Lookin so CRAZY in love

"I'm like Mother Mary... a small part of a bigger plan."

This week's episode of The Bachelor begins where we left off last week – Chris is basking in the glory of being adored by intoxicated barbies, feeling only just a little bad for sending home perfectly normal girls in exchange for chicks who have been plucked from the asylum.

Kimberly, who was just sent home, comes back into the mansion to steal Chris away "to chat" and the girls, who just moments ago were panicked they would be alongside her in limos to the airport, have become entitled brats.

The beautiful but slightly desperate Kimberly pleas for Chris to give her a second chance (in complete daylight) while the rest of the exhausted  and hostile hoohahs sit on the floor of the crazy den.... I mean mansion... bitching and moaning. ABC - was furniture not in your budget?

Kimberly explains to Chris that last night an angel appeared to her and told her of her divine purpose on a reality show called The Bachelor. Chris hears nothing as he ruminates over what is happening. Um - ABC - I thought you said once I reject the girls, they leave my sight forever? THIS is not THAT. Chris Harrison - what am I ever to do with this beautiful lady I've known for 15 seconds who is crying at me? Chris H., in a true yoda fashion, shares his wisdom by saying "This is your life." Wow. It doesn't get much more profound than that.

The ladies finally find some furniture when Chris drags Kimberly back in to stay, commending her "bravery." What is brave is that this chick is now willing to live with a group of women who want to kill her in her sleep.

And this is all before the opening credits.... 

The next morning (more like five hours later, the same day) Chris H. surveys the women on their first evening at the house. The ladies admit that last night was, like, a TOTAL BLURRR..... yeah. Gals - this is not rocket science - an IV of champagne will have that effect.

Next up is the BIG SHOCKER (which I actually thought was normal for every season, but I guess not) – in a big twist contrived to encourage the women's bad behavior, Chris will live 15 feet away from the ladies' mansion. In case you're still putting this all together, that means that in addition to turning dating into a competitive sport, The Bachelor is also a big supporter of unwanted pregnancy. The way this is starting off, Chris rewards women like Kimberly who "show bravery" and fight for him – so I think it is safe to say we can expect spider-man style wall-scaling nightly from the girls.

"Group dates are just super hard...no wait, that's my crotch"

Group date #1: A pool party - duh. 
After splashing around in the pool as a group, Kimberly and Chris have some half-naked one-on-one time. Discussions of love growing like the crotch of his pants.... or something like that...occurs.

Megan and Jillian's blurred butt crack (maybe she laughed and a little poop came out?) sneak into Chris's room. Whilst inside, Megan makes a committed effort to lose brain cells by smashing her helmeted-head up against every surface in the room. Dear Megan - I am not sure how many brain cells you have to start with, so it would be wise to play it safe.

"Iowa must be like, totally awesome."

Later, the classyness continues as Chris challenges the ladies to a bikini-clad tractor race. I swear, when the girl he picks settles in Iowa she is going to be pissed activities like this are not the norm. But, like, wait - aren't tractors built to be fun? And why is no one topless?! Jasmine wins... I mean Ashley I. - and she gets some one-on-one time we don't even see.... so likely the conversation was way too normal for TV with zero groping.

Back at the house we learn more about the ladies. Dear Chris - Juelia's husband killed himself. Take notes (okay, okay that was harsh - I take it back). But as you can tell, the producers have picked a bushel of women with tragic baggage they've not yet moved on from. A total recipe for true love. The women rally around Juelia as she balls – and yet something tells me they will be hating on her when she jumps Chris's gate (bones) for some quality time down the road.

Chris feels super awkward by the group date situation so he sends everyone away except for Mackenzie... The way I see it, he secretly hopes that she has special brownies and/or is wondering what hair product she uses to encourage fly-aways.

Tara is already balling because she is walking away empty handed. Quite honestly, I am shocked she isn't walking away with a flask in her hand. The women don't seem to understand that they are now, no longer eligible for the rose.... what idiots. 

"I hide aliens in my hair. NBD."

Mackenzie unleashes her crazy in full force by telling Chris he has a big honking nose, wants the back-story of his once-pierced ear, and... DEEPEST BREATH EVER...she has a kid. And now we are talking about aliens.... I mean... you're a farmer so like... crop circles? right?!  Come on Chris - get with it! How to lose a guy in ten minutes: reenact this date. And yet she gets the rose..... but I kind of get it. Chris couldn't not rose her because the women back at the mansion would think he was a baby-hater, so he was a bit cornered.

Megan from Nashville gets the first one-on-one – except she has no idea until the girls explain it to her..... um, have you ever seen this show?! Following, she wants us all to feel her shaking insides. Um... no thank you?!

We are not even an hour in.... I have never had so much to say. 

Megan and Chris head off in the limo. She reads words like "airport" and has to remind herself to breathe. Her edit is making her look like a total airhead. Let's pray it's an edit since she is from Nashville and I really want to like her.

"Are you sure we shouldn't be quietly cuddling in a moving vehicle?"

A private jet takes them to Las Vegas, where they then get in a helicopter to tour the Grand Canyon. In true ABC fashion it is a date with minimal talking, lots of touching and tons of air transportation. Note to all women on this show: come with a sob story and you're guaranteed at least through the first few dates. I really feel for her in the wake of her dad's passing, and I know Chris does too, but now he has been cornered for the second time with a dropped bomb of emotion – so naturally - she gets a rose. I think he would have given it to her regardless...but the poor guy. Kissy kissy, lovey, lovey lovey.... moving on.

Group Date #2: Till death do us part...
All of the women are dropped in the middle of nowhere at night. They enter an arsenal to kill some zombies with paint ball guns in teams of three. Ashley S. (no-blink) is ready to take over the world.... a world she doesn't want to gain, but she doesn't want to lose either...

The gang heads out to paint ball some zombies. The way I see it Chris could be with a group of gay men, and he would be just as close to finding love.... how is this a means of getting to know one another? And are we sure Ashley S. isn't a zombie herself? After popping zombies, they pop some champagne (aka: what Jordan has been doing every hour since landing in LA.... this girl needs some professional help). Oh wait... Jillian pooped herself again?! What is up with all the black bars on her bottom region?

"Who knew popping ecstasy would bring out my inner terrorist?"

And in the end we all find out just how bat shit cray Ashley S. is... specifically when she takes Chris on a walk to remember... and not the Mandy Moore kind...everyone agrees she is certifiable.

Britt and Chris have some normal one-on-one time in which she expresses her insecurities and they talk to death "the process" and "the journey." FINALLY we are back on track to some Bachelor normalcy. Then they make-out after Chris gives her a love poem... we thought he was a prodigy BEFORE rhyming "kiss" with "Chris" but this really puts it over the top.

But then out of nowhere, Kaitlyn gets the rose.... um what?! Did they even say hello to each other? Yeah girl, you're on Chris's ass backward radar. Be proud.

30 minutes left.

At the cocktail party Chris has three wishes to make on the virgin, princess Jasmine's belly button ring.... He wishes for a kiss. And instead his mouth gets raped. I don't know what kind of belly button ring this is, but the answered prayers are aggressive. And I feel like I might vomit a little.

Britt sees and has a full-on meltdown, unsure of how to navigate the situation. Chris navigates it with his lips, no problem.

Jordan is wasted and makes a fool of herself...I'm tempted to fast-forward, but like a train wreck, I can't look away.

"I just, like, don't understand WHAT he didn't see in me?!"

Time for the rose ceremony: Tara does not appear to be drunk which is a change...
Britt: I really like her despite the meltdown.
Ashley I (Princess Jasmine): Not a fan of the virgin ho-bag
Chelsea: She seems normal.... so far
Samantha: Who are you?
Juelia: Not to be confused with Jillian who face-plants when she thinks her name is called instead.
Amber: Token.... I didn't say it.
Traci: Who are you?
Jillian: For reals this time.
Jade: Who are you?
Vicki: Who are you?
Becca / Carrie Underwood: Jesus took the wheel
Carly: Who are you?
Britney: I haven't heard you talk enough tonight to know if that nasal voice is a full-on condition
Ashley S: It's like rewarding a puppy for crapping on the carpet over and over again

As for the ladies going home?
Tara will be haunted for the rest of her life. The flight attendant was ushered to the emergency exit (see, I can make puns too....). Jordan is hopefully on her way to AA. Kimberly was dumped... twice. Ouch. Divine prophecy my ass.

And.....it's finally over. 
Oh but wait - scenes for next week.... Chris is abducted by Jimmy Kimmel.
Okay, now it's over.