Juan Pablo and the Technicolor Dream Pants

Walking out to  Like a Virgin - just to reiterate the point

Tonight was a sigh of relief as I was able to dedicate the entire evening to a full-on Bachelor marathon. Before we dive into the final Monday of Juan-uary, let's first touch upon the winning moments of Sean and Catherine's wedding in a little list I'd like to call
Things I will NOT do at my wedding... under any circumstances... ever. 

1. Conjure up a theme for my wedding that no one, including my fiance, understands. Did anyone figure out what "grown sexy" really means? Is there such a thing as "child-like sexy?" - to me, that just sounds like something you go to rehab for. Honestly, I am surprised she didn't walk down the aisle to Lady GaGa's "Do what you want, what you want to my body."

2. Walk down the aisle to an instrumental version of Michael Jackson's Human Nature - really?! Yes - mom and dad, please grab my arm and walk me toward my future as we all hum "Why, why does he do me that way?" Sean was crying his eyes out, and so was I...

3. Mention love sprinkles in my vows- then again this is the girl who practically had an orgasm when she accepted Sean's proposal... so nothing surprises me anymore.

4.  Stand five feet away from my fiance as we exchange our vows - was it just me, or was she holding him like she was shy at a middle school dance?

5. Have a honeymoon suite surveillance camera. So many worlds of creepy. I'm sorry, but were we, as adult viewers, supposed to be entertained by shots of an empty bed? And was the Chris Harrison threesome innuendos supposed to be funny... ? THEY WAITED TO HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE - get OVER it, STOP asking about it, and let's get back to more scenes of Trista & Ryan and Ashley & JP since that is the REAL reason I am even watching this show.

Well that was educational.

The inside of Juan's suitcase

Let's move onto tonight's episode of The Bachelor during which our leading man, Juan Pablo is forced to say goodbye to sweet little Dora and say hello to South Korea, 13 lovely ladies and seven pairs of pants, one in every color of the rainbow.

After screaming like preteens at a One Direction concert, the ladies pack up their bags and head on their way to Seoul to meet up with their Venezuelan dream boat. The girls are so elated to be going to South Korea - the home of gangnam style. I can hear Clare thinking - oh thank goodness, I thought for a minute we were going to see weapons of mass destruction! They all cannot wait to venture to a whole new world with a whole new culture - correction Jasmine. It is not a whole new world. It is actually the same world, ya know - since we only live on one.

Throughout the journey (shamelessly sponsored by that airline I can't remember) the girls divulge some deep desires we are surprised to hear, such as: "I hope I'm the girl that gets the one-on-one date" or  "this is such a dream come true, My (enter dying / dead relative / sob story lead role) would be so happy to see me traveling the world" AND OF COURSE "culture is really super duper and I'm all about opening myself up and being more open to culture in new cultural cultures."

Meanwhile Juan Pablo is playing carnival games downtown anticpating his group date with the ladies in the markets of Seoul looking like a technicolor-dream-pant-Guido.

Kat is about to knock Cassandra out with her ass pops

The first group date starts off to Cassandra's disappointment - no - the clue "pop" does not mean you will be making popcorn in South Korea on your group date... what?!  Instead, Juan Pablo, like a giddy elf, escorts the six lovely wide-eyed angels around the city. Everyone is peeing rainbows and sunshine - wow guys! CULTURE IS EVERYWHERE! Except for Nikki - who would rather crap her pants and sit in it than find a nugget of happiness in this day. She admits she does not thrive in a group setting - that obviously doesn't bode well on this show, but to be completely honest, it doesn't bode well in all those other worlds we inhabit either.

After frolicking through the streets, the ladies and JP end up at a dance studio where they are challenged to learn choreography and perform live for a crowded mall of screaming fans with the popular K-Pop group 2NE1 (and yes, I googled the crap out of that, thank you). Juan Pablo is rocking capri pants, Chelsie is living out her childhood dream of being a back-up dancer (wow kid, dream big), Nikki hopes the crowd is made up of blind kids, and meanwhile Kat is guzzling champagne (we hope) and pop-lock-high-kicking to channel the Korean version of Britney Spears meets circus freak. Isn't Cassandra (who rocks the dance in a sweet and unassuming way) the real dancer? Gosh some of these girls have ZERO humility. 

I don't usually like to feel stuff

At this point I want Elise, Kat and Kelly to go home, and while I find Nikki and her glowing cheek zit to be entertaining, I am not sure how I feel about all the immature pouting - but her impression of Kat's dancing pretty much made my night. The cocktail part of the evening had the typical drama and bus throwing that we normally see. And let's not discount the confessional time in which Kat opens up about how she might be a phenomenal dancer but she can be a real person and open up - like about how she decided to have a successful career after her parents ruined her life at 6-years-old and how she isn't a "feelings person" because it is really scary to feel. Hmmm...interesting approach.

I wipe a mean baby bum

Nikki, despite the pouting gets the rose, likely having won Juan over with all that talk of changing baby diapers. Noted. 

Next we move onto the one-on-one date with Sharleen - who so far has been a loose cannon - I still cannot figure her out. Despite her air of humility and class, when she goes in to kiss Juan she makes my hoohah crawl into itself with cringing fear. However, they have a lot of chemistry and their date (despite the weird

stocking / shorts combo with clunky heels) ends up on a very elegant note with some opera singing in a courtyard, normal kissing (despite the weird biting part), real conversation, honesty and some of the most genuine

In the words of Elise - YUCK

chemistry I have seen so far this season. She is definitely a front-runner despite the fact she doesn't like kids (um.... what?!). Plus, she discovered her talent harmonizing to Disney songs - so I've gotta give this chick a shot (so long as she keeps the wet dog kisses out of my face and doesn't treat Dora like crap).

The final group date Juan takes the remaining ladies to further explore the food and culture of Seoul. The main takeaway is that Juan loves to dance and he wants to incorporate it in everything he does. So naturally the ladies all go to a karaoke bar to dance their faces off. Then they have the dead skin eaten off their feet by small fish and of course fuel up with octopus to ensure they have enough strength to paddle boat in large swans in a nearby lake. 

Clare - channel someone more awesome.

Let's just sum this up right here - CLARE HAS GOT TO GO. Veneers is pissing me off more and more by the episode. She is like Hannah Montana meets LeAnn Rimes (mostly because of the teeth and the grating personality). This chick is not smart, or cool. She says "like" every two words, she is highly territorial and is the complete opposite of Sharleen in every way... and yet Juan seems to be falling for her?! 

Then we proceed to the cocktail party portion of the evening and this is where shit really gets stupid. Dear Juan - you can't kiss seven girls and then suddenly decide for the sake of preserving your fatherly image for little Dora that it is no longer acceptable to kiss any more girls... just for tonight?! What a strange way to use your daughter to get out of kissing chicks you're not that into. Also - why is your four-year-old watching this show anyways? And out of ALL the girls you break the rule for HANNAH FREAKIN MONTANA who practically nibbled at your face?! I am so over it. I felt so bad for Lauren, and quite honestly would have had the exact same reaction to his bizarre excuse for not giving her a real shot.

The four-year-old cock block

Juan - don't use your daughter as your excuse to not be honest. It is the opposite of being a good role model. I really like you - don't mess it up by throwing Dora under the bus. It's pissing me off. 

We finally make it to the rose ceremony and more of the same goes down - Clare makes me want to punch her in the face, Nikki is constipated with negativity, Kelly the "dog lover" is acting like a female dog insinuating drama - all very predictable conversations and actions. 

And then the "MIND BLOWN" portion of the evening begins as Juan passes out the roses. Um... am I being punked? How are Danielle, Kat and Kelly still in this thing and NOT SWEET AND BEAUTIFUL LAUREN? I'm just very, very confused. And for the LOVE OF GOD can someone please ask the smart question "what in the HELL kind of career is a dog lover?!"

I was happy to see Elise go, but Lauren was a definite shame. The exit intereviews were sad. It is so funny - they all seem so strong when they start talking and then the water works erupt. You'd think the producers were calling them bad names to illicit tears in between takes. Poor Lauren. What an idiot Juan was tonight.

Let's see if he wises up next week when he takes the remaining 11 girls to Vietnam... everyone seems thrilled.. I don't know, I just feel like he keeps taking them to war zones... NEXT week we're going to Gettysburg!!!!

Luckily for Juan, that final clip of him singing the Korean pop song made me fall in love with him again. But seriously, he better stop f-ing around.

It was a tough tough call... but the Grammy's had to win.

You win.

DEBACLE: Tonight, the 56th Annual Grammy Awards competed with The Bachelor Sean and Catherine's Wedding. Two live events, both pulling at my heart strings and yearning for my undivided attention. To schedule these two epic pop culture milestones at the same time is just simply the biggest first world problem I have encountered since my DVR forgot to record Celine Dion's Christmas Special. Who approved this crap?

Ain't nobody got time to double dip.

After facing the inevitable I figured my (15) readers would probably prefer to hear about the Bachelor wedding. We have done the award show thing oh so many times... Jared Leto and his ombre hairdo (who knew that style was unisex?) was already commented on in my Golden Globes post. Maybe it was time to switch it up? I have never reviewed a Bachelor Wedding and I even considered a drinking game that included taking a shot every time Catherine and Sean mention the much-anticipated "wedding night." (I am still trying to understand how they could possibly think we believe they haven't done it yet. I buy THAT as much as I buy Taylor Swift's enthusiasm for a rap performance).

Spock and Jesus (if Jerusalem had hair-dye).

But then I conducted a mass survey (in my head) and determined that of the two events, most of you would be watching the Grammy's live and recording the wedding (or just not watching it at all, to which I say - LAME). So I figured I would store up my Bachelor love for Juan's episode tomorrow night and forgo the drinking game to avoid alcohol poisoning.

With that lovely preamble out of the way, here are my thoughts on the 56th Annual Grammy Awards hosted by the ever-so-classy LL Cool Whip.. I mean J... I mean... since when is he still famous?!

THE RED CARPET -

• The ladies are towering tonight! I think all of the men grouped together in front of the "honey we shrunk the kids" machine... Seacrest - you are not alone. Kevin Hart is the smallest (drunkest) man I've ever seen. 
• Julianna Rancic looks amazeballs and left the alien-look to Lorde. 
• Katy Perry is wearing a gigantic doughnut on her head and sheet music on her skirt. And yet, of the two outfits she wore this evening, that was the winner.
• I don't know when we were transported to another planet.....Madonna is wearing a grill, Kacey Musgraves is actually smiling, Taylor Swift is too pretty to even annoy me, Gavin Degraw was invited?!
• If Ronald McDonald had a mother, she would look like Cyndi Lauper.
• Where is Lady GaGa to make everyone else look tame?

THE SHOW BEGINS - 

Beyonce needs a blow-dryer.

• Beyonce lost her weave, woke up in the kitchen doing something bleeped out...she's straddling shit. She's swerving and surfing on his "good good." Wow. Lot's going on here. Listen - when you're Beyonce and Jay Z this behavior is allowed and acceptable. Taylor Swift (who looks like she ate a pot brownie before the show) certainly agrees in the over-played "Taylor reaction" crowd shot.

Someone grab a bible, stat.

• I am terrified of Lorde. I feel like I'm watching Diane Keaton re-enact the exorcist.
• This song by Hunter Hayes is beautifully written but his delivery sadly sounds like someone is suffocating Rascal Flatts.
• Katy Perry - let's not be a Geisha tonight... oh... but let's not be a wannabe Disney witch either?! If I was playing with magic I would change most of what is happening here.
• Hmm.. Chicago and Robin Thicke - where are your foam fingers?

• 

  Lost your cool in the back of a barbershop.

   
• Keith Urban decided to channel Bieber's haircut to make the lyrics of his song "Cop Car" more believable. Except he fell short and ended up with a cockatoo. And that high dude just messed up his lyrics. Blasphemy all around.

Two month break-ups are really rough.

• In the words of my sweet friend Sara G. "John Legend just got me pregnant."
• Taylor Swift - you look stunning - truly. You are on pitch - so far. But there is that hair flip we know all too well... you are going to seriously break your neck. And the mean-muggin glare at the end - a little dramatic.
• Pink just made Taylor Swift look like a complete asshole. Freakin. Incredible. She flew in the air like a cirque du soleil star and still sang every note immaculately. I mean. Holy shit. 

TSwift's hair flips can suck it.

• Ringo Star.... You have a 17 piece band for a song that sounds like it should be on Sesame Street. You better pray Paul McCartney comes out to save us all. HE DOESN'T. What?!
• Jamie Fox - stick with Ray Charles. Your British is embarrassing and you're dragging out this presentation painfully by hitting on Beyonce. Awkward doesn't cover it. 
• WHERE IS JUSTIN FREAKIN TIMBERLAKE?! To which MaryAnn responds "he is too busy surprising MasterCard holders" (unacceptable).
• A lot of people dressed in white just rapped their faces off to a cacophony of sound which gave Taylor Swift the opportunity to show people how thug she really is from the audience. Meanwhile, I prayed it would all just stop. 
• Paul comes to save Ringo - the Beatles reunite in a legendary performance with that tiny munchkin Yono Oko... (I mean Yoko Ono?... too immersed to google) prancing along in the crowd. But the hair-whipping video montage in the background was strange - Taylor, do you really have to be apart of everything?
• Bruno Mars - you are super talented and that was a lovely speech, so I forgive you for winning over JT. Especially since he isn't there. But ordinarily I would be pissed.
  

  

  How I felt when the show went beyond 10pm.

• Classic country performance with Willie Nelson, Blake Shelton, Kris Kristofferson and Merle Haggard - I can't hate on the vocals since they are legends... so that is all I will say
• Kacey Musgraves wins for best country album. I'm kind of in shock... it is a clever album but vocally... it's just not a winner for me over the others in the category. But hey - pretty bad ass for her!
• Stevie Wonder made that performance epic. 
• Sara Bareilles showed Taylor Swift how to perform on a piano - add in Carol King and what you get is an exquisite performance.
• Lorde is back to win song of the year for Royals. MaryAnn thinks she might be an alien. I agree.
• The Metallica tribute is just... the epitome of when DVR comes in handy. I'd love to see Taylor Swift try to jam to THIS headache.
• If I was concerned about a random man on a playground, he would look like Stephen Tyler but damn can he still sing / scream on pitch
• The robots Daft Punk won record of the year (how is this different than album?). What am I missing with the robot thing? I am so disinterested I think I'm going to take a bathroom break. 
•  It is 10pm... Why is this show still on?
• Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis's performance became a flash mob wedding? So very interesting. Madonna is dressed like a virgin cowgirl straight out of the nursing home... people are exchanging rings, kissing and crying... so much is happening. Where is Taylor Swift to tell me how I should feel?
• Lovely tribute to those who have passed.... ooooup and here is Yoko Ono again - confirmed. Yoko. 
• Album of the Year - PRAYING FOR SARA TO WIN..... come on.... ARE YOU SERIOUS?! THE ROBOTS AGAIN? What the hell.... I'm going to bed. We KNOW how Taylor feels about THIS.....

And that concludes another award show evening with yours truly. If you were hoping I commented on the wedding instead... at certain moments in this show, so did I. But check out tomorrow's Bachelor post for some nuggets on the wedding and of course for a review of the latest episode of Juan's adventure to find love!

[PS - right about now since that wedding was live, Catherine and Sean are doing it "for the first time." You're welcome for that insight].

[PSS (or is it PPS?...whatever) - Thank you to all my friends who texted throughout the show and contributed to the humor and commentary of the evening. You all keep me witty and I appreciate it :)]

Everyone wants a Juan-on-Juan... Hookay?

They Juan the Juan-on-Juans with the Juanderful Juan (too much?)

Last night's episode of The Bachelor combined extreme sports with extreme drama, as the ladies ached for Juan-on-Juans almost as much as I ached for Lucy to keep her clothes on and Elise to stop talking... just...forever. So let's dive in together, shall we.... week tres of Juan's adventure to find love!

From a scale of 1 - 10, Nikki is a level 15 for wanting to get out of the house this week. Forget that, I am a level 15 for never wanting to see Chris Harrison wear that two-toned blue shirt ever again. Despite the fashion fatality, the first one-on-one date card arrives for the lovely 21-year-old mama, Cassandra. Upon hearing her date card clue, the ladies decide "love is a wild ride" MUST mean Juan and Cassandra are going on a SAFARI... yeah. A safari in LA... makes total sense.

Meanwhile, right on theme, Juan Pablo is feeding his daughter in the park like a zoo animal - Dear JP - no quiero pollo means no quiero pollo. Leave Dora alone.

The first date begins as the shy and slightly insecure Cassandra admits it has been a very long time since she has been on a date - forever even, since she was, like, 18-years-old! Get out! This 21-year-old mom just hasn't LIVED. But today is her day to get in the passenger seat of the magic school bus with a Venezuelan stud as her Miss Frizzle. The pair take off into the LA sunrise on the open road, as Cassandra reminds herself its okay to actually breathe in and out, and yes - even smile and speak full sentences. All nervousness seems to float away as the car emerges into the water and turns into a speedboat - a refreshing departure from the "orgasmic" helicopter rides they pitch as surprising and different every season. Still not condusive for conversation, but eh... it is still too soon to worry about all that.

Back at the mansion, Renee and Elise have a heart-to-heart about Elise's mom who's dying wish is for her daughter to go on national television, live in a house of drama and fight tooth and nail with 26 other women for the attention of a Venezuelan baby daddy. I may seem heartless but I'm over the sob stories. Listen girlfriend, Clare's dead daddy of the year left her future husband a freakin DVD... so I think you've been trumped. Let's move on.

Juan and Cassandra end the night at his place where he cooks, they dance, and we realize that for a tall, skinny, white girl, Cassandra has quite the tuckus. On top of the grooving, this date is super special for Cassandra since she hasn't had a man cook for her in like... forever. She warms up a bit, they fawn over pictures of their babies, she admits she will be her son's worst nightmare and despite the shyness and slightly disjointed conversation, Juan seems to be picking up what she is putting down. Ayyyy Cassandra - kissy, kissy, rose, rose - you know the drill. The date comes to an end and we all come to the conclusion that her hoohah hasn't been this awake and alive since giving birth to her now-toddler. Good times.

Not only is he bilingual but he has the skills of a trained puppy

On the group date we see Juan Pablo in his ELEMENT. Yes, he sure is on a soccer field, but I was referring to his natural habitat of being surrounded by multiple women in booty shorts and neon tank-tops. Not only do the ladies look coordinated, but again we see their intelligence shine as they make the deduction upon seeing the stadium that they MUST be there to play soccer. Yep. That's typically what is done at a soccer stadium... but perhaps you were hoping for a safari too?

The ladies split up red v. blue team and Juan plays ref as the girls fight nasty to impress and win. Sharleen gets hit in the face a bunch of times, but luckily laughs it off, unlike ladies on past seasons who would have called in an ambulance and claimed a combo of amnesia and a broken face. I'm proud of Sharleen for being a normal human (that is, until she ruins everything by making us suffer through the most awkward kiss of all time...twice... but we'll get there).

Gladly, the losing team doesn't have to go home which keeps the claws and tears from coming out. The crew heads back to the locker room to doll-up and the cocktail portion of the evening begins. All of the gals are hoping for more one-on-one time, and upon getting it, think that there is simply no way Juan is having the same kind of connection with any of the other nine ladies there. Aka - they are drinking the cool-aid and in for a rude awakening.

Little did Nikki and Andi realize, Juan Pablo was too busy having his face licked off by Sharleen to even remember what they all had talked about in the hot dog stand just minutes before. Who knew all that elegance and class could be so quickly ruined by a traumatic kiss. It was like two dogs licking chow off each others face. I used to think I liked Sharleen and now I just think she is covering her bat shit crazy with a cloak of insecurity and saliva. Not a fan.

The final date card arrives and is for Chelsie, the science educator (why don't we just have normal profession titles like "teacher")? Little did we know this was going to bring out the nasty in the other front-runner for a one-on-one, Elise, who is now dateless and hostile. Suddenly sweet and sentimental dead mommy girl becomes a raging loon, telling anyone who will listen how young and immature Chelsie is, and how Juan is crazy for not seeing that she has nothing to offer as a potential mother. Dear Elise - do you think you're making dead mommy proud by acting like a preteen on the brink of puberty? Also - telling a 21-year-old you think the 24-year-old is too young and immature just makes you look dumb. Lastly - Shut. Up. The only baby here is YOU.

Back on the soccer field, the rose goes to Nikki, who is cute and so far, not crazy - Sharleen flips a shit and starts to question if learning her kissing techniques from a Labrador was a strategic choice. Everyone is starting to question EVERYTHING.

The next day Juan Pablo picks up Chelsie for their date and decides to break the ice in the car by playing a song no American has heard of leaving Chelsie helpless to do anything but channel the chicks in the macarena music video, resulting in a passenger-seat booty shake no eyes should ever have to witness.

I'm sure Billy LOVED third-wheeling it.

After busting out a mean air-maraca, Chelsie is faced with yet another challenge - an extreme test of trust that all couples must endure to truly determine if there is a strong foundation from which to build a relationship - tandem ankle bungee jumping. The poor girl wants to throw-up her Venezuelan cheese sticks when overlooking the drop, and I don't blame her. Juan says he is interested to see how she responds to this big challenge - well the answer is hysterical crying. After tons of back-and-forth putting the producers in a mad panic that they aren't going to get their epic trademark "trust fall" footage, Chelsie finally finds her balls and takes the leap "of faith and trust, symbolic of the leap we must all take in relationships" - ugh, the whole metaphor makes me want to toss my cookies too. Oh! And let's not forget the Spiderman upside-down kiss - this show is just creating movie magic moments around every corner.

And then suddenly the unimaginable happens. These two sit down and ACTUALLY HAVE A CONVERSATION. Hold. The. Phone. They talk about career and fears, and how amazing it was to jump off a bridge together - total normal first date stuff. And just when you thought the awkward dancing portion of the day was long gone, Chelsie celebrates her rose by busting a move to Billy Currington's "Hey Girl." Country artists freakin love this show. These two are cute enough, their chemistry seems pretty real... and they clearly trust each other... what more could you need?

Finally the rose ceremony day is upon us, but instead of letting the girls bitch and cry at each other all day while setting their hair and adjusting their spanx for hours, Juan Pablo unexpectedly shows up at the mansion to make breakfast, initiate a pool party, and show us all that Kelly the bratz doll is even more uncool than we thought. Yeah, childishly ignoring Juan's presence and covering your made-up morning face as if you have a weird skin disease is not the way to make a good impression. Period. 

Extreme sports continued pool-side

Naturally, all the sun, booze and boobs flying around sets off panic for some of the girls who probably are just feeling gassy from the Spanish feast they just wolfed down before getting in bikinis. They seem to think it is because they didn't expect to be on a reality TV show competing for the attention of one man. AKA - they blacked out all of those seasons they watched the show, then applied to be on it and signed a contract to do just that.

I have officially decided that Sharleen is a closeted freak - it is very hard for me to believe this international Opera singer who has no problem kissing like a thirsty poodle on national TV would suddenly flip to a deeply insecure and camera shy cry baby... I am starting to wonder if the victim bull crap is all an act to suck him in. Not a fan.

Then of course, Clare, aka veneers, has a mental breakdown. She forgets that having a real profession has already put her leaps and bounds ahead of "dog lover" and "free spirit" both of whom are still frolicking pool-side having a dandy time with Juan Pablo while she cries her eyes out in the bathroom. Have you ladies ever watched this show before? I swear the producers men-in-black swipe their minds before the first day of taping. You signed up for this, wipe your tears and get over it.

Finally the rose ceremony is upon us. Ladies - take notes:
Things not to do at a rose ceremony -
1. Respond like a cheeseball in another language
2. Speak or pray out loud
3. Bother to show up if we haven't seen you speak on this show since you got out of the limo

Sorry but I forgot Christy even existed, so her demise wasn't shocking. As for Lucy's exit - I am shocked it happened before Danielle (another black sheep in my opinion...and not just because she is black... but come on.. she has gotten but two minutes of air-time the past three weeks). Lucy had a sweet goodbye. Christy got more air-time in her exit than she did the whole show. And just like that, the mansion doors closed on yet another extreme week in Bachelor world.

Can't wait to see where Juan's adventures take us next... maybe next week we will finally get to go on that safari in Pasadena... with Juan Pablo, anything is possible.

Oh hey!

He was super foxy. Big fan.

You guys - don't be pissed at me for being all, "I'm back!" and then not showing up every day as you had dreamed and prayed I would.... This is what is going on. Work has been super busy (not as if I write during work or anything.... cough cough) which is a great thing, but has drained quite a bit of my time and creative brain power.

On top of that, I have a pen pal in Germany who I have been face-timing with, writing to and assembling intricate care packages for, which as I am sure you can imagine has also taken some time. Sorry guys, my pen pals come first - if you leave to a foreign country, let me know and you can be on the priority contact list too.

I have also recently become certifiably obsessed with the show Downton Abbey. Yes friends and coworkers, this is the true reason I have been involuntarily saying the word "quite" in every sentence - no, I am not just super posh and eloquent - I happen to be so obsessed with a TV show that I am dreaming in early 20th century lingo. If I call you "M'Lady" just go with it.

And finally, let's not discount the force that is single-handedly responsible for sucking the last drops of energy I might have left in a day -  good old January. But I do think about each and every one of you every single moment of every day. And I hope to get some writing in this upcoming long weekend, which reminds me - Dear Martin Luther King Jr. - you having a dream is the only awesome thing about January (except for the premier of The Bachelor, but we'll forget about that to make this shout out more special), and for that (and naturally many other historic and revolutionary things) - I thank you.

As Darth Vader would say - (heavy breathing, heavy breathing) I'll be (quite) back. 

I hope the man I marry tastes like snow....?

The snow is pretty but what's your name again?

Tonight I was transported to a delightful snow globe, lifted in a private jet to a techni-color rave race and finished my evening on the floor of a bathroom stall with a raving loonitic. Was I tripping on acid, you ask? Oh no, just enjoying another night in Bachelor world.

Yes, Juan Pablo's adventure to find a mammacita for sweet Dora continues back in LA at the mansion. While Juan Pablo is off studying his American thesaurus to find new and diverse words to describe the ladies, the hoohahs are lounging poolside at the crazy den, getting naked, guzzling wine and flushing their midol down the toliet along with their sanity and class. OKAY fine, not all of them are nuts, but wow producers - you really hit the certifiable jackpot this go around. Well done.

Clare's date is up first and she is annoyingly tickled just at the chance to be in the company of a man. Before JP, she was not a person who had fun, went to bars or went on dates (wow, you sound like a real blast) DEAR CLARE - you do realize you have a significantly higher chance meeting a guy at a bar than you do at winning this show if you keep channeling Taylor Swift and crushing on your own father.

After being creepily blindfolded, Clare and JP arrive in a winter wonderland where they sled, ice skate, and prance around in the snow in LA - yes, by some rare stroke of God, ABC has discovered the power (endorsements) to out-wit even mother nature.

But if you ask me, their connection was as fake as the snow. This was less of a one-on-one date and more of a montage of one-on-one interviews with the producers. Might be the editing, but did they even speak to each other for the first half of the date? I guess it doesn't matter since meeting a guy like JP has flooded Clare with hope and sparkly feelings (called frost bite). Yes girl, we know it must feel so good to feel and be open to opening that open door that makes you feel like your feeling open again. Sounds really exciting (she clearly didn't read JP's thesaurus).

You're a great kisser but my dad was probably better at it.

Now that they have frolicked in a snow globe and not remotely discussed real life, it only makes sense that they would hop in the hot tub and discuss the other man in Clare's life....her father... ?! I'm sorry but deceased parents are not hot tub chatter. Save that shit for date three. But don't worry friends, she is not too distraught to "asssept" this rose, when suddenly the distant sound of music chimes through the crisp air. Clare starts thinking as she registers the sound Wait... wait just a minute... you mean to tell me that piano music isn't coming from your penis? When suddenly Haggard from Harry Potter appears to play us a song. They may be half naked, but they are whole hammered as they dance in the snow to some dude who is pissed he has to witness their grope-fest.

Back at the mansion, the ladies are killing time dancing around naked (and guys think this show is stupid?) and we discover that Kat (not to be confused with Kylie) has been given the second one-on-one date. When Juan comes to pick her up, she smittenly declares that there is no place she would rather be - hmm...you mean to tell me watching Lucy water the plants with her boobs hanging out isn't more fun? Somehow I find that hard to believe.

That looks... cozy.

Kat and JP excitedly get on a private jet, dress up in techni-color neon running clothes (instead of joining the mile-high club, since that wouldn't be appropriate until at least date three - he is a FATHER after all) and land in Utah where they have the distinct honor of leading the state's first Electric Run. Nothing like getting to know someone while running a marathon in the dark with over a thousand people swarming around you.

Despite the fact they have teleported to a sweaty frat party with strobe lights, Kat feels tons of "electricity" and potential between her and JP (so clever, that one). But if you ask me, Juan is more bedazzled by his own outfit than he is by Kat. Minimal talking, minimal connection - but of course she "assepts" the rose. To be fair, I guess it's too early for conversation, you guys. They have a whole 12 weeks to figure out if they want to spend the rest of their lives together, so why rush it? Rave on!

The next day, the disney princess and the opera singer are left at home with no date while Juaney boy escorts 13 lucky ladies to a charity-inspired photo shoot with a bunch of pups. They all swoon when he arrives and they see his elbow emerge from the vehicle - he is just so PERFECT! From his ear lobes to the long hair on his big toe - these ladies just can't get enough...

Let's cut to the group date chase - they all dress up, partner with their pooches, some ladies don't like their outfits, or don't want to pose nude, panic ensues, pictures are taken, Kelly ends up looking like a bird pooped on her chocolate-dipped alien face, and all is well in the world when the first grade teacher switches set-ups with the hippie to keep from posing naked and never getting hired again. Oh and let's not forget that the photographer's beard looked like a smurfs hoohah. And during this whole experience - Juan Pablo seems a little bored and barely interacts with the ladies who are too busy transforming into dog aliens.

But wait, there's more! That night, Cassandra admits she has a kid, and we all register that she is 21-years-old for the first time. Um. WHAT?!....21?!?! Man. I barely knew how to microwave a lean cuisine at 21. And then the real drama unfolds.

Highlights from the alcohol-induced-but-not-solely-responsible-bat-shit-crazy demise of Victoria:

• She wants to straddle the world

  

  This is what it looks like to lose your mind on national TV.

• She is really heroic and knows how to do the "hymen" manuever
• She is not a dog, she is just a bitch
• She wants to go home.
• She wants to go home. 
• PANIC. 
• She wants to go home. 
• HOME. HOME. HOME. 
• PANIC.
• The crazy train has left the station. And so has Victoria. THANK GOD.

Hey guys, she might have been a bat shit crazy train wreck, but at least she didn't projectile vomit. Small victories.

The many faces of Kelly

After Juan Pablo handled that "sitchyation," Kelly, the alien dog gets the rose. She is okay and she did earn it sporting that awful get-up all day.

In the event we were wondering what happened to Victoria, she ended up providing a very "heart-felt" apology to JP explaining that maybe she drank too much and she probably could have been a little more adult about it all. Wow. Just. Wow. He gave her the axe on the spot - amen. None of that Sean and Tierra crap that drove us nuts all season. Seems like JP has a decent head on his shoulders, which I appreciate. Lucy the hippie better be next. Get that girl some humility and a robe!

During the cocktail party Amy spent all of her quality time with Juan Pablo re-enacting a scene from The Anchor Man. This chick is peeing rainbows and I am mortified. Yes Belle - that conversation sure did flow because YOU DID ALL THE TALKING.

Renee is my favorite for now!

Juan Pablo made sure to make quality time for the elegant and timeless Sharleen who proved she is not a pretentious bitch but just insecure and quite classy. I'm on board and hope she goes far.

But my number one front-runner is Renee. Despite the fact she is playing mom of the house a little too often, I think she is a genuine gem and I get good vibes between her and JP. And let's make this clear, JP has a thing for mamas. Renee and Cassandra are both going to go far.

The disney princess gets the axe. Don't worry Belle, there must be more than this provincial life! Just keep on keeping on. As for Chantel, I hate to say it, but it was only a matter of time.

What a night friends. I am exhausted, but thoroughly entertained. Special thanks to Justine and Danica for the helpful commentary and of course for the breakout sing-session to Mariah Carey's I don't wannnnna cryyyyyyyy prompted by Chantel's exit.

Until next week!

Hilarity and PANIC sweep The Golden Globes

I love award shows because they remind us that celebrities are people too - people who skip eating solid foods to look their best, people who panic when they can't find their way or know what to say, people who need actual glasses to read, people who have wardrobe malfunctions, and people who are told to "shut up" (even if in this case it is with grandiose instrumental music).

Last night was my absolute favorite of all award shows - the 71st annual Golden Globe Awards. And so naturally, as you have come to expect, here is the play-by-play of my every real-time thought.

Designer: Reddi-Wip

Highlights from the red carpet special: 

Big Bird poses with the elderly.

• Did I miss the memo where Matt Lauer went blind? What is up with the ugly shades?
• Oh no. Lena Dunham - why? why? why? You are the coolest girl ever but you look like a pregnant tattooed version of big bird.
• Zooey Deschanel is dressed as if "elderly" is the new black.
• Hayden Panettiere's hair is channeling sonic the hedgehog.
• Taylor Swift looks lovely (even though I don't understand why she is here) 
• Flawless: Jennifer Lawrence, Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper among many others you can check out on Fashion Police. 
• Soap box moment: I wish all the women would stop talking about how little they have eaten to prepare for the carpet. On one hand, at least they are honest that they are not genetically glamorous, but at the same time it is endorsing this idea that we should feel guilt for eating - Not cool.

PAUSE.  On that note, I'm going to proudly grab a cookie (sorry NOT sorry), before I start the actual show. 

OKAY HERE WE GO!

• Tina Fey and Amy Poehler both look stunning and have taken care of any humor I could impart to the intro of the show.
  

  

  They are pure genius

• Jennifer Lawrence wins for American Hustle - WOO! She looks stunning and let's get real, she is all of our best friend. She didn't face plant on her way to the stage this year, so that's another win.
• Jacqueline Bisset - a. Who are you? b. Are you shocked or having a stroke? This is painful.
• You would think the pathway to the stage had land mines the way people are awkwardly navigating to the podium.
• There is now an old man thanking people I don't know for stuff I haven't seen... thank goodness for DVR. 
• Elizabeth Moss also has no clue how to get to the stage. The seating set-up is a true disaster - they should have equipped everyone with a freakin' GPS. 
• President of the Hollywood Foreign Press... thank goodness for DVR. 
• Teleprompter PANIC.
• MIRACULOUS - Bryan Cranston can actually find the stage and speak words at the podium.
• Only in America do we have a show called Masters of Sex nominated for an award. 
• I thought P Diddy was going to pull a Kanye West when Alex Ebert was recognized for

  

  EVERYONE PANIC.

  his ability to craft a perfect birds nest on the tip top of his head using only hair and a banana clip. Also - someone should tell his girlfriend to lay off the eye-brow pencil. 
• Who knew Usher was so short? Who knew Kate Beckinsale was going to be able to move her face with all of that botox. 
• OH This is why Taylor Swift is here... for "writing" Sweeter Than Fiction. Sorry TSwift - this isn't every other award show where you win everything. Bono is in attendance. 
• Olivia Wilde you are PURE PERFECTION. You make me want to get knocked up and wear and sparkly green dress just so I can be more like you.
• Amy Adams for the win for American Hustle! You are a delight in this and every other film you have done - specifically Enchanted.
• Jared Leto - gentle reminder. You are at the Golden Freakin Globes - not Bonaroo. Brush your "sun-in" dyed ponytail for God's sake. Luckily your stunning face and cheeky speech made up for it.
• Emma Thompson is a gem who is also now on that shoe designers black list until the end of time.  
• Foreign Language film...... thank goodness for DVR. 
• Melissa McCarthy is hilariously channeling Matt Damon. If only her dress was channeling something attractive. 

  

  Snuggies now come with bedazzeled scarfs

• WOOOHOOOO FROZEN WINS FOR ANIMATED FILM!!!! THIS IS THE MOST EXCITED I HAVE BEEN ALL NIGHT!! Pause, rewind, search for Idina Menzel in the audience, sigh when she is no where to be seen, but then relive the excitement all over again.
• Amy Poehler wins for Parks and Recreation! Happy for her, but let's get real, I'm just glad I didn't have to see Lena Dunham try to get to the stage in that neon yellow contraption. 
• I'm trying to figure out if Woody Allen is still alive....and there it is. Yep - he is no longer with us. - but this tribute is on crack. Why is Diane Keaton (who always insists on dressing like Ellen DeGeneres) singing a nursery rhyme? Make it all stop.
• LEO FOR THE WIN. Dear Leonardo DiCaprio - I am sadly not encouraged to see your movie because my mom said I would have nightmares of the f-word, greed, murder and rape for weeks on end, however - I will love you forever and never let go...(Jack).
• AMERICAN HUSTLE FOR THE WIN! I did NOT see this coming, but out of all of the films, this is the one I actually saw, so the takeaway here is that I'm super on trend you guys. NBD. 
• Cate Blanchett is pure elegance. And yes - we can hear the music too. 
• I'm personally glad Matthew Mcconaughey started eating solid foods again and I will admit, the spray tan was a nice touch to add a healthy glow. Well done with an entertaining speech. The men are really holding it all together this year.
• Johnny Depp must have used Jared Leto's sun-in. 
• 12 Years a Slave takes the win for motion-picture- drama. I am sure the film is great, but I feel like I have been watching this show for 12 years and I'm just praying this is the last award. 

WE MADE IT! Great show. I'm all out of words and you're all out of minutes to procrastinate from your Monday, so with that, I'm signing off (with this cheesy salutation) - Stay golden!

In a world where it's Juan-uary.

Juan Pablo - you even stole my heart.

Last night's premiere episode of The Bachelor took us to a world where one Venezuelan man, taken away from his native language, his "Partridge" family, and of course his daughter Dora...hmm I mean, Camilla...is dropped in the middle of 27 beautiful (certifiable) women in a mansion in LA all on a journey... WAIT....I'm sorry Juaney boy, I meant ADVENTURE... to find his soul mate. A world where it is normal to lather one's body seductively in the shower alone and stare into the sunset half-naked alone. A world where previous Bachelor Sean just happens to show up on a playground to give expert advice on kiss strategy.

A world where first impressions start with rolling pianos and fake pregnancy bellies. Where a 24-years-old's sole ambition in life is to be a step-mom. To really put this into perspective for you - this is a world where "Kylie" and "Kat" sound the same. 

Okay, fine. You win. I like you. I WILL accept the rose.

Before diving into the highlights of last night's episode, let's just start with some real talk. I am not going to lie to you - I sincerely wanted to dislike Juan Pablo. I was very skeptical going into this season because I felt like his "fan favorite" reputation was fabricated by the producers. I was also pretty convinced I would need subtitles to understand him, and on paper I did not think that he was THAT hot - woah, settle down ladies. This opinion takes a turn...

After getting to know his personality I will admit, he completely won me over. He may make the word "bachelor" 17 syllables long, but he makes hilarious comments like "No more limos!" and runs back into the mansion like a crazy person just to get a girl's name (I could hear the producer's screaming into their headsets - "JP on the loose!"). He is the kind of guy who breaks the ice by starting a dance party with the ladies and he may keep crazy flower-child Lucy (more on her later) but he gives the first impression rose to the lovely and "elegant" (awesome way to describe her Juaney boy) Sharleen.

He seems incredibly more down-to-earth than past contestants. He has a goofy flare about him that not only makes for extremely entertaining television ("Wow. Wow. Wow." "Hiyayayaya" "Uoooph she smells so good!" "What is your name again?" "Um, she is...how do you say in your country...oooh, she is a "happy camper!") but also creates an authenticity I haven't seen in a man on this show since maybe Bachelor Bob... and let's get real, even Bob was questionable.

With all of that being said, let's talk about the women. Naturally, they are all predisposition to be obsessed with Juan Pablo at first glance. After all, he will be the sole source of validation they are allowed to receive over the next 12 weeks (if they make it that long). Yes ladies, it could be the body, it could be the hair, it could be the accent - OR it could be the alcohol. Regardless, these ladies are ready to be vulnerable, ready to be mothers, and as an interesting twist - they all have their limbs this year. HOWEVER - there was no shortage of crazy.

"I just want to rub my body up all over a man" Um...

Amy the massage-freak (who reminded me so much of Ellie Kemper's character in Bridesmaids) topped the certifiable charts for me. But flower-child Lucy was not far behind with her brazen come-on and god-awful outfit. I have to wonder if the producers hired these two ladies as actresses, hence why we have 27 instead of just 25 contestants this season. I just have a hard time believing these girls are real people.

And let's not forget about Lauren - the girl from Oklahoma whose fiance left her "oh so unexpectedly." This was a straight-up train wreck and therefore got tons of airtime. Dear Lauren - if this "isn't who you really are" and "you want people to stop feeling sorry for you" then you are going to have to MAN THE F UP AND STOP CRYING. You pretty much failed when you confused Juan Pablo for your therapist. Just. Saying.

Profession: Disney Princess

And since WHEN is it a profession to be a "free spirit," a "dog lover" or a "Disney Princess." Oh wait, to be fair Amy L. is actually a news reporter but she IS from Orlando and I swear, she is either hopped up on drugs or is channeling Belle from Beauty and the Beast (eh, but who am I to talk when it comes to Disney).

So far my favorites start with Sharleen - the cultured and elegant opera singer who is the only girl to refreshingly admit she did not speak any Spanish instead of spewing out elementary phrases like "me gusta hot guys." And Juan Pablo really sealed the deal for me as a stand-up guy when he said- "Well, I speak a little bit of English, so we're good."

And let's just discuss how Justine and I proceed to have a legit living room STANDING OVATION when JP left to get the first impression rose for Sharleen. We were overjoyed. Well that was before we realized she was going to respond like a lost toddler in the grocery store. That pause was longer and even more awkward than when Cassandra introduced herself (crickets, crickets). But finally Sharleen accepted and I'm hoping she sticks around.

Elegance is pure genius.

Also - ladies, take note. The woman who's boobs were not throwing themselves a parade and who's ass crack wasn't peaking from the back of her dress is the woman who got the first impression rose. (Although, I must admit, when Andi got out of the car and Juan Pablo practically had an orgasm, I thought it was going to her).

Lauren S - My best friend ever.

I also really liked: Allison (the nanny who looks like Deanna Pappas), Chealsie (the science educator, even though I think at times she was channeling a Doodle Bop), Clare (the hairstylist with the cryptic dead daddy DVD), Lauren S (who is the music composer who I am "friends" with through my best guy friend's girlfriend's best friend's cousin - yep. We're practically besties), Nikki (the pediatric nurse who inspired Juan Pablo to say "oh yes your heart went boom boom" - precious), and Renee (the mom of 8-year-old Ben).

I was pretty pleased with Juan Pablo's selections come the end of the night minus the fact he kept Lucy. He even gracefully handled the "mix up" when he called Kat's name - BLESS KYLIE'S HEART - and yes I mean that in a "betch, why you too drunk to hear right?" kind of way.

We are officially one episode in on this adventure and I cannot wait to see how everything unfolds. Until then ladies - let's learn from the mistakes witnessed here. Don't cry, think your name is a name that sounds nothing like your name, or violently rub up on a suited man to make a good first impression. What would we do without The Bachelor for these key lessons in life?

ADIOS AMIGOS! (see, it doesn't work for me either ladies - let's just drop it all together).

Snow globe turned snowball of bull crap

2014 is here! Despite the fact I am bursting with excitement from all the blessings in my life, it is hard to ignore some stark realities I don't particularly enjoy about the start of a new year. The first being - the entire month of January.

I have always found the first four weeks that greet us (smack us in the face) once we turn the page to a new year to be a bit unsatisfactory (utterly awful and depressing). All the things we put off in December while in a magical coma of awesome, such as saving money, eating greens, working out, being a productive member of society, etc., all come back around like a boomerang of bull crap. Suddenly "I'll worry about that later - sing me a carol and pass me the CHEESE" becomes "Wait a minute. Later is NOW. Shit!" (or in my case, lack thereof.. if ya know what I mean).

We are back at work being forced to use our brain, back in the gym cursing the Christmas cookies we justified eating dozens of (each day) and counting down to MLK day if you're lucky enough to get it off. We are thinking up resolutions and trying to be "better people" by sticking to them (and loathing ourselves when we fail).

FYI: This is what you get when you Google frozen bull crap.

But wait! There's more - let's roll the bull crap in gray skies and dip it in a high of 7 degrees. Where the F do we live?! Dear Mother Nature - get a map. Then look at TN. We live in the South, thank you very much. THE SOUTH where people stock up on bread because of a low of 35 degrees and a 2% chance of really cold rain. Take that down a few more notches and madness ensues - we're talking panic in the milk aisle and chatter about building safe rooms. So please, take your sub-zero temperatures and stick them back up your hoohah.

To top this off, my frozen bull crap is missing my man who is oversees in Germany for the entire month throwing me for a cultural loop. To be a team player I googled "how to say 'welcome to Germany' in German" and I guess Willkommen in Deutschland is the winner. I have to say it looks a little like "douches-land" at first glance but I think we can overlook that for now. Also - for a minute I thought google didn't understand me because I figured Germany would be Germany in all languages. Mind. Blown. Let's overlook that too for the sake of my reputation of having a functioning brain.

My saving grace. Or as he would say: mi gracia salvadora

But don't worry my friends. We will get through this together thanks to two words: JUAN. PABLO. The Bachelor starts tonight and naturally my sub-zero heart is thawing simply at the thought (and the accent). Plus, only four weeks separate us from February - which understandably has its own issues but at least by then we've stopped worrying about being "better people" and are focused way more on preparing our systems for the justifiable wine and chocolate onslaught of Valentine's Day.  (Let's get real, whether you are single or in love, wine and chocolate overdose is a must). 

And once we have made it through these next four weeks, we will all be rewarded with a trip to the most magical place on earth - a whole week in Disney World! And by "we" I mean "me and my sister" but don't worry - my posts will make you feel like you were along for the ride.

So let's grab January by the frozen bull crap balls and show it who is BOSS. We can do this! Just put down the cheese, change your Pandora station from Celine Christmas back to Michael Buble (with a mix of Garth Brooks and the Goo Goo Dolls), turn on The Bachelor and hold your head up high.

(And if you sneak yourself a piece of cheese to brighten your day, just remember - no one has to know and pooping is over-rated).

On the other side of awesome.... is more awesome.

Confession time. I realize the past few weeks I have been distant. You may have thought it a bit cold or rude. You may have wondered - what did I do to deserve this - is this my fault? I'm sorry if I made you feel neglected, especially during the most magical time of the year. But I promise it wasn't you. It was me.

Well, it wasn't just me entirely. You see, I was trapped in a snow globe of AWESOME and despite my best efforts to write, I was unable to find a safe wi-fi enabled location to contact you without being interrupted by a parade of more awesome. As I am sure you can imagine, it has been a rough ride for me as well - so much to say and yet no time or place to find the words! But we are back together again in 2014, and just in time for JUAN-UARY (aka the premiere of Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor!)

But before we dig into all of the alcohol-induced desperation that is about to ensue with a twist of Dora the Explorer-inspired vocabulary in Bachelor world, let's talk a little more about how December 2013 was my betch.

Being home in NC for the holidays was relaxing, gluttonous and pretty much like unwrapping a new (piece of cheese) treasure every hour of the day. Add family, friends, games, secret Santa, wine, more cheese, Celine Dion (to clarify I mean her music - unfortunately Celine was busy this year and couldn't stop by), movies and gift-giving to the two catalog-worthy Christmas trees and a life-size elf hanging from the ceiling and what you get is a winter wonderland.

We followed up our celebrations of Christmas day with a private party in a cozy Italian restaurant to celebrate my Poppy's 80th birthday. I don't think the wait-staff anticipated the musical snack that would grace them between courses. Yes. My mom assembled the most epic playlist of all time. Celine Dion and Barbara Streisand were in the house and we certainly left our mark on that back room when Whitney Houston closed out the evening. Let's just say mine and sister's weddings will be the musical events of the century.

I came back home to Nashville just in time to ring in the New Year in music city with some of my favorite people in all the world - more games, wine and cheese dipped in cheese and topped with a sprinkle of, well... cheese. Let's just get real for a minute - I haven't crapped in weeks. Sorry? Not sorry. TMI? Deal with it.

2013 was everything I hoped it would be. I discovered new friends, restaurants and passions in my favorite city. I traveled, spent time with my incredibly supportive family and deepened my relationships with the best friends a girl could ask for. I learned a lot of incredible lessons, settled into an awesome position at work, kissed a lot of frogs and may have even found a prince.

2014: Top that!
(No but really... please do. That would be super great).