When you wish upon a reality show

"Just call me Jiminy Cricket"

Once upon a time in the Bachelor mansion, our narrator Chris pep-talks the ladies as they approach another week of hair-pulling cat fights and Madonna songs on replay followed by a heartfelt reiteration that farmer boy is here for the right reasons. In fact, he can see his wife in this room. He has no idea which hoo-hah it is, which if you ask me, is every girl's dream.

There are two group dates and a one-on-one date. Usually Chris picks (read: the producers pick) but now Chris's sisters will decide who goes on the one-on-one date this week (read: the producers pick). Meanwhile, the group date card arrives and it is all about being a natural woman.... time to let your arm pit hair shine, ladies.

Ashley I. proves she doesn't know what natural means as she holds her hair extension in place as the ladies take two Cadillac cars to a lake. Chris is "really excited" to see how the girls react to being outdoors (read: for them to strip down to bikini's and splash around in a lake). It's true Chris, there's nothing more natural than prancing around in your birthday suit.

Back at the house Chris's three sisters arrive. In their initial interaction with the ladies left at home we learn just how much our Bachelor has shared about his family .... "Wait, so like... you actually live in Ireland?... You mean like... instead of 'Murica...?!.... But why?!"

Whitney was super cute last week on her one-on-one date after warming up, but when she talks to the sisters she comes off like a caricature of a Disney princess (which is appropriately on par with the theme this episode). Britt is extremely low-key and "at peace". All the ladies quote Journey's small town girl. Jade shares her special talents, and seduces the sisters with her quiet subtlety. Jillian does some push-ups. Carly wants Chris to be like her Grandpa.

We're not surprised when Jade gets the date card and is treated to a Cinderella-style affair with Chris. As the card is read, Britt throws up a little in her mouth. Whitney doesn't understand why the Disney princess date is being wasted on a boring brunette.

Back at the lake, the ladies are playing naked red-rover while Kelsy is pissed she is in a dingy pond, fake-smiling and getting stung in the inner-thigh by a bee. The ladies put sticks in holes for shelter and some of them even put clothes on... novel concept.

"So who here has heard of a tent?"

Kaitlyn is completely in her element camping in the wild – dropping words like "natural" at every turn to stay on theme, and naturally, digging deep into Chris's love language – nothing like psycho-analyzing under the stars. Meanwhile the ladies circle the camp fire as Kelsy's disdain for the date heats up. Ashley I. tries to find a bear to attack Kelsy while she has some saran-wrapped alone-time with Chris. Ashley S. mixed her pills again and the full moon is the candle on top of the crazy cake. She makes it impossible for her words not to resonate in Chris's mind... for the rest of his life.

Ashley I. gets some one-on-one time but is too busy reapplying her eye lashes to put together a coherent thought. Meanwhile, her tongue never misses a beat. She walks away completely convinced that their chemistry (and her nostalgic story about a lunch box and a uni-brow) is the most captivating part of his evening.... WRONG. Kaitlyn gets the rose since she was one of the few chicks to border on normal.

Chris is "completely asleep" when Ashley I. crashes his tent to divulge just how "freakin innocent" she really is and inexperienced in every way possible. She just wants to be sure that Chris knows that when it comes to the sack she has zero mojo... lot's to look forward to, farmer boy. Let's break this down - the chick went to a man's tent late at night to suck his face in an effort to reiterate that she is not a hook-up girl...

The next day all of the girls pile around Jade as Kelly Osbourne circa 40 years from now comes to dress her for the ball. Surprise - Jade gets to keep the glass slippers and Neil Lane diamond earrings (read: product placement) and her look was inspired by the new film Cinderella (read: product placement). All remaining women turn into evil step sisters. Specially Ashley I. who, if truly a Disney princess, needs to channel Elsa and freakin let it go.

"So refreshing to sit with a woman and not feel violated"

Jade arrives and Chris is blown away (/secretly wishing it was Britt and trying to remember the chick's name as she walks down the stairs...). Jade is hoping for the rose tonight, which is totally unexpected information. She confesses she has been engaged before, but it did not work out. He is just relieved Jade didn't drop a baby bomb – finally a personal confession that does not include child care. She gets the rose. I can definitely see her being a wife long-term in Iowa, HOWEVER, I do not see her having enough of a spark to go far in this competition. They dance to a full orchestra and are up-staged by Cinderella choreography. It's refreshing to see Chris actually act like a man around Jade, likely because she does not try to win him over with magical belly button rings and tongue rapes.

Back at the house, Ashley gets in her princess dress eating corn on the cob, which, she assures you, is the closest her mouth has gotten to an object of that shape.

"Did Carly just crap her pants?"

The final group date is a wedding dress
adorned mud-run. At first, Jillian would like nothing more than to trade her butt-ugly wedding dress in for booty shorts and dumb bells instead of the dumb gals in the limo with her. But the minute she sees mud her hoo-hah lights up. It is off to the races and as expected, Jillian (Michaels) wins the race. While the ladies slosh through manure to catch up, Chris takes a small bowl of mud and rubs it on his face to look the part.

Jillian and Chris have a one-on-one dinner. She takes a shot of adrenaline before sitting down. He spends some time talking about family and asking the big questions like "where do you see yourself in five years.." She is so super spontaneous she sees nothing stable, but does plan to body-build and divulge her dirty humor, which includes a bizarre version of would you rather.... Chris fogs over and dreams of unicorns and dancing fairies (direct quote...). When it comes to rose time, Jillian does not make the cut. She shows one of the first signs of sincerity that we've seen from her the whole show. Sadly, it is a JoJo song. We wonder who's ass the producers are going to block out now that she's gone.

At the cocktail party Megan from Nashville gets some one-on-one time, during which she reenacts the trailer of fifty shades of grey (read: all hype, no meat). I really want to like her... and yet she proves to be a bit daft week after week.

"It is so hard being a slut trapped in a virgin's body!"

Ashley I. thinks that somehow being a virgin is the key to Chris's heart so she grills him on what his takeaway was from their tent conversation. Chris's mind takes flight "unicorns....dancing fairies..." until she says virgin and it's panic at the disco. Abort, abort, abort. Where is the belly button... I want to wish out of this conversation. Ashley spends so much time saying "I promise I'm not a hook-up girl" and yet when Chris doesn't pounce after learning she is a virgin, she loses her mind. Dear Ashley: Your virginity is not why you're not getting a rose... it's your sanity that is in question. We learn Becca is also a virgin, which bodes well for Chris's reputation when he lets Ashley I. go home... eventually.

Britt (who just two days ago was "at peace") confronts Chris about the fact he is dating other girls. Chris doesn't understand why that would concern her. No one understands why this conversation is happening since this show is very openly a dating competition. Britt throws the rest of the girls under the bus by using an ambiguous "we" and making Chris feel like everyone is as insecure as she is. Chris is thinking – "Britt, you knew what you were getting into and I don't have to defend kissing lots of women in bikinis all the time to you... I do what I want... I'm Bachelor, hear me roar." But instead, he takes his gusto to the main room where he makes a statement about his heart and soul and being here for the right reason – a speech we've never heard before on this show.

Honey badger don't give a...

Time for the Princess roll call:

Whitney - Cinderella (on uppers)

Carly - Rapunzel (with a Grandpa complex)

Megan - Sleepy beauty

Samantha - Pocahontas (aka, outlander... who are you?!)

Mackenzie - Fern Gully

Kelsy - Anastasia (who apparently turns into the evil queen next week)

Becca - Carrie Underwood (who by the way, is a princess in my book)

Ashley I. - Jasmine's evil, virgin twin

Britt - Esmeralda

Juelia, Ashley S. and a brunette who got zero face time went home. We understand why. We hope Ashley S. has been diagnosed and is seeking treatment.

And they all lived happily ever after....?!

Lookin so CRAZY in love

"I'm like Mother Mary... a small part of a bigger plan."

This week's episode of The Bachelor begins where we left off last week – Chris is basking in the glory of being adored by intoxicated barbies, feeling only just a little bad for sending home perfectly normal girls in exchange for chicks who have been plucked from the asylum.

Kimberly, who was just sent home, comes back into the mansion to steal Chris away "to chat" and the girls, who just moments ago were panicked they would be alongside her in limos to the airport, have become entitled brats.

The beautiful but slightly desperate Kimberly pleas for Chris to give her a second chance (in complete daylight) while the rest of the exhausted  and hostile hoohahs sit on the floor of the crazy den.... I mean mansion... bitching and moaning. ABC - was furniture not in your budget?

Kimberly explains to Chris that last night an angel appeared to her and told her of her divine purpose on a reality show called The Bachelor. Chris hears nothing as he ruminates over what is happening. Um - ABC - I thought you said once I reject the girls, they leave my sight forever? THIS is not THAT. Chris Harrison - what am I ever to do with this beautiful lady I've known for 15 seconds who is crying at me? Chris H., in a true yoda fashion, shares his wisdom by saying "This is your life." Wow. It doesn't get much more profound than that.

The ladies finally find some furniture when Chris drags Kimberly back in to stay, commending her "bravery." What is brave is that this chick is now willing to live with a group of women who want to kill her in her sleep.

And this is all before the opening credits.... 

The next morning (more like five hours later, the same day) Chris H. surveys the women on their first evening at the house. The ladies admit that last night was, like, a TOTAL BLURRR..... yeah. Gals - this is not rocket science - an IV of champagne will have that effect.

Next up is the BIG SHOCKER (which I actually thought was normal for every season, but I guess not) – in a big twist contrived to encourage the women's bad behavior, Chris will live 15 feet away from the ladies' mansion. In case you're still putting this all together, that means that in addition to turning dating into a competitive sport, The Bachelor is also a big supporter of unwanted pregnancy. The way this is starting off, Chris rewards women like Kimberly who "show bravery" and fight for him – so I think it is safe to say we can expect spider-man style wall-scaling nightly from the girls.

"Group dates are just super hard...no wait, that's my crotch"

Group date #1: A pool party - duh. 
After splashing around in the pool as a group, Kimberly and Chris have some half-naked one-on-one time. Discussions of love growing like the crotch of his pants.... or something like that...occurs.

Megan and Jillian's blurred butt crack (maybe she laughed and a little poop came out?) sneak into Chris's room. Whilst inside, Megan makes a committed effort to lose brain cells by smashing her helmeted-head up against every surface in the room. Dear Megan - I am not sure how many brain cells you have to start with, so it would be wise to play it safe.

"Iowa must be like, totally awesome."

Later, the classyness continues as Chris challenges the ladies to a bikini-clad tractor race. I swear, when the girl he picks settles in Iowa she is going to be pissed activities like this are not the norm. But, like, wait - aren't tractors built to be fun? And why is no one topless?! Jasmine wins... I mean Ashley I. - and she gets some one-on-one time we don't even see.... so likely the conversation was way too normal for TV with zero groping.

Back at the house we learn more about the ladies. Dear Chris - Juelia's husband killed himself. Take notes (okay, okay that was harsh - I take it back). But as you can tell, the producers have picked a bushel of women with tragic baggage they've not yet moved on from. A total recipe for true love. The women rally around Juelia as she balls – and yet something tells me they will be hating on her when she jumps Chris's gate (bones) for some quality time down the road.

Chris feels super awkward by the group date situation so he sends everyone away except for Mackenzie... The way I see it, he secretly hopes that she has special brownies and/or is wondering what hair product she uses to encourage fly-aways.

Tara is already balling because she is walking away empty handed. Quite honestly, I am shocked she isn't walking away with a flask in her hand. The women don't seem to understand that they are now, no longer eligible for the rose.... what idiots. 

"I hide aliens in my hair. NBD."

Mackenzie unleashes her crazy in full force by telling Chris he has a big honking nose, wants the back-story of his once-pierced ear, and... DEEPEST BREATH EVER...she has a kid. And now we are talking about aliens.... I mean... you're a farmer so like... crop circles? right?!  Come on Chris - get with it! How to lose a guy in ten minutes: reenact this date. And yet she gets the rose..... but I kind of get it. Chris couldn't not rose her because the women back at the mansion would think he was a baby-hater, so he was a bit cornered.

Megan from Nashville gets the first one-on-one – except she has no idea until the girls explain it to her..... um, have you ever seen this show?! Following, she wants us all to feel her shaking insides. Um... no thank you?!

We are not even an hour in.... I have never had so much to say. 

Megan and Chris head off in the limo. She reads words like "airport" and has to remind herself to breathe. Her edit is making her look like a total airhead. Let's pray it's an edit since she is from Nashville and I really want to like her.

"Are you sure we shouldn't be quietly cuddling in a moving vehicle?"

A private jet takes them to Las Vegas, where they then get in a helicopter to tour the Grand Canyon. In true ABC fashion it is a date with minimal talking, lots of touching and tons of air transportation. Note to all women on this show: come with a sob story and you're guaranteed at least through the first few dates. I really feel for her in the wake of her dad's passing, and I know Chris does too, but now he has been cornered for the second time with a dropped bomb of emotion – so naturally - she gets a rose. I think he would have given it to her regardless...but the poor guy. Kissy kissy, lovey, lovey lovey.... moving on.

Group Date #2: Till death do us part...
All of the women are dropped in the middle of nowhere at night. They enter an arsenal to kill some zombies with paint ball guns in teams of three. Ashley S. (no-blink) is ready to take over the world.... a world she doesn't want to gain, but she doesn't want to lose either...

The gang heads out to paint ball some zombies. The way I see it Chris could be with a group of gay men, and he would be just as close to finding love.... how is this a means of getting to know one another? And are we sure Ashley S. isn't a zombie herself? After popping zombies, they pop some champagne (aka: what Jordan has been doing every hour since landing in LA.... this girl needs some professional help). Oh wait... Jillian pooped herself again?! What is up with all the black bars on her bottom region?

"Who knew popping ecstasy would bring out my inner terrorist?"

And in the end we all find out just how bat shit cray Ashley S. is... specifically when she takes Chris on a walk to remember... and not the Mandy Moore kind...everyone agrees she is certifiable.

Britt and Chris have some normal one-on-one time in which she expresses her insecurities and they talk to death "the process" and "the journey." FINALLY we are back on track to some Bachelor normalcy. Then they make-out after Chris gives her a love poem... we thought he was a prodigy BEFORE rhyming "kiss" with "Chris" but this really puts it over the top.

But then out of nowhere, Kaitlyn gets the rose.... um what?! Did they even say hello to each other? Yeah girl, you're on Chris's ass backward radar. Be proud.

30 minutes left.

At the cocktail party Chris has three wishes to make on the virgin, princess Jasmine's belly button ring.... He wishes for a kiss. And instead his mouth gets raped. I don't know what kind of belly button ring this is, but the answered prayers are aggressive. And I feel like I might vomit a little.

Britt sees and has a full-on meltdown, unsure of how to navigate the situation. Chris navigates it with his lips, no problem.

Jordan is wasted and makes a fool of herself...I'm tempted to fast-forward, but like a train wreck, I can't look away.

"I just, like, don't understand WHAT he didn't see in me?!"

Time for the rose ceremony: Tara does not appear to be drunk which is a change...
Britt: I really like her despite the meltdown.
Ashley I (Princess Jasmine): Not a fan of the virgin ho-bag
Chelsea: She seems normal.... so far
Samantha: Who are you?
Juelia: Not to be confused with Jillian who face-plants when she thinks her name is called instead.
Amber: Token.... I didn't say it.
Traci: Who are you?
Jillian: For reals this time.
Jade: Who are you?
Vicki: Who are you?
Becca / Carrie Underwood: Jesus took the wheel
Carly: Who are you?
Britney: I haven't heard you talk enough tonight to know if that nasal voice is a full-on condition
Ashley S: It's like rewarding a puppy for crapping on the carpet over and over again

As for the ladies going home?
Tara will be haunted for the rest of her life. The flight attendant was ushered to the emergency exit (see, I can make puns too....). Jordan is hopefully on her way to AA. Kimberly was dumped... twice. Ouch. Divine prophecy my ass.

And.....it's finally over. 
Oh but wait - scenes for next week.... Chris is abducted by Jimmy Kimmel.
Okay, now it's over.

So it's gonna be forever, Or it's gonna go down in flames

yeah, yeah - we'll get to you in a minute

Of course, we must talk about farmer Chris and all the nightmares dressed like daydreams in last night's premiere of The Bachelor - and we will! But first I wanted to fill you all in on where I've been the last few months, and an awesome opportunity I've had to share my more personal writing through 12th & Broad.

After writing restaurant and real estate themed posts for the site for over 6 months, I have since transitioned to writing an Adventures of Adulthood series that posts every Friday on the site 12thandbroad.com. In turn, I have neglected to update my sweet Lost and Found blog, surely to the disappointment of the masses - I am so sorry to have let you (five people) down! That said, I thought I would abbreviate the "life update" by instead linking off to my first six posts in the series. I would LOVE your readership and feedback and you can learn all about the craziness that has been going on in mine and Erik's attempt to be normal.

Intro post - Changes, Contrast and Cupcakes
Holiday Tug of War
Defying the Hamster Wheel
The True Meaning of a Grown Up Christmas
The Five Resolutions Every Grown Up Should Have
Now What?
Next Friday we are reviewing some 2015 At-Home workout DVD's for those looking to bust a move and burn some calories without having to get a gym membership. Spoiler alert - Brazil Butt Lift is not for everyone.
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Chris: Channel the manly stare while propped on a loaner motocycle

Okay enough plugging... onto the important things...

In this 19th season of The Bachelor empire, we are reunited with Chris Soules - a 4th generation farmer living in a Jason Aldean song in small town Iowa who was tossed by diva-frown-face (Andi Dorfman) in last season's installment of The Bachelorette.

Of course, the show opens with the usual eye-candy set-up re-introducing Chris and showcasing his "normal life" activities. Like feeding the world one seed at time, prancing around fields of gold, sudsing up in an outdoor shower and thinking pensively outside a barn. Oh and naturally, making love metaphors at every turn. "Love is a lot like cow manure ...."

But unique to this season, we also got the "pleasure" of watching previous Bachelor contestants egos inflate to unhealthy levels at a red carpet hot mess (that included ugly capes, silver glitter space suits, tons of selfies and an uncomfortably long interview with Nikki). The red carpet section of this show deserves it's own blog post.
In the interest of time -
---Sean's been in Chris's pants and knows what it's like to be faced with the anxiety of being The Bachelor. #firstworldproblems
---Nikki has a gag order from JP and she is quite possibly Tammy Wynette's biggest fan
---There are no qualifications of mental stability to attend (I never thought I would see crazy Michelle again - and there she is in black culottes suspiciously keeping her cool)
---Bachelor "fans" make me embarrassed to be a Bachelor fan
---It seems Chris and his chosen one will not face the "media scrutiny" and "constant paparazzi attention" since they will live in Iowa where apparently no one will be able to find them.  Since when did Iowa become the Bermuda triangle?

Back to the REAL SHOW  – we meet the line-up of women. While we are not going to talk about the entire list of Miss America Pageant contestants, each equipped with special talents and drinking disorders, there are a few things I would like to mention:
---All women in their early 20's (with or without having gained "maturity" through childbirth) should go home. I know ABC is casting these ladies to amp up the drama due to the lack of development in their young (possibly alcoholic) brains, but Chris is over 30 and it's a bit unsettling to watch.

I like hugs. Tonsil hugs.

---While Britt is a 24-year-old waitress (dream big) (who, by the way, looks a ton like Nick Lachey's wife... what is her name.... anyways you get the point) she seems like she will end up likeable and they do seem to have an instant connection. She can stay. Chris agrees as indicated by the first impression rose and proceeding make out session.
---An elegant dress should not show your butt crack.
---Whitney - the fertility specialist from Chicago is cute with the exception of the fact when she speaks she sounds like air moving through a small butt crack. Lot's of butt cracks this season. What can I say.

My eyes will find you. Even in IOWA.

---Amanda got an intro because she lives with her mom and doesn't have a domestic bone in her body. Also because ABC finds it hilarious that her eyes are trying to escape her body. 
---Kelsey - the widower with the hot bod and cute cropped hairdo is sweet enough - I bet she goes far. I don't think she will win, which already breaks my heart since she has been through such a loss and believes a reality show will fix her broken heart. What happened to good old therapy?
---Jillian the news anchor by day, body builder by night probably has more testosterone than Chris.
---Mackenzie is 21 and has a son named Kale. I think she makes lots of special brownies with a plant that is definitely not Kale.
---Alissa is a flight attendant and her entire intro package is one sickening metaphor. Buckle up. You will be on a flight back home in no time.
---Megan from Nashville actually seems really normal. Way to represent.
---Tara had a cute enough intro showing up in "comfortable" (creeping up her ass) clothes to show her true colors (her actual ass). And then it all goes down hill. From a wardrobe change exposing a god-awful tattoo to an all-night love affair with booze, she gets wasted, and still get selected over some other girls who kept their cool. And so it goes...
---Jordan and Tara met in AA.  
---Trina has the name of a (yellow) power ranger without any of the substance
---Becca looks a lot like Carrie Underwood - am I right?!
---Ashley S. does not have the ability to blink. Ever. Which must be rough with all of that onion-loving she does in her spare time. Note: stealing metaphors from Shrek does not make you deep.
---Life jackets can be either orange OR red. 

Limo arrivals included all the lame producer-pushed gimmicks in the book, and clearly first impressions didn't stop Chris from wanting to learn more.... yep even from those so forward as to  invite Chris to plow the bleep out of her field, any day. I don't know about you, but that sounds like the impression of a life long soul mate.

Every year they try to mix it up by throwing a major shock, awe and surprise into the evening's usual routine. This time, they split the girls up into two groups. Chris met and spent time with the first 15 girl and later (after circling the mansion guzzling wine for what could have been hours) he meets the second half. The inside of the mansion becomes West Side Story.

After the usual cocktail shenanigans and the make-out session with Britt as detailed above, Chris finally has the rose ceremony. It is what I can only imagine to be 5am. The women are exhausted, drunk, and falling over. No wait, that's just Tara. He goes through his choices, stopping dramatically midway to consult with Chris about the moral implications of picking a wasted girl. They decide that's what Jesus would do.

Those that did not receive a rose: 
Amanda - aka crazy eyes
Bo - he is not all about that bass, I suppose
Brittany
Kara
Michelle
Nicole
Reegan
If you don't remember who these people are, it's okay. At this stage, no one is crying but them.

And then of course there is Kimberly who did not get a rose, but turned back around into the house to confront Chris about it. DUM DUM DUM. Dear Chris Harrison. Those that watch this show do so because there is an unexplainable inability not to and it is an excellent excuse to drink heavily on a Monday. We do not need a cliff hanger to return next week - but we appreciate the effort.