just STOOOOP with all the second-hand embarrassment

I am not going to lie, I have been struggling a bit with this season for a few reasons: 

1. The normal factor: Andi is pretty normal so far. There is really not much to say about her other than the fact I wish she would stop saying STOOOOP to everything and that those little spaces in her teeth didn't exist - but let's get real, that's just plain nit-picky. She can be dramatic, but it is a reality show and I have to commend her for at least engaging the guys in real conversation - we are not used to that so early on, and it is quite refreshing.

He is so handsome... they need to STOOOP torturing us

2. The ghost factor: Eric is by far my top contender and it is seriously gut-wrenching and heart breaking for me to listen to his dreams of a family knowing none of those dreams got to come true. He is so charming and authentic, and for how good looking and well-traveled he is, he isn't the least bit conceited. While I understand that ABC wants to honor his contribution to the show, it is hard to watch such a seemingly great guy start a romantic journey, knowing that he was tragically taken too soon.

3. The closet factor: I am having a hard time believing that some of these guys actually like women... yes, I mean as opposed to men. Lot's of weird vibes being passed around this season. Call it bromantic if you'd like... but I'm calling it a little gay.

At this point, there are 19 guys left (10 of which bat for the other team) and an enthusiastic Andi is super excited to start dating these guys and learn all about them. Guess who else is excited to learn more - ME! Turns out after catching up on the first half hour of the premiere, we missed NOTHING. The guys background stories were cut out of the season entirely. Weird decision, ABC. I would have much rather watched some cheesy b-roll of dudes in their "natural habitat" than see Grandpapa LL Cool J try to arrest party crasher Chris. Anywho, I digress.

HIGHLIGHT REEL:

• Chris Harrison tries to bring back the phrase "wassup fellas" and in turn, needs to do a skin check. 
• Eric gets the first one-on-one date and charms us all as he and Andi fly kites on the beach and later snowboard down Bear mountain - climate change brought to you by helicopter. 
• They are greeted by a snowboarder, who slowly takes off his helmet to reveal he is someone famous in the snowboard world (I don't feel like googling). I was secretly hoping it was going to be Chris Harrison with a rose... hah.
• Eric and Andi are very cute together and we learn a lot about Eric on this date. See the ghost factor above for how I feel about all this. I was very surprised they didn't kiss, unless they did and the editors cut it out, which is possible given the sensitivity to the circumstance.
• DeAnna Pappas dropped in for a horribly-acted product placement for Suave. Tons of second-hand embarrassment ensues.
• Andi had fun with Eric but she really missed the 14 other guys she has only known for two minutes a piece, so instead of spending any real quality time with them, she is instead going to get to know them better by sending them off to learn how to become strippers for charity.
• Cody is so roided up it's gross to watch. He may not be into boys per se, but he loves himself more than he could ever love another. 
• Craig unleashes his "personality" which includes stuffing his pants with a sock and literally

  

  "Oh heyyy!" Exhibit A. Need I say more?

  obsessing over Josh M's hot body.
• Chris Harrison just spanked a guys ass.... is everyone turning gay?! WHAT IS IN THE VODKA THIS SEASON?!
• Marcus stands out as a real sweetheart - humble, yet willing to put himself out there and have fun. Andi is on the same page with my assessment and gives him the rose. 
• The after party took Craig's crotch-stuffing to the next level. He drowns his sorrows with the entire contents of an ABC store in an attempt to reconcile the fact he signed up for this show thinking Andi was short for Andrew. 
• Andi, likely coaxed by the producers, takes the Craig chaos and blows it out into some sweeping concern that these guys aren't here for the right reason. This show's formula is getting so transparent. It was one dude who you never even liked from the beginning because you know, just as we do, that he is more attracted to Josh than he is to you. Stop milking it as if you discovered all 14 guys in an orgy. Although - honestly, at this point I wouldn't be shocked if that happened either. 
• Who was the other guy in the swim trunks in the pool with Craig? How come none of the attention was on him? Perhaps it was Chris Harrison joining in on the fun to stir the pot?!
• Chris, the farmer from Iowa, gets the second one-on-one date. He gets dressed up and says he

  

  She is totally bored.

  feels like pretty woman.... He is super excited and very sweet, but I don't think he has the spark or swagger Andi is looking for. The date at the race tracks was pretty vanilla. 
• They looked good, they bid on horses, they had a very staged conversation with a couple who was married for 50 years about how to make love last. I threw up a little in my mouth. 
• They shared some peck-like bird kisses while a depressing band played a song called "Am I meant to be alone?" In a nutshell - she is probably lusting after Josh M. the whole time but is really REALLY trying to ignite her loins by the presence of this sweet farmer. It's not working... "nice" doesn't win this show.
• At the rose ceremony Nick V. makes a sweet impression and I think he will get a one-on-one soon.
• Marquel's fashion is extremely questionable.... there is metro and then there is circus clown and Marquel is definitely walking that line.
• Andi and Josh make out during their one-on-one time, which is a not surprising. Craig cries somewhere in the corner having missed out on his chance with Josh.
• Craig tries to serenade Andi and I fast forward because I have had enough second-hand embarrassment tonight. 
• The guys going home are Carl - the firefighter - who handled his exit very gracefully. Nick S is shocked and is trying to not totally freak and break down (staying calm is critical for his hair-line at this point.. deep breaths) and Craig, who will miss the guys more than Andi.

Side note: I think Andi should have pulled Craig aside and been HONEST instead of using the over-drinking as a cop out. She should have explained that while the drinking was not cool, it was bigger than that - it was a lack of chemistry - it was a lurking feeling that he might not have a desire for women - just so he doesn't fester over that one night that "ruined his chances of finding true love". He was never in the running but now, instead of coming out of the closet, the guy is going to sign up for AA meetings....

Next week is a double header which I will combine into a highlight reel post on Wednesday! Until then!

I don't know how to feel... but are we sure these guys are straight?

So far I don't think you're totally annoying. So that's good.

After having an exhilarating time watching the Dancing With the Stars finals, I went to my DVR to switch over to the Bachelorette, which has been set up as a series pass since the beginning of time. Yet, by some regrettable twist of fate it did not record and so the first half hour of the show was lost forever.

The girls and I (mainly me) were very, very upset. We missed re-meeting Andi Dorfman, watching her walk along a sunset beach talking about her quest for love, laced with repeat footage from her appearance in Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor, where she cracks down on crime and dramatically approaches the bench once given permission. But more importantly, we missed meeting the guys and forming our own impressions of how this season might go down.

I felt so disjointed, turning on the channel in a panic as one of the last few guys exited the limo. We apaprently missed some guy saying his name was like "anal" but with an "e".... aka, maybe we didn't miss so much after all? But still, I questioned, how am I supposed to feel about these guys?! I didn't know. I didn't know how to FEEL. How could this happen?! 

So handsome - so so sad and tragic, my heart breaks

And then, we meet Eric. We caught his tribute on the tail-end of what I had recorded for DWTS. This charming explorer would hands down be one of my favorites so far, and yet the entire time I was watching him step out of the limo and interact with Andi, I felt like I was seeing a ghost. He seemed like a really great guy, and it is just devastating to think what his family must be going through, introducing their son to the world after he has passed - watching his final days on an ABC reality show...

These days with my Erik (thank goodness for the "k" or else I really would have been freaked out) in Afghanistan, I don't do things related to death. Even if a movie or book has the potential of someone dying, I bail. I need to stay in my happiness bubble and not go to that emotional place where death could be, hence my love for DWTS where the only drama is if toes aren't pointed or lifts pop out a shoulder, only to miraculously be popped in so the fox trot can commence. 

So as I am sure you can imagine, the last hour of the show was a bit blah. Andi seems cool, and the guys are the normal cast of characters. And ABC still thinks we are idiots. 

Am I right?!?!

Chris (who we all call Shark) from Emily's season of the Bachelorette came back to win Andi's heart?! The drama by craft service (total product placement for Coffee Mate by the way - there were like 16 bottles behind the "action") where Chris was being restrained by a security guard 100 pounds overweight and channeling Ice Cube's grandfather was just pathetic. The whole thing was set up to promote Chris in the latest spin-off show, Bachelor Paradise. If there was anything to merit Chris chasing after Andi, surely they would have had some history, and in turn, Andi wouldn't have dismissed him so quickly to be "fair" to a bunch of dudes she literally met five minutes ago. She was so scripted in her "decision-making thought-process".... lame. The whole thing, lame. Chris Harrison is just glad he had a job to do this episode "mediating the issue."

Cool it Betty Crocker... okay, WINE I can do...

Let's talk about the cookie guy - Marquel, 26, is a sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, NV, except since we came in all dazed and confused, I had no idea what he did for a living, and was simply praying he was some kind of bakery owner to merit the bizarre cookie buffet. She is all smitten like, "I love cookies so much! This is great!" when really she has got to be thinking - dude, first of all, I'm not white so the half black and white cookie thing is inaccurate. Second of all, my spanx cannot fit my oxygen let alone a cookie... please put these away.

There is a pantsaprenuer named JJ.... ?! We googled this profession. Nada. Then we saw the eccentric pair he flaunted during their one-on-one time and we figure he might be gay. I will say, his profession at least trumps being a "dog lover."

Plus he has your wedding covered

There are a few guys right out the gate that have swagger - Tasos (the rocker-looking wedding planner?!) is not my type, but I can tell he has some game with the whole speaking about "juice with ice" in french thing. Nick V. is very sweet, but to bring the family baggage up the first night... not recommended. Then again, he did get the first impression rose so perhaps that was a swift move with this compassionate family-loving crime stopper.

The opera singer has got to go.... it only worked for Sharleen because she kept her mouth shut until date 7, and even then was quite humble / constipated about her talent.

Patrick and Andrew just started a bromance, and surely it won't be long before JJ makes it a trio based on his pants preference.

Chris, the fourth generation family farmer from Iowa will definitely go far - he seems sweet and authentic. Then there is Marcus who, based on the porno music ABC played in the background of their one-on-one time heats things up and goes pretty far.

Here's a quick break down of each of the men leftover in the order in which they were rosed (thanks abc.com)

1. J J, 30, a pantsapreneur from San Francisco, CA - Gay?
2. Eric, 31, an explorer from Citrus Heights, CA - So so so sad. ugh.
3. Marquel, 26, a sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, NV - Turns into the cookie monster based on scenes for upcoming episodes
4. Craig, 29, a tax accountant from Denver, CO - A little gay? Maybe I'm confusing him with Carl?
5. Tasos, 30, a wedding event coordinator from Denver, CO - Polish, multilingual and likes juice
6. Josh M., 29, a former professional baseball player from Atlanta, GA - I don't know how to feel
7. Brian, 27, a basketball coach from Camp Hill, PA - I don't know how to feel
8. Bradley, 32, an opera singer from Holland, MI - He's gotta go
9. Marcus, 25, a sports medicine manager from Dallas, TX - He will make it very far, "her type"
10. Andrew, 30, a social media marketer from Culver City, CA - I don't know how to feel
11. Ron, 28, a beverage sales manager from Memphis, TN - Confused about where he lives since he said he was from Nashville?! Not the same place, dude. Like... at all.
12. Carl, 30, a firefighter from Fort Lauderdale, FL- I don't know how to feel
13. Chris, 32, a farmer from Arlington, IA - Definitely a top contender
14. Brett, 29, a hairstylist from Westminster, PA - Maybe a little gay? Honestly, I don't know how to feel but hairstylist just made me go there - sorry
15. Dylan, 26, an accountant from Boston, MA - I don't know how to feel
16. Patrick, 29, an advertising executive from Newport Beach, CA- I don't know how to feel
17. Cody, 28, a personal trainer from Chicago, IL - This guy looks exactly like Mackelmore and I think he might be on roids based on scenes for this season
18. Nick S., 27, a professional golfer from Kissimmee, FL - Boring
*FIR: Nick V., 33, a software sales executive from Chicago, IL - Cute enough
*When I say "gay" I don't mean stupid because that is crass. I literally mean might like boys and maybe doesn't know it yet. 

THE REJECTS -

• Emil, 33, a helicopter pilot from Costa Mesa, CA - Reason #2500 not to compare the pronunciation of your name to a place shit comes out
• Jason, 35, an urgent care physician from Sturgeon Bay, WI - I don't know how to feel
• Josh B., 29, a telecommunication marketer from Denver, CO - At first I thought this guy was super cute and then he turned into the hulk during his exit - what a douche bag. Someone has got to get him a glass of water and some anger management
• Mike, 29, a bartender from Alta, UT - I don't know how to feel
• Rudie, 31, an attorney from Long Beach, CA - He was "aiming for the fences" and really wanted to knock it out of the park, and now he has a two hour drive back to reality... I think he will be okay
• Steven, 30, a snowboard product developer from Encinitas, CA - I don't know how to feel 

On this season of the Bachelorette - tears, cussing, ambulances, crying, world tour, Cookie monster, Mackelmore on roids, someone wants to burn down the house, too good to be true, ripping of the mic pack - DRAMA.

Should be interesting. I promise I will be more in touch with my feelings next week.

Me and Luda are on a Luda basis. NBD.

Do I usually watch you? I'm thinking I don't.

We have a big night coming up with the premiere of The Bachelorette tomorrow. Prior to that my inner dance freak will be pirouetting over the season finale of Dancing with the Stars.

HOWEVER, I have decided to still comment on the 2014 Award Show No One Really Cares About - known as the Billboard Music Awards. Maybe people care? Maybe I am just super country-centric and therefore figure that if it is not the CMA Awards or the Grammy's, we don't care? But for all intents and purposes, tonight we are going to care, together, in real time. So here we go. 

The whole freakin moon just shot out of JLo's finger.

Right out the gate, it seems to me like Pitbull sings the same song and does the same performance at every award show, all the time. 17 Latin girls gyrate behind him. He prances around, bouncing that beautiful bald head, on occasion singing in tune and of course throwing in some Rosetta Stone action.

We finally see some spice when Mr. Clean tosses it to my girl crush JLo who is so magical that stars and shit are flying from her hips and hands - lots of power in that booty. Another pair of boobs completes the latin trio opener. Somewhere, Juan Pablo is drooling. The one big takeaway from this performance - "we are one" multicultural booty drop away from a strip club.

It had to be done.

Okay... so who is this hosting? That rapper dude. Luda-something... oh right. Ludacris (thanks google). His enunciation is a bit intense. Why are you reprimanding me with your intro?

OH HERE'S MY GIRL SHANIA. Don't need to google how to spell her name. She is presenting Top Rock Album which is a bit... unexpected. But she looks hot. Wow... I actually know some of these songs. Good for me...Imagine Dragons takes it home. We have Jesus in a Elvis inspired wind-breaker, and three other dudes. Very eloquent speech.

Just the son of God in a spunky jacket. NBD.

I freakin LOVE One Republic. I saw them at Fontanel last summer and I seriously had the best night jumping around like a crazy person. They truly rock live. His hair is a bit flock of seagulls but hey, he is actually singing and in tune. I just have to wonder if the stars he is counting are the same ones shooting out of JLo's ass.... hmm...

Who are these Latin "Hit Me Baby One More Time" wannabes? I guess furbies on your sneakers and making chewbacca sounds is "fancy?" Who knew. Ariana Grande looks like an Oreo cookie / Nascar race flag (couldn't decide). She can actually sing which I appreciate. That half-up hairstyle she always sports is a little tired, though. Try a full on pony just for shits and giggles?

 BK -  For the love of God, buy some real pants.

You cannot escape the success FGL has had this past year - one of their 15 current singles is constantly on the radio in a loop. And here they are proudly representing Nashville and how "we" roll - except let's set the record straight - their wardrobe is NOT how we roll. Tyler's shirt ties up like a corset and Brian's ripped up T and grass-stained pants look like he just filmed a scene in a zombie apocalypse movie. A bit confused about that situation.

Shakira's hips still don't lie. And as a side note, I think she would make a stellar ventriloquist - how is all of that sound coming out of that tiny mouth that barely opens... When she goes up in pitch her mouth just closes in tighter. It's bizarre. Oh that high note at the end saw a little tonsil... I retract.

Billboard 200 Album - I hope Beyonce wins so that Kanye doesn't shoot anyone. What a versatile category. Oh wait, JT is my man. He better win.... Kanye will just have to DEAL. YAY --- JT is overseas... but he is super excited. So are the all the fancy restaurant waiters behind him.

Maybe try actually reading with those glasses...

Kendall Jenner... what just happened?! I think we just saw her have a mini-stroke, coming up for air just in time to tell America she is the worst reader ever....?! We need to get her and John Travolta in a class together to work this presenting thing out.

Luda wants you to make noise. All the time. Just in case you were wondering. And yes - I am giving myself permission to call him Luda (even though at the start of this post I googled how to spell his name).

Disney Princess meets Black Swan

Carrie freakin Underwood. Just stop it. You're so flawless. Your face is a little too spray-tanned but I'm going to give you a pass since everything else is perfect, always. And for contrast - Lorde wins, and she is wearing a gorilla... so really, YOU win. She is quite eloquent in her speech though. This has got to be a Gaga thing.. dress insane and let the talent speak for itself or something? Bizarre.

Wha?!

And in that same camp we have Katy Perry wearing a hot pink raincoat and slime green pigtails. Oh, and a circus threw up on her stockings... correction...body suit. It's like the human manifestation of an acid trip. Hate to pop your balloon KP but you just abandoned that little birthday girl you dragged on stage to sit by herself surrounded by a crew of doodle bops. She now wishes she was not born.

Imagine Dragons - I enjoy them. One dude has a mustache. The lead singer has a shirt decorated with black string tape. We will overlook this because the drumming up front is kind of mesmerizing.

Let's take a moment to discuss all cut-in audience shots. They are always SUPER awkward - the person never quite knows the words and / or is Taylor Swift doing the robot (who I haven't seen yet by the way... where is she?!) In this case - the words "Nobody else can take me higher" caught on real quick so the audience knows what to do with their mouth. Success.

Luke Bryan just won for the Flint River song. Phillip and him go to Flint River all the time y'all. That is how they roll. Then they proceed to have a very deep conversation in the award exit all about catfish dinners, I assume.

Keisha looks lovely and then opens her mouth and all of that elegance just flies far far away to that magical place where her brain lives. Brad rocks it. Luda makes sure every word cuts like a knife. And now we're about to see Michael Jackson?!

Nothing is shooting out of his fingers.... because he ISN'T REAL.

Holy shit this is FREAKY. Do you think the audience has 3D glasses for this?! I dont know how I feel..... I think I am going to land on feeling very weird inside about this. Pretty amazing technology but... yeah I'm still feeling weird. Maybe it's not the hologram at all, but rather the Egyptian alien storm troopers dancing around him?! Undecided.

Ricky Martin, I personally am glad you are still livin la vida loca. But are we sure this isn't the Latin Music Awards?! No need to tune into that show now - Billboard has it covered. He too is celebrating people of every nation. A very lyrically empowering theme I am noticing here among the Latin community. But hey - that's great. Better than whatever Luda probably "sings" about.

Luke wants us to play it again. Pretty standard. Back to this sponsored advertisement for Chevrolet and the milestone award with the Beyonce and Ellie Kemper wannabes (ooo low blow Kelly Rowland...my bad, my bad).

Channeling the tennis Gods?

Robin Thicke wins for best R&B song. Hope that award keeps him warm at night since those blurred lines got real kinds of clear when his beautiful wife left his dirty cheating ass. Oh wait - he just thanked his wife.... that was weird. I'm going to have to google the status of that later.

Now THIS is how we roll....

Lorde is another one of MJ's martians. Oh wait, it's just the shadow of a hat. This song is called Tennis Court.... not sure I'm getting the metaphor here. Too distracted by the possessed ticking to pay attention to the meaning...

Brad is back again announcing Carrie and Miranda and I am SUPER EXCITED about this performance of "Something Bad" - They look freakin hot and their bouncing is impressively synchronized with the exception of Carries rogue right knee dig. I have to say - I am not that into this song though.... a bit Aerosmith-esque which isn't bad, just not what I expected. But they're so hot who cares. Blake and the hockey dude are totally getting some later.

Disney would be so proud....

Streaming artist goes to Miley who has hot pink face stripes and a large mouth licking her boobs. I want to give her a hug and send her to rehab, but ya know - not my place. 

John Legend is just pure class, as is his gorgeous wife. He has such a velvet voice and we ladies are all secretly wishing we were Chrissy Teigen. Likely, so are our men because she is freakin hot.

Best country song goes to FGL - amazing and not surprising! Definitely support the wardrobe change to the classic black T and vest.

Let's fly to Manchester where Miley Cyrus is carrying the entire nation's inventory of tinsel for this Christmas on her shoulders. Her silver counterpart is licking the stage floor now.... things are getting weird and I have to fast forward. I don't do drugs for a reason.

Milestone award goes to Carrie Underwood - YAY. I am so excited for her!!!! I am not sure entirely what this award means, but hey - no more Chevrolet ads so that is a win all in itself.

Robin Thicke is singing about getting his woman back. Things are coming together now even without google. No lady back-up dancers - quite the stripped down performance where girls aren't stripping down... I'd say an improvement since the Miley foam-finger incident. Minus that moment on his knees where an audience member was forced to stare at his crotch. 

Artist of the Year goes to JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. Love him. Oooooooh wow, he just made a Donald Sterling comment... there might be some strings attached to that one JT...

Exits are in the left and rear of the cabin.

Icon award goes to my girl JENNY FROM THE BLOCK. Wow - the first sight of Taylor happens here in the JLo behind the music section?! TSwift must be on tour or something...?! I might have to google that too.

Back to Jennifer - she is just all kinds of awesome. She could also be a kick ass flight attendant with those strong directional hand motions. Great performance and I think she is actually singing which is always impressive with that kind of hair-flipping and bodily movement happening on stage. With a little Ain't No Mountain High Enough mash-up.... yes....I'm in a good place. So proud to be a Jenny. Might need to google translate that one part in her speech but the rest was spot on (google should really pay me for all of these plugs... I mean right?!)

Luda. Out.

Jenny. Out. See ya tomorrow for THE BACHELORETTE!

Not in a New York state of mind

You, fair city, scare the shit out of me.

I was born in Newburgh, New York. For the first four years of my life, I was totally a New Yorker. I can see it now - toddler Jenny was as street as Sesame and as bad ass as orphan Annie, ready to conquer the world.

Then the softening began. First it was a subtle move to the small New England town of Newtown, CT. It was certainly a slower and sweeter way of life, but our proximity to the city meant frequent trips in and out of Manhattan, so much so that I was convinced I was going to attend NYU and become the next Broadway star. But at 15, in addition to the reality check that the Great White Way would not welcome my voice with the same standing ovation as my shower head, we moved to Cary, NC. That sweet, New England town was nothing compared to the sweet tea and warm sensibility of my new Southern home.

I have now officially been in the South for a decade, having moved to Nashville after college in NC. And I LOVE it. My blood has thinned, I have seamlessly integrated "y'all" into my vocabulary, and I can't say enough good things about the people, beauty and demeanor of the place I call home. It is a perfect fit for my personality. Don't get me wrong, I proudly claim my Northeast roots and I still have a special spot in my heart for the Big Apple. But now it is more like that long lost first love who in hindsight you see was all wrong for you, even though in the moment it seemed so right.

Proving some people DO smile in NYC.

This past week I traveled back to New York City for the first time in my adult life for both work and play. I celebrated Mother's day with my mom and sister under perfect skies, exploring the American Museum of Natural History and enjoying the breath-taking views of Central Park. We stayed at the swanky Empire Hotel overlooking Columbus Circle, and had some very delicious meals at Uva, The Smith and Porter House. I then kissed them goodbye and journeyed downtown to the financial district for the Mirren New Business Conference where I am learning a lot of great expertise in my craft and meeting some really cool people from around the country. And yet - I have never been more ready to come home (on Thursday to be exact). I simply didn't realize just how Southern I had become until coming back and experiencing the contrast.

What exactly do I mean?! Well, let's dig into just a few examples in a little list I'd like to call:  
Dear New York City - Why you do me like that?! 

1. This town is made for tiny little people with a shit ton of money - I swear, everything in this city is bite-sized, even when you are spending a good deal of cash on a hotel room or a meal. Tables in restaurants are squeezed within inches of each other, elevators are like phone booths and at one point, while simply trying to pee, I ended up kicking the hand-dryer on with my ass while I turned for toilet paper. In the hotel room, the standing shower didn't have a door and I dropped my toothpaste in the toilet, twice. I basically feel like My Giant trapped in an expensive glass case of frenetic emotion.

2. Mega phones are required for conversation - Piggy-backing on the small space issue, cram lots of people into these teeny spaces and you end up having to literally scream just to talk to the person across from you. It is exhausting, overwhelming, and strips the relaxation factor out of a nice dinner. You might escape to the tiny bathroom to hear yourself think, but then you end up kicking shit on with your ass again. There is simply no reprieve.

They say one positive outweighs 12 negatives. I give you four.

3. Ear plugs are essential to sleep - The honking just never stops and they are not "toot toots" - they are blown with the fury of a beast. The first night it was a cacophony of aggressive horn-blowing ALL NIGHT LONG. I know what you're thinking - duh, Jenny. It is a city and you're in a popular area on a Saturday night - what did you expect? BUT OH MY WORD. Take a car. Sit it outside your bedroom window. Then pay someone (which would be equivalent to paying a ton of money for a hotel room [thanks mom!]) to sit in your car and LAY ON THE HORN in five-Mississippi-second intervals. Feel free to mix up the duration of the beep. Some short, some long... quite the lullaby.

4. The New York State of Mind is... how shall I put this lightly.... NOT warm and fuzzy - Please forgive the sweeping generalization - I know there are a lot of warm and charming people here, but I have sadly not run into them. Instead, I just keep getting run into by a lot by people who don't look up and don't smile. I am literally like frogger just trying to avoid being blasted into by a complete stranger. And if you small talk or make little jokes to connect, people here just stare at you blankly likely you forgot to put on pants. Yet, no one is bashful or afraid of a fight. The lady at Starbucks was simultaneously taking my order as she was telling off her colleague and at the baggage claim upon my arrival, one lady was prepping to jump a old woman who was blocking her view. I swear getting my bag was like trying to get a lifeboat on the Titanic. 

5. Smells are everywhere. Some good. Some very very bad... all the smells. Turn one corner and you might whiff the delicious scents wafting from a food truck. Or you might smell a burning bag of dog poop. If you are not someone prepared for all smells at all times, this is not the city for you.

There are so many wonders to good old New York and I am sure once adjusting to the ways of the streets they would transform into a yellow brick road of awesome. But for me, I am proudly a Southern girl who wouldn't trade Music City for the Big Apple any day (unless I was cast in a Broadway musical... I mean, let's get real).

So, it seems I have reaffirmed once again, there truly is no place like home (or Disney World... just felt like that needed to be clarified).

Resist the snooze!

Must channel this baby

I snoozed for two hours this morning. I literally do not know why I EVER think this is going to make me a more restful, happy and productive individual. But in my dreamy state I become like a sleep addict, foraging for every excuse known to man to sleep just a little bit longer. This is what goes on in my head:

ALARM 5:45am: Oh... no no no. Not yet?! Really?! REALLLLYYYY?! WHY?!?! Oh wait... I buffered in the standard 15 minute snooze. Good thinking. So, let's begin. Just a little tiger snooze to lull me back to life. SNOOZE.

ALARM 6:00am: Excuse YOU alarm. I said SNOOZE.

ALARM 6:15am: If I snooze just one more time I can still fit in my workout. SNOOZE.

ALARM 6:30am: I don't need the full workout,  just some yoga stretching will be good. SNOOZE.

ALARM 6:45am: GET UP. If you don't get up you won't be able to even yoga stretch.... but then again, I'm feeling pretty limber... so, I wouldn't want to over-extend myself. SNOOZE.

ALARM 7:00am: If I get up now I have plenty of time to shower and look like a decent human at work.... but now I'm going to have to workout after work, so I will just shower then. Plus, I looked pretty decent the past two days so I'm due for a hot mess day. SNOOZE.

ALARM 7:15am: Well, now I don't have to workout or shower, so it's much too early to get up. What would I do with myself? SNOOZE.

ALARM 7:30am: Repeat the thoughts of 7:15am.

ALARM 7:45am: FINE. I'M UP. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?! Gosh.

Once lucid, I proceed to resent all of the justifications I made at 15 minute intervals creating the foggy, sleepy, bad-hair-day situation that is my current Wednesday. No, not even two cups of coffee can butt pinch this hot mess back to life. I'm just BLAH.

Moral of the story - SNOOZING IS NEVER THE ANSWER (until tomorrow morning at 5:45am). Say no to the snooze. Be like the baby - be excited you are waking up to a new day full of possibilities. Workout, stretch and hey - why not throw in a shower! It will probably make your day WAY more awesome. Take it from me - I'm sleepy and I probably smell. Good times.