So it's gonna be forever, Or it's gonna go down in flames

yeah, yeah - we'll get to you in a minute

Of course, we must talk about farmer Chris and all the nightmares dressed like daydreams in last night's premiere of The Bachelor - and we will! But first I wanted to fill you all in on where I've been the last few months, and an awesome opportunity I've had to share my more personal writing through 12th & Broad.

After writing restaurant and real estate themed posts for the site for over 6 months, I have since transitioned to writing an Adventures of Adulthood series that posts every Friday on the site 12thandbroad.com. In turn, I have neglected to update my sweet Lost and Found blog, surely to the disappointment of the masses - I am so sorry to have let you (five people) down! That said, I thought I would abbreviate the "life update" by instead linking off to my first six posts in the series. I would LOVE your readership and feedback and you can learn all about the craziness that has been going on in mine and Erik's attempt to be normal.

Intro post - Changes, Contrast and Cupcakes
Holiday Tug of War
Defying the Hamster Wheel
The True Meaning of a Grown Up Christmas
The Five Resolutions Every Grown Up Should Have
Now What?
Next Friday we are reviewing some 2015 At-Home workout DVD's for those looking to bust a move and burn some calories without having to get a gym membership. Spoiler alert - Brazil Butt Lift is not for everyone.
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Chris: Channel the manly stare while propped on a loaner motocycle

Okay enough plugging... onto the important things...

In this 19th season of The Bachelor empire, we are reunited with Chris Soules - a 4th generation farmer living in a Jason Aldean song in small town Iowa who was tossed by diva-frown-face (Andi Dorfman) in last season's installment of The Bachelorette.

Of course, the show opens with the usual eye-candy set-up re-introducing Chris and showcasing his "normal life" activities. Like feeding the world one seed at time, prancing around fields of gold, sudsing up in an outdoor shower and thinking pensively outside a barn. Oh and naturally, making love metaphors at every turn. "Love is a lot like cow manure ...."

But unique to this season, we also got the "pleasure" of watching previous Bachelor contestants egos inflate to unhealthy levels at a red carpet hot mess (that included ugly capes, silver glitter space suits, tons of selfies and an uncomfortably long interview with Nikki). The red carpet section of this show deserves it's own blog post.
In the interest of time -
---Sean's been in Chris's pants and knows what it's like to be faced with the anxiety of being The Bachelor. #firstworldproblems
---Nikki has a gag order from JP and she is quite possibly Tammy Wynette's biggest fan
---There are no qualifications of mental stability to attend (I never thought I would see crazy Michelle again - and there she is in black culottes suspiciously keeping her cool)
---Bachelor "fans" make me embarrassed to be a Bachelor fan
---It seems Chris and his chosen one will not face the "media scrutiny" and "constant paparazzi attention" since they will live in Iowa where apparently no one will be able to find them.  Since when did Iowa become the Bermuda triangle?

Back to the REAL SHOW  – we meet the line-up of women. While we are not going to talk about the entire list of Miss America Pageant contestants, each equipped with special talents and drinking disorders, there are a few things I would like to mention:
---All women in their early 20's (with or without having gained "maturity" through childbirth) should go home. I know ABC is casting these ladies to amp up the drama due to the lack of development in their young (possibly alcoholic) brains, but Chris is over 30 and it's a bit unsettling to watch.

I like hugs. Tonsil hugs.

---While Britt is a 24-year-old waitress (dream big) (who, by the way, looks a ton like Nick Lachey's wife... what is her name.... anyways you get the point) she seems like she will end up likeable and they do seem to have an instant connection. She can stay. Chris agrees as indicated by the first impression rose and proceeding make out session.
---An elegant dress should not show your butt crack.
---Whitney - the fertility specialist from Chicago is cute with the exception of the fact when she speaks she sounds like air moving through a small butt crack. Lot's of butt cracks this season. What can I say.

My eyes will find you. Even in IOWA.

---Amanda got an intro because she lives with her mom and doesn't have a domestic bone in her body. Also because ABC finds it hilarious that her eyes are trying to escape her body. 
---Kelsey - the widower with the hot bod and cute cropped hairdo is sweet enough - I bet she goes far. I don't think she will win, which already breaks my heart since she has been through such a loss and believes a reality show will fix her broken heart. What happened to good old therapy?
---Jillian the news anchor by day, body builder by night probably has more testosterone than Chris.
---Mackenzie is 21 and has a son named Kale. I think she makes lots of special brownies with a plant that is definitely not Kale.
---Alissa is a flight attendant and her entire intro package is one sickening metaphor. Buckle up. You will be on a flight back home in no time.
---Megan from Nashville actually seems really normal. Way to represent.
---Tara had a cute enough intro showing up in "comfortable" (creeping up her ass) clothes to show her true colors (her actual ass). And then it all goes down hill. From a wardrobe change exposing a god-awful tattoo to an all-night love affair with booze, she gets wasted, and still get selected over some other girls who kept their cool. And so it goes...
---Jordan and Tara met in AA.  
---Trina has the name of a (yellow) power ranger without any of the substance
---Becca looks a lot like Carrie Underwood - am I right?!
---Ashley S. does not have the ability to blink. Ever. Which must be rough with all of that onion-loving she does in her spare time. Note: stealing metaphors from Shrek does not make you deep.
---Life jackets can be either orange OR red. 

Limo arrivals included all the lame producer-pushed gimmicks in the book, and clearly first impressions didn't stop Chris from wanting to learn more.... yep even from those so forward as to  invite Chris to plow the bleep out of her field, any day. I don't know about you, but that sounds like the impression of a life long soul mate.

Every year they try to mix it up by throwing a major shock, awe and surprise into the evening's usual routine. This time, they split the girls up into two groups. Chris met and spent time with the first 15 girl and later (after circling the mansion guzzling wine for what could have been hours) he meets the second half. The inside of the mansion becomes West Side Story.

After the usual cocktail shenanigans and the make-out session with Britt as detailed above, Chris finally has the rose ceremony. It is what I can only imagine to be 5am. The women are exhausted, drunk, and falling over. No wait, that's just Tara. He goes through his choices, stopping dramatically midway to consult with Chris about the moral implications of picking a wasted girl. They decide that's what Jesus would do.

Those that did not receive a rose: 
Amanda - aka crazy eyes
Bo - he is not all about that bass, I suppose
Brittany
Kara
Michelle
Nicole
Reegan
If you don't remember who these people are, it's okay. At this stage, no one is crying but them.

And then of course there is Kimberly who did not get a rose, but turned back around into the house to confront Chris about it. DUM DUM DUM. Dear Chris Harrison. Those that watch this show do so because there is an unexplainable inability not to and it is an excellent excuse to drink heavily on a Monday. We do not need a cliff hanger to return next week - but we appreciate the effort.