Another Christmas has come and gone. I cannot believe how quickly it flies by. In that moment, when you first wake up on Christmas day, it is like a breath of fresh air that you have been waiting for all year. But when it ends, and you put your head on your pillow at the end of a long family-filled day - one beginning with presents and possibility wrapped perfectly underneath the Christmas tree and ending with a tummy full of pumpkin pie - unlike the feeling in your stomach, there is a sort of emptiness that follows in your heart. I imagine it is similar to how a bride feels once the wedding is over, or how a college graduate feels the moment after throwing those stylistically challenged hats up in the air. Once anticipation is replaced with reality, sometimes the aftermath, as wonderful as the result might have been, is a lonely place.
My result was wonderful. Christmas was great and everything I hoped it would be. I could not have asked for a better day with my family and friends, and delicious food and wine and cheese :). But I find it a little sad how just 24 hours later, listening to Christmas music feels wrong, the lights on the tree are dimmed and the little girl inside of me who still believes in Santa must take a back seat to "adult Jenny" who has to start thinking about reality again.
I understand the routine by now. But this year it hits a bit harder than I would like to admit. Never before has the idea of next year held so many unknowns - Where will I be living? Who will I be living with? Where will I be working? Will I be happy? I try to embrace the unknown, and look forward to it of course, but I would be lying if I said it didn't scare me.
Sometimes I wish I could be more like Ike. He just lives his life one day at a time, not letting the future scare him too much, not letting emotions about the future cloud the right now. It is so simple for him. Or so it seems. For all I know he is just as scared as I am in that sweet head of his, but he battles that himself. Whereas I, permanent open book, feel the need to spill my guts about everything I feel in the exact moment I feel it. Pros and cons to both, I think. But thank goodness for him, because he seems pretty confident everything is going to work out for me, and that makes me feel calmer. Either that or he just reminds me how crazy I am, and in an attempt to appear more sane, I forget all about my million worries.
The day after Christmas I had the most amazing night with my best girl friends out on the town in downtown Raleigh to celebrate my 21st birthday. My mom got all the girls a limo and it was one of the most fun nights of my life. To celebrate with the most important women in my world and just dance and laugh under the roof of our limo, a blanket of stars downtown and well... under the influence :) will be a memory I will have forever.
So as I said, with the end of the year, comes great reflection for someone like me, who never really stops thinking.... about everything.... all the time. The number one thing on my list this year is trying to understand why my romantic karma has not quite been in line these past few years. I know you can't have it all, and everything else from school, to travel and friendship has worked out quite well with the exception of the usual hiccups here and there. But when it comes to relationships or even dare I say the L word, my timing is off or there is just always a catch. Be it age, availability, oversight or fear, there seems to always be something in the way. I hope 2010, this new decade and this new era in my life shifts that a bit. That little girl inside of me who still believes in Santa is the same little girl who believes in Cinderella and happy endings, and I am desperately hoping she is right. And sooner rather than later.
So yes, as I end 2009 - a roller coaster year I am so grateful for - I have hopes and fears and all the normal jumble of emotions someone like me (highly analytical and emotional, almost to a fault) would have. But don't get me wrong, it does excite me. The past four years have been so incredible. Crazy and challenging and I have grown so much. I can see that now more than ever. So I cannot imagine what is in store next. This time period as we enter the new year is like the launching pad for the beginning of this brand new shift. And I say bring it on.
Because in the end, there will always be those times when expectation and anticipation absolutely overshadow the moment altogether, leaving you feeling alone or let down, or maybe just sad, like the day after Christmas. But then there are those nights that take you by surprise and you do things and meet people you never expected. I guess that is the beauty of it all. In the words of Forrest Gump, you never know what you are going to get. And that part - the possibility that everything can change in a moment and shift your world in the best possible way - keeps me going. And is exactly why I am such a big proponent of boxes of chocolate. Wouldn't you agree?
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
The most important meal of the day.
I just began the sentence of this entry 15 times. I am not sure exactly what I want to say tonight as I sit in my bed just shy of 24 hours from the last time I wrote. I think sometimes the most interesting part of writing is figuring out where to start.
For tonight, seeing as I simply do not have the energy to begin with anything profound, why don't we start with the obvious - breakfast.
This morning I woke up in my beautiful chocolate brown room enveloped by my brand new comforter and slightly stiff sheet set (definitely should have washed them before putting them on the bed) eager to get dressed and FINALLY see my best friend in the whole wide world. M and I have been best friends for years now and I am not sure how I got by before her. Who was there to help me pack strategically? Who was there to make me feel funny and thoughtful even in those moments that I know I was neither? My sister of course, but that goes without saying. M is the first person to believe in me whole heartedly with absolutely no familial obligation to. And so yes, my love life tends to be stagnant and I may not have everything figured out, but like the skim milk and splenda in my morning coffee (don't judge, it's healthiest that way), we are a perfect pair, which makes everything else feel all right. In fact, I think I intentionally blacked out most of my social adolescence until she came along and reminded me what it means to have a true friend - to have someone care about you the exact same way you care about them, and unconditionally no less.
Anyways, I digress in a kind of hallmark-like and cheesy way, so let's get back to breakfast.
M was in Dubai visiting her parents for two weeks - actually quite a short trip in comparison to my three month sabbatical in Europe last year, but it felt like a very long time. I think it is always harder to be the one left behind. Your "normal" life just is not quite normal without that person. Meanwhile they are off experiencing everything but normal - a true adventure. Over pancakes at IHop, my "normal" felt restored. We shared stories and gushed over crushes and little things we had to store in our minds like chipmunks storing nuts until we could finally spill to each other when only a diner table separated us, instead of an ocean. There is such an ease I feel being in her company. Like nothing in the world could hurt me so long as she is my friend. I think that is the most unique and rare thing to find in a person unrelated to you. I cherish it even more than than I could the largest chocolate chip pancake in the world and equal to the amount that I love grilled cheese sandwiches in Disney World on Christmas eve. This, in case you are not aware, is huge.
After breakfast my Poppy, Don and I went to the Nissan car dealership to pick out my new car. It is so surreal and sometimes I hate myself for not remembering just how lucky I am to be getting a new car, among so many other things I have in my life. I was so wrapped up in which color to choose and which interior would look best, that in the end I just wanted to slap myself, and once my slapped former self came to, remind her that she is absolutely blessed to have a grandfather that is going to buy her a car in the first place. Even if it were the color of cow poop, that would still be the most incredible gift. And I don't say this to be sappy or sentimental. I say it because it is true. And by writing it down, it helps me put everything in perspective.
I decided on a dark cranberry color because I love the blonde leather, and my exterior color options were limited by that preference. But as I said, driving a brand new 2010 car off the lot is going to be awesome. Now that all of the research and slight anxiety over the whole debacle has paid off (by my grandfather no less, but you know what I mean), I can rest easy, wake up, have breakfast of course, and then drive off into the morning sun in the utmost classy and sheek ride.
I also got to reunite with my sister today who came home from Greensboro, which means Christmas can officially begin. The truth is, since being home, I have lost a little of that Christmasy feeling. Not to say that finals, and studying (while some aspects of that did have it perks ;) was a joy, but I think the closer it gets the more I wish everything would just slow down so I have time to stop and remember to really feel it all - my last Christmas as a kid.
And yet, I walk into the house and it smells like fresh pine. The warm lighting from the Christmas tree paired with the endless marathons of Christmas movies and shows on television should certainly ignite that nostalgic and warm feeling inside. But that flame that used to burst alive this time of year when I was a kid (almost so much so that the fire department would have to be on high alert) has quieted to a small flicker, and I am not sure why. Maybe not enough Christmas music or claymations. Maybe, given the fact I almost lit my hair on fire by my own birthday cake just weeks ago, it is for the best. Maybe the implications of entering the new year make me more nervous than I would like to let on. And maybe tomorrow I will wake up and feel completely differently. Isn't that the beauty of being human - one good nights sleep can change everything you feel.
And this nights sleep is sure to be nothing short of heavenly since my head will be nestled by a brand new tempurpedic pillow to replace the one I have had for 10 years and was probably growing mold. Mama, my head and overall health thank you. I know what you are thinking. New car. New pillow. Next this girl is going to tell us she just won the North Carolina lottery or something. No - that would be my sister. Well kind of. Her advertising firm just landed the NC Lottery as their client and I am so excited and proud of her. Her hallmark-like cheesy monologue will simply have to wait for another entry as my eyes are beginning to fight my typing fingers.
Ironically, after just two days of beginning my blog again, the family closed out the night by watching "Julie and Julia" - a story of a modern woman cooking her way through Julia Child's cook book and blogging about it (on blogspot no less) about her adventures. It was such a great movie and inspired me to try to make this blog great (and I have spent the majority of this entry rambling... great start, I know). While my blog has slightly less of a purpose and a timeline, I hope someone reads it, even if that someone is just my mom who I might as well tell this all to over a glass of wine (which I have acquired quite the taste for since turning 21 I must say - and no, this will not turn into the diary of a young alcoholic. Do not worry). But who knows. I guess the moral in the movie is that the possibilities are endless, so long as you set your mind to a goal. And yet another moral was that every great mind needs brain food. So make sure you start your day with breakfast. And if you can pair your pancake with a best friend, you will be even more prepared for greatness.
For tonight, seeing as I simply do not have the energy to begin with anything profound, why don't we start with the obvious - breakfast.
This morning I woke up in my beautiful chocolate brown room enveloped by my brand new comforter and slightly stiff sheet set (definitely should have washed them before putting them on the bed) eager to get dressed and FINALLY see my best friend in the whole wide world. M and I have been best friends for years now and I am not sure how I got by before her. Who was there to help me pack strategically? Who was there to make me feel funny and thoughtful even in those moments that I know I was neither? My sister of course, but that goes without saying. M is the first person to believe in me whole heartedly with absolutely no familial obligation to. And so yes, my love life tends to be stagnant and I may not have everything figured out, but like the skim milk and splenda in my morning coffee (don't judge, it's healthiest that way), we are a perfect pair, which makes everything else feel all right. In fact, I think I intentionally blacked out most of my social adolescence until she came along and reminded me what it means to have a true friend - to have someone care about you the exact same way you care about them, and unconditionally no less.
Anyways, I digress in a kind of hallmark-like and cheesy way, so let's get back to breakfast.
M was in Dubai visiting her parents for two weeks - actually quite a short trip in comparison to my three month sabbatical in Europe last year, but it felt like a very long time. I think it is always harder to be the one left behind. Your "normal" life just is not quite normal without that person. Meanwhile they are off experiencing everything but normal - a true adventure. Over pancakes at IHop, my "normal" felt restored. We shared stories and gushed over crushes and little things we had to store in our minds like chipmunks storing nuts until we could finally spill to each other when only a diner table separated us, instead of an ocean. There is such an ease I feel being in her company. Like nothing in the world could hurt me so long as she is my friend. I think that is the most unique and rare thing to find in a person unrelated to you. I cherish it even more than than I could the largest chocolate chip pancake in the world and equal to the amount that I love grilled cheese sandwiches in Disney World on Christmas eve. This, in case you are not aware, is huge.
After breakfast my Poppy, Don and I went to the Nissan car dealership to pick out my new car. It is so surreal and sometimes I hate myself for not remembering just how lucky I am to be getting a new car, among so many other things I have in my life. I was so wrapped up in which color to choose and which interior would look best, that in the end I just wanted to slap myself, and once my slapped former self came to, remind her that she is absolutely blessed to have a grandfather that is going to buy her a car in the first place. Even if it were the color of cow poop, that would still be the most incredible gift. And I don't say this to be sappy or sentimental. I say it because it is true. And by writing it down, it helps me put everything in perspective.
I decided on a dark cranberry color because I love the blonde leather, and my exterior color options were limited by that preference. But as I said, driving a brand new 2010 car off the lot is going to be awesome. Now that all of the research and slight anxiety over the whole debacle has paid off (by my grandfather no less, but you know what I mean), I can rest easy, wake up, have breakfast of course, and then drive off into the morning sun in the utmost classy and sheek ride.
I also got to reunite with my sister today who came home from Greensboro, which means Christmas can officially begin. The truth is, since being home, I have lost a little of that Christmasy feeling. Not to say that finals, and studying (while some aspects of that did have it perks ;) was a joy, but I think the closer it gets the more I wish everything would just slow down so I have time to stop and remember to really feel it all - my last Christmas as a kid.
And yet, I walk into the house and it smells like fresh pine. The warm lighting from the Christmas tree paired with the endless marathons of Christmas movies and shows on television should certainly ignite that nostalgic and warm feeling inside. But that flame that used to burst alive this time of year when I was a kid (almost so much so that the fire department would have to be on high alert) has quieted to a small flicker, and I am not sure why. Maybe not enough Christmas music or claymations. Maybe, given the fact I almost lit my hair on fire by my own birthday cake just weeks ago, it is for the best. Maybe the implications of entering the new year make me more nervous than I would like to let on. And maybe tomorrow I will wake up and feel completely differently. Isn't that the beauty of being human - one good nights sleep can change everything you feel.
And this nights sleep is sure to be nothing short of heavenly since my head will be nestled by a brand new tempurpedic pillow to replace the one I have had for 10 years and was probably growing mold. Mama, my head and overall health thank you. I know what you are thinking. New car. New pillow. Next this girl is going to tell us she just won the North Carolina lottery or something. No - that would be my sister. Well kind of. Her advertising firm just landed the NC Lottery as their client and I am so excited and proud of her. Her hallmark-like cheesy monologue will simply have to wait for another entry as my eyes are beginning to fight my typing fingers.
Ironically, after just two days of beginning my blog again, the family closed out the night by watching "Julie and Julia" - a story of a modern woman cooking her way through Julia Child's cook book and blogging about it (on blogspot no less) about her adventures. It was such a great movie and inspired me to try to make this blog great (and I have spent the majority of this entry rambling... great start, I know). While my blog has slightly less of a purpose and a timeline, I hope someone reads it, even if that someone is just my mom who I might as well tell this all to over a glass of wine (which I have acquired quite the taste for since turning 21 I must say - and no, this will not turn into the diary of a young alcoholic. Do not worry). But who knows. I guess the moral in the movie is that the possibilities are endless, so long as you set your mind to a goal. And yet another moral was that every great mind needs brain food. So make sure you start your day with breakfast. And if you can pair your pancake with a best friend, you will be even more prepared for greatness.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Love actually is everywhere.
I am sitting in my newly decorated room and the rims of my eyes are slightly burning from the long day I have had. It was one of those days that was perfectly balanced. I was able to work out in the morning, clean, wrap presents, get my teeth cleaned and fit in a chapter or two of Breaking Dawn in between the flossing and errand running. I impulsively showered for a second time and felt much better having done so, and before I knew it, it was dinner time with mom, Don, and poppy, who arrived yesterday. And of course we went to Spirits and had the most incredible mac and cheese on the planet - which naturally is the perfect end to any meaningful day.
While I can still taste the delicious blend of warm cheeses as I write, I think the best part of the day was watching Love Actually with the family. It has always been one of my favorite movies, but it had been a long time since I had really watched it intently. So often we get wrapped up in multi-tasking that it becomes hard to just sit and watch a movie. So funny that as humans we spend our days complaining and yearning for relaxation and when we finally get it, we don't quite know what to do with ourselves. But tonight was a rare occasion (most likely encouraged by the mac and cheese coma) in which I was engaged in just one thing and utterly content.
The message of that movie makes me so happy inside. I absolutely love it. And I love that it takes place in London. Seeing the double decker red buses, the millennium bridge and Embankment in the scene setting shots reminded me of how much I loved it there. My time in London, now being over a whole year ago, seems like a dream - a part of my life that is so compartmentalized from anything else I have ever done, sequestered away in the back of my mind until it is stirred awake by the charming sound of Hugh Grant's accent, or a pan of Trafalgar Square in a film. I think the best things in life should feel like a dream, which is perhaps why they consider the best things in life a dream come true.
Now it is time to let myself slip into a dream of my own. I usually try to write something more profound or engaging, but I think this blog is going to be more of a free write than Little London Lady, because well - let's face it. My daily life here is not nearly as exciting as far as events and experiences. But this is what I need. To just say whatever pops into my head, and have that be okay. After all, with Lynnie coming home tomorrow, Christmas, my 21st birthday celebration in downtown Raleigh, New Years Eve and my internship in Nashville all on the horizon, I've got a feeling I will need my rest.
While I can still taste the delicious blend of warm cheeses as I write, I think the best part of the day was watching Love Actually with the family. It has always been one of my favorite movies, but it had been a long time since I had really watched it intently. So often we get wrapped up in multi-tasking that it becomes hard to just sit and watch a movie. So funny that as humans we spend our days complaining and yearning for relaxation and when we finally get it, we don't quite know what to do with ourselves. But tonight was a rare occasion (most likely encouraged by the mac and cheese coma) in which I was engaged in just one thing and utterly content.
The message of that movie makes me so happy inside. I absolutely love it. And I love that it takes place in London. Seeing the double decker red buses, the millennium bridge and Embankment in the scene setting shots reminded me of how much I loved it there. My time in London, now being over a whole year ago, seems like a dream - a part of my life that is so compartmentalized from anything else I have ever done, sequestered away in the back of my mind until it is stirred awake by the charming sound of Hugh Grant's accent, or a pan of Trafalgar Square in a film. I think the best things in life should feel like a dream, which is perhaps why they consider the best things in life a dream come true.
Now it is time to let myself slip into a dream of my own. I usually try to write something more profound or engaging, but I think this blog is going to be more of a free write than Little London Lady, because well - let's face it. My daily life here is not nearly as exciting as far as events and experiences. But this is what I need. To just say whatever pops into my head, and have that be okay. After all, with Lynnie coming home tomorrow, Christmas, my 21st birthday celebration in downtown Raleigh, New Years Eve and my internship in Nashville all on the horizon, I've got a feeling I will need my rest.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
One year later.
Three days ago I was cleaning out my room and I came across my very first diary. The fabric sunflower binding had sporadic entries from 1996 to 2002 - my most pivotal years of adolescence. I read every scribble and irrational complaint with absolute intrigue. It was incredible to be able to have a conversation with my previous self by reading the pages. It helped me to see how much I have grown and still how much of the child in me remains. The little girl in the pages of that diary is my heart beat.
Tonight, I find myself laying in bed watching "Eve's Christmas" on Lifetime (one of my favorite cheesy Christmas movies) just over one year after my last post as The Little London Lady (the blog I kept while studying abroad in London Fall of 2008) wishing there were more pages in that diary to read.
So much has happened this past year - amazing, memorable, challenging, and defining. Many times throughout this year I have wanted to blog certain thoughts, stories, anecdotes and experiences, but the "trouble" of it all overwhelmed me. I usually run from the things I am most passionate about out of fear of failing - be it songwriting, or dancing professionally, or acting. I avoid creative outlets of expression for some reason. Maybe I am afraid of what I will find out. It is so strange - I opt to youtube or watch TV instead of reading a book I know I am going to fall in love with, because that emotional commitment to the plot or in this case, the commitment to emotionally unleash and expose myself is too much. Maybe I am just completely lazy. I am not sure. But what I do know is that this blog is my attempt to be fearless and to allow myself to let it out, whatever "it" is and share it with you - to document the girl I am now so that the girl I will be in the future has a reference to understand exactly where she came from.
I am feeling completely excited about the future and wanting to share it. I have always classified myself as someone who is extremely thoughtful - and not in the hallmark way, but rather meaning that I have a lot of thoughts, some entertaining, some interesting, some not so much. But regardless I want to remember those thoughts and the events that are going to shape my final semester as a student at Elon.
My final chapter of childhood.
The way in which I will always remember London is the way in which I want to remember my everyday life. Because whether backpacking through Europe or tripping over myself in aisle 3 of the grocery store, my life is an adventure and I crave sharing those adventures with others - mostly my aged self 50 years down the road when I cannot remember what I did yesterday let alone when I was a senior in college.
So this is me, beginning a new journey with myself. Rediscovering the love I have for not just writing, but connecting (which is why a diary simply will not do). I hope you enjoy reading and keeping in touch with me through this blog. It may not be the most captivating or compelling read - certainly no Da Vinci Code - but perhaps my reality will provide an escape from yours.
As the movie miraculously wraps up with only seven minutes remaining and a blushing bride rowing down the aisle on a canoe and a wishing star sprinkling fairy dust (or is it snow?) on the happy couple (I kid you not....) so does this entry - the first of many as I begin my very long goodbye with 2009, college, and being a kid.
Tonight, I find myself laying in bed watching "Eve's Christmas" on Lifetime (one of my favorite cheesy Christmas movies) just over one year after my last post as The Little London Lady (the blog I kept while studying abroad in London Fall of 2008) wishing there were more pages in that diary to read.
So much has happened this past year - amazing, memorable, challenging, and defining. Many times throughout this year I have wanted to blog certain thoughts, stories, anecdotes and experiences, but the "trouble" of it all overwhelmed me. I usually run from the things I am most passionate about out of fear of failing - be it songwriting, or dancing professionally, or acting. I avoid creative outlets of expression for some reason. Maybe I am afraid of what I will find out. It is so strange - I opt to youtube or watch TV instead of reading a book I know I am going to fall in love with, because that emotional commitment to the plot or in this case, the commitment to emotionally unleash and expose myself is too much. Maybe I am just completely lazy. I am not sure. But what I do know is that this blog is my attempt to be fearless and to allow myself to let it out, whatever "it" is and share it with you - to document the girl I am now so that the girl I will be in the future has a reference to understand exactly where she came from.
I am feeling completely excited about the future and wanting to share it. I have always classified myself as someone who is extremely thoughtful - and not in the hallmark way, but rather meaning that I have a lot of thoughts, some entertaining, some interesting, some not so much. But regardless I want to remember those thoughts and the events that are going to shape my final semester as a student at Elon.
My final chapter of childhood.
The way in which I will always remember London is the way in which I want to remember my everyday life. Because whether backpacking through Europe or tripping over myself in aisle 3 of the grocery store, my life is an adventure and I crave sharing those adventures with others - mostly my aged self 50 years down the road when I cannot remember what I did yesterday let alone when I was a senior in college.
So this is me, beginning a new journey with myself. Rediscovering the love I have for not just writing, but connecting (which is why a diary simply will not do). I hope you enjoy reading and keeping in touch with me through this blog. It may not be the most captivating or compelling read - certainly no Da Vinci Code - but perhaps my reality will provide an escape from yours.
As the movie miraculously wraps up with only seven minutes remaining and a blushing bride rowing down the aisle on a canoe and a wishing star sprinkling fairy dust (or is it snow?) on the happy couple (I kid you not....) so does this entry - the first of many as I begin my very long goodbye with 2009, college, and being a kid.
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