Make-outs and Jenny, equally in demand

So much truth happening.

Okay, you guys, we have to make this speedy because here is the situation. In addition to my freelance writing gig and having a big-girl full-time job, I have also been cast in a community theater musical which now rehearses every night until the end of time (aka this musical has already made me more dramatic than usual and I really just mean until the end of July which = the end of Bachelorette season).

I tried to tell the directors that I have a weekly conflict on Mondays from 7 - 9pm for a corporation called ABC, and they did not seem to think that merited my absence. That said, when I get home from rehearsal at 10pm, I feel this immense amount of pressure to join you all in your knowledge of the latest happenings in Andi's quest to find love by watching the episode, taking notes, waking up tired and trying to slip in time to write my update during a full-on work day (since after work I have my freelance writing and rehearsal all over again). It is tough being this in-demand (see what I mean about dramatic?!). Time is slipping away from me and I have just wasted ten minutes of it explaining this all to you, but I feel like you have a right to know why this update might have typos, tense changes and be drab and lackluster.

Now it is back on track with Andi and her quest to find the person that pisses her off the least often...

We start the episode in Venice, Italy - Andi has been here before, it is super duper romantic, the most romantic city in all the world, yadda yadda yadda. The guys show up and Andi announces the first one-on-one date is with Nick because she has a ton of jeopardy-style questions to get cleared up from him in between their gondola-riding face-sucking adventure date.

Monkey-man, Cody, is devastated he does not get the one-on-one since he is the only guy so far who has not had a chance to win Andi over in a more intimate setting (likely because there has never been chemistry between them and he has made it this far simply because his teddy bear heart mixed with his steroid-induced outbursts are entertaining to the producers). We watch his muscles flex as he stews in his black tank top over being the "odd duck out." Little does he know, he is not a duck. He is a monkey.

Something about being in the most romantic city in the world with Nick makes all of those hard-pressing questions melt away. As the guys astutely mention, if she really wanted to get questions answered instead of get her mack-on she would have saved Nick for the lie-detector group date. Or better yet, she could have saved him for a one-on-one date Juan-Pablo-style in the muddy jungles of Vietnam. But as per usual, she picks the most romantic setting to "test the waters" - leading with her hoohah yet again. She feels so much better about Nick and his intentions now that he has used his tongue as a weapon of mass destruction on her doubt, fears and concerns.

Side note - did they color correct the water? It looked like we were in Fiji....

Nick and Andi then have a Mascaraed-inspired feast in which Nick "unmasks" his feelings for Andi when she lays down her gavel and asks some tough questions like "it might sound shallow, but I like it when people like the guy I like, so why don't people like you?!". She really has the emotional probing down to a science...  Nick is taken aback by the additional questioning thinking he dodged the bullet by depriving Andi of oxygen on the gondola ride. As a last resort, he plays the victim card claiming his feeling were equally hurt in the altercation with the other guys. Andi purses her lips like a constipated duck while listening and holds him like a small child and they dance the night away, falling more and more in love. If you ask me, there is nothing that charming or interesting about Nick. He must be a grade-a kisser, because otherwise he just seems like a boring and slightly manipulative guy who could use invisalign.

Dear Josh: just stop talking and offer me your scarf.

On the group date with Marcus, Dylan, Josh, Chris, JJ (who has gotten so little face time I forgot he was still on the show), and Brian, two Italian (mobsters, actors and/or villagers off the street) administer a lie detector test. Josh gets his briefs in a bunch over the fact Andi feels the need to test the trust she has built with these men during a 12-week reality television show dating experience. How ever could she have doubts?! Doth protest too much Josh?! He is as fussy and emotional as a preteen girl and the combination of his Miley Cyrus attitude with Andi's spitfire bitch wall that flies up whenever something goes less than daisies and cupcakes is not a good mix. It would be hot in the bedroom but a complete disaster in life. The bottom line is - if you can't get along in the fairy tale bubble that is Bachelorette world, than you are absolutely doomed once this all ends.  

In other news, Dylan has a tummy ache and needs to go home?! That was bizarre and never explained, but with the monkey and the pantseprenuer still in the running, better now than next week to call in sick. Meanwhile, Chris completely over-dramatizes his admission that he is the secret admirer, making us all believe the farmer from Iowa actually has a real secret - Chris, it is not like you admitted to having half a lady part. You need to calm yourself down.
 
As for the lie detector test, Andi rips up the results despite finding out that most of the men lied. The whole thing was a waste of time and certainly didn't bring any of her relationships with the men further along. The guys had more intimate conversations with two Italian mobsters than they did with Andi.

Cut to a suana where Cody and Nick sweat and brood together.... I mean... what?!

At the cocktail party for the group date Andi is wearing zero clothes and the guys have scarves on as if they are in Harry Potter. Brian steps up to get some kisses in with Andi, and continues to pat himself on the back for being a big boy in the one-on-one department. But the secret admirer, Chris (Iowa farmer, not Harrison as I predicted, sadly), gets the rose. Marcus doesn't get a lot of face-time but just enough to say "I love love love love love you" to Andi, which is starting to feel over-zealous given what we have seen as viewers as a slow-moving progression. JJ's one-on-one time is not even shown, but his cranky outburst over not being happy for the other guys shining moments was a real winner... JJ and Josh both need to go eat some ice cream, turn on The Notebook and cry it out. Everything is going to be okay. 

Cody: Forget Verona. Are those shorts or a skirt?! Mind. Blown.

Cody gets the final one-on-one (finally) and I will admit, he truly has a sweet heart when he isn't getting up in people's faces. They explore Verona and the producers set up a very cheesy letter writing session, but all you really need to know here is that Andi's fashion was just as much of a fail with that powder pink skort and gray turtle-neck sweater as the one-on-one time with Cody. While he is straight-up professing his love in a 20-minute monolgue over dinner, she is slowly breaking down, tears welling up, constipated looks of fear flashing through her face. He notices NONE of this and continues to drone on about how much she is going to continue to fall for him, until she abruptly and quite agressively stops him and lists all the reasons why this isn't going to work. LADY. HAVE SOME COMPASSION. YOUR EYES ARE CRYING BUT YOUR MOUTH IS SPEWING OFF DOO DOO. She seriously needs to work on her delivery of emotion. Every time this chick tries to explain how she feels her tone becomes slightly enraged. Poor odd duck out is now being berated as he is being rejected. Rough life.

At the cocktail party Nick steps up right away to whisk Andi off to another make-out session.
All the other guys start fighting about how Nick, who has a rose, is so totally selfish for making the first move when poor Dylan who went home with a tummy ache has had zero one-on-one time with Andi beyond their train ride sob fest. Andi spends some time with the other guys but the one clip of Andi's face as JJ leans in for a smooch is all we need to see to know he is OUT. With Cody gone, there is only one guy to get the ax at the rose ceremony, and JJ is the obvious choice - especially after Brian busts out an award-winning poem called "10 Things I Hate About You." Um... Brian - you do know the audience that watches this show also watches every Heath Ledger movie ever made, right?! Bad move Bri... we're not nearly as impressed as Andi (who overlooked it for now since you are a better kisser than JJ).

PS - since when did the Bachelorette become a Shakespeare competition? These guys are busting out the romantic cliches in the secret admirer's shadow and it's becoming embarrassing... lets just put the feather and ink down, and be normal men. 

JJ makes the shock and awe exit we all see coming and we sigh relief that we no longer have to endure the brother-sister smooch sessions - even if they are on a ferris wheel overlooking a gorgeous city.

Next week is when things really get interesting in this journey - Dylan is definitely out next week because that hometown date would be super duper depressing and their connection is definitely lacking. After that, Josh will be soon to go too since Andi is starting to get twinged by his bizarrely douchey personality (the only way he has a fighting chance is if he starts kissing more, and talking less). Until next week friends!!!

I might be the voice of a generation...

I have decided just now over a strong cup of coffee, that I am super overwhelmed by all the things I need to learn before I turn 30 (which is my personal benchmark for accepting I am an adult).

It's a rough life being a millennial who is neurologically wired to dismiss the importance of investing time to learn how to #survive as an adult.

This led to a caffeinated epiphany that I am probably not the only one who feels this way. Therefore, I should probably be the answer to all of our problems. So, I have decided I am going to write a book explaining all the shit we don't want to take the time to learn in dumb-downed terms that millennials like me are sure to #like.

Here is how I see this going:

Title: How To Use Your Brain to Make Good Life Choices (and other novel concepts for the millennial generation). 

Chapter 1:  How to read things that are longer than 140 characters - since TLDR (too long didn't read) won't get you very far in life and I must equip my readers with this skill so they make it to Chapter 2. 

Chapter 2: How to make it rain - breaking down the basics of negotiating salary, a 401k, the stock exchange, loans, life insurance and tips to convince your parents that staying on their cell phone family plan until the end of time actually makes most fiscal sense for all parties.

Chapter 3: How to find a roof - what you need to know to get out of your parents house and pay your rent while simultaneously saving for a down-payment on a home (aka. how to win the lottery). Then, how to buy said home, take care of it, landscape it, and be your own landlord (since this is likely to be a brutal wake-up call).

Chapter 4: How to fix a flat tire among other automotive essentials - this will include how to check your oil, drive like a sane person, detach your hand from your phone and onto the wheel and not get robbed by a body shop. 

Chapter 5: How to break up with your first love - since they are very likely not "the one" and trying to make them "the one" is like settling for a lifetime of fat free cheese. Not interested.

Let's pray they read Ch. 6

Chapter 6: How to get a pre-nup - not to poo poo on your fairy tale, but marriage is a contract and half of you won't make it. Don't be stupid.

Chapter 7: How to get out of the job you thought you wanted - since now that you're all grown up you basically hate it.

Chapter 8: How to leave a voicemail - since this task, among other social "norms", has fallen down the black hole of technology and is now considered public speaking.

Chapter 9: How to combat FOMO (fear of missing out) and embrace boredom - since our multitasking life has created a frenetic addiction to constant stimulation and therefore the idea of doing nothing or being left out is terrifying. A sub-section of this chapter will feature tips on how to hang out with the person you are actually hanging out with, instead of the network of people on your phone.

Chapter 10: How to care about things that matter (including your emotional well-being) - like saving the planet, voting for strong leaders (and not just polarizing social issues), and for fun, I will throw in methods to survive a zombie apocalypse since I think we find that more interesting than being green. Also how to google "local therapist" since we could all use a little emotional stability outside the confines of Facebook likes.

Yeah - it is now for certain. I am copyrighting this idea immediately. Mom - you wanna help ghost write? 

It's not easy being green

Everyone. Panic.

On this week's episode of The Muppets...um, I mean the Bachelorette .....we learn a lot of lessons about the pain stereotyping can cause. From sweet Marquel crying his eyes out over Andrew's supposed racist comments to Josh feeling black-listed for being a hot athlete (must be tough, Josh, must be tough) - the whole episode is a struggle as we watch these guys fight to break free from the stigma of labels to let their true colors shine. Ironically, this all takes place in Southern France, where just being American is a hardship in itself.

Jim Henson, I mean - Chris Harrison - shows up in an ill-advised turtleneck sweater in a cafe in Marseille to debrief with Andi about where things stand with the remaining men. Andi rocks a pleather skirt pulled out of the Spice Girl's closet (another ill-advised choice) and teaches us that everyone deserves love, even if that means falling in love with multiple people and then breaking their hearts as you narrow down the hunt.

Woe is me - I just can't stop attracting these hot athletes...

Josh gets the first one-on-one date and the card is in French, so naturally, no one knows what it says. Google translate apparently didn't pay enough money to get a plug. Josh's translation -  "my loins are burning for you" and he behaves accordingly. Once on the date, their chemistry is undeniable so they proceed to make out the entire time. Ironically, they come up for air to conduct interviews during which Andi expresses her concern that Josh's hotness is hindering her ability to lock it up and get some deeper real talk accomplished. Cut back to her literally drooling over him, licking his face and eating out of his hand. Looks like we need a lesson on practice what you preach. The two lovebirds canoodle like Jack and Rose on the stern of a sailboat, have an elegant dinner at a castle, and decide that they are magically delicious together even though the majority of their time is spent sucking face or defending Andi's concerns that Josh is just a bad-boy-cheating-athlete dipped in a candy-coated shell.

Cut to the cookie monster, I mean Marquel who is very sad when he hears from JJ (the pantseprenuer pot-stirrer) that Andrew might have called him "blackie" the night of the first rose ceremony. Naturally the producers induce this emotional breakdown with alcohol and footage from 12 Years A Slave. I will say - Marquel has the sweetest heart, but the entire "incident" was over dramatized and unnecessary. JJ should not have said anything and Marquel should have chalked it up to ignorance and refocused on Andi.

All the men are feeling so judged and hurt and vulnerable. Cut to commercial.
 

So many deep connections forming.

On the group date, where it is even more critical to talk with each of the guys to ensure the relationships are moving forward, Andi challenges them to a miming competition.... what?! Marquel wears a really loud and flamboyant shirt to express the anguish his soul is feeling on the inside. Dylan is completely in his comfort zone since talking, laughing and having a distinct personality is not his forte anyways. And the "entire nation" of France gets to witness Americans mock an iconic art form in the middle of the square. True love is building you guys, can't you tell? Andi is so impressed that most of the guys are stepping it up - it is truly reassuring to know that "in these situations" the guys can handle themselves. I am so glad we can check "willing to mime in France" off the true love check list.

At the cocktail party the guys forget to take their midol with their tequila shots and in turn, shit gets real. While Andi and JJ ride a ferris wheel and exchange brother to sister like pecks over the city lights, Cody flares his muscles at Nick, who gives a half-hearted apology for making fun of his "thankfulness" for being cast on the show. Meanwhile, the charming and stoic Marquel beautifully approaches Andrew about the "comment" that was "made" about the color of his skin.

In case you were wondering, Andi is no idiot, you guys. She can "feel the tension." You can tell the lawyer in her LOVES the drama and she uses all of her one-on-one time with the guys to cross examine instead of focus on her relationship with each man. Nick is on the chopping block since the guys are not impressed with his salty demeanor. To object to the fact that he is a prick, he reads Andi a poem. It doesn't rhyme, so I am not impressed. But Andi immediately melts because "Nick sees inside her soul." Correction - the seventh glass of wine you drank just traveled inside your brain.

And then ABC CUTS OUT and we are left to wonder who gets the rose on the group date (turns out it was JJ who took her on a ferris wheel while the other boys where having tantrums).

My resting face in the kitchen

 The last one-on-one date is with sweet Brian who has grown on me over the past few episodes. The date starts off by putting the two in a dark room and forcing them to watch a Dreamworks movie. Branded entertainment at its best. After snuggling during the movie (which had to be super uncomfortable - just sitting there with cameras watching you watch a movie?! AWKWARD) Andi and Brian did totally normal, everyday things. Helicopters and castles are great and all, but shopping in a market in Southern France is way more of an "everyday" activity for Andi, which brings this all back to reality.

But the mood is squashed when Brian freaks out that he has to cook frog legs in the kitchen with Andi. He comes off as apathetic and cold when he is probably just trying to keep from puking. He warms up when they ditch the dinner for a French restaurant - aka his balls crawl back out of his crotch where they were hiding from the disgusting food. She gives him the rose and then quotes a Thompson Square song - he is encouraged and proceeds to suck her face to prove his manhood.

Onto the rose ceremony. Andi sports Queen Elsa's braid from Frozen and declares that she is letting go of cocktail parties. The guys are about to freakin lose it. Everyone. Panic. Andi already knows exactly what she needs to do and she is super serious about doing it as dramatically as possible. As she plucks each rose from the tray and holds it out five inches from her nose like a robot, the men slowly start to pee their pants. Josh, Brian and JJ all have roses. The first man called is Marcus, who I enjoy. Then Nick, Chris, Dylan, and finally CODY....WHAT?!?!?!! INSTEAD OF SWEET CHOCOLATEY HEART OF GOLD MARQUEL YOU PICK THE ROIDED UP MONKEY MAN?!?!?!? Panic sweeps my living room.

We all agree Marquel should be the next Bachelor. He was so eloquent and mature in his exit saying that Andi just wasn't in God's plan but that this adventure helped him feel again. I was waiting for the One Republic song to sing us out... sadly, no dice.

Side note: WHO IS THIS SECRET ADMIRER?! I bet it is Chris Harrison which will make for the most dramatic finale rose ceremony EVER. 

Secondary side note: Bachelor In Paradise is going to be INSANITY. And I cannot wait.

So many things....

Wow. So many things happening in Bachelorette world this week. In the interest of time, here is what you need to know:

Episode 1: 

•  We are done hanging out in lowly LA - Andi has completely out-grown that city. Instead we are moving her to the Bacara Resort and Spa in Santa Barbara so she can be more comfortable and so ABC can fund craft service.
• Nick and Andi have the first one-on-one date. The chemistry is definitely there. But I think

  

  Call 1-800 Dentist Today

  their baby would need some dental work. They had a completely "normal" first date date biking, rock climbing, watching sunsets in Santa Barbara- totally normal. Not at all spectacular.
• Douche bag and hairy chest (Andrew and Marcus) have a half-naked bro-versation about whether or not Nick is going to come home with a rose to which they conclude, they aren't sure. Compelling predictions, guys. 
• As Nick and Andi finish up their date we have determined that at 27-years-old, Nick thought he was too cool for school, but now he is older and wiser, which is precisely why Mandy Moore's 90's single "Crush"is his theme song. They are philosophically on the same page, which after a few glasses of wine, is hard for Andi to communicate. None-the-less, Nick gets the rose.
• The group date is a sing-along with Boyz II Men - all you need to know is that this is a musical holocaust. Every guy is tone deaf except for the opera singer Bradley who, bless his heart, tries way too hard to out-perform the other guys with his vibrtao. Josh M gets the rose because despite the fact he forgot the words to the song he did not forget to bring his swagger and his tongue to the dinner party.
• JJ, the pantseprenuer, gets the final one-on-one date with Andi. After transforming into old

  

  Am I on drugs?

  people, they prance around a park, talk like they have emphysema, drive around on scooters laughing the day away, convinced this is exactly what life will be like with each other when they are 80-years-old. HUH?! Aka - there is acid in their fake wrinkles. 
• JJ gets a rose after opening up to a seemingly disinterested and/or drunk Andi about being a bullied dork in school who is now just trying to find his way in the world one eccentric pair of pants at a time. He is a great sport on the date, seems to have a good heart and good intentions, but he (much like his old man pants) comes up short.
• Ron exits unexpectedly because of a death in the family. Very sad. Andi's speech starting the cocktail hour is lacking sincerity. I think the attorney in her prevents any softness when delivering information under stress (which we saw even more so at the end of episode two...).
• During the cocktail party Eric gets cock-blocked by a vase of flowers the producers time perfectly to arrive during their chat. I feel so bad for him - you can tell he is trying so hard to break through with her, and it is just not happening. 
• There is drama about Andrew being here for the right reasons. JJ and Josh stir the pot with nothing to lose adorning their roses, accusing Andrew of taking a girls number a few weeks back. There is one thing you don't mess with on this show, and that is being here for the RIGHT REASONS. You tamper with this and tongue guy and pants man are going to come getcha. 
• This is the part in the season where it becomes the hunger games - every man for himself. No - you are not in fact not "all in this together" - this is not High School Musical. Alliances are forming, testosterone is increasing in heavy doses. Basically this is the stage in the show when every contestant goes through puberty. 
• We have cut down on using the word "stooooooop" but now "y'all" is being abused and it's not okay.
• Hair dresser and opera boy are gone. Opera singer is having a hard time - I am sure he will find a sweet soprano some day.

Not the same situation, Andrew. Not the same.

Episode 2:

Totally a gryffindor.

• We are in Connecticut at the Mohegan Sun resort as the first stop in the tour around the world.... interesting selection. I was expecting North Korea after the series of places selected for Juan Pablo's adventure. 
• 14 guys are left and Dylan gets the first one-on-one date. They hop aboard a train, which brings back a ton of memories from Dylan's childhood growing up in New England. This creates a heavy tension between them as he keeps buried the story of his tragic past. We are supposed to be on a train to Hogwarts and instead, we are on a train to hell.
• Dylan finally opens up about his sibling's lost battle with drug addition. Such a devestating story. It is taking everything in me not to reach through the TV and give him a hug. We finally see an authentically soft side of Andi in response. He gets the rose, but unfortunately, I do not think he will be around much longer. He is very sweet and super hot, but he isn't showing her his true personality and unfortunately, this is not a show for slow-walking.
• The group date is at the basketball court where WNBA players whip the guys butts and Coach Brian shines. The guys get competitive and the winning team gets the dinner party. The losers sulk. Been here, done this.. over it. 
• The real highlight here is JJ's outfit - he is wearing the most bizarre get-up ever... letting his

  

  JJ - you look like you just left the asylum.

  inner-dork shine. I suppose, I can dig his individuality... but at least lose the beanie for God's sake. You are not in the Zac Brown Band.
• At the dinner party the Rosebud team consisting of Marquel, Brian, Josh, Nick, and Eric all get alone time with Andi. 
• Nick and Andi find a very dark corner to snuggle in. Cameras panic to catch more than just awkward kissing noises. 
• Andi and Eric can't seem to connect, yet again. Not sure what it is between these two kids that isn't clicking. He is my favorite. NO. It is not because I feel sad that he passed away. It is not because his name is only one letter off from my man, it is just that he rocks and I think she has weird taste in men for not liking him.
• Speaking of which, her hoohah is shooting fireworks for Brian as he makes a half-court shot during their one-on-one time. He chickens out and doesn't kiss her, even though she was literally leaning in begging for it. He finally kisses her at the cocktail party and she is elated... I just don't get it. Andi - you're into him and not into MR. WORLD EXPLORER...?! I mean... come on. I get that he can shoot hoops.. but did he give you dolls from Africa upon his arrival?! I didn't think so. 
• Marcus and Andi have their first one-on-one date the next day. This is the classic leap of faith date and I am already bored. Until Marcus, despite his own phobia of heights, totally mans up as he talks Andi through every step of repelling down the building. I am going to hyperventilate just watching them sway along in the New England wind, so it was a genuinely sweet moment when they landed on two feet and conquered their fear together. This is likely the only time in Bachelor history the leap of faith date and the metaphors swirling around it don't make me want to throw up. I really like them together. He gets a rose and confesses he is falling in love with Andi. Marcus is now my favorite (given the situation to come).

Okay now it is time for some REAL TALK. This whole Eric situation is a hot mess. During his and Andi's final one-on-one time at the cocktail party, in an act of desperation to connect and cut through the crap, Eric ends up pushing Andi's bitch button and the whole thing gets blown WAY out of proportion. I would agree it was not the most tactful thing in the world to call her out on not being genuine all the time. Suddenly the word "acting" took on the Juan Pablo "okay" trigger and she was just done. It is a unique situation and he should have had a bit more grace for the pressure she is facing. There were so many other ways he could have cut through their distance - for instance - just freakin KISS HER - but instead his word choice was all wrong and once he sparked her defense, it was a full on forest fire. She sent him home without giving herself a chance to cool off, or him the opportunity to explain.

Then - BREAKING NEWS - we cut to some bizarre interview between Chris and Andi that is supposed to memorialize Eric, as that was his last scene on the show, and we all know he passed away from a tragic accident a few weeks later. This whole set-up came off weird and inappropriate to me. We should have been interviewing his family and true friends, not some chick who knew him for four weeks, and just exploded emotional diarrhea on him as she kicked him to the curb. I would have much rather cried my eyes out to a sweet video montage of his life than hear Andi pull out her attorney front in what was meant to be a heart felt interview... it was just weird.

Am I right?! Yes. That monkey is from the musical Wicked.

I went to bed very sad. This season is interesting, but I have hope for Marcus. He is now my front runner and he better not let me down or I am going to have to write a strongly worded letter to someone to make me feel better. Speaking of letters - who was the secret admirer letter from?! I guess we will never know!

We will also never get to see Tasos's exit. That came as a surprise...  I will never understand how Cody the monkey is still in this... but hopefully next week will start to bridge some gaps. Until then friends!