Let's "cheers it up." The Bachelor is back!

Youse about to be ROSED.

I must admit I was embarrassingly excited to sit down on the couch and begin yet another Bachelor journey full of cat fights, tears, exotic adventures, and the show's most imperative player - tequila. I know some of you instead watched that big football game thing that was happening... from what I heard of the game, most of these women were like Notre Dame - a hot mess. And I thoroughly enjoyed watching semi-psychotic poodles attempt to make a good impression on our Bachelor Sean, who I may affectionately refer to as Mr. Perfect / Must Therefore Have a Small Penis.

So let's take a moment to talk a little bit more about our Dallas "Hunk" Sean Lowe. Sean has a wonderful life is Dallas full of lifting weights, running toward mirrors, lifting weights, using high technology iPads, lifting weights, having hammock and playhouse time with babies, and of course recovering from his physically exhausting journey (enter in clip of him lifting weights to symbolize the exhaustion) with Emily - when in a moment, his "beautiful life was gone." But then he got it back once he had a heart to heart with pop and then saw himself in the mirror lifting weights and realized... "wait, yep. Life is still beautiful."

I'm man enough to have a fruity drink sit on my small balls

To prepare for his journey Sean likes to watch couples take their wedding photos wave-side, and skip rocks while thinking about how he will protect his woman, even if that means he has to scale rock cliffs for her like the Ken Doll version of spider man. He also likes to have overly-scripted sit-downs with Emily's other reject, Arie. After "Cheersing it up" (that's a new one...) Sean confesses it was healthy for him to see Arie search out real estate down Emily's throat all season, and that he is now in a better place to hand out his own roses.  Then suddenly it got real weird... following man-to-man kissing lessons and some awkward moments of flamboyancy, I was partly concerned Arie was attempting to use his inner gay child to pull a Tonya Harding and take Sean's place as the Bachelor...Why is Arie here... ? And where is THE Chris Harrison? Bring my normal overly gesticulated introduction back please....

Still got a rose... WHAT?

And then the real drama begins. We start to meet the women.. and their dogs. Note to self - per-requisite to either have a dog, look like a dog, or act like a dog while under the influence of alcohol in order to be cast on the show.

Sean gets out of the limo and looks wide-eyed and shell shocked... dude did you blackout and forget what Chris Harrison looks like? Get it together.

The limos pull up and we meet a slew of very diverse interesting women who:

1. Learn new languages (with post-it notes and by watching Dora the Explorer)
2. Read best-selling novels (50 Shades of Grey)
3. Love photography (of themselves while they stretch inappropriately)
4. Are designers (of bridal gowns that they sit around the house wearing)
5. Are environmental advocates (not to be confused with nerd-advocates because she doesn't support those...)

Kelly - don't sing. please don't sing... DAMN IT. You sang.

6. Who use super trendy words in everyday speech (such as holy Toledo!)
7. Are professional (organizers?! what does this even mean?! Sign. Me. Up.)
8. Are active (ly searching for a boyfriend)
9. Are interested in advertising (themselves)
10. Look like Disney princesses (Mulan and a cracked out Cinderella)
11. Enjoy haircare (wear weaves)
12. Are barefoot and heart centered (on themselves)
13. Are open to falling (literally, on the ground, while trying to do cart wheels in a gown...)
14. Who are musical (ly challenged - more specifically Kelly from Nashville - you made me cringe. You are from music city... TRY HARDER to represent...)

Ashley H - the Tranny MJ hot mess

15. Are in touch with their masculine side (aka, might be a tranny - specifically Ashley H - why do you talk and kind of look like Michael Jackson?)
16. Are super family oriented (aka my mother is obsessed with you and my father will rip off your balls if you hurt me)
17. Are familiar to the Bachelor Mansion (Paige - stay off the Ritalin or GO HOME. You think she would have learned from Bachelor Pad that sometimes less is more). 
 
Which brings me to Kacie B from Fish Stick's season (Ben) - She comes back and the girls are all fussy and "mean muggin" about it. Desiree: "She had her chance with Ben - what makes her think this will work with Sean?!" Well Des, maybe the fact they are two totally different people....pop one less crazy pill and get over it. I've seen her out with Ty in Nashville so I don't think she wins. Lock it up, lady.

Sean: Now let's all scream together to awaken our awesome energies because I am about to be bad ass, break the rules and pass out roses like bead necklaces at Mardi Gras. Show me your boobs.. um I mean "good energy" and boom. Rosed.

Mulan

There were some girls I actually did like, so we will see how that unfolds. And poor Sarah - "its easier just to date a girl with two arms - but I want someone other than my dog to share my life with.. but I don't think with one arm, I deserve love," Bless. Her. Heart. Dear Sarah - You are missing an arm - girlfriend, you deserve a parade, a make a wish, a robot maid fo' free. And you're about to get a rose, so calm it right down. Mr. Perfect can't NOT give a rose to a one-armed chick on the first night...I mean get real - you had this in the bag for the same reasons Mulan did.

You know how the rest goes down friends. Panic attacks ensue. The claws come out. The alcohol continues to rain from the sky. Awkward moments of silence, first impressions, and tears. Lot's of tears - "I didnt think it would be so hard, I didn't think of it this way until being here - fighting for a guy is so tough, I don't do this!" Dear Taryn. You don't do this? Have you not seen this show before? Did you think you were applying for The Biggest Loser? If so, you're winning. Stop drinking and hydrate with a water source other than your eye sockets.

And this line pretty much sum's up the remainder of the show: "I am so scared for him right now," followed by Sean saying "I brought a rape whistle in case I'm in trouble."

Yes, the first set of roses were handed out to the "women" - some that were semi-normal choices and made complete sense. Others that were clearly hand-selected by the producers for drama - oh Tierra - I hate you already. And now is when the real fun begins - when we start to invest in these relationships and watch the magical mess unfold. 

Until next week, friends :)