Sean Lowe: Frizz-Ease Enthusiast

Two thumbs up for my six-pack

On last night's episode of The Bachelor I was transported back to the halls of middle school. Except in Bachelor world, middle school is a mansion in which we take away all but one school boy, remove studies, chaperones, and extracurricular activities, and add in an exorbitant alcohol budget. What we were left with is a class of hormonal girls who survive on vodka and botox to dramatically win the heart of the most popular boy in school, all while trying to bring back the "bump-it" to tame their frizzy hair. It was a cocktail of competition, insecurity, 90's catch phrases and bad attitudes, interspersed with random scenes of Sean showering. And it was the best part of my Monday.

First let's give credit where it's due. A lot of my commentary was infused by the hilarity of my viewing parner in crime, Emma Poliseno. So if you laugh, she likely had something to do with it.

Now onto the show. Where to begin. Oh - well the natural choice would be in the shower where amidst his rinse and repeat, Sean just couldn't help but ponder getting down on one knee, and came to the conclusion that it could really happen for him this time around (so long as the woman of his choice does the same in the fantasy suite...)

And let it be known, Chris Harrison and Sean have quite the bromance as evident by Chris's constant need to stray from his cast-in-stone script to describe Sean as the most sincere bachelor in the history of bachelors, ever before. WHAT?! You mean to tell me that every bachelor has not been sincere....?! Santa is not real?! Shocking news Chris. I knew fish stick was really an asshole...

Let's also talk about the fashion for a moment. Did I miss the memo that dream catchers are now being used as earrings, and cut off booty jeans paired with a sequined top is considered coordination? I've gotta stop shopping at Old Navy - clearly I'm missing the latest trends.

I wonder what the people in the office building were thinking.

The first one-on-one date began when a helicopter landed in the driveway. Kacie B was shocked to find out that Sarah and Sean were about to be taken away on a helicopter for their romantic date. Really Kacie?! Really?!  You've been here before... like...last month. You know the drill. Stop whining and being so insecure or else I am going to force feed you hamburgers.

Sean and Sarah really connected and used their get-to-know you time wisely by spending it in an impossibly loud helicopter, and then falling off a building. Let's not forget to squeeze in time to talk incessantly about the fact Sarah only has one arm.... not two... just one... count it.. one....only further dramatized by some interesting camera angles of Sean trying to navigate around it - super awkward. This show has a tendency to harp on the obvious - Emily Maynard is a single mom. Jason is a single dad. Sarah has one arm. We get it people. Move on.

After Sean got a new pair of pants from peeing himself - I mean "protecting his woman" - on the way down the building, we finally got to see these two have a real conversation. A conversation I couldn't understand because I was too distracted. No. Not because of the arm situation - it was that nasal voice. I would have kept those helicopter ear muffs on the whole rest of the date just to get through it.  I guess it was just me and Emma, because Sean gave her a rose and was blown away by her awkward bird-peck style of kissing and Sarah was falling in love. Little did they realize they were both just suffering from altitude sickness. And as Emma so candidly pointed out - Camera 4 - you have GOT to stop zooming in on her nub. Not appropriate.

Wait, you mean to tell me she left her hair product at home?!

Next up is the group date. Sean was excited to have the chance to talk to the girls. We didn't see a lot of talking happening at all. Instead, there was a romance novel photo shoot complete with elaborate costumes, intense bickering and shock and awe to discover that one of the girls had the unthinkable... hair extensions. The photographers were certainly in on the drama as they instructed the girls to rip off Sean's shirt to expose his chest - anatomy we have never seen before on this show.

In a nutshell:

• Tierra wanted to strangle everything in her path and likely has split personality disorder.

  

  Former President of the Frizzy-Hair Club

• Kristy needed a xanex.
• Catherine is a vegan but she loves beef.
• Selma really liked the way Sean says the words "my wife."
• Kacie B and Katie had a frizzy-hair club committee meeting
• Katie decided this stress was going straight to her hair..  I mean head, and she was not cut out for this, so she sent herself home, with zero rebuttal from Sean - I guess frizz-ease is a non-negotiable for him.
• Kacie B was so in the friend zone and so desperate not to be. Sean only gave her a rose on the date so that he wasn't seen as a bigot against frizzy hair following Katie's departure. But seriously, she can start packing - which from the looks of it won't take too long since she refuses to wear pants with her shirts.  

"All of this has been infused with alcohol for your pleasure..."

My front-runner so far is hands-down the lovely Desiree. On an orchestrated candid-camera style one-one-one date at an art museum, Sean saw that she reacts like a normal human being when being accused of ruining multimillion dollar pieces of art. He is taken aback by how great and again - normal - she is, which just makes me wonder - what kind of girls does he date in Dallas?! Something tells me he is used to fake girls who are as believable as normal women as that awful paid actor (who I think was on meth) was as a french artist.

After the prank, he takes her back to "his place" for a dinner "he cooked" (and as Emma noted - we're glad it wasn't for the vegan). Their conversation seemed really natural, as did the progression to the hot tub shortly after, where the audience was privy to some weird bubbling sounds. What was that sound? - oh wait.. that was the sound of Sean's "body" responding to the "heat" of the "water." They were both super excited that they were on the same page, aka - equally naked. They were just really feeling each other - which I'm sure was not hard to do through Sean's skin tight Popeye swim trunks. She gets a rose.

Tierra - 24 going on 12 and certifiable

Finally we get to the rose ceremony. Here are some of the highlights -

• Wedding dress girl and Sean had a real connection when they established that they might lose their hair and get fat as they get older.
• The women are really starting to do the math and figure out that there is a lot of them and only one of Sean.
• Amanda looked constipated - like she was cramping on her period and had to take a dump all at the same time. 

Overall, Sean is blown away by these women, or as Emma put it - Sean is easily blown. What he doesn't realize is that the true cause of this is the  "tornado of negativity waiting to happen" inside the brothel... I mean, mansion.

Then Chris does his same contractually robotic speech. Emma and I just really want for him one day to break out and say something new.. just once... come on....

Here is the first thing that came to my mind as each girl was called:

Ashlee - Pageant queen
Lindsay - Why?! Really.. why?!
Robyn - He must like the chocolate. Good for him.
Jackie - Princess Ariel
Lesley M - poor Leslie H
Selma - Hayek
Catherine - Mulan
Kristy - that pastel lipstick looks like an easter egg threw up on your mouth
Leslie H - holy moly!
Teirra - Forehead scar makes me wonder if she was the evil version of Harry Potter in a past life
Taryn - wait... you're still here? Who are you?
Daniella - I think she has eye-roll turrets

BUT WAIT - in case you couldn't count (which in this group is questionable) it's the FINAL ROSE NOW...

Amanda - she smiled, so she must have gotten in a good shit


I felt bad for the single mom, Diana, who seemed sweet enough but I thought it was very noble of Sean to send her home if he wasn't feeling the spark, aka she wasn't putting out. I don't even remember the other chick who went home, and I'm tired. Google it.

 I am sure they will go on to meet some nice fellas. In the meantime and in the words of my dear friend Emma, "chug some wine sisters - its the only thing that keeps the train moving."