Make-outs and Jenny, equally in demand

So much truth happening.

Okay, you guys, we have to make this speedy because here is the situation. In addition to my freelance writing gig and having a big-girl full-time job, I have also been cast in a community theater musical which now rehearses every night until the end of time (aka this musical has already made me more dramatic than usual and I really just mean until the end of July which = the end of Bachelorette season).

I tried to tell the directors that I have a weekly conflict on Mondays from 7 - 9pm for a corporation called ABC, and they did not seem to think that merited my absence. That said, when I get home from rehearsal at 10pm, I feel this immense amount of pressure to join you all in your knowledge of the latest happenings in Andi's quest to find love by watching the episode, taking notes, waking up tired and trying to slip in time to write my update during a full-on work day (since after work I have my freelance writing and rehearsal all over again). It is tough being this in-demand (see what I mean about dramatic?!). Time is slipping away from me and I have just wasted ten minutes of it explaining this all to you, but I feel like you have a right to know why this update might have typos, tense changes and be drab and lackluster.

Now it is back on track with Andi and her quest to find the person that pisses her off the least often...

We start the episode in Venice, Italy - Andi has been here before, it is super duper romantic, the most romantic city in all the world, yadda yadda yadda. The guys show up and Andi announces the first one-on-one date is with Nick because she has a ton of jeopardy-style questions to get cleared up from him in between their gondola-riding face-sucking adventure date.

Monkey-man, Cody, is devastated he does not get the one-on-one since he is the only guy so far who has not had a chance to win Andi over in a more intimate setting (likely because there has never been chemistry between them and he has made it this far simply because his teddy bear heart mixed with his steroid-induced outbursts are entertaining to the producers). We watch his muscles flex as he stews in his black tank top over being the "odd duck out." Little does he know, he is not a duck. He is a monkey.

Something about being in the most romantic city in the world with Nick makes all of those hard-pressing questions melt away. As the guys astutely mention, if she really wanted to get questions answered instead of get her mack-on she would have saved Nick for the lie-detector group date. Or better yet, she could have saved him for a one-on-one date Juan-Pablo-style in the muddy jungles of Vietnam. But as per usual, she picks the most romantic setting to "test the waters" - leading with her hoohah yet again. She feels so much better about Nick and his intentions now that he has used his tongue as a weapon of mass destruction on her doubt, fears and concerns.

Side note - did they color correct the water? It looked like we were in Fiji....

Nick and Andi then have a Mascaraed-inspired feast in which Nick "unmasks" his feelings for Andi when she lays down her gavel and asks some tough questions like "it might sound shallow, but I like it when people like the guy I like, so why don't people like you?!". She really has the emotional probing down to a science...  Nick is taken aback by the additional questioning thinking he dodged the bullet by depriving Andi of oxygen on the gondola ride. As a last resort, he plays the victim card claiming his feeling were equally hurt in the altercation with the other guys. Andi purses her lips like a constipated duck while listening and holds him like a small child and they dance the night away, falling more and more in love. If you ask me, there is nothing that charming or interesting about Nick. He must be a grade-a kisser, because otherwise he just seems like a boring and slightly manipulative guy who could use invisalign.

Dear Josh: just stop talking and offer me your scarf.

On the group date with Marcus, Dylan, Josh, Chris, JJ (who has gotten so little face time I forgot he was still on the show), and Brian, two Italian (mobsters, actors and/or villagers off the street) administer a lie detector test. Josh gets his briefs in a bunch over the fact Andi feels the need to test the trust she has built with these men during a 12-week reality television show dating experience. How ever could she have doubts?! Doth protest too much Josh?! He is as fussy and emotional as a preteen girl and the combination of his Miley Cyrus attitude with Andi's spitfire bitch wall that flies up whenever something goes less than daisies and cupcakes is not a good mix. It would be hot in the bedroom but a complete disaster in life. The bottom line is - if you can't get along in the fairy tale bubble that is Bachelorette world, than you are absolutely doomed once this all ends.  

In other news, Dylan has a tummy ache and needs to go home?! That was bizarre and never explained, but with the monkey and the pantseprenuer still in the running, better now than next week to call in sick. Meanwhile, Chris completely over-dramatizes his admission that he is the secret admirer, making us all believe the farmer from Iowa actually has a real secret - Chris, it is not like you admitted to having half a lady part. You need to calm yourself down.
 
As for the lie detector test, Andi rips up the results despite finding out that most of the men lied. The whole thing was a waste of time and certainly didn't bring any of her relationships with the men further along. The guys had more intimate conversations with two Italian mobsters than they did with Andi.

Cut to a suana where Cody and Nick sweat and brood together.... I mean... what?!

At the cocktail party for the group date Andi is wearing zero clothes and the guys have scarves on as if they are in Harry Potter. Brian steps up to get some kisses in with Andi, and continues to pat himself on the back for being a big boy in the one-on-one department. But the secret admirer, Chris (Iowa farmer, not Harrison as I predicted, sadly), gets the rose. Marcus doesn't get a lot of face-time but just enough to say "I love love love love love you" to Andi, which is starting to feel over-zealous given what we have seen as viewers as a slow-moving progression. JJ's one-on-one time is not even shown, but his cranky outburst over not being happy for the other guys shining moments was a real winner... JJ and Josh both need to go eat some ice cream, turn on The Notebook and cry it out. Everything is going to be okay. 

Cody: Forget Verona. Are those shorts or a skirt?! Mind. Blown.

Cody gets the final one-on-one (finally) and I will admit, he truly has a sweet heart when he isn't getting up in people's faces. They explore Verona and the producers set up a very cheesy letter writing session, but all you really need to know here is that Andi's fashion was just as much of a fail with that powder pink skort and gray turtle-neck sweater as the one-on-one time with Cody. While he is straight-up professing his love in a 20-minute monolgue over dinner, she is slowly breaking down, tears welling up, constipated looks of fear flashing through her face. He notices NONE of this and continues to drone on about how much she is going to continue to fall for him, until she abruptly and quite agressively stops him and lists all the reasons why this isn't going to work. LADY. HAVE SOME COMPASSION. YOUR EYES ARE CRYING BUT YOUR MOUTH IS SPEWING OFF DOO DOO. She seriously needs to work on her delivery of emotion. Every time this chick tries to explain how she feels her tone becomes slightly enraged. Poor odd duck out is now being berated as he is being rejected. Rough life.

At the cocktail party Nick steps up right away to whisk Andi off to another make-out session.
All the other guys start fighting about how Nick, who has a rose, is so totally selfish for making the first move when poor Dylan who went home with a tummy ache has had zero one-on-one time with Andi beyond their train ride sob fest. Andi spends some time with the other guys but the one clip of Andi's face as JJ leans in for a smooch is all we need to see to know he is OUT. With Cody gone, there is only one guy to get the ax at the rose ceremony, and JJ is the obvious choice - especially after Brian busts out an award-winning poem called "10 Things I Hate About You." Um... Brian - you do know the audience that watches this show also watches every Heath Ledger movie ever made, right?! Bad move Bri... we're not nearly as impressed as Andi (who overlooked it for now since you are a better kisser than JJ).

PS - since when did the Bachelorette become a Shakespeare competition? These guys are busting out the romantic cliches in the secret admirer's shadow and it's becoming embarrassing... lets just put the feather and ink down, and be normal men. 

JJ makes the shock and awe exit we all see coming and we sigh relief that we no longer have to endure the brother-sister smooch sessions - even if they are on a ferris wheel overlooking a gorgeous city.

Next week is when things really get interesting in this journey - Dylan is definitely out next week because that hometown date would be super duper depressing and their connection is definitely lacking. After that, Josh will be soon to go too since Andi is starting to get twinged by his bizarrely douchey personality (the only way he has a fighting chance is if he starts kissing more, and talking less). Until next week friends!!!