So many things....

Wow. So many things happening in Bachelorette world this week. In the interest of time, here is what you need to know:

Episode 1: 

•  We are done hanging out in lowly LA - Andi has completely out-grown that city. Instead we are moving her to the Bacara Resort and Spa in Santa Barbara so she can be more comfortable and so ABC can fund craft service.
• Nick and Andi have the first one-on-one date. The chemistry is definitely there. But I think

  

  Call 1-800 Dentist Today

  their baby would need some dental work. They had a completely "normal" first date date biking, rock climbing, watching sunsets in Santa Barbara- totally normal. Not at all spectacular.
• Douche bag and hairy chest (Andrew and Marcus) have a half-naked bro-versation about whether or not Nick is going to come home with a rose to which they conclude, they aren't sure. Compelling predictions, guys. 
• As Nick and Andi finish up their date we have determined that at 27-years-old, Nick thought he was too cool for school, but now he is older and wiser, which is precisely why Mandy Moore's 90's single "Crush"is his theme song. They are philosophically on the same page, which after a few glasses of wine, is hard for Andi to communicate. None-the-less, Nick gets the rose.
• The group date is a sing-along with Boyz II Men - all you need to know is that this is a musical holocaust. Every guy is tone deaf except for the opera singer Bradley who, bless his heart, tries way too hard to out-perform the other guys with his vibrtao. Josh M gets the rose because despite the fact he forgot the words to the song he did not forget to bring his swagger and his tongue to the dinner party.
• JJ, the pantseprenuer, gets the final one-on-one date with Andi. After transforming into old

  

  Am I on drugs?

  people, they prance around a park, talk like they have emphysema, drive around on scooters laughing the day away, convinced this is exactly what life will be like with each other when they are 80-years-old. HUH?! Aka - there is acid in their fake wrinkles. 
• JJ gets a rose after opening up to a seemingly disinterested and/or drunk Andi about being a bullied dork in school who is now just trying to find his way in the world one eccentric pair of pants at a time. He is a great sport on the date, seems to have a good heart and good intentions, but he (much like his old man pants) comes up short.
• Ron exits unexpectedly because of a death in the family. Very sad. Andi's speech starting the cocktail hour is lacking sincerity. I think the attorney in her prevents any softness when delivering information under stress (which we saw even more so at the end of episode two...).
• During the cocktail party Eric gets cock-blocked by a vase of flowers the producers time perfectly to arrive during their chat. I feel so bad for him - you can tell he is trying so hard to break through with her, and it is just not happening. 
• There is drama about Andrew being here for the right reasons. JJ and Josh stir the pot with nothing to lose adorning their roses, accusing Andrew of taking a girls number a few weeks back. There is one thing you don't mess with on this show, and that is being here for the RIGHT REASONS. You tamper with this and tongue guy and pants man are going to come getcha. 
• This is the part in the season where it becomes the hunger games - every man for himself. No - you are not in fact not "all in this together" - this is not High School Musical. Alliances are forming, testosterone is increasing in heavy doses. Basically this is the stage in the show when every contestant goes through puberty. 
• We have cut down on using the word "stooooooop" but now "y'all" is being abused and it's not okay.
• Hair dresser and opera boy are gone. Opera singer is having a hard time - I am sure he will find a sweet soprano some day.

Not the same situation, Andrew. Not the same.

Episode 2:

Totally a gryffindor.

• We are in Connecticut at the Mohegan Sun resort as the first stop in the tour around the world.... interesting selection. I was expecting North Korea after the series of places selected for Juan Pablo's adventure. 
• 14 guys are left and Dylan gets the first one-on-one date. They hop aboard a train, which brings back a ton of memories from Dylan's childhood growing up in New England. This creates a heavy tension between them as he keeps buried the story of his tragic past. We are supposed to be on a train to Hogwarts and instead, we are on a train to hell.
• Dylan finally opens up about his sibling's lost battle with drug addition. Such a devestating story. It is taking everything in me not to reach through the TV and give him a hug. We finally see an authentically soft side of Andi in response. He gets the rose, but unfortunately, I do not think he will be around much longer. He is very sweet and super hot, but he isn't showing her his true personality and unfortunately, this is not a show for slow-walking.
• The group date is at the basketball court where WNBA players whip the guys butts and Coach Brian shines. The guys get competitive and the winning team gets the dinner party. The losers sulk. Been here, done this.. over it. 
• The real highlight here is JJ's outfit - he is wearing the most bizarre get-up ever... letting his

  

  JJ - you look like you just left the asylum.

  inner-dork shine. I suppose, I can dig his individuality... but at least lose the beanie for God's sake. You are not in the Zac Brown Band.
• At the dinner party the Rosebud team consisting of Marquel, Brian, Josh, Nick, and Eric all get alone time with Andi. 
• Nick and Andi find a very dark corner to snuggle in. Cameras panic to catch more than just awkward kissing noises. 
• Andi and Eric can't seem to connect, yet again. Not sure what it is between these two kids that isn't clicking. He is my favorite. NO. It is not because I feel sad that he passed away. It is not because his name is only one letter off from my man, it is just that he rocks and I think she has weird taste in men for not liking him.
• Speaking of which, her hoohah is shooting fireworks for Brian as he makes a half-court shot during their one-on-one time. He chickens out and doesn't kiss her, even though she was literally leaning in begging for it. He finally kisses her at the cocktail party and she is elated... I just don't get it. Andi - you're into him and not into MR. WORLD EXPLORER...?! I mean... come on. I get that he can shoot hoops.. but did he give you dolls from Africa upon his arrival?! I didn't think so. 
• Marcus and Andi have their first one-on-one date the next day. This is the classic leap of faith date and I am already bored. Until Marcus, despite his own phobia of heights, totally mans up as he talks Andi through every step of repelling down the building. I am going to hyperventilate just watching them sway along in the New England wind, so it was a genuinely sweet moment when they landed on two feet and conquered their fear together. This is likely the only time in Bachelor history the leap of faith date and the metaphors swirling around it don't make me want to throw up. I really like them together. He gets a rose and confesses he is falling in love with Andi. Marcus is now my favorite (given the situation to come).

Okay now it is time for some REAL TALK. This whole Eric situation is a hot mess. During his and Andi's final one-on-one time at the cocktail party, in an act of desperation to connect and cut through the crap, Eric ends up pushing Andi's bitch button and the whole thing gets blown WAY out of proportion. I would agree it was not the most tactful thing in the world to call her out on not being genuine all the time. Suddenly the word "acting" took on the Juan Pablo "okay" trigger and she was just done. It is a unique situation and he should have had a bit more grace for the pressure she is facing. There were so many other ways he could have cut through their distance - for instance - just freakin KISS HER - but instead his word choice was all wrong and once he sparked her defense, it was a full on forest fire. She sent him home without giving herself a chance to cool off, or him the opportunity to explain.

Then - BREAKING NEWS - we cut to some bizarre interview between Chris and Andi that is supposed to memorialize Eric, as that was his last scene on the show, and we all know he passed away from a tragic accident a few weeks later. This whole set-up came off weird and inappropriate to me. We should have been interviewing his family and true friends, not some chick who knew him for four weeks, and just exploded emotional diarrhea on him as she kicked him to the curb. I would have much rather cried my eyes out to a sweet video montage of his life than hear Andi pull out her attorney front in what was meant to be a heart felt interview... it was just weird.

Am I right?! Yes. That monkey is from the musical Wicked.

I went to bed very sad. This season is interesting, but I have hope for Marcus. He is now my front runner and he better not let me down or I am going to have to write a strongly worded letter to someone to make me feel better. Speaking of letters - who was the secret admirer letter from?! I guess we will never know!

We will also never get to see Tasos's exit. That came as a surprise...  I will never understand how Cody the monkey is still in this... but hopefully next week will start to bridge some gaps. Until then friends!