It's a rough life being a millennial who is neurologically wired to dismiss the importance of investing time to learn how to #survive as an adult.
This led to a caffeinated epiphany that I am probably not the only one who feels this way. Therefore, I should probably be the answer to all of our problems. So, I have decided I am going to write a book explaining all the shit we don't want to take the time to learn in dumb-downed terms that millennials like me are sure to #like.
Here is how I see this going:
Title: How To Use Your Brain to Make Good Life Choices (and other novel concepts for the millennial generation).
Chapter 1: How to read things that are longer than 140 characters - since TLDR (too long didn't read) won't get you very far in life and I must equip my readers with this skill so they make it to Chapter 2.
Chapter 2: How to make it rain - breaking down the basics of negotiating salary, a 401k, the stock exchange, loans, life insurance and tips to convince your parents that staying on their cell phone family plan until the end of time actually makes most fiscal sense for all parties.
Chapter 3: How to find a roof - what you need to know to get out of your parents house and pay your rent while simultaneously saving for a down-payment on a home (aka. how to win the lottery). Then, how to buy said home, take care of it, landscape it, and be your own landlord (since this is likely to be a brutal wake-up call).
Chapter 4: How to fix a flat tire among other automotive essentials - this will include how to check your oil, drive like a sane person, detach your hand from your phone and onto the wheel and not get robbed by a body shop.
Chapter 5: How to break up with your first love - since they are very likely not "the one" and trying to make them "the one" is like settling for a lifetime of fat free cheese. Not interested.
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| Let's pray they read Ch. 6 |
Chapter 7: How to get out of the job you thought you wanted - since now that you're all grown up you basically hate it.
Chapter 8: How to leave a voicemail - since this task, among other social "norms", has fallen down the black hole of technology and is now considered public speaking.
Chapter 8: How to leave a voicemail - since this task, among other social "norms", has fallen down the black hole of technology and is now considered public speaking.
Chapter 9: How to combat FOMO (fear of missing out) and embrace boredom - since our multitasking life has created a frenetic addiction to constant stimulation and therefore the idea of doing nothing or being left out is terrifying. A sub-section of this chapter will feature tips on how to hang out with the person you are actually hanging out with, instead of the network of people on your phone.
Chapter 10: How to care about things that matter (including your emotional well-being) - like saving the planet, voting for strong leaders (and not just polarizing social issues), and for fun, I will throw in methods to survive a zombie apocalypse since I think we find that more interesting than being green. Also how to google "local therapist" since we could all use a little emotional stability outside the confines of Facebook likes.
Chapter 10: How to care about things that matter (including your emotional well-being) - like saving the planet, voting for strong leaders (and not just polarizing social issues), and for fun, I will throw in methods to survive a zombie apocalypse since I think we find that more interesting than being green. Also how to google "local therapist" since we could all use a little emotional stability outside the confines of Facebook likes.
Yeah - it is now for certain. I am copyrighting this idea immediately. Mom - you wanna help ghost write?
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