It's not easy being green

Everyone. Panic.

On this week's episode of The Muppets...um, I mean the Bachelorette .....we learn a lot of lessons about the pain stereotyping can cause. From sweet Marquel crying his eyes out over Andrew's supposed racist comments to Josh feeling black-listed for being a hot athlete (must be tough, Josh, must be tough) - the whole episode is a struggle as we watch these guys fight to break free from the stigma of labels to let their true colors shine. Ironically, this all takes place in Southern France, where just being American is a hardship in itself.

Jim Henson, I mean - Chris Harrison - shows up in an ill-advised turtleneck sweater in a cafe in Marseille to debrief with Andi about where things stand with the remaining men. Andi rocks a pleather skirt pulled out of the Spice Girl's closet (another ill-advised choice) and teaches us that everyone deserves love, even if that means falling in love with multiple people and then breaking their hearts as you narrow down the hunt.

Woe is me - I just can't stop attracting these hot athletes...

Josh gets the first one-on-one date and the card is in French, so naturally, no one knows what it says. Google translate apparently didn't pay enough money to get a plug. Josh's translation -  "my loins are burning for you" and he behaves accordingly. Once on the date, their chemistry is undeniable so they proceed to make out the entire time. Ironically, they come up for air to conduct interviews during which Andi expresses her concern that Josh's hotness is hindering her ability to lock it up and get some deeper real talk accomplished. Cut back to her literally drooling over him, licking his face and eating out of his hand. Looks like we need a lesson on practice what you preach. The two lovebirds canoodle like Jack and Rose on the stern of a sailboat, have an elegant dinner at a castle, and decide that they are magically delicious together even though the majority of their time is spent sucking face or defending Andi's concerns that Josh is just a bad-boy-cheating-athlete dipped in a candy-coated shell.

Cut to the cookie monster, I mean Marquel who is very sad when he hears from JJ (the pantseprenuer pot-stirrer) that Andrew might have called him "blackie" the night of the first rose ceremony. Naturally the producers induce this emotional breakdown with alcohol and footage from 12 Years A Slave. I will say - Marquel has the sweetest heart, but the entire "incident" was over dramatized and unnecessary. JJ should not have said anything and Marquel should have chalked it up to ignorance and refocused on Andi.

All the men are feeling so judged and hurt and vulnerable. Cut to commercial.
 

So many deep connections forming.

On the group date, where it is even more critical to talk with each of the guys to ensure the relationships are moving forward, Andi challenges them to a miming competition.... what?! Marquel wears a really loud and flamboyant shirt to express the anguish his soul is feeling on the inside. Dylan is completely in his comfort zone since talking, laughing and having a distinct personality is not his forte anyways. And the "entire nation" of France gets to witness Americans mock an iconic art form in the middle of the square. True love is building you guys, can't you tell? Andi is so impressed that most of the guys are stepping it up - it is truly reassuring to know that "in these situations" the guys can handle themselves. I am so glad we can check "willing to mime in France" off the true love check list.

At the cocktail party the guys forget to take their midol with their tequila shots and in turn, shit gets real. While Andi and JJ ride a ferris wheel and exchange brother to sister like pecks over the city lights, Cody flares his muscles at Nick, who gives a half-hearted apology for making fun of his "thankfulness" for being cast on the show. Meanwhile, the charming and stoic Marquel beautifully approaches Andrew about the "comment" that was "made" about the color of his skin.

In case you were wondering, Andi is no idiot, you guys. She can "feel the tension." You can tell the lawyer in her LOVES the drama and she uses all of her one-on-one time with the guys to cross examine instead of focus on her relationship with each man. Nick is on the chopping block since the guys are not impressed with his salty demeanor. To object to the fact that he is a prick, he reads Andi a poem. It doesn't rhyme, so I am not impressed. But Andi immediately melts because "Nick sees inside her soul." Correction - the seventh glass of wine you drank just traveled inside your brain.

And then ABC CUTS OUT and we are left to wonder who gets the rose on the group date (turns out it was JJ who took her on a ferris wheel while the other boys where having tantrums).

My resting face in the kitchen

 The last one-on-one date is with sweet Brian who has grown on me over the past few episodes. The date starts off by putting the two in a dark room and forcing them to watch a Dreamworks movie. Branded entertainment at its best. After snuggling during the movie (which had to be super uncomfortable - just sitting there with cameras watching you watch a movie?! AWKWARD) Andi and Brian did totally normal, everyday things. Helicopters and castles are great and all, but shopping in a market in Southern France is way more of an "everyday" activity for Andi, which brings this all back to reality.

But the mood is squashed when Brian freaks out that he has to cook frog legs in the kitchen with Andi. He comes off as apathetic and cold when he is probably just trying to keep from puking. He warms up when they ditch the dinner for a French restaurant - aka his balls crawl back out of his crotch where they were hiding from the disgusting food. She gives him the rose and then quotes a Thompson Square song - he is encouraged and proceeds to suck her face to prove his manhood.

Onto the rose ceremony. Andi sports Queen Elsa's braid from Frozen and declares that she is letting go of cocktail parties. The guys are about to freakin lose it. Everyone. Panic. Andi already knows exactly what she needs to do and she is super serious about doing it as dramatically as possible. As she plucks each rose from the tray and holds it out five inches from her nose like a robot, the men slowly start to pee their pants. Josh, Brian and JJ all have roses. The first man called is Marcus, who I enjoy. Then Nick, Chris, Dylan, and finally CODY....WHAT?!?!?!! INSTEAD OF SWEET CHOCOLATEY HEART OF GOLD MARQUEL YOU PICK THE ROIDED UP MONKEY MAN?!?!?!? Panic sweeps my living room.

We all agree Marquel should be the next Bachelor. He was so eloquent and mature in his exit saying that Andi just wasn't in God's plan but that this adventure helped him feel again. I was waiting for the One Republic song to sing us out... sadly, no dice.

Side note: WHO IS THIS SECRET ADMIRER?! I bet it is Chris Harrison which will make for the most dramatic finale rose ceremony EVER. 

Secondary side note: Bachelor In Paradise is going to be INSANITY. And I cannot wait.