Dear Carrie Underwood - Just Stop.

Unless you are living under a rock, you know last night was the CMA Awards, LIVE here in music city. While many of my friends were walking the red carpet, live at the show, and enjoying the open bars and celebrity sightings of the after parties, Justine and I happily watched from the couch decorated in pajamas and eye glasses - none of which were bedazzled. Justine is my non-music-industry partner in crime but when it comes to mastering a remote control and having an opinion, we consider ourselves to be pretty VIP.

I know you are super jealous you weren't able to experience our watch party moment-by-moment, so I thought I would give you a peak (aka the entire dialogue...) into our expert commentary from the evening:

Hosting perfection.

• AND IT BEGINS! Hmm... the show is opening with a scene from Magic Mike...!? Oh wait. It's Luke Bryan wearing a backward trucker hat and sequins. Okay. I'm on board. Let the gyration continue.
• Where exactly is this Flint River you speak of?
• Dear Taylor Swift: We know that YOU know the camera is on you. Sit down.
• Dear Carrie Underwood. You are simply perfection. Even in a strange Cleopatra-style-side-thigh-tailed get-up, I want you to birth my children. 
• Oh, look at that! Kenny Rogers, Alan Jackson and George Strait have all discovered the spray tan.
• Taylor swift isn't exactly sure what Obama-care is...
• We love FGL, but we are even more excited to see Brian's mom in the audience since she gave us the keys to her city over Labor Day. NBD.
• Dear Duck Dynasty - I might start to watch you. Apparently you are a really big deal. Luke Bryan just gave you a standing ovation. Maybe you know where Flint River is?!
• FGL wins for Cruise! I just dribbled a little water out of my mouth from pure excitement (that's right, we weren't even drinking wine. It was quite the party). Solid speech.
• Dear Carrie Underwood: Just stop it. Just. Stop it right now. You are such a dream boat. 

Did I miss the memo announcing you have kidney stones?

• Dear Kacey Musgraves - I think that arrow is pointing right up your ass. Please remove it. You are kind of pissing me off. You also look like a Neon Big Bird.
• Lady A's new song is okay but the real winner of this performance is Charles Kelley's burnt orange skinny jeans. Hot damn. If Carrie Underwood weren't so hot, you'd be winning.
• Tim McGraw - you are a sexy beast. But I think you need to eat a cheeseburger.
• The pant-suit romper (I do not think that is the proper term for this trend) is REALLY big this year for the ladies. VETO. Which leads me to my next thought -
• Little Big Town nailed their performance of "Sober" but you can't help but wonder - were their stylists sober when they selected those outfits...?
• Brett Eldridge's voice is like lobster dipped in warm butter. Yum.

Sweeping the night, boys!

Inspirational.

• FGL wins again! Brian is channeling Aerosmith with that scarf. Tyler is rocking Professor Snape's haircut. All is right in the world.
• Keith and Miranda - If it weren't for Blake, I would want you two to pro-create. Minus the tin-man cowboy boots, ya killed it. 



Favorite performance of the night.

• Surprisingly impressed with TSwizzle all around here - beautiful rendition of Red. Alison and Vince are genius. I think we can finally put the memory of that heinous duet with Stevie Knicks behind us. Taylor, you now have permission to collaborate on awards shows. Congrats. 
• Jason Mraz you look a little like Gunner's (from the show Nashville) slightly less attractive cousin. I also had no idea you were on this song with sweetie angel cutie pie Hunter Hayes... and apparently you didn't either...
• Eric Church is rocking a crew cut... not sure how I feel about that. Or this song. Fast forward.
• Kimberly from The Band Perry is channeling Wilma from the Flinstones and we think she might have had a cold. We naturally said "bless her heart" five times throughout the song.
• Dear Lennon and Maisy - Hug me. You guys are almost as talented as me and my sister when we duet to Barbabra and Celine's "Tell Him."
• Taylor - I'm not going to pretend like I didn't tear up when you accepted the Pinnacle Award. (I also REALLY wanted to jump through the TV and fix your lipstick). I think Faith Hill was a little pissed, but everyone else seems genuinely happy for you, including your ex-boyfriend's grandma. (Meanwhile, Kacey Musgraves had to excuse herself to keep from punching people in the face).
• Dear P Diddy - well we know which way your arrow points... dude is high as a KITE. 
• Dear Carrie Underwood: God must have spent a little more time on you. 
• We are now entering legend time - George Jones, you will never be forgotten and I want to hug your wife. Kenny Rogers, rock on, but lay off the botox a little. Alan Jackson, you might just single-handedly bring back the bell bottom. Well done.
• Zac Brown + Foo Fighter = pure genius. Also, did anyone else notice that Zac's guitar changed mid-song like the magic school bus? Impressive. 
•  Brad Paisley is the only man I know who can rock a pink paisley guitar and a Mona Lisa T-shirt and still bring down the house. (Yes, I know him.. we only have lunch every Wednesday...NBD)

Fist pump for the pink paisleys!

• Jennifer Nettles - are your boobs as fake as your accent, or what? Oh wait - you just had a baby. Okay... then you actually look really great (minus the fact you're wearing the pant-romper). I still wish you were Dolly. 
• George Strait wins for Entertainer of the Year! King of Country, I salute you. 
• Dear Carrie Underwood. How do I become you? Let me know. Thanks.

Overall this entire evening was EPIC. I might have enjoyed it from the couch, but I'm sure Brad will fill me in on all the backstage gossip during our lunch date next week ;). So proud to live in the greatest city with the greatest talent. Until next year!