Love is a battlefield.

Yep. I did it. 

I caved and finally did it. Yesterday I downloaded the latest craze dating app, Tinder.

I was on a walk with a friend, enjoying the beautiful fall day, when she shared with me her experience. After my coaching on how the whole thing works, she launched into some pretty epic horror stories - a perfect narrative to keep my mind off the six miles we had mapped out. As we laughed and discussed the complete cluster that is dating today, she did mention she was having some success with a certain match. And since the app is free and pretty non-committal, I decided to check it out myself. I figured if nothing else, it would be some weekend entertainment I could then share with all of you.

[For those of you who don't know what Tinder is, it is basically "hot or not." The app takes your Facebook pictures and interests to generate your Tinder profile. In return, the "matchmaker" feeds you profiles that might be of interest to you based on your age and geographic preference settings. You can see first name, age, and proximity to you. You surf through the profiles pictures, optional short (or sometimes essay-style) descriptions, and view common interests and friends. Then, you make the grand decision - swipe right to like or left to reject. If you and the other person both swipe right, Tinder alerts you that you have a "match." From there you can message with your match to see if you two share a "true love connection."]

In just the first 24 hours, I have learned quite a lot. Let's review together in a little list I'd like to call  
My Top Five Tinder Questions & Insights:

I catch really big fish. If you know what I mean...

1. Did I miss something where catching a really big fish is somehow symbolic of your shoe size? I swear, every guy on this thing has a picture of himself smiling with a big ass dead fish... what are you trying to say here? In fact, there is a pretty classic set of pictures you can expect from these guys to compel you to swipe right:

• Standard face shot: "Hey girl. I have a symmetrical face and my hairline is not receding yet."
• Friend group shot: "I am really popular and I know how to have a good time"
• If the guy is tall, the group shot helps him establish his height (either that or he will flat out put a line item in his description that he is 6'something to reaffirm his stature).
• If the guy is short, expect a lot of face and arm muscle shots and no mention of height anywhere.
• If the guy is doing a body shot off a chick or a keg stand in his group shot, hard LEFT. 
• Activity / Fitness shot: "If you want adventure, you'll find it here. I'm really into staying fit, biking, mud runs, marathons and catching super big fish."
• Me and a gorgeous girl shot: "Pretty girls want to be seen with me, so you should too." 
• Selfies: "I like to stand in mirrors and capture my 'independence'."
• Roided-up muscle selfies: "I spend all of my time at the gym, I think it's cute when my eyes bug out of my head to get the optimum flex, I use enhancement drugs that may or may not be illegal and I am a meat head" hard LEFT. 
• Mom shot: "I respect women and value family."
• Baby shot: "I love kids, but don't be confused... it's not my kid."
• Beer / sports shot: "See - I don't JUST love my mom and babies. I love sports and beer too. So, I'm well-rounded."
• Celebrity shot: "I'm VIP. You, me and Martina McBride can totally get lunch together."
• Instrument shot: "I am musical, can rhyme and might even write a song about you."  

Insight: A picture paints a thousand words. Choose wisely. 

I throw up my papa johns.

2. Does half a delivery pizza, miller lite and leftover Halloween candy count as a first date these days? It is Saturday at 7:00pm, and one of my matches, who otherwise was a pretty entertaining chat, invites me over to his house to eat leftover pizza. What?! I don't even know you! I am not not going to come to your house and swoon while you microwave papa johns for me...
Insight: A fun conversation does not mean a match understands how to date.

3. Are you really wondering where I am from at 12:07 a.m.? I woke up this morning to a message from a match that came shortly after midnight, asking me where I am originally from. Please. I could be from Siberia - you don't actually care where I'm from. You're boozing it up with your buddies and hoping "where I'm from" turns into you getting some.
Insight: After a certain point, this app becomes a gateway for the booty call.

4. Is it acceptable to be on here when I know you have a girlfriend? You could argue this app is a vehicle for making new friends, but lets get REAL. This is about navigating the minefield that is dating. You are bound to run into a guy you know, and I sure did. Except I also know his girlfriend too. Hard LEFT.
Insight: Beware, this is not an app just for honest, single people.

RIGHT. Marry me.

5. Is this what dating has really come to? I am always up for trying new things but the truth of the matter is, you can't determine real chemistry without talking to a person face-to-face no matter how perfect (or douchey) they may seem on the screen.
Insight: This should merely be a way to connect. If things seem to be clicking, shortly after the successful small talk, just be a big boy and bite the bullet! Ask me to meet up in a public place, at a normal hour for a cup of coffee. This my friends, is called a first date. Revolutionary concept, I know.

I would love to hear a guys perspective on this, because I am SURE the other side is just as hilarious....

Final insight: Love really is a battlefield, friends. But if you do what you love, someone to love will come along when you least expect it. Or download this app, swipe right, and say a prayer!

[Disclaimer: The pictures of the guys in this post did not actually come from the app... that would just be mean (thanks Google image results for "dude with really big fish"). Also, if you are reading this, and you think that one of these guys is you.... it probably is. Take notes.]