In a world where it's Juan-uary.

Juan Pablo - you even stole my heart.

Last night's premiere episode of The Bachelor took us to a world where one Venezuelan man, taken away from his native language, his "Partridge" family, and of course his daughter Dora...hmm I mean, Camilla...is dropped in the middle of 27 beautiful (certifiable) women in a mansion in LA all on a journey... WAIT....I'm sorry Juaney boy, I meant ADVENTURE... to find his soul mate. A world where it is normal to lather one's body seductively in the shower alone and stare into the sunset half-naked alone. A world where previous Bachelor Sean just happens to show up on a playground to give expert advice on kiss strategy.

A world where first impressions start with rolling pianos and fake pregnancy bellies. Where a 24-years-old's sole ambition in life is to be a step-mom. To really put this into perspective for you - this is a world where "Kylie" and "Kat" sound the same. 

Okay, fine. You win. I like you. I WILL accept the rose.

Before diving into the highlights of last night's episode, let's just start with some real talk. I am not going to lie to you - I sincerely wanted to dislike Juan Pablo. I was very skeptical going into this season because I felt like his "fan favorite" reputation was fabricated by the producers. I was also pretty convinced I would need subtitles to understand him, and on paper I did not think that he was THAT hot - woah, settle down ladies. This opinion takes a turn...

After getting to know his personality I will admit, he completely won me over. He may make the word "bachelor" 17 syllables long, but he makes hilarious comments like "No more limos!" and runs back into the mansion like a crazy person just to get a girl's name (I could hear the producer's screaming into their headsets - "JP on the loose!"). He is the kind of guy who breaks the ice by starting a dance party with the ladies and he may keep crazy flower-child Lucy (more on her later) but he gives the first impression rose to the lovely and "elegant" (awesome way to describe her Juaney boy) Sharleen.

He seems incredibly more down-to-earth than past contestants. He has a goofy flare about him that not only makes for extremely entertaining television ("Wow. Wow. Wow." "Hiyayayaya" "Uoooph she smells so good!" "What is your name again?" "Um, she is...how do you say in your country...oooh, she is a "happy camper!") but also creates an authenticity I haven't seen in a man on this show since maybe Bachelor Bob... and let's get real, even Bob was questionable.

With all of that being said, let's talk about the women. Naturally, they are all predisposition to be obsessed with Juan Pablo at first glance. After all, he will be the sole source of validation they are allowed to receive over the next 12 weeks (if they make it that long). Yes ladies, it could be the body, it could be the hair, it could be the accent - OR it could be the alcohol. Regardless, these ladies are ready to be vulnerable, ready to be mothers, and as an interesting twist - they all have their limbs this year. HOWEVER - there was no shortage of crazy.

"I just want to rub my body up all over a man" Um...

Amy the massage-freak (who reminded me so much of Ellie Kemper's character in Bridesmaids) topped the certifiable charts for me. But flower-child Lucy was not far behind with her brazen come-on and god-awful outfit. I have to wonder if the producers hired these two ladies as actresses, hence why we have 27 instead of just 25 contestants this season. I just have a hard time believing these girls are real people.

And let's not forget about Lauren - the girl from Oklahoma whose fiance left her "oh so unexpectedly." This was a straight-up train wreck and therefore got tons of airtime. Dear Lauren - if this "isn't who you really are" and "you want people to stop feeling sorry for you" then you are going to have to MAN THE F UP AND STOP CRYING. You pretty much failed when you confused Juan Pablo for your therapist. Just. Saying.

Profession: Disney Princess

And since WHEN is it a profession to be a "free spirit," a "dog lover" or a "Disney Princess." Oh wait, to be fair Amy L. is actually a news reporter but she IS from Orlando and I swear, she is either hopped up on drugs or is channeling Belle from Beauty and the Beast (eh, but who am I to talk when it comes to Disney).

So far my favorites start with Sharleen - the cultured and elegant opera singer who is the only girl to refreshingly admit she did not speak any Spanish instead of spewing out elementary phrases like "me gusta hot guys." And Juan Pablo really sealed the deal for me as a stand-up guy when he said- "Well, I speak a little bit of English, so we're good."

And let's just discuss how Justine and I proceed to have a legit living room STANDING OVATION when JP left to get the first impression rose for Sharleen. We were overjoyed. Well that was before we realized she was going to respond like a lost toddler in the grocery store. That pause was longer and even more awkward than when Cassandra introduced herself (crickets, crickets). But finally Sharleen accepted and I'm hoping she sticks around.

Elegance is pure genius.

Also - ladies, take note. The woman who's boobs were not throwing themselves a parade and who's ass crack wasn't peaking from the back of her dress is the woman who got the first impression rose. (Although, I must admit, when Andi got out of the car and Juan Pablo practically had an orgasm, I thought it was going to her).

Lauren S - My best friend ever.

I also really liked: Allison (the nanny who looks like Deanna Pappas), Chealsie (the science educator, even though I think at times she was channeling a Doodle Bop), Clare (the hairstylist with the cryptic dead daddy DVD), Lauren S (who is the music composer who I am "friends" with through my best guy friend's girlfriend's best friend's cousin - yep. We're practically besties), Nikki (the pediatric nurse who inspired Juan Pablo to say "oh yes your heart went boom boom" - precious), and Renee (the mom of 8-year-old Ben).

I was pretty pleased with Juan Pablo's selections come the end of the night minus the fact he kept Lucy. He even gracefully handled the "mix up" when he called Kat's name - BLESS KYLIE'S HEART - and yes I mean that in a "betch, why you too drunk to hear right?" kind of way.

We are officially one episode in on this adventure and I cannot wait to see how everything unfolds. Until then ladies - let's learn from the mistakes witnessed here. Don't cry, think your name is a name that sounds nothing like your name, or violently rub up on a suited man to make a good first impression. What would we do without The Bachelor for these key lessons in life?

ADIOS AMIGOS! (see, it doesn't work for me either ladies - let's just drop it all together).