Juan Pablo and the Technicolor Dream Pants

Walking out to  Like a Virgin - just to reiterate the point

Tonight was a sigh of relief as I was able to dedicate the entire evening to a full-on Bachelor marathon. Before we dive into the final Monday of Juan-uary, let's first touch upon the winning moments of Sean and Catherine's wedding in a little list I'd like to call
Things I will NOT do at my wedding... under any circumstances... ever. 

1. Conjure up a theme for my wedding that no one, including my fiance, understands. Did anyone figure out what "grown sexy" really means? Is there such a thing as "child-like sexy?" - to me, that just sounds like something you go to rehab for. Honestly, I am surprised she didn't walk down the aisle to Lady GaGa's "Do what you want, what you want to my body."

2. Walk down the aisle to an instrumental version of Michael Jackson's Human Nature - really?! Yes - mom and dad, please grab my arm and walk me toward my future as we all hum "Why, why does he do me that way?" Sean was crying his eyes out, and so was I...

3. Mention love sprinkles in my vows- then again this is the girl who practically had an orgasm when she accepted Sean's proposal... so nothing surprises me anymore.

4.  Stand five feet away from my fiance as we exchange our vows - was it just me, or was she holding him like she was shy at a middle school dance?

5. Have a honeymoon suite surveillance camera. So many worlds of creepy. I'm sorry, but were we, as adult viewers, supposed to be entertained by shots of an empty bed? And was the Chris Harrison threesome innuendos supposed to be funny... ? THEY WAITED TO HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE - get OVER it, STOP asking about it, and let's get back to more scenes of Trista & Ryan and Ashley & JP since that is the REAL reason I am even watching this show.

Well that was educational.

The inside of Juan's suitcase

Let's move onto tonight's episode of The Bachelor during which our leading man, Juan Pablo is forced to say goodbye to sweet little Dora and say hello to South Korea, 13 lovely ladies and seven pairs of pants, one in every color of the rainbow.

After screaming like preteens at a One Direction concert, the ladies pack up their bags and head on their way to Seoul to meet up with their Venezuelan dream boat. The girls are so elated to be going to South Korea - the home of gangnam style. I can hear Clare thinking - oh thank goodness, I thought for a minute we were going to see weapons of mass destruction! They all cannot wait to venture to a whole new world with a whole new culture - correction Jasmine. It is not a whole new world. It is actually the same world, ya know - since we only live on one.

Throughout the journey (shamelessly sponsored by that airline I can't remember) the girls divulge some deep desires we are surprised to hear, such as: "I hope I'm the girl that gets the one-on-one date" or  "this is such a dream come true, My (enter dying / dead relative / sob story lead role) would be so happy to see me traveling the world" AND OF COURSE "culture is really super duper and I'm all about opening myself up and being more open to culture in new cultural cultures."

Meanwhile Juan Pablo is playing carnival games downtown anticpating his group date with the ladies in the markets of Seoul looking like a technicolor-dream-pant-Guido.

Kat is about to knock Cassandra out with her ass pops

The first group date starts off to Cassandra's disappointment - no - the clue "pop" does not mean you will be making popcorn in South Korea on your group date... what?!  Instead, Juan Pablo, like a giddy elf, escorts the six lovely wide-eyed angels around the city. Everyone is peeing rainbows and sunshine - wow guys! CULTURE IS EVERYWHERE! Except for Nikki - who would rather crap her pants and sit in it than find a nugget of happiness in this day. She admits she does not thrive in a group setting - that obviously doesn't bode well on this show, but to be completely honest, it doesn't bode well in all those other worlds we inhabit either.

After frolicking through the streets, the ladies and JP end up at a dance studio where they are challenged to learn choreography and perform live for a crowded mall of screaming fans with the popular K-Pop group 2NE1 (and yes, I googled the crap out of that, thank you). Juan Pablo is rocking capri pants, Chelsie is living out her childhood dream of being a back-up dancer (wow kid, dream big), Nikki hopes the crowd is made up of blind kids, and meanwhile Kat is guzzling champagne (we hope) and pop-lock-high-kicking to channel the Korean version of Britney Spears meets circus freak. Isn't Cassandra (who rocks the dance in a sweet and unassuming way) the real dancer? Gosh some of these girls have ZERO humility. 

I don't usually like to feel stuff

At this point I want Elise, Kat and Kelly to go home, and while I find Nikki and her glowing cheek zit to be entertaining, I am not sure how I feel about all the immature pouting - but her impression of Kat's dancing pretty much made my night. The cocktail part of the evening had the typical drama and bus throwing that we normally see. And let's not discount the confessional time in which Kat opens up about how she might be a phenomenal dancer but she can be a real person and open up - like about how she decided to have a successful career after her parents ruined her life at 6-years-old and how she isn't a "feelings person" because it is really scary to feel. Hmmm...interesting approach.

I wipe a mean baby bum

Nikki, despite the pouting gets the rose, likely having won Juan over with all that talk of changing baby diapers. Noted. 

Next we move onto the one-on-one date with Sharleen - who so far has been a loose cannon - I still cannot figure her out. Despite her air of humility and class, when she goes in to kiss Juan she makes my hoohah crawl into itself with cringing fear. However, they have a lot of chemistry and their date (despite the weird

stocking / shorts combo with clunky heels) ends up on a very elegant note with some opera singing in a courtyard, normal kissing (despite the weird biting part), real conversation, honesty and some of the most genuine

In the words of Elise - YUCK

chemistry I have seen so far this season. She is definitely a front-runner despite the fact she doesn't like kids (um.... what?!). Plus, she discovered her talent harmonizing to Disney songs - so I've gotta give this chick a shot (so long as she keeps the wet dog kisses out of my face and doesn't treat Dora like crap).

The final group date Juan takes the remaining ladies to further explore the food and culture of Seoul. The main takeaway is that Juan loves to dance and he wants to incorporate it in everything he does. So naturally the ladies all go to a karaoke bar to dance their faces off. Then they have the dead skin eaten off their feet by small fish and of course fuel up with octopus to ensure they have enough strength to paddle boat in large swans in a nearby lake. 

Clare - channel someone more awesome.

Let's just sum this up right here - CLARE HAS GOT TO GO. Veneers is pissing me off more and more by the episode. She is like Hannah Montana meets LeAnn Rimes (mostly because of the teeth and the grating personality). This chick is not smart, or cool. She says "like" every two words, she is highly territorial and is the complete opposite of Sharleen in every way... and yet Juan seems to be falling for her?! 

Then we proceed to the cocktail party portion of the evening and this is where shit really gets stupid. Dear Juan - you can't kiss seven girls and then suddenly decide for the sake of preserving your fatherly image for little Dora that it is no longer acceptable to kiss any more girls... just for tonight?! What a strange way to use your daughter to get out of kissing chicks you're not that into. Also - why is your four-year-old watching this show anyways? And out of ALL the girls you break the rule for HANNAH FREAKIN MONTANA who practically nibbled at your face?! I am so over it. I felt so bad for Lauren, and quite honestly would have had the exact same reaction to his bizarre excuse for not giving her a real shot.

The four-year-old cock block

Juan - don't use your daughter as your excuse to not be honest. It is the opposite of being a good role model. I really like you - don't mess it up by throwing Dora under the bus. It's pissing me off. 

We finally make it to the rose ceremony and more of the same goes down - Clare makes me want to punch her in the face, Nikki is constipated with negativity, Kelly the "dog lover" is acting like a female dog insinuating drama - all very predictable conversations and actions. 

And then the "MIND BLOWN" portion of the evening begins as Juan passes out the roses. Um... am I being punked? How are Danielle, Kat and Kelly still in this thing and NOT SWEET AND BEAUTIFUL LAUREN? I'm just very, very confused. And for the LOVE OF GOD can someone please ask the smart question "what in the HELL kind of career is a dog lover?!"

I was happy to see Elise go, but Lauren was a definite shame. The exit intereviews were sad. It is so funny - they all seem so strong when they start talking and then the water works erupt. You'd think the producers were calling them bad names to illicit tears in between takes. Poor Lauren. What an idiot Juan was tonight.

Let's see if he wises up next week when he takes the remaining 11 girls to Vietnam... everyone seems thrilled.. I don't know, I just feel like he keeps taking them to war zones... NEXT week we're going to Gettysburg!!!!

Luckily for Juan, that final clip of him singing the Korean pop song made me fall in love with him again. But seriously, he better stop f-ing around.