Everyone wants a Juan-on-Juan... Hookay?

They Juan the Juan-on-Juans with the Juanderful Juan (too much?)

Last night's episode of The Bachelor combined extreme sports with extreme drama, as the ladies ached for Juan-on-Juans almost as much as I ached for Lucy to keep her clothes on and Elise to stop talking... just...forever. So let's dive in together, shall we.... week tres of Juan's adventure to find love!

From a scale of 1 - 10, Nikki is a level 15 for wanting to get out of the house this week. Forget that, I am a level 15 for never wanting to see Chris Harrison wear that two-toned blue shirt ever again. Despite the fashion fatality, the first one-on-one date card arrives for the lovely 21-year-old mama, Cassandra. Upon hearing her date card clue, the ladies decide "love is a wild ride" MUST mean Juan and Cassandra are going on a SAFARI... yeah. A safari in LA... makes total sense.

Meanwhile, right on theme, Juan Pablo is feeding his daughter in the park like a zoo animal - Dear JP - no quiero pollo means no quiero pollo. Leave Dora alone.

The first date begins as the shy and slightly insecure Cassandra admits it has been a very long time since she has been on a date - forever even, since she was, like, 18-years-old! Get out! This 21-year-old mom just hasn't LIVED. But today is her day to get in the passenger seat of the magic school bus with a Venezuelan stud as her Miss Frizzle. The pair take off into the LA sunrise on the open road, as Cassandra reminds herself its okay to actually breathe in and out, and yes - even smile and speak full sentences. All nervousness seems to float away as the car emerges into the water and turns into a speedboat - a refreshing departure from the "orgasmic" helicopter rides they pitch as surprising and different every season. Still not condusive for conversation, but eh... it is still too soon to worry about all that.

Back at the mansion, Renee and Elise have a heart-to-heart about Elise's mom who's dying wish is for her daughter to go on national television, live in a house of drama and fight tooth and nail with 26 other women for the attention of a Venezuelan baby daddy. I may seem heartless but I'm over the sob stories. Listen girlfriend, Clare's dead daddy of the year left her future husband a freakin DVD... so I think you've been trumped. Let's move on.

Juan and Cassandra end the night at his place where he cooks, they dance, and we realize that for a tall, skinny, white girl, Cassandra has quite the tuckus. On top of the grooving, this date is super special for Cassandra since she hasn't had a man cook for her in like... forever. She warms up a bit, they fawn over pictures of their babies, she admits she will be her son's worst nightmare and despite the shyness and slightly disjointed conversation, Juan seems to be picking up what she is putting down. Ayyyy Cassandra - kissy, kissy, rose, rose - you know the drill. The date comes to an end and we all come to the conclusion that her hoohah hasn't been this awake and alive since giving birth to her now-toddler. Good times.

Not only is he bilingual but he has the skills of a trained puppy

On the group date we see Juan Pablo in his ELEMENT. Yes, he sure is on a soccer field, but I was referring to his natural habitat of being surrounded by multiple women in booty shorts and neon tank-tops. Not only do the ladies look coordinated, but again we see their intelligence shine as they make the deduction upon seeing the stadium that they MUST be there to play soccer. Yep. That's typically what is done at a soccer stadium... but perhaps you were hoping for a safari too?

The ladies split up red v. blue team and Juan plays ref as the girls fight nasty to impress and win. Sharleen gets hit in the face a bunch of times, but luckily laughs it off, unlike ladies on past seasons who would have called in an ambulance and claimed a combo of amnesia and a broken face. I'm proud of Sharleen for being a normal human (that is, until she ruins everything by making us suffer through the most awkward kiss of all time...twice... but we'll get there).

Gladly, the losing team doesn't have to go home which keeps the claws and tears from coming out. The crew heads back to the locker room to doll-up and the cocktail portion of the evening begins. All of the gals are hoping for more one-on-one time, and upon getting it, think that there is simply no way Juan is having the same kind of connection with any of the other nine ladies there. Aka - they are drinking the cool-aid and in for a rude awakening.

Little did Nikki and Andi realize, Juan Pablo was too busy having his face licked off by Sharleen to even remember what they all had talked about in the hot dog stand just minutes before. Who knew all that elegance and class could be so quickly ruined by a traumatic kiss. It was like two dogs licking chow off each others face. I used to think I liked Sharleen and now I just think she is covering her bat shit crazy with a cloak of insecurity and saliva. Not a fan.

The final date card arrives and is for Chelsie, the science educator (why don't we just have normal profession titles like "teacher")? Little did we know this was going to bring out the nasty in the other front-runner for a one-on-one, Elise, who is now dateless and hostile. Suddenly sweet and sentimental dead mommy girl becomes a raging loon, telling anyone who will listen how young and immature Chelsie is, and how Juan is crazy for not seeing that she has nothing to offer as a potential mother. Dear Elise - do you think you're making dead mommy proud by acting like a preteen on the brink of puberty? Also - telling a 21-year-old you think the 24-year-old is too young and immature just makes you look dumb. Lastly - Shut. Up. The only baby here is YOU.

Back on the soccer field, the rose goes to Nikki, who is cute and so far, not crazy - Sharleen flips a shit and starts to question if learning her kissing techniques from a Labrador was a strategic choice. Everyone is starting to question EVERYTHING.

The next day Juan Pablo picks up Chelsie for their date and decides to break the ice in the car by playing a song no American has heard of leaving Chelsie helpless to do anything but channel the chicks in the macarena music video, resulting in a passenger-seat booty shake no eyes should ever have to witness.

I'm sure Billy LOVED third-wheeling it.

After busting out a mean air-maraca, Chelsie is faced with yet another challenge - an extreme test of trust that all couples must endure to truly determine if there is a strong foundation from which to build a relationship - tandem ankle bungee jumping. The poor girl wants to throw-up her Venezuelan cheese sticks when overlooking the drop, and I don't blame her. Juan says he is interested to see how she responds to this big challenge - well the answer is hysterical crying. After tons of back-and-forth putting the producers in a mad panic that they aren't going to get their epic trademark "trust fall" footage, Chelsie finally finds her balls and takes the leap "of faith and trust, symbolic of the leap we must all take in relationships" - ugh, the whole metaphor makes me want to toss my cookies too. Oh! And let's not forget the Spiderman upside-down kiss - this show is just creating movie magic moments around every corner.

And then suddenly the unimaginable happens. These two sit down and ACTUALLY HAVE A CONVERSATION. Hold. The. Phone. They talk about career and fears, and how amazing it was to jump off a bridge together - total normal first date stuff. And just when you thought the awkward dancing portion of the day was long gone, Chelsie celebrates her rose by busting a move to Billy Currington's "Hey Girl." Country artists freakin love this show. These two are cute enough, their chemistry seems pretty real... and they clearly trust each other... what more could you need?

Finally the rose ceremony day is upon us, but instead of letting the girls bitch and cry at each other all day while setting their hair and adjusting their spanx for hours, Juan Pablo unexpectedly shows up at the mansion to make breakfast, initiate a pool party, and show us all that Kelly the bratz doll is even more uncool than we thought. Yeah, childishly ignoring Juan's presence and covering your made-up morning face as if you have a weird skin disease is not the way to make a good impression. Period. 

Extreme sports continued pool-side

Naturally, all the sun, booze and boobs flying around sets off panic for some of the girls who probably are just feeling gassy from the Spanish feast they just wolfed down before getting in bikinis. They seem to think it is because they didn't expect to be on a reality TV show competing for the attention of one man. AKA - they blacked out all of those seasons they watched the show, then applied to be on it and signed a contract to do just that.

I have officially decided that Sharleen is a closeted freak - it is very hard for me to believe this international Opera singer who has no problem kissing like a thirsty poodle on national TV would suddenly flip to a deeply insecure and camera shy cry baby... I am starting to wonder if the victim bull crap is all an act to suck him in. Not a fan.

Then of course, Clare, aka veneers, has a mental breakdown. She forgets that having a real profession has already put her leaps and bounds ahead of "dog lover" and "free spirit" both of whom are still frolicking pool-side having a dandy time with Juan Pablo while she cries her eyes out in the bathroom. Have you ladies ever watched this show before? I swear the producers men-in-black swipe their minds before the first day of taping. You signed up for this, wipe your tears and get over it.

Finally the rose ceremony is upon us. Ladies - take notes:
Things not to do at a rose ceremony -
1. Respond like a cheeseball in another language
2. Speak or pray out loud
3. Bother to show up if we haven't seen you speak on this show since you got out of the limo

Sorry but I forgot Christy even existed, so her demise wasn't shocking. As for Lucy's exit - I am shocked it happened before Danielle (another black sheep in my opinion...and not just because she is black... but come on.. she has gotten but two minutes of air-time the past three weeks). Lucy had a sweet goodbye. Christy got more air-time in her exit than she did the whole show. And just like that, the mansion doors closed on yet another extreme week in Bachelor world.

Can't wait to see where Juan's adventures take us next... maybe next week we will finally get to go on that safari in Pasadena... with Juan Pablo, anything is possible.