I hope the man I marry tastes like snow....?

The snow is pretty but what's your name again?

Tonight I was transported to a delightful snow globe, lifted in a private jet to a techni-color rave race and finished my evening on the floor of a bathroom stall with a raving loonitic. Was I tripping on acid, you ask? Oh no, just enjoying another night in Bachelor world.

Yes, Juan Pablo's adventure to find a mammacita for sweet Dora continues back in LA at the mansion. While Juan Pablo is off studying his American thesaurus to find new and diverse words to describe the ladies, the hoohahs are lounging poolside at the crazy den, getting naked, guzzling wine and flushing their midol down the toliet along with their sanity and class. OKAY fine, not all of them are nuts, but wow producers - you really hit the certifiable jackpot this go around. Well done.

Clare's date is up first and she is annoyingly tickled just at the chance to be in the company of a man. Before JP, she was not a person who had fun, went to bars or went on dates (wow, you sound like a real blast) DEAR CLARE - you do realize you have a significantly higher chance meeting a guy at a bar than you do at winning this show if you keep channeling Taylor Swift and crushing on your own father.

After being creepily blindfolded, Clare and JP arrive in a winter wonderland where they sled, ice skate, and prance around in the snow in LA - yes, by some rare stroke of God, ABC has discovered the power (endorsements) to out-wit even mother nature.

But if you ask me, their connection was as fake as the snow. This was less of a one-on-one date and more of a montage of one-on-one interviews with the producers. Might be the editing, but did they even speak to each other for the first half of the date? I guess it doesn't matter since meeting a guy like JP has flooded Clare with hope and sparkly feelings (called frost bite). Yes girl, we know it must feel so good to feel and be open to opening that open door that makes you feel like your feeling open again. Sounds really exciting (she clearly didn't read JP's thesaurus).

You're a great kisser but my dad was probably better at it.

Now that they have frolicked in a snow globe and not remotely discussed real life, it only makes sense that they would hop in the hot tub and discuss the other man in Clare's life....her father... ?! I'm sorry but deceased parents are not hot tub chatter. Save that shit for date three. But don't worry friends, she is not too distraught to "asssept" this rose, when suddenly the distant sound of music chimes through the crisp air. Clare starts thinking as she registers the sound Wait... wait just a minute... you mean to tell me that piano music isn't coming from your penis? When suddenly Haggard from Harry Potter appears to play us a song. They may be half naked, but they are whole hammered as they dance in the snow to some dude who is pissed he has to witness their grope-fest.

Back at the mansion, the ladies are killing time dancing around naked (and guys think this show is stupid?) and we discover that Kat (not to be confused with Kylie) has been given the second one-on-one date. When Juan comes to pick her up, she smittenly declares that there is no place she would rather be - hmm...you mean to tell me watching Lucy water the plants with her boobs hanging out isn't more fun? Somehow I find that hard to believe.

That looks... cozy.

Kat and JP excitedly get on a private jet, dress up in techni-color neon running clothes (instead of joining the mile-high club, since that wouldn't be appropriate until at least date three - he is a FATHER after all) and land in Utah where they have the distinct honor of leading the state's first Electric Run. Nothing like getting to know someone while running a marathon in the dark with over a thousand people swarming around you.

Despite the fact they have teleported to a sweaty frat party with strobe lights, Kat feels tons of "electricity" and potential between her and JP (so clever, that one). But if you ask me, Juan is more bedazzled by his own outfit than he is by Kat. Minimal talking, minimal connection - but of course she "assepts" the rose. To be fair, I guess it's too early for conversation, you guys. They have a whole 12 weeks to figure out if they want to spend the rest of their lives together, so why rush it? Rave on!

The next day, the disney princess and the opera singer are left at home with no date while Juaney boy escorts 13 lucky ladies to a charity-inspired photo shoot with a bunch of pups. They all swoon when he arrives and they see his elbow emerge from the vehicle - he is just so PERFECT! From his ear lobes to the long hair on his big toe - these ladies just can't get enough...

Let's cut to the group date chase - they all dress up, partner with their pooches, some ladies don't like their outfits, or don't want to pose nude, panic ensues, pictures are taken, Kelly ends up looking like a bird pooped on her chocolate-dipped alien face, and all is well in the world when the first grade teacher switches set-ups with the hippie to keep from posing naked and never getting hired again. Oh and let's not forget that the photographer's beard looked like a smurfs hoohah. And during this whole experience - Juan Pablo seems a little bored and barely interacts with the ladies who are too busy transforming into dog aliens.

But wait, there's more! That night, Cassandra admits she has a kid, and we all register that she is 21-years-old for the first time. Um. WHAT?!....21?!?! Man. I barely knew how to microwave a lean cuisine at 21. And then the real drama unfolds.

Highlights from the alcohol-induced-but-not-solely-responsible-bat-shit-crazy demise of Victoria:

• She wants to straddle the world

  

  This is what it looks like to lose your mind on national TV.

• She is really heroic and knows how to do the "hymen" manuever
• She is not a dog, she is just a bitch
• She wants to go home.
• She wants to go home. 
• PANIC. 
• She wants to go home. 
• HOME. HOME. HOME. 
• PANIC.
• The crazy train has left the station. And so has Victoria. THANK GOD.

Hey guys, she might have been a bat shit crazy train wreck, but at least she didn't projectile vomit. Small victories.

The many faces of Kelly

After Juan Pablo handled that "sitchyation," Kelly, the alien dog gets the rose. She is okay and she did earn it sporting that awful get-up all day.

In the event we were wondering what happened to Victoria, she ended up providing a very "heart-felt" apology to JP explaining that maybe she drank too much and she probably could have been a little more adult about it all. Wow. Just. Wow. He gave her the axe on the spot - amen. None of that Sean and Tierra crap that drove us nuts all season. Seems like JP has a decent head on his shoulders, which I appreciate. Lucy the hippie better be next. Get that girl some humility and a robe!

During the cocktail party Amy spent all of her quality time with Juan Pablo re-enacting a scene from The Anchor Man. This chick is peeing rainbows and I am mortified. Yes Belle - that conversation sure did flow because YOU DID ALL THE TALKING.

Renee is my favorite for now!

Juan Pablo made sure to make quality time for the elegant and timeless Sharleen who proved she is not a pretentious bitch but just insecure and quite classy. I'm on board and hope she goes far.

But my number one front-runner is Renee. Despite the fact she is playing mom of the house a little too often, I think she is a genuine gem and I get good vibes between her and JP. And let's make this clear, JP has a thing for mamas. Renee and Cassandra are both going to go far.

The disney princess gets the axe. Don't worry Belle, there must be more than this provincial life! Just keep on keeping on. As for Chantel, I hate to say it, but it was only a matter of time.

What a night friends. I am exhausted, but thoroughly entertained. Special thanks to Justine and Danica for the helpful commentary and of course for the breakout sing-session to Mariah Carey's I don't wannnnna cryyyyyyyy prompted by Chantel's exit.

Until next week!