It was a tough tough call... but the Grammy's had to win.

You win.

DEBACLE: Tonight, the 56th Annual Grammy Awards competed with The Bachelor Sean and Catherine's Wedding. Two live events, both pulling at my heart strings and yearning for my undivided attention. To schedule these two epic pop culture milestones at the same time is just simply the biggest first world problem I have encountered since my DVR forgot to record Celine Dion's Christmas Special. Who approved this crap?

Ain't nobody got time to double dip.

After facing the inevitable I figured my (15) readers would probably prefer to hear about the Bachelor wedding. We have done the award show thing oh so many times... Jared Leto and his ombre hairdo (who knew that style was unisex?) was already commented on in my Golden Globes post. Maybe it was time to switch it up? I have never reviewed a Bachelor Wedding and I even considered a drinking game that included taking a shot every time Catherine and Sean mention the much-anticipated "wedding night." (I am still trying to understand how they could possibly think we believe they haven't done it yet. I buy THAT as much as I buy Taylor Swift's enthusiasm for a rap performance).

Spock and Jesus (if Jerusalem had hair-dye).

But then I conducted a mass survey (in my head) and determined that of the two events, most of you would be watching the Grammy's live and recording the wedding (or just not watching it at all, to which I say - LAME). So I figured I would store up my Bachelor love for Juan's episode tomorrow night and forgo the drinking game to avoid alcohol poisoning.

With that lovely preamble out of the way, here are my thoughts on the 56th Annual Grammy Awards hosted by the ever-so-classy LL Cool Whip.. I mean J... I mean... since when is he still famous?!

THE RED CARPET -

• The ladies are towering tonight! I think all of the men grouped together in front of the "honey we shrunk the kids" machine... Seacrest - you are not alone. Kevin Hart is the smallest (drunkest) man I've ever seen. 
• Julianna Rancic looks amazeballs and left the alien-look to Lorde. 
• Katy Perry is wearing a gigantic doughnut on her head and sheet music on her skirt. And yet, of the two outfits she wore this evening, that was the winner.
• I don't know when we were transported to another planet.....Madonna is wearing a grill, Kacey Musgraves is actually smiling, Taylor Swift is too pretty to even annoy me, Gavin Degraw was invited?!
• If Ronald McDonald had a mother, she would look like Cyndi Lauper.
• Where is Lady GaGa to make everyone else look tame?

THE SHOW BEGINS - 

Beyonce needs a blow-dryer.

• Beyonce lost her weave, woke up in the kitchen doing something bleeped out...she's straddling shit. She's swerving and surfing on his "good good." Wow. Lot's going on here. Listen - when you're Beyonce and Jay Z this behavior is allowed and acceptable. Taylor Swift (who looks like she ate a pot brownie before the show) certainly agrees in the over-played "Taylor reaction" crowd shot.

Someone grab a bible, stat.

• I am terrified of Lorde. I feel like I'm watching Diane Keaton re-enact the exorcist.
• This song by Hunter Hayes is beautifully written but his delivery sadly sounds like someone is suffocating Rascal Flatts.
• Katy Perry - let's not be a Geisha tonight... oh... but let's not be a wannabe Disney witch either?! If I was playing with magic I would change most of what is happening here.
• Hmm.. Chicago and Robin Thicke - where are your foam fingers?

• 

  Lost your cool in the back of a barbershop.

   
• Keith Urban decided to channel Bieber's haircut to make the lyrics of his song "Cop Car" more believable. Except he fell short and ended up with a cockatoo. And that high dude just messed up his lyrics. Blasphemy all around.

Two month break-ups are really rough.

• In the words of my sweet friend Sara G. "John Legend just got me pregnant."
• Taylor Swift - you look stunning - truly. You are on pitch - so far. But there is that hair flip we know all too well... you are going to seriously break your neck. And the mean-muggin glare at the end - a little dramatic.
• Pink just made Taylor Swift look like a complete asshole. Freakin. Incredible. She flew in the air like a cirque du soleil star and still sang every note immaculately. I mean. Holy shit. 

TSwift's hair flips can suck it.

• Ringo Star.... You have a 17 piece band for a song that sounds like it should be on Sesame Street. You better pray Paul McCartney comes out to save us all. HE DOESN'T. What?!
• Jamie Fox - stick with Ray Charles. Your British is embarrassing and you're dragging out this presentation painfully by hitting on Beyonce. Awkward doesn't cover it. 
• WHERE IS JUSTIN FREAKIN TIMBERLAKE?! To which MaryAnn responds "he is too busy surprising MasterCard holders" (unacceptable).
• A lot of people dressed in white just rapped their faces off to a cacophony of sound which gave Taylor Swift the opportunity to show people how thug she really is from the audience. Meanwhile, I prayed it would all just stop. 
• Paul comes to save Ringo - the Beatles reunite in a legendary performance with that tiny munchkin Yono Oko... (I mean Yoko Ono?... too immersed to google) prancing along in the crowd. But the hair-whipping video montage in the background was strange - Taylor, do you really have to be apart of everything?
• Bruno Mars - you are super talented and that was a lovely speech, so I forgive you for winning over JT. Especially since he isn't there. But ordinarily I would be pissed.
  

  

  How I felt when the show went beyond 10pm.

• Classic country performance with Willie Nelson, Blake Shelton, Kris Kristofferson and Merle Haggard - I can't hate on the vocals since they are legends... so that is all I will say
• Kacey Musgraves wins for best country album. I'm kind of in shock... it is a clever album but vocally... it's just not a winner for me over the others in the category. But hey - pretty bad ass for her!
• Stevie Wonder made that performance epic. 
• Sara Bareilles showed Taylor Swift how to perform on a piano - add in Carol King and what you get is an exquisite performance.
• Lorde is back to win song of the year for Royals. MaryAnn thinks she might be an alien. I agree.
• The Metallica tribute is just... the epitome of when DVR comes in handy. I'd love to see Taylor Swift try to jam to THIS headache.
• If I was concerned about a random man on a playground, he would look like Stephen Tyler but damn can he still sing / scream on pitch
• The robots Daft Punk won record of the year (how is this different than album?). What am I missing with the robot thing? I am so disinterested I think I'm going to take a bathroom break. 
•  It is 10pm... Why is this show still on?
• Mackelmore and Ryan Lewis's performance became a flash mob wedding? So very interesting. Madonna is dressed like a virgin cowgirl straight out of the nursing home... people are exchanging rings, kissing and crying... so much is happening. Where is Taylor Swift to tell me how I should feel?
• Lovely tribute to those who have passed.... ooooup and here is Yoko Ono again - confirmed. Yoko. 
• Album of the Year - PRAYING FOR SARA TO WIN..... come on.... ARE YOU SERIOUS?! THE ROBOTS AGAIN? What the hell.... I'm going to bed. We KNOW how Taylor feels about THIS.....

And that concludes another award show evening with yours truly. If you were hoping I commented on the wedding instead... at certain moments in this show, so did I. But check out tomorrow's Bachelor post for some nuggets on the wedding and of course for a review of the latest episode of Juan's adventure to find love!

[PS - right about now since that wedding was live, Catherine and Sean are doing it "for the first time." You're welcome for that insight].

[PSS (or is it PPS?...whatever) - Thank you to all my friends who texted throughout the show and contributed to the humor and commentary of the evening. You all keep me witty and I appreciate it :)]