Hilarity and PANIC sweep The Golden Globes

I love award shows because they remind us that celebrities are people too - people who skip eating solid foods to look their best, people who panic when they can't find their way or know what to say, people who need actual glasses to read, people who have wardrobe malfunctions, and people who are told to "shut up" (even if in this case it is with grandiose instrumental music).

Last night was my absolute favorite of all award shows - the 71st annual Golden Globe Awards. And so naturally, as you have come to expect, here is the play-by-play of my every real-time thought.

Designer: Reddi-Wip

Highlights from the red carpet special: 

Big Bird poses with the elderly.

• Did I miss the memo where Matt Lauer went blind? What is up with the ugly shades?
• Oh no. Lena Dunham - why? why? why? You are the coolest girl ever but you look like a pregnant tattooed version of big bird.
• Zooey Deschanel is dressed as if "elderly" is the new black.
• Hayden Panettiere's hair is channeling sonic the hedgehog.
• Taylor Swift looks lovely (even though I don't understand why she is here) 
• Flawless: Jennifer Lawrence, Sandra Bullock, Bradley Cooper among many others you can check out on Fashion Police. 
• Soap box moment: I wish all the women would stop talking about how little they have eaten to prepare for the carpet. On one hand, at least they are honest that they are not genetically glamorous, but at the same time it is endorsing this idea that we should feel guilt for eating - Not cool.

PAUSE.  On that note, I'm going to proudly grab a cookie (sorry NOT sorry), before I start the actual show. 

OKAY HERE WE GO!

• Tina Fey and Amy Poehler both look stunning and have taken care of any humor I could impart to the intro of the show.
  

  

  They are pure genius

• Jennifer Lawrence wins for American Hustle - WOO! She looks stunning and let's get real, she is all of our best friend. She didn't face plant on her way to the stage this year, so that's another win.
• Jacqueline Bisset - a. Who are you? b. Are you shocked or having a stroke? This is painful.
• You would think the pathway to the stage had land mines the way people are awkwardly navigating to the podium.
• There is now an old man thanking people I don't know for stuff I haven't seen... thank goodness for DVR. 
• Elizabeth Moss also has no clue how to get to the stage. The seating set-up is a true disaster - they should have equipped everyone with a freakin' GPS. 
• President of the Hollywood Foreign Press... thank goodness for DVR. 
• Teleprompter PANIC.
• MIRACULOUS - Bryan Cranston can actually find the stage and speak words at the podium.
• Only in America do we have a show called Masters of Sex nominated for an award. 
• I thought P Diddy was going to pull a Kanye West when Alex Ebert was recognized for

  

  EVERYONE PANIC.

  his ability to craft a perfect birds nest on the tip top of his head using only hair and a banana clip. Also - someone should tell his girlfriend to lay off the eye-brow pencil. 
• Who knew Usher was so short? Who knew Kate Beckinsale was going to be able to move her face with all of that botox. 
• OH This is why Taylor Swift is here... for "writing" Sweeter Than Fiction. Sorry TSwift - this isn't every other award show where you win everything. Bono is in attendance. 
• Olivia Wilde you are PURE PERFECTION. You make me want to get knocked up and wear and sparkly green dress just so I can be more like you.
• Amy Adams for the win for American Hustle! You are a delight in this and every other film you have done - specifically Enchanted.
• Jared Leto - gentle reminder. You are at the Golden Freakin Globes - not Bonaroo. Brush your "sun-in" dyed ponytail for God's sake. Luckily your stunning face and cheeky speech made up for it.
• Emma Thompson is a gem who is also now on that shoe designers black list until the end of time.  
• Foreign Language film...... thank goodness for DVR. 
• Melissa McCarthy is hilariously channeling Matt Damon. If only her dress was channeling something attractive. 

  

  Snuggies now come with bedazzeled scarfs

• WOOOHOOOO FROZEN WINS FOR ANIMATED FILM!!!! THIS IS THE MOST EXCITED I HAVE BEEN ALL NIGHT!! Pause, rewind, search for Idina Menzel in the audience, sigh when she is no where to be seen, but then relive the excitement all over again.
• Amy Poehler wins for Parks and Recreation! Happy for her, but let's get real, I'm just glad I didn't have to see Lena Dunham try to get to the stage in that neon yellow contraption. 
• I'm trying to figure out if Woody Allen is still alive....and there it is. Yep - he is no longer with us. - but this tribute is on crack. Why is Diane Keaton (who always insists on dressing like Ellen DeGeneres) singing a nursery rhyme? Make it all stop.
• LEO FOR THE WIN. Dear Leonardo DiCaprio - I am sadly not encouraged to see your movie because my mom said I would have nightmares of the f-word, greed, murder and rape for weeks on end, however - I will love you forever and never let go...(Jack).
• AMERICAN HUSTLE FOR THE WIN! I did NOT see this coming, but out of all of the films, this is the one I actually saw, so the takeaway here is that I'm super on trend you guys. NBD. 
• Cate Blanchett is pure elegance. And yes - we can hear the music too. 
• I'm personally glad Matthew Mcconaughey started eating solid foods again and I will admit, the spray tan was a nice touch to add a healthy glow. Well done with an entertaining speech. The men are really holding it all together this year.
• Johnny Depp must have used Jared Leto's sun-in. 
• 12 Years a Slave takes the win for motion-picture- drama. I am sure the film is great, but I feel like I have been watching this show for 12 years and I'm just praying this is the last award. 

WE MADE IT! Great show. I'm all out of words and you're all out of minutes to procrastinate from your Monday, so with that, I'm signing off (with this cheesy salutation) - Stay golden!