Just be.

Okay fine. I know the answer. It's this.

There is a question I often ask myself - especially as I approach my birthday, on the other end of which I will officially be past the half-way mark of my twenties. And since our twenties are the decade society has determined we should spend furiously calculating the foundation for our entire life [career path, soul mate, house, child-plan / bun-in-the-oven / two small children running around], I have been asking myself this question more often than not.

What do I really want to be when I grow up?

My answer? I have no freakin clue.

This idea of "growing up" is something I have come to realize happens very slowly. So slowly in fact, that until you sit down to really reflect on everything you have weathered and how far you've come, it feels as if it isn't happening at all (well, let's get real, it feels like it's happening to my ass every time I  eat a cupcake, but you see, I'm mostly referring to the increase of courage, direction, motivation, mental clarity and emotional growth - not the fat on my ass).

In my experience, I used to always link knowing to growing. I thought that it was only when I had captured the wisdom to know the answer that I was capable and worthy of taking the next step forward. In turn, I would find myself feeling extremely stunted, because right now, like most of us, I don't know jack. I have no idea what my real life's grand purpose is and how that should translate eloquently to my career, relationships and investments. And in lieu of knowing these things, I drink a lot of wine and eat a lot of cheese, feeling like an outlier in some mystical upward trend to awesome.

For some of us, this may look like staying in a dead-end, soul-sucking job, relationship and/or city because we don't know what to do instead. For all of us, it feels like being stuck, unsure of what the "best" or "right" thing to do is, magnified by this misconception we are supposed to be perfect, constantly moving forward, changing the world and kicking ass, all while staying really fit - because what is success without rock hard abs?

WHATEVER FRANCINE - you have problems too.

Where does this misconception come from? Well, we do that thing that EVERYONE does - we look around and think - damn, everyone else seems to have it so figured out (thanks Facebook for that delusional dump to our self-esteem). We think - Lou Lou just passed the bar exam and is going to become the world's best lawyer. Francine just had a baby with her adorbs husband who makes six figures so she can stay home and instagram pics of her body miraculously snapping back into size 2 shape. And Paprika, who lived down the hall from you freshman year of college who you spoke to maybe a total of 3.5 times (being drunk only accounts for 0.5 of a conversation), well she just won the freakin lottery.

After measuring yourself against (stalking) these people for hours, you end up feeling completely alone and left behind. You think - I might as well have the maturity of a teenie bopper with nothing figured out, outside of which lip-smackers flavor and boy band is the best in all the land.

But guess what - they don't know jack either. They might be skinny and rich, but whatever - their names are Lou Lou, Francine and Paprika so likely the universe decided to throw them one. We all have questions in our lives, pauses, tragedies, ailments and misunderstandings that scar our security and injure our sense of self. We are all facing something and no matter how old we get, we will never have it all figured out. We may never fully "grow up" but that doesn't mean we're not growing.

We are - every day. With every glass of wine and every cube of cheese, we are moving forward (and becoming more constipated, but whatever, that's my issue, not yours). We may feel like we are the only ones not following a magical trail of bread crumbs leading to the promise land of an awesome life. But perhaps instead of panicking that you haven't found a crumb, buy a whole damn loaf of bread, bust it open Aladdin-style with a friend (or a monkey named Abu), and stop hating on yourself.

Doesn't this look like more fun than self-loathing?

The crumb will come eventually. And if you have the courage to follow it, it will lead to another crumb. And it might not feel like it at all, but when you look back on this decade you will see so many crumbs, so much growth and so much success. Just make one small step toward something that makes you happy in this moment and stop worrying so much about what you're going to be when "this" or when "that."

Just be who you are right now. Do what makes you happy. The rest will figure itself out.

How do I know this, if I don't know jack? The truth is I'm not certain of any of this. But this is what I tell myself to get unstuck. This is what I tell myself to feel hopeful and happy. This is what I tell myself to legitimize my bread, cheese and wine intake.

And so, I thought I would tell it to you too.