Kiss on the cheek is the kiss of death

Yes, you made this ugly cry happen. YOU.

Dear Juan Pablo,
Last week when I was in Magic Kingdom believing in the beauty of fairy tales and prince charming, you were busy becoming a massive tool. The girls were super excited to be in the real nature of Vietnam and sail around in sewer water and you ruined everything by being a flimsey, inconsistent piece of crap. You made Renee's palms hurt, you made Sharleen want to become a freakin Panda, Nikki felt like she stuck her finger in a light socket and let's not forget how you willingly agreed to make Clare's hoohah feel shiny and new again in the salty ocean waves. YOU are doing these things. Take some responsibility for why these women feel the way they feel. Maybe it was the heat of Vietnam, or maybe it was the sheer existence of your daughter since you like to blame sweet little Dora whenever convenient for your inability to own your actions with these women, but you're melting into a douchey, less articulate version of the man we met on episode one. And it is NOT magical.
 
Sadly, this pattern did not change in last night's episode as I had hoped it would. 

Last night Juan (ABC) took the remaining eight lovely ladies to the beautiful countryside of New Zealand - now, for the record, THAT is a destination. Finally something with a little sparkle (no offense Vietnam and South Korea... I am sure you guys are great too).

The ladies in their lulu lemon best pranced around their swanky digs, super excited to see what might happen upon their arrival... wait? What on earth could this be?! A date card?! How unexpected and delightful. I wonder who could be on it? What?! The one girl who hasn't had a one-on-one date yet?! How unexpected! So far, this episode is full of revelations (and even more sexual innuendos....). Meanwhile, in the back corner of the suite, Renee and Cassandra are showing off their ability to master the delicate pretty-cry, which really proved to us viewers how real this is getting. To be clear - it's getting really real, you guys. Oh, and let's not forget scary - it is really scary too.

If Juan Pablo's pants could talk

Andi's date is first and she could not be more thrilled to heat things up with Juan. They speed through the water in a mode of transportation that disabled all ability to hear one another and remotely converse. But hey - adventure trumps conversation and apparently things are about to erupt, so it's perfectly acceptable to leave the small talk until then. After explaining to Erik that no, there is nothing wrong with that girl's hair, we watch them exit the speed boat and enter a cryptic rock squeeze entrance to a cave. No time to talk about family and values now, Andi's too busy inching her way between a rock and Juan's hard place, which in turn proved that she can really trust him to stick up for her when she needs him the most. To finish off, they have dinner in another cave where any remote hope for real conversation like "so what is your last name?" and "what do you do again for living?" is hijacked by the eruption of a geyser. Everything around them becomes wet. We have established a lot of deep and meaningful connections on this date, and Andi goes home dripping with excitement (ew... I even grossed myself out with that one). Bottom line here is - we have determined they have tons of chemistry, and not much else.

Back at the resort, the group date card comes and we saw just how bad of an actress Clare is as she expressed her genuine surprise to have the second one-on-one date this week. Dear Clare - when The Bachelor has sex with you and then humiliates you by making you think you raped him and tarnished his "dad of the year" reputation on national TV, he's gonna throw you another bone(r). Meanwhile, the other girls are too busy picking their weapon to whack her over the head with to even notice.

On the group date we learned many things. First, we learned that New Zealand is just like Ohio but with hills. We also learned that Cassandra, the beautiful, single mom, has tacked a whole 12 months on being of legal age. And lastly, we learned to what degree of a tool Juan really is... But first, the girls got wet, jumped inside large balls in bikinis and rolled down a hill. Nikki got in Juan's ball and they made-out.... in fact most of these girls got make-outs today, until we are reminded that Renee is a single mom and she is special so she only gets a tiny besito (JUAN - GET OVER IT. Yes, she is a mom, but guess what that actually means?! She has a functioning hoohah with needs just like the rest of these chicks! Do you have to bring up her mom status every single time you two talk? Renee is too busy massaging her palms to care). Meanwhile, Sharleen did what she does best - lead with the tongue. And in the end, the birthday girl, Cassandra, gets the boot. Juan Pablo has been thinking with his ding-dong all week. You can claim this was "honorable"... but I think all this "you're a mom, you're special" bull shit is just a way for him to not look like a bad guy when he doesn't want to jump a girl's bones. I am over it.

Finally it is Clare's turn to explain to Juan that she never meant to take advantage of him and it was never her intention to disrespect his daughter. I couldn't even hear the whole conversation (at least they were actually talking for once...) and Erik was too busy holding back my hair back while I VOMITED to fill me in. OH MY GOD CLARE....I know you missed the big rolling ball date BUT GET A PAIR and stop letting Juan get away with making you think that 1. His four-year-old daughter isn't too busy watching Dora the Explorer to tune into this show, 2. He was not a willing participant and 3. That what he said to you on that hill was an actual apology.... I'M SO OVER IT.

Then they did what they do best - got drunk, made out, and talked about what they talked about just five minutes earlier. Some deep stuff going on this week, you guys. True love all around. Also - am I the only one who thinks that Clare sounds hearing-disabled when she is drunk? Anyone else?

Kat: Why aren't we talking more about my personal pain?

We finally made it to the cocktail party, and at this point my sweet boyfriend who claimed he would never watch this show "EVER" is debating with me on who is going to get kicked off... the power of The Bachelor, ladies and gentlemen. I won the bet - Kat gets the ax after one too many sob stories. Kat - haven't you learned anything about Juan? He doesn't actually care about your past, your family, your history or what makes you who you are as a person. He cares about besitos and being a "good" dad. Treating your one-on-one time like therapy is never a good strategy. But since you have been told your whole life how amazing you are and what a catch you are, I am sure you will find someone some day. If you ask me, you dodged a bullet.

OH BUT WAIT - Sharleen doesn't feel like an understood panda tonight?! Wipe your tears and get over it... you're going somewhere tropical (that I can't remember right now) and I am sure Juan's magical reception of your dog kiss will make everything all better.

Scenes for next week look exciting - this is the point in the season when it really gets GOOD. I think Chelsie is definitely on the way out soon, and if I had to make a prediction, I think the final two will be Nikki and Clare - but maybe Sharleen.... who knows. What I DO know is that Erik can't wait to watch next week. I converted a solider you guys - be proud.