Endless possibility.

Another Christmas has come and gone. I cannot believe how quickly it flies by. In that moment, when you first wake up on Christmas day, it is like a breath of fresh air that you have been waiting for all year. But when it ends, and you put your head on your pillow at the end of a long family-filled day - one beginning with presents and possibility wrapped perfectly underneath the Christmas tree and ending with a tummy full of pumpkin pie - unlike the feeling in your stomach, there is a sort of emptiness that follows in your heart. I imagine it is similar to how a bride feels once the wedding is over, or how a college graduate feels the moment after throwing those stylistically challenged hats up in the air. Once anticipation is replaced with reality, sometimes the aftermath, as wonderful as the result might have been, is a lonely place.

My result was wonderful. Christmas was great and everything I hoped it would be. I could not have asked for a better day with my family and friends, and delicious food and wine and cheese :). But I find it a little sad how just 24 hours later, listening to Christmas music feels wrong, the lights on the tree are dimmed and the little girl inside of me who still believes in Santa must take a back seat to "adult Jenny" who has to start thinking about reality again.

I understand the routine by now. But this year it hits a bit harder than I would like to admit. Never before has the idea of next year held so many unknowns - Where will I be living? Who will I be living with? Where will I be working? Will I be happy? I try to embrace the unknown, and look forward to it of course, but I would be lying if I said it didn't scare me.

Sometimes I wish I could be more like Ike. He just lives his life one day at a time, not letting the future scare him too much, not letting emotions about the future cloud the right now. It is so simple for him. Or so it seems. For all I know he is just as scared as I am in that sweet head of his, but he battles that himself. Whereas I, permanent open book, feel the need to spill my guts about everything I feel in the exact moment I feel it. Pros and cons to both, I think. But thank goodness for him, because he seems pretty confident everything is going to work out for me, and that makes me feel calmer. Either that or he just reminds me how crazy I am, and in an attempt to appear more sane, I forget all about my million worries.

The day after Christmas I had the most amazing night with my best girl friends out on the town in downtown Raleigh to celebrate my 21st birthday. My mom got all the girls a limo and it was one of the most fun nights of my life. To celebrate with the most important women in my world and just dance and laugh under the roof of our limo, a blanket of stars downtown and well... under the influence :) will be a memory I will have forever.

So as I said, with the end of the year, comes great reflection for someone like me, who never really stops thinking.... about everything.... all the time. The number one thing on my list this year is trying to understand why my romantic karma has not quite been in line these past few years. I know you can't have it all, and everything else from school, to travel and friendship has worked out quite well with the exception of the usual hiccups here and there. But when it comes to relationships or even dare I say the L word, my timing is off or there is just always a catch. Be it age, availability, oversight or fear, there seems to always be something in the way. I hope 2010, this new decade and this new era in my life shifts that a bit. That little girl inside of me who still believes in Santa is the same little girl who believes in Cinderella and happy endings, and I am desperately hoping she is right. And sooner rather than later.

So yes, as I end 2009 - a roller coaster year I am so grateful for - I have hopes and fears and all the normal jumble of emotions someone like me (highly analytical and emotional, almost to a fault) would have. But don't get me wrong, it does excite me. The past four years have been so incredible. Crazy and challenging and I have grown so much. I can see that now more than ever. So I cannot imagine what is in store next. This time period as we enter the new year is like the launching pad for the beginning of this brand new shift. And I say bring it on.

Because in the end, there will always be those times when expectation and anticipation absolutely overshadow the moment altogether, leaving you feeling alone or let down, or maybe just sad, like the day after Christmas. But then there are those nights that take you by surprise and you do things and meet people you never expected. I guess that is the beauty of it all. In the words of Forrest Gump, you never know what you are going to get. And that part - the possibility that everything can change in a moment and shift your world in the best possible way - keeps me going. And is exactly why I am such a big proponent of boxes of chocolate. Wouldn't you agree?