If ONLY verizon wireless had a cable service.

More like, att&t U-suck

[Preface: I know these are "first world problems" and that children are starving in Africa and that I should be grateful to have a roof over my head. And I am - if you know me, you know that. But we all have moments we just need to express our frustrations with a little comic relief...]

Dear Customer Service Reps at ATT U-verse:

Hi. My name is Jenny Cupero. Oh wait, you know that because we have spoken on the phone every single day for the past week, sometimes more than once a day. You all have asked me for my phone number far more times this week than any man at a any bar ever has. I'm not flattered. Do you not have caller id? I was thinking about putting your number on my speed dial and then I remembered, why bother when I already have it memorized. In fact, it flies from my fingers with rage. I have your automated man's questions also memorized. NO! I don't remember my account number. YES!  This is a home. HOME! I said HOME! No, I do not want to push "2 / dos" to have this read to me in espanol. TECHNICAL SUPPORT. TECHNICAL FREAKIN SUPPORT. I hope automated man doesn't have feelings because if he does, I crapped all over them.

Then after automated man and I have our small talk, you finally get on the phone. Sometimes I understand what you're saying, and sometimes I most certainly do not. You, however, say you completely understand my frustrations? Well that is great - but unless you also understand that a lot has been going on in my life and ALL I WANT is to be able to watch Real FREAKIN Housewives to feel like my life, in fact, is perfect in comparison - you really DON'T UNDERSTAND my frustration. Once we get through the potential language barrier, you ask me for my phone number again. Did automated man not send you the message? He sucks at communicating. I think I'm going to break up with him. What is the problem, you ask? Well the problem is after having my box installed on Friday of last week, it has persisted to punk out every single day since the installation. Your technicians and I have shared deep conversations as I get pulled away from work for hours to let them into the apartment. We laugh, we cry. We commiserate over a tub of Ben and Jerry's, but do we fix the problem? No. We cannot. Because you sent me the wrong technician, or the wrong equipment, or simply don't show up at all during my time window. Oh and let's not forget how special the highly informative and courteous text message I received at 7pm on Thursday after four days of "fixing the problem" that said "still wrking on prob." I might have teared up in the middle of TJ Maxx.

What is even better - truly the cherry on top - is that after celebrating the resolution of this hot mess just this past Friday - one whole week of daily ATT interruptions to my Bravo addiction later - the entire city of Nashville ends up having a Uverse outage on the night of the Emmy Awards leaving me again with no cable.

No, I don't want to take up reading. Yes, this IS A BIG DEAL. When you are living alone for the first time in your entire life during fall premiere season, and you are sick of stuffing mac and cheese in your face for comfort, you just want a little cable.

So what can you do for me since I am completely STUCK WITH YOU since my building won't let me go to the lesser of two evils, Comcast? I'm thinking the friends and family discount, since I call you people more than I call my mom. I'm thinking that perhaps you all could get your shit together so that I can attempt to cope using cable to get my shit together. And I'm also thinking that it would be really awesome if I didn't have to speak to you anymore. It's been fun and real kind of cute, but I'm over it, so please. PLEASE, do something that makes me NOT want to throw a knife through the phone. I'm really a nice girl. Don't make me use my new tazer.

Sincerely, and with the utmost patience and gratitude,
Jenny