We're not in Nashville anymore....

COUNT THEM. 5.

Last night I was ripped out of my Honky Tonk haze as I experienced a sampler platter of true pop culture - the American Music Awards. Don't get me wrong, I can get down with a little Call Me Maybe and while Nicki Minaj's pillow-top ass and even larger attitude still baffles me, her jams are great dancing songs. I am not completely removed from top 40 music by any means if not for the variety, for the fact that I love the sound of Ryan Seacrest's voice on the radio. But last night's award's show still left me with many thoughts as I watched the show that I want to share with you.
[Disclaimer - some of these comments may make you questions my musical coolness. I am aware and I accept it]. 

1. Usher is still popular? And apparently he is now a contemporary robot dancer. And he is lip synching. Cool. But I am glad to see the the 90's handsfree mics are still in fashion. He was rocking it B Spears style - it's only there for show, with the built in freedom to lock and drop it. 

2.  Carly Rae Jepsen is NOT going to sing power ballad Call Me Maybe?... oh wait... here it comes. Thank GOD. What would this awards show be without this lyrical gem.

This was just emotional. Nothing but love.

3. Kelly Clarkson is unreal. Her voice is just flawless tonight. And Catch My Breath is a fist pumping musical treat. Let's get real for a minute. The montage made me teary-eyed. Thinking back on my days actually voting for American Idol on a land-line phone. THROW BACK. But someone needs to fire her stylist stat and tell her that flock of seagulls hair style should stay in the 80's forever.

4. Gwen Stefani is a vampire. The woman NEVER ages.

FGL ON TV! PRESENTING!

5. Finally - some true country boys representing - THE Florida Georgia Line - presented Taylor Swifts performance and looked amazing doing it. So proud and in awe of how quickly they are climbing up the charts. Seems like just yesterday we were listening to them play in Jordan and MaryAnn's living room. Surreal.

Taylor Coordinated and a Carter Twin.

6. Woah. Stop it. Just wait. Is this really happening?! Taylor Swift is singing AND looks coordinated. And there was only ONE CHOREOGRAPHED HAIR FLIP. Can it be?!? I am not feeling uncomfortable or experiencing second-hand embarrassment.  Am I being punked? Side note: The little masquerade blondie boy looks like a Carter Twin (which P.S. I saw one in church today).

7. Nicki Minaji's wig makes me want cotton candy. And her ass makes me feel skinny.

8. Dang, the song hasn't even started and Pink is upside down already. This is going to be good. Who knew she was Dancing With the Stars material?! She is really singing while she is dancing. See - its possible! There's fire, and glass. And she is balancing a muscle man on her pelvis. I am just in awe.

Breathtaking.

9. ALL FIVE BSB BACK TOGETHER AGAIN? [blackout]  I couldn't tell you if that segment was exciting. I just saw Kevin and lost my shit.

10. Nick Carter just told Carly Rae to Call Him Maybe. LUCKY! That is my 1996 dream come true.

11. Difference between Nashville and everywhere else. In Nashville we play our own guitars. Biebs. You don't need a hands-free mic if you are just going to sit there gesticulating with your little boy hands and grabbing your couch a lot. And stealing Usher's entire dance break. [Hush hush you super fans. I am not a hater. I love the Biebs - it just had to be said].

Justin's thoughts: Are you carrying a small child in your ass?

12. Nicki Minaj just rapped about Selena. Twitter is about to BLOW UP. And I think her ass might too.

13. Heard from backstage - "Quick! producers - turn the mic on at the end of every performance so the audience hears breathing and assumes the performer actually sang the whole song."

Biebs should wear this underwear to make sure his crouch is secure.

14. Christina Aguilera is even lip synching... and she is dressed like a Pepto Bismol fairy...wait.. until she is lowered down from the pile of questionable men and descends from the trailer..... Spray tan. Check. Dominatrix trailer park. Check. Glittery stockings, Check. And now its a drag queen show. Wow. This must be what taking acid is like (which I wouldn't know. I might as well have a D.A.R.E. bumper sticker on my forehead).

15. Hey I am not sure if you guys noticed - it's been pretty discrete - but the BRAND NEW Samsung Galaxy phone is sponsoring this show. I know. Shocking insider information. You're welcome.

16.  "Everyday is your birthday. Now hit the floor. And dance like a black girl." Wow. I can't believe that is a lyric of our generation's popular music. And yet... OKAY! Noted and done.

17. And here comes Hayden Panera-bread who thinks she is music royalty now that she is auto-tuned in an ABC series. She drives me nuts.

18. Who the hell is Tyga?

19. Carrie rocked her deep squat sway and stomp during her flawless performance and she is a winner! Good for her. But I'm worried about her marriage. Hubs got a quick hug and then he got "pursed."

An epic talent and the next "Hair Club for Men" spokesperson

20. I love Dick Clark. Stevie Wonder is amazing but his dreads are receding.

21. Biebs wins again. His mom looks 25... explain that math to me. And he is speechless and it's a little painful - and you can tell he is trying to get out some declaration to his "haters" and all of those Team Selena, but can't seem to find the words... someone cut him off...

22. After that winning performance of Gangnam Style, I dreamed in Japanese. 

Final statistics: 
Number of Backstreet Boys: 5 (still peeing my pants on that one)
Number of Justin Bieber Crouch Grabs: 17 (Justin. You are not Michael Jackson. Therefore, you either need to see a doctor, get leather skinny pants with more support or just cut it out).
Number of lip synched performances: Too many to count
Number of Nicki Minaj wigs: Too many to count
Number of shots Luke Bryan had after winning and before presenting: Too many to count

Overall friends it was quite the show. Many songs have now officially been added to my car ride with sister playlist (this is when we drive around just so we have a sound free area to sing our faces off, and scare others on the road with our enthusiasm). Hope you had a chance to check it out, and if not - well now, you get the idea.