Lookin so CRAZY in love

"I'm like Mother Mary... a small part of a bigger plan."

This week's episode of The Bachelor begins where we left off last week – Chris is basking in the glory of being adored by intoxicated barbies, feeling only just a little bad for sending home perfectly normal girls in exchange for chicks who have been plucked from the asylum.

Kimberly, who was just sent home, comes back into the mansion to steal Chris away "to chat" and the girls, who just moments ago were panicked they would be alongside her in limos to the airport, have become entitled brats.

The beautiful but slightly desperate Kimberly pleas for Chris to give her a second chance (in complete daylight) while the rest of the exhausted  and hostile hoohahs sit on the floor of the crazy den.... I mean mansion... bitching and moaning. ABC - was furniture not in your budget?

Kimberly explains to Chris that last night an angel appeared to her and told her of her divine purpose on a reality show called The Bachelor. Chris hears nothing as he ruminates over what is happening. Um - ABC - I thought you said once I reject the girls, they leave my sight forever? THIS is not THAT. Chris Harrison - what am I ever to do with this beautiful lady I've known for 15 seconds who is crying at me? Chris H., in a true yoda fashion, shares his wisdom by saying "This is your life." Wow. It doesn't get much more profound than that.

The ladies finally find some furniture when Chris drags Kimberly back in to stay, commending her "bravery." What is brave is that this chick is now willing to live with a group of women who want to kill her in her sleep.

And this is all before the opening credits.... 

The next morning (more like five hours later, the same day) Chris H. surveys the women on their first evening at the house. The ladies admit that last night was, like, a TOTAL BLURRR..... yeah. Gals - this is not rocket science - an IV of champagne will have that effect.

Next up is the BIG SHOCKER (which I actually thought was normal for every season, but I guess not) – in a big twist contrived to encourage the women's bad behavior, Chris will live 15 feet away from the ladies' mansion. In case you're still putting this all together, that means that in addition to turning dating into a competitive sport, The Bachelor is also a big supporter of unwanted pregnancy. The way this is starting off, Chris rewards women like Kimberly who "show bravery" and fight for him – so I think it is safe to say we can expect spider-man style wall-scaling nightly from the girls.

"Group dates are just super hard...no wait, that's my crotch"

Group date #1: A pool party - duh. 
After splashing around in the pool as a group, Kimberly and Chris have some half-naked one-on-one time. Discussions of love growing like the crotch of his pants.... or something like that...occurs.

Megan and Jillian's blurred butt crack (maybe she laughed and a little poop came out?) sneak into Chris's room. Whilst inside, Megan makes a committed effort to lose brain cells by smashing her helmeted-head up against every surface in the room. Dear Megan - I am not sure how many brain cells you have to start with, so it would be wise to play it safe.

"Iowa must be like, totally awesome."

Later, the classyness continues as Chris challenges the ladies to a bikini-clad tractor race. I swear, when the girl he picks settles in Iowa she is going to be pissed activities like this are not the norm. But, like, wait - aren't tractors built to be fun? And why is no one topless?! Jasmine wins... I mean Ashley I. - and she gets some one-on-one time we don't even see.... so likely the conversation was way too normal for TV with zero groping.

Back at the house we learn more about the ladies. Dear Chris - Juelia's husband killed himself. Take notes (okay, okay that was harsh - I take it back). But as you can tell, the producers have picked a bushel of women with tragic baggage they've not yet moved on from. A total recipe for true love. The women rally around Juelia as she balls – and yet something tells me they will be hating on her when she jumps Chris's gate (bones) for some quality time down the road.

Chris feels super awkward by the group date situation so he sends everyone away except for Mackenzie... The way I see it, he secretly hopes that she has special brownies and/or is wondering what hair product she uses to encourage fly-aways.

Tara is already balling because she is walking away empty handed. Quite honestly, I am shocked she isn't walking away with a flask in her hand. The women don't seem to understand that they are now, no longer eligible for the rose.... what idiots. 

"I hide aliens in my hair. NBD."

Mackenzie unleashes her crazy in full force by telling Chris he has a big honking nose, wants the back-story of his once-pierced ear, and... DEEPEST BREATH EVER...she has a kid. And now we are talking about aliens.... I mean... you're a farmer so like... crop circles? right?!  Come on Chris - get with it! How to lose a guy in ten minutes: reenact this date. And yet she gets the rose..... but I kind of get it. Chris couldn't not rose her because the women back at the mansion would think he was a baby-hater, so he was a bit cornered.

Megan from Nashville gets the first one-on-one – except she has no idea until the girls explain it to her..... um, have you ever seen this show?! Following, she wants us all to feel her shaking insides. Um... no thank you?!

We are not even an hour in.... I have never had so much to say. 

Megan and Chris head off in the limo. She reads words like "airport" and has to remind herself to breathe. Her edit is making her look like a total airhead. Let's pray it's an edit since she is from Nashville and I really want to like her.

"Are you sure we shouldn't be quietly cuddling in a moving vehicle?"

A private jet takes them to Las Vegas, where they then get in a helicopter to tour the Grand Canyon. In true ABC fashion it is a date with minimal talking, lots of touching and tons of air transportation. Note to all women on this show: come with a sob story and you're guaranteed at least through the first few dates. I really feel for her in the wake of her dad's passing, and I know Chris does too, but now he has been cornered for the second time with a dropped bomb of emotion – so naturally - she gets a rose. I think he would have given it to her regardless...but the poor guy. Kissy kissy, lovey, lovey lovey.... moving on.

Group Date #2: Till death do us part...
All of the women are dropped in the middle of nowhere at night. They enter an arsenal to kill some zombies with paint ball guns in teams of three. Ashley S. (no-blink) is ready to take over the world.... a world she doesn't want to gain, but she doesn't want to lose either...

The gang heads out to paint ball some zombies. The way I see it Chris could be with a group of gay men, and he would be just as close to finding love.... how is this a means of getting to know one another? And are we sure Ashley S. isn't a zombie herself? After popping zombies, they pop some champagne (aka: what Jordan has been doing every hour since landing in LA.... this girl needs some professional help). Oh wait... Jillian pooped herself again?! What is up with all the black bars on her bottom region?

"Who knew popping ecstasy would bring out my inner terrorist?"

And in the end we all find out just how bat shit cray Ashley S. is... specifically when she takes Chris on a walk to remember... and not the Mandy Moore kind...everyone agrees she is certifiable.

Britt and Chris have some normal one-on-one time in which she expresses her insecurities and they talk to death "the process" and "the journey." FINALLY we are back on track to some Bachelor normalcy. Then they make-out after Chris gives her a love poem... we thought he was a prodigy BEFORE rhyming "kiss" with "Chris" but this really puts it over the top.

But then out of nowhere, Kaitlyn gets the rose.... um what?! Did they even say hello to each other? Yeah girl, you're on Chris's ass backward radar. Be proud.

30 minutes left.

At the cocktail party Chris has three wishes to make on the virgin, princess Jasmine's belly button ring.... He wishes for a kiss. And instead his mouth gets raped. I don't know what kind of belly button ring this is, but the answered prayers are aggressive. And I feel like I might vomit a little.

Britt sees and has a full-on meltdown, unsure of how to navigate the situation. Chris navigates it with his lips, no problem.

Jordan is wasted and makes a fool of herself...I'm tempted to fast-forward, but like a train wreck, I can't look away.

"I just, like, don't understand WHAT he didn't see in me?!"

Time for the rose ceremony: Tara does not appear to be drunk which is a change...
Britt: I really like her despite the meltdown.
Ashley I (Princess Jasmine): Not a fan of the virgin ho-bag
Chelsea: She seems normal.... so far
Samantha: Who are you?
Juelia: Not to be confused with Jillian who face-plants when she thinks her name is called instead.
Amber: Token.... I didn't say it.
Traci: Who are you?
Jillian: For reals this time.
Jade: Who are you?
Vicki: Who are you?
Becca / Carrie Underwood: Jesus took the wheel
Carly: Who are you?
Britney: I haven't heard you talk enough tonight to know if that nasal voice is a full-on condition
Ashley S: It's like rewarding a puppy for crapping on the carpet over and over again

As for the ladies going home?
Tara will be haunted for the rest of her life. The flight attendant was ushered to the emergency exit (see, I can make puns too....). Jordan is hopefully on her way to AA. Kimberly was dumped... twice. Ouch. Divine prophecy my ass.

And.....it's finally over. 
Oh but wait - scenes for next week.... Chris is abducted by Jimmy Kimmel.
Okay, now it's over.

So it's gonna be forever, Or it's gonna go down in flames

yeah, yeah - we'll get to you in a minute

Of course, we must talk about farmer Chris and all the nightmares dressed like daydreams in last night's premiere of The Bachelor - and we will! But first I wanted to fill you all in on where I've been the last few months, and an awesome opportunity I've had to share my more personal writing through 12th & Broad.

After writing restaurant and real estate themed posts for the site for over 6 months, I have since transitioned to writing an Adventures of Adulthood series that posts every Friday on the site 12thandbroad.com. In turn, I have neglected to update my sweet Lost and Found blog, surely to the disappointment of the masses - I am so sorry to have let you (five people) down! That said, I thought I would abbreviate the "life update" by instead linking off to my first six posts in the series. I would LOVE your readership and feedback and you can learn all about the craziness that has been going on in mine and Erik's attempt to be normal.

Intro post - Changes, Contrast and Cupcakes
Holiday Tug of War
Defying the Hamster Wheel
The True Meaning of a Grown Up Christmas
The Five Resolutions Every Grown Up Should Have
Now What?
Next Friday we are reviewing some 2015 At-Home workout DVD's for those looking to bust a move and burn some calories without having to get a gym membership. Spoiler alert - Brazil Butt Lift is not for everyone.
----------------------------------

Chris: Channel the manly stare while propped on a loaner motocycle

Okay enough plugging... onto the important things...

In this 19th season of The Bachelor empire, we are reunited with Chris Soules - a 4th generation farmer living in a Jason Aldean song in small town Iowa who was tossed by diva-frown-face (Andi Dorfman) in last season's installment of The Bachelorette.

Of course, the show opens with the usual eye-candy set-up re-introducing Chris and showcasing his "normal life" activities. Like feeding the world one seed at time, prancing around fields of gold, sudsing up in an outdoor shower and thinking pensively outside a barn. Oh and naturally, making love metaphors at every turn. "Love is a lot like cow manure ...."

But unique to this season, we also got the "pleasure" of watching previous Bachelor contestants egos inflate to unhealthy levels at a red carpet hot mess (that included ugly capes, silver glitter space suits, tons of selfies and an uncomfortably long interview with Nikki). The red carpet section of this show deserves it's own blog post.
In the interest of time -
---Sean's been in Chris's pants and knows what it's like to be faced with the anxiety of being The Bachelor. #firstworldproblems
---Nikki has a gag order from JP and she is quite possibly Tammy Wynette's biggest fan
---There are no qualifications of mental stability to attend (I never thought I would see crazy Michelle again - and there she is in black culottes suspiciously keeping her cool)
---Bachelor "fans" make me embarrassed to be a Bachelor fan
---It seems Chris and his chosen one will not face the "media scrutiny" and "constant paparazzi attention" since they will live in Iowa where apparently no one will be able to find them.  Since when did Iowa become the Bermuda triangle?

Back to the REAL SHOW  – we meet the line-up of women. While we are not going to talk about the entire list of Miss America Pageant contestants, each equipped with special talents and drinking disorders, there are a few things I would like to mention:
---All women in their early 20's (with or without having gained "maturity" through childbirth) should go home. I know ABC is casting these ladies to amp up the drama due to the lack of development in their young (possibly alcoholic) brains, but Chris is over 30 and it's a bit unsettling to watch.

I like hugs. Tonsil hugs.

---While Britt is a 24-year-old waitress (dream big) (who, by the way, looks a ton like Nick Lachey's wife... what is her name.... anyways you get the point) she seems like she will end up likeable and they do seem to have an instant connection. She can stay. Chris agrees as indicated by the first impression rose and proceeding make out session.
---An elegant dress should not show your butt crack.
---Whitney - the fertility specialist from Chicago is cute with the exception of the fact when she speaks she sounds like air moving through a small butt crack. Lot's of butt cracks this season. What can I say.

My eyes will find you. Even in IOWA.

---Amanda got an intro because she lives with her mom and doesn't have a domestic bone in her body. Also because ABC finds it hilarious that her eyes are trying to escape her body. 
---Kelsey - the widower with the hot bod and cute cropped hairdo is sweet enough - I bet she goes far. I don't think she will win, which already breaks my heart since she has been through such a loss and believes a reality show will fix her broken heart. What happened to good old therapy?
---Jillian the news anchor by day, body builder by night probably has more testosterone than Chris.
---Mackenzie is 21 and has a son named Kale. I think she makes lots of special brownies with a plant that is definitely not Kale.
---Alissa is a flight attendant and her entire intro package is one sickening metaphor. Buckle up. You will be on a flight back home in no time.
---Megan from Nashville actually seems really normal. Way to represent.
---Tara had a cute enough intro showing up in "comfortable" (creeping up her ass) clothes to show her true colors (her actual ass). And then it all goes down hill. From a wardrobe change exposing a god-awful tattoo to an all-night love affair with booze, she gets wasted, and still get selected over some other girls who kept their cool. And so it goes...
---Jordan and Tara met in AA.  
---Trina has the name of a (yellow) power ranger without any of the substance
---Becca looks a lot like Carrie Underwood - am I right?!
---Ashley S. does not have the ability to blink. Ever. Which must be rough with all of that onion-loving she does in her spare time. Note: stealing metaphors from Shrek does not make you deep.
---Life jackets can be either orange OR red. 

Limo arrivals included all the lame producer-pushed gimmicks in the book, and clearly first impressions didn't stop Chris from wanting to learn more.... yep even from those so forward as to  invite Chris to plow the bleep out of her field, any day. I don't know about you, but that sounds like the impression of a life long soul mate.

Every year they try to mix it up by throwing a major shock, awe and surprise into the evening's usual routine. This time, they split the girls up into two groups. Chris met and spent time with the first 15 girl and later (after circling the mansion guzzling wine for what could have been hours) he meets the second half. The inside of the mansion becomes West Side Story.

After the usual cocktail shenanigans and the make-out session with Britt as detailed above, Chris finally has the rose ceremony. It is what I can only imagine to be 5am. The women are exhausted, drunk, and falling over. No wait, that's just Tara. He goes through his choices, stopping dramatically midway to consult with Chris about the moral implications of picking a wasted girl. They decide that's what Jesus would do.

Those that did not receive a rose: 
Amanda - aka crazy eyes
Bo - he is not all about that bass, I suppose
Brittany
Kara
Michelle
Nicole
Reegan
If you don't remember who these people are, it's okay. At this stage, no one is crying but them.

And then of course there is Kimberly who did not get a rose, but turned back around into the house to confront Chris about it. DUM DUM DUM. Dear Chris Harrison. Those that watch this show do so because there is an unexplainable inability not to and it is an excellent excuse to drink heavily on a Monday. We do not need a cliff hanger to return next week - but we appreciate the effort.

Just be.

Okay fine. I know the answer. It's this.

There is a question I often ask myself - especially as I approach my birthday, on the other end of which I will officially be past the half-way mark of my twenties. And since our twenties are the decade society has determined we should spend furiously calculating the foundation for our entire life [career path, soul mate, house, child-plan / bun-in-the-oven / two small children running around], I have been asking myself this question more often than not.

What do I really want to be when I grow up?

My answer? I have no freakin clue.

This idea of "growing up" is something I have come to realize happens very slowly. So slowly in fact, that until you sit down to really reflect on everything you have weathered and how far you've come, it feels as if it isn't happening at all (well, let's get real, it feels like it's happening to my ass every time I  eat a cupcake, but you see, I'm mostly referring to the increase of courage, direction, motivation, mental clarity and emotional growth - not the fat on my ass).

In my experience, I used to always link knowing to growing. I thought that it was only when I had captured the wisdom to know the answer that I was capable and worthy of taking the next step forward. In turn, I would find myself feeling extremely stunted, because right now, like most of us, I don't know jack. I have no idea what my real life's grand purpose is and how that should translate eloquently to my career, relationships and investments. And in lieu of knowing these things, I drink a lot of wine and eat a lot of cheese, feeling like an outlier in some mystical upward trend to awesome.

For some of us, this may look like staying in a dead-end, soul-sucking job, relationship and/or city because we don't know what to do instead. For all of us, it feels like being stuck, unsure of what the "best" or "right" thing to do is, magnified by this misconception we are supposed to be perfect, constantly moving forward, changing the world and kicking ass, all while staying really fit - because what is success without rock hard abs?

WHATEVER FRANCINE - you have problems too.

Where does this misconception come from? Well, we do that thing that EVERYONE does - we look around and think - damn, everyone else seems to have it so figured out (thanks Facebook for that delusional dump to our self-esteem). We think - Lou Lou just passed the bar exam and is going to become the world's best lawyer. Francine just had a baby with her adorbs husband who makes six figures so she can stay home and instagram pics of her body miraculously snapping back into size 2 shape. And Paprika, who lived down the hall from you freshman year of college who you spoke to maybe a total of 3.5 times (being drunk only accounts for 0.5 of a conversation), well she just won the freakin lottery.

After measuring yourself against (stalking) these people for hours, you end up feeling completely alone and left behind. You think - I might as well have the maturity of a teenie bopper with nothing figured out, outside of which lip-smackers flavor and boy band is the best in all the land.

But guess what - they don't know jack either. They might be skinny and rich, but whatever - their names are Lou Lou, Francine and Paprika so likely the universe decided to throw them one. We all have questions in our lives, pauses, tragedies, ailments and misunderstandings that scar our security and injure our sense of self. We are all facing something and no matter how old we get, we will never have it all figured out. We may never fully "grow up" but that doesn't mean we're not growing.

We are - every day. With every glass of wine and every cube of cheese, we are moving forward (and becoming more constipated, but whatever, that's my issue, not yours). We may feel like we are the only ones not following a magical trail of bread crumbs leading to the promise land of an awesome life. But perhaps instead of panicking that you haven't found a crumb, buy a whole damn loaf of bread, bust it open Aladdin-style with a friend (or a monkey named Abu), and stop hating on yourself.

Doesn't this look like more fun than self-loathing?

The crumb will come eventually. And if you have the courage to follow it, it will lead to another crumb. And it might not feel like it at all, but when you look back on this decade you will see so many crumbs, so much growth and so much success. Just make one small step toward something that makes you happy in this moment and stop worrying so much about what you're going to be when "this" or when "that."

Just be who you are right now. Do what makes you happy. The rest will figure itself out.

How do I know this, if I don't know jack? The truth is I'm not certain of any of this. But this is what I tell myself to get unstuck. This is what I tell myself to feel hopeful and happy. This is what I tell myself to legitimize my bread, cheese and wine intake.

And so, I thought I would tell it to you too.

Family and Fall

The family

This past weekend my small family met up in Quechee, Vermont at my Poppy's condo for a brief family reunion - and by reunion I mean 11 people (I am not entirely sure that number counts as a "reunion" but for the sake of the story, let's go with it).

This is the first time that my sister and I have introduced boyfriends to the extended family at the same time, and it was a blast. Everyone got along so well, and I personally think for the rest of our lives my sister, Justin, Erik and me will be the four best friends that anyone could ever have in all the land.

This is how I feel about Fall in New England

The trip started in Boston, which is by-far my favorite city outside of Nashville. Yes, my sister lives there which definitely influences the amazeball-factor, but since spending time exploring the different neighborhoods over the past few years, it is one of the few cities I truly miss upon leaving (with the exception of Disney World, which I miss all the time, every breath I take, every move I make). I also have had the intentional pleasure of visiting when it is not winter, which likely skews my idealized perception since winter is not my friend. And it will continue to not be my friend until Princess Elsa's ice castle becomes apart of that whole deal.

But I am starting to wonder if Fall in Boston would make it all worth it.

I grew up in CT until I was 15, but I had forgotten the undeniable magic of Fall in New England. I was probably too busy learning Britney Spears choreography in my bedroom with a boombox and a full length mirror to even notice how lucky I was to grow up in a Thomas Kinkade portrait. From the crisp air to the vibrant colors of the changing leaves, to the football teams that don't completely suck (not like I watch football, but if I did it would be awesome to care about teams that didn't completely suck....).

And as for Boston, the city itself with all its rich history, versatile architecture, stunning harbors and super cool sisters is the perfect combination of charm and beauty. If it didn't endure a never-ending snowpocalypse from November - May, I would definitely consider living there. ANYWAYS - I digress.

After an awesome day in Boston with my sister, Justin and my parents, we drove 2 1/2 hours to Quechee (sadly in the rain) belting out every song to XM's The Blend (which might end up delaying the whole put-a-ring-on-it scenario, but love is blind, right?). We arrived and spent a lovely two days with my Poppy and his wife Claire, my Aunt Linda and Uncles Hardy and Ronnie. We went apple picking, played corn hole, walked through the streets of Hanover and Dartmouth, checked out some antique stores (during which I drank a pumpkin-spice latte in the doorway choosing liquid heaven over old stuff I can't afford). And of course, we enjoyed a delicious variety of cheeses (among other foods I topped with a variety of delicious cheeses) every step of the way.

It was a delightful weekend and an exciting precursor to all the fun we will have this Thanksgiving, and all the many years to come. The morale of the story: New England in the Fall, family, XM's The Blend and cheese assortments rock. The end.

Getting found.

Roomies!

Erik has been home now for almost two months. When looking back at my last post, we can all deduce quite quickly that I haven't written here in almost two months as well. My immediate reaction to this is - well Jenny, you suck. You go on and on about personal growth in his absence and he comes home and suddenly your passions go radio silent. There is some truth to that self-(disgust) evaluation. But to truly understand the reasons I have been too busy to retreat to this white box with entertaining words of honeymooning, cupcakes and rainbows, we have to have a real time talk.

I now live with a boy.

Please don't get me wrong - it is a fabulous and wonderful progression to have him (and all of his stuff) home and in my one-bedroom 800 sq. ft apartment. It is a magical experience to learn all of the nuances of what they mean when they say "men are from mars and women are from venus." I now watch a lot of Animal Planet and I actually know what is going on with world news. There is an endless array of mac and cheese in my pantry calling upon every fiber of my willpower to not inhale, which hey - who doesn't like a little challenge? I've learned the difference between an XBox and a playstation, and the importance of having a "control center" computer set-up to tackle daily tasks. I now live with a boy and it has been a little bit busy in adjusting to all of that.

But I really do love that boy. 

And having him home has been the most awesome and exciting chapter. Yes, it has been naturally overwhelming at times, but I would not trade it. There is a term in the army called "out-processing" which essentially means reintegrating a solider back into normal everyday life after being deployed. While Erik has been incredible in this transition, I think I underestimated the amount of processing - in, out, up, down - I would be doing simultaneously as we figure out this next season together - a season we anticipated and prayed for, and yet at the same time had no idea what its climate would look and feel like.

And it looks like I have to hit the gym more often to work off the mac and cheese on my ass, and yet it feels like the best thing that ever happened to me. 

This is what we do for fun. SPACE IS COMING!

It has kept us busy as we get to know each other all over again, visit with friends, work to keep my job and find him a new one (as he will be officially out of the Army in January), figure out how to avoid going to the grocery store every three days (for more mac and cheese), save money, find a new apartment (to fit all the mac and cheese), write two columns every week for 12 & Broad, stay fit (three words: mac. and. cheese), be awesome... you know, all the things I would like to happen effortlessly on a daily basis. And sometimes I go insane.

Why? Because it is not all happening perfectly, at the same time, right this minute.

But I think that is the lesson of the year - good things come to those who have the patience and the faith to wait and know they will arrive. After all - Erik arrived safely back in July and with that, life became ever more sweet (and mac-and-cheesy). Nothing is perfect, but everything works out as it should.

He does most of the "finding" normally. #imchallenged

And while it is not always easy, no matter what season of life we are in, we must stop and take time to do things that are completely untied from anyone's expectations but our own - like writing here, in this safe space. A space that allows for typos and imperfections. A space that rambles harmoniously as the thoughts flow from my brain through my fingers to rest here peacefully (or disjointedly but whatever - it's my blog so I can say what I want). A space that, lucky for my ego, is judged only silently in your head, which is a space I never have to visit. 

Find your version of this space, and rest in it more often. I promise once you do, you will feel very found. And while you're at it - live with a boy. You will learn more about yourself than you ever thought possible, and with him by your side, you'll sleep like you took an ambien (by far my favorite perk).

A New Day Has Come

WOOOOOO!

We need to take a minute to get caught up. I am fully aware I have left you all high and dry with zero closure on The Bachelorette, and only Facebook glimpses of jazz hands, feathers, by lines and airport rendezvous that may allude to why... but I feel like I owe you a decent explanation.

First and foremost, as many of you know, Erik came home two months early from his deployment in Afghanistan. This is an absolute blessing and answered prayer, and having him home safely is the best gift I've ever received (sorry mom, that Nintendo 64 for Christmas in '96 has now been trumped). I want to take this opportunity to thank mine and Erik's amazing parents, my sister who was my rock, and my incredibly patient, supportive and hilarious friends and BOHAN family. Let's also throw in the random people in the grocery store or on the side of the street I may have word-vomited to in passing... you guys rock too. We both could not have gotten through the deployment as smoothly and strongly without you all rooting us on. It has meant the world.

Yep. This happened.

The time apart, while grueling in many ways, was a rare opportunity for me to keep busy with things I have always wanted to do but simply did not pursue for a variety of reasons. I reprised my role as a Bird Girl in a community theater production of Seussical the Musical which was an exhausting yet wonderful experience. I also took on a freelance writing position for 12th and Broad, which has been a dream come true in many ways. Tapping back into this creative part of who I am has been a great lesson in the importance of doing what you love, regardless of the paycheck associated with it (no, I was not paid to shake my tail feather - they got that magic FOR FREE). I think this deployment served my soul as much as it has served the strength of our relationship, and for that, I see the many blessings that at times felt very much in disguise.

I'm famous! Kind of...  not really.

Now to the part of this post you clicked in to read - ANDI, ANDI, ANDI..... hiyaya... woah. Sorry - wrong season.... but seriously what a ride this chick put us on. The moral of the story is that Andi is bat shit cray. When not resuscitating Josh with her lips, she was constantly complaining, whining and fussing about her fears and concerns, and later oozing with adoration and "feelings never felt before" about her time with Nick (to my confusion because I found him utterly boring). She completely flipped a 180 at the final hour, which was shocking.

I felt very bad for Nick - I would have been completely blind-sided after the way she acted. At the same time, it was very uncool of him to call her out for sleeping with him during the show.... low blow.... I was expecting Josh to come out with his furrowed Ernie brow in a rage and for once this show would have delivered on being the most dramatic finale ever (Jerry! Jerry!). But no dice, everyone stayed composed, including Andi (shockingly) and I think it's time for Nick to move on. Maybe he should audition for community theater.

Well this looks like we're having fun....

Anyways, I was not a fan of either guy, but of the two, I think Josh was the better fit. They are in la la land right now, but their fiery personalities will likely make for some conflict down the road - not so sure these two will last. I think the decision came down to convenience - they are both from Atlanta, he is completely infatuated with her despite being a big (semi-douchey) jock, and in turn, her high school fantasy came true. Hopefully Andi will be bumping under an ultra-sound machine on national TV in no time.... um.. WHAT?! Let's never do that again ABC... that crossed some lines.

I am sorry I bailed out on the weekly recaps, but given everything else, there was just not enough time in the day to talk about Andi, all the frowns, all the scarves, and all the drama.

You just totally get me.

And with this post (and with paying off my many credit cards from eating and shopping my feelings the past four months), I am happily ringing in a new chapter with a deep appreciation for enjoying the present, appreciating the gifts (big and small) of each day, and not taking for granted the people in your life that you love.

To quote the epic and forever worshiped Celine Dion, I am no longer "all by myself" because "a new day has come" due to "the power of love" and "because you loved me" and supported me and were wonderful, and "that's the way it is" and I am FREAKIN PUMPED ABOUT IT.

You must be swift as a coursing river.....

Mulan = Dylan. Captain Li Shang = Andi.

This season on The Bachelorette, there are some boys and there are some men (and then there are some men that like boys... but most of those have already made their exit). If you have been watching even highlights of this season, you would have picked up by now that Andi is all about the MAN. In fact, if she has to bust out into Mulan's "Be A Man" at any point in this journey, consider yourself kicked to the curb. But what is the true key to "being a man" in Andi's book? Let's break it down while we recap last night's episode of this thrilling adventure. 

How to: Be a Man

1. Wear a neck scarf, and never take it off. Even when inside. Even when having heated conversations. Neck scarfs = manhood. 

2. Drink a lot of red wine and then proceed to have confrontational conversations - alcohol induced projection of one's rejection is critical.

Let the scarf do the work for you.

3. Answer all of Andi's probing questions with an elaborate and vulnerable answer. Bleed your love, or face the fussy-faced attorney.

4. Kiss attacks are a must. Any time. Any place. Any where (except for on sacred ground where religious morality (sexual tension) takes precedence over make-out sessions.

5. Even though you look like a super model, if you don't talk, kiss attack, or have a personality (read: Dylan) you are not cutting it.

Resting pout face = true love.

6. Say things that evoke a pouty frown face. The more Andi pouts, the more her love for your manliness is growing.

7. Be ruthless, sneaky and seductive, even if that means being hated by everyone else around you.

8. Be the kind of parent who babies his little boy into being sneaky and ruthless like you, and over-protects his little girl so that she is insecure and defensive like mommy.

9. Wear a beaded bracelet that dances on your wrist while you swirl your wine glass (read: Marcus).

10. Cry to the camera about how deep your love for Andi runs (this was actually a believable moment, Nick - way to have a moment of authenticity).

Dear Andi: Will you be my Bert?

BONUS: Look like Ernie from Sesame Street.

In a nutshell:
We are in Brussels, Belgium (which makes me want sprouts and a waffle, stat)

Marcus and Andi have the first one-on-one. Marcus is A MAN.

Josh and Andi have the second one-on-one - Josh is his normal, smouldering, douchey self and finally breaks down to confess he is falling for Andi. Naturally this validation makes her light up like a small puppy who just found something substantial to rub up against.

Nick sneaks out and stages a pathetic scene with the hotel lobby to find out Andi's room number (ps - now we know this resort is a prime location for stalkers to prey). She is super surprised to see him and only feels guilty for an itsy bitsy minute. They have a passion that speaks novels.

The group date is at a monastery - everyone dumps their heart out to Andi, including Chris who even took it upon himself to recreate the epic scene from Ghost in a pottery barn - but Nick gets the rose, as he expected. Panic ensues. Drunken red wine cat fights emerge back at the hotel among the guys.

The guys continue to fight lips and dingdong for Andi's affection. But ultimately Dylan and Brian do not make the cut, and are sent home.