Commercial break thoughts: Emily is a fantasy suite tease

I'm so low maintenance.

We are down to the final three on the most anticipated Bachelorette episode all season - the fantasy suite dates in the beautiful island of Curacao.

Here are my moment-by-moment reactions as I watched (posted almost a week later - I suck, I'm sorry):

In case you were just dying to see how Emily spent her first few hours on the island - no worries. ABC has that covered. She pets iguanas, kicks her toes in the beautiful blue waters, pioneers a James-Bond speed boat entrance, and draws epic questions in the sand - let's also take note of Emily's single pink duffel bag that she carries off the boat - such a simple traveler, that Emily.

The final three.

In case the iguana is not excitement enough, Chris Harrison will now proceed to recap Emily's 8 week love affair with each of the three remaining guys. I must admit, I have absolutely no idea who is going home at this point. These three guys are all very different with equally winning qualities, but no one guy stands out as the winner. I am not sure just one of these guys is right for her - a hybrid of the three would be just perfect. With Jef you get intelligence, sensitivity, and playfulness - Emily says he has edge - not sure mastering puppets is edgy, but I'll go with it. With Sean you get loyalty, stability and muscles - Emily says he is the perfect man, and there is nothing to prove contrary. With Arie you get sex appeal and chemistry - I am not sure how many conversations those two have actually had - but they sure are hot for each other. Bottom line, this would be a tough choice for any girl.

She is clearly bored. This is not happening.

Here we go - Oh no, Sean is up first. Something tells me this means he is the next to go home. He arrives in his nantucket-red shorts and a smile. My heart flutters - he is absolutely adorable. You can tell this guy is head over heels for Emily, but I am just not sure she feels the same. After a classic run-hug Emily and Sean get in a helicopter - new and different transportation for this show - and are dropped on a private island. Sean needs sunglasses. Emily cannot enjoy the moment until she hears the words "I love you." Sean finally starts showing more than a beaming in-need-of-sunscreen smile when he reads Emily a letter he wrote to her daughter, Ricki. This is Sean's moment - he is winning every woman's heart watching with his sincere and precious declaration to her daughter that he would love her like his own. He finally says "I love you" to Emily and the stars align - until they just don't anymore. It is a beautiful moment, but you can tell by Emily's response that he is still a step behind the other two. Then up pops another letter, this time from Emily about the fantasy suite - shock and awe sweeps the nation - NO ONE SAW THIS COMING. He accepts with a big smile, and they head off together with sparkles in their eyes and underpants. Then suddenly, mid-hot-tub the producers cut in babble about Emily being unsure if she should listen to her mommy instincts or her who-hah. What is this crap? I am confused... I thought by offering him the card, she was all in. Hours into their evening, she does the "right thing" and kicks Sean out of the fantasy suite to set a good example for her daughter. Where was that example in Brad's season miss? Anyways, Sean goes home and takes a cold shower.

Commercial break thoughts: Dear Emily: UGH!!! Of course he loves you - he has told you in a million different ways. She is putting so much pressure on the "L" word after only 8 weeks, when really she should have just been enjoying the moment, having real conversations. And after an afternoon of youtubing past Bachelor episodes, I have proof that on Emily's fantasy suite date with Brad, she too had the exact same difficulty getting the words out - but that is probably because Brad was a complete scripted weirdo of smoke and mirrors. Anyways, I digress. Overall I think their date went well, but not well enough to secure Sean a rose just yet.

He is a poet, and can steer a boat - what a winner.

And we're back - Now its Jef's turn. He seems to be confused. He is cautious about his feelings and future with Emily in one breath and is now going on and on about how he can't wait to propose. Blah blah blah. Also, let's throw in some metaphors about how they are painting a masterpiece, and how the sun is really rising on their relationship. Sometimes it feels like this guy is reading cue cards. Emily has such an "amazing and unique" surprise for Jef that we have never seen on this show before - they are going sailing. Cue lots of scenes of them kissing, connecting, and sailing. Jef goes on to mention his parents, who I think live behind the curtain in the Land of Oz. Who are these people, and why are they so cryptic? And here comes the elegant dinner and the fantasy suite card which Jef so eloquently declines in an effort to "bridles his passion"- such a bank moment for him. Way to keep your edgy and cool status by not even giving Emily the chance to reject you - smart kid. He then goes home and takes a cold shower, and calls his parents who are currently en-route to the moon.

Commercial break thoughts: These two have a certain chemistry that isn't passion and fireworks in the Arie kind of way, but is a true friendship that I think would have longevity in the real-life roller coaster that is the aftermath of this show. They do seem to really get each other and the fact that she can picture him in her kitchen during her normal routine is telling - I guess. Then again, the only reason she probably couldn't see Arie in her kitchen is because those two would never leave her bedroom.

And that about sums up their date.

And we're back - Finally Emily and Arie reunite for the third and final date of the show. Yes, we know - these two love to make out with each other. Arie is a dolphin whisperer. Emily cannot keep her hands off him and thinks dolphins are sharks. They make-out. They make-out some more. She doesn't even give Arie the fantasy suite card at all because she does not trust herself. Arie goes home and takes a freezing "what-would-it-have-been-like-if-I-was-on-the-titanic?" cold shower.

Commercial break thoughts: The minute Emily and Arie come up for air and attempt a conversation, I am just not sure they are truly compatible. To me, Arie seems like an immature and self-involved boy whose life could not withstand the complete 180 of becoming a father and partner to Emily. His lifestyle, bottom-line, does not line up. He will be out of town all the time, and even admitted that when he is not traveling he loves to eat dinner out and always be around his friends. Dear Arie - you social butterfly, you - these are not words to ensure your place in the domestic family life of Emily Maynard. Forget dinners with friends - you will be packing lunches and coaching soccer. Did he not see the After the Final Rose with Brad (which I might have just re-watched via youtube) during which she clearly demands a lot of attention and validation from her man and expects him to be a present father? I just don't think Arie is right in the long run - I see that blowing up - especially when Emily says she would move to be with Arie - dingbat, Arie would rarely even be in town! I am telling you - in the real world once the chase is over, unlike his race car, their relationship is going no where fast.

Chris - go do your job and get this girl a darn tissue.

And we're back: We now enter the water-work portion of the episode in which Emily cannot lock it up and keep it together. While Emily watches the videos of the three final guys final pleas, you'd think she was at a funeral - it was just depressing. The guys lay out their hearts in what feels like a cue-card scripted monologue and Emily is left alone to sob. Where is Chris Harrison?! What is his purpose on this show, if not to console and ask those hard hitting, clarifying questions? I'm confused.

During the rose ceremony, the pauses between roses is simply unbearable. Jef gets the first rose. At this point, if Sean has watched even the slightest interaction between Arie and Emily, he knows his name is not wrapped in that second and final flower. Arie it is, and Sean gets the ax. My heart sinks.

Sean's exit is absolutely heart breaking and heartfelt. The man is a class act who truly had feeling for Emily. Word on the street is that Roberto is set to be the next Bachelor, but if not, Sean would absolutely be my pick. And if he is, Weston and I will have to have a little chat.... (just kidding.... maybe).