Here is what we learned... Speak English

I really want to start off this post by talking about how ugly Emily is. I mean - her flawless skin, her perfect teeth, her darling blonde luscious locks, her doe eyes. U. G. L. Y.  TOWN. I can't look at her anymore. Except I will. Because I'm obsessed with this season.

The episode begins with Emily's homecoming - back in Charlotte for a overnight with her braid-sporting-hippie-love-child. They had a fun-filled night of almost falling down the stairs during the slow-mo run-hug and checking outside the front door as apart of Emily's neighborhood watch duties. Finally, Emily went to sleep before traveling around the nation for her hometown dates with Chris, Jef, Arie and Sean. It was short-lived love-child, but always a pleasure.

"Emily told us she wants to name her son Chris Jr!"

Let's please define "sensing love" shall we?
Emily's first stop was Chicago to see Chris - someone I am simply not a fan of. I am sorry - but he has a latent temper, a huge ego, and not a lot of personality at all. When they are first reunited the dynamic is immediately uncomfortable - he is so nervous around her and you can tell she is constantly trying to loosen him up. You can take the guy out of Poland, but not the Poland out of the guy? Which sounds like pole... which sounds weird... anyways moving on.

Here is what we learned: Polish people love their children and interpret English words incorrectly. When Emily meets Chris's family - who seem perfectly nice and normal - they naturally dote on him. (Polish accent) "If you are looking for a guy who paints rainbows in the sky with his mind, can cure cancer with his eye lashes, bakes cookies for the homeless, and might be the next President - then you are looking for our Chris." Emily then goes on to admit to Papa that she is "sensing" love with Chris. Damn. After a speech like that, who wouldn't be "sensing" love. This is where I think there was a language barrier - Dad proceeds to tell Chris - "Emily told me she was falling in love with you." False Pops. This did not happen, in any language. Crazy Chris is closeted and Smitten Kitten Chris re-emerges for a final goodbye, but not before greeting Emily on the porch with a Polish parade of dancers. Cute.

This is what we look like when you read us letters.

Just because I live in Utah, does not mean I'm a Mormon. (But you probably are and your parent's "charity work" is suspect and if I was allowed to read Reality Steve I am sure I would know why.)

Emily's life with Jef in Utah would be fun, adventuresome, full of hair gel, shooting sh*t in the sky, and well, I would imagine it would be pretty Mormon. And naturally she would have to shorten her name to Emil to fit in with one-f Jef. But these are all logistics, and in Bachelor world, logistics do not matter until after the final rose.

Here is what we learned: Jef's mom screwed the milk man a lot since none of his siblings look remotely alike. Emily is a baby whisperer. Jef should be a poet. When he breaks out the letter - man, you cannot produce that stuff. It was the sweetest, most genuine, heart-felt love letter aired on this show... ever. It put Courtney's vows to Ben from last season - during which she quoted Sex and the City - to absolute SHAMBLES of SHAME. I cried a little. One tear. One little tear down my face for Jef with one F and one big F'in heart.

So yes, Jef is kind and caring and definitely a front runner. His boyish charm has gotten him leaps and bounds in this competition. But my friend Jordan said something so true last night while we were watching that I must address. What Emily and Jef have is a "high school" love. The kind that seems innocent and eternal at first, until they each go off to college and screw each other over at a frat party (aka - Jef faces reality and realizes he is not ready for parenthood in Charlotte away from his "non-Mormon" roots and lemonade cheers). I do love Jef - but I am just not sure it will last if she picks him.

"Cheers" in Dutch. Google it.

I threw up a little in my helmet hair, but boy does Arie look hot. 
Emily met up with Arie on the race track and shockingly did not bring up her baby daddy and how it was hard, or brought up memories, or anything that would cue dramatic-bachelor-sob-story background music. I was shocked. But I guess Arie's hot bod and speed distracted her. Oh and that amazing fountain that was spewing in the lake behind them during their transitional picnic... :/

Here is what we learned: Arie's family overall sucks.
Arie: "Hey, I have a great idea guys. Let's all talk in Dutch and really make Emily feel at home." Um what? And this was not even Dora the Explorer style with English thrown is - this was full on awkward language shut out.

Arie's Dad seems fine, but his mom is like the evil stepmother from a Disney movie. Cold and botoxed and simply unwelcoming and hard to understand. The two little twin brothers are there - drooling from the moment Emily walked through the door. I think there was a sister. She had a big nose and no air time.

But Arie and Emily's chemistry is undeniable. What I thought was really funny is how Emily acted so surprised when the family "revealed" Arie has strong feelings for her. Emily: "Oh wow, that is such brand new information I have not ever heard from anyone ever - great news!" Except Emily - Arie told you he loved you to your face last week. Cool.

Sean: I am really perfect. You will end up intimidated.

Welcome to Dallas - I will now unleash my dogs on you.
We finally made it to Dallas for the final hometown with Sean. Ken, Barbie and their two unidentified pups are reunited in the park for an afternoon of what "normal life would be like" with Sean picking dandelions, surrounded by cameras, strolling through the high grass, probably getting ticks. Awesome.

Here is what we learned: Sean's family is the crew I truly believe Emily and love-child would blend with the best - but the problem here is, despite the overly romantic gestures and "hilarious" pranks (cookie crumbs and stuffed animals in "his bedroom" at his parent's home... seriously?) and potential to have gorgeous Aryan race babies, I think Emily is more in love with his family and that amazing life-size doll house than she is with Sean.

She keeps saying how perfect Sean is, and "perfect" is a word of DOOM on this show. For some reason, "Mr. Perfect" is never the one chosen in the end. Remember when Deanna choose that goofball Jesse instead of hot baby daddy Jason? I think the Bachelorettes do this in some final effort to send off a humble vibe. "I may have been self indulgent, left my love-child at home, had 25 guys vie for my affection, made out with all of them, naturally, and loved every minute of it - but I am not SO shallow that I have to be with someone perfect. Life is not perfect and so I choose the non-perfect one because... well... yeah. BECAUSE!" That is deep.

Dear Chris: The parade was cute. But your face is not. You're out.  He definitely was heartbroken and freaked out. He will be a hell-raiser on the Men Tell All for sure.

With Chris gone, I truly have no idea who she will choose between the three, or if her real soul mate is in this bunch at all.

Next week it get's SERIOUS PEOPLE. I am talking - FANTASY SUITE.... you all know what that date card says... it is hot-tub-heat-up go time friends. Go. Time. And it looks like it is going to be a tough decision - we're talking lots of water-proof mascara folks.

Let the Bachelorette breakdown begin.

SIDE NOTE: Basically this show hates normal human boyfriends. This episode in particular had every girl in the country weeping and cursing their boyfriends for sucking in comparison.
Dear Weston: Please chase down my car just to kiss me just "one more time" on my way to the grocery store for milk. Please hand-write me vows of love for no reason at all that tell me you like the smell of my hair and the way I look in my retainer when I wake up in the morning. Please buy a race car and drive me around Old Hickory lake in it. Please build me a doll house in your yard for our future children. PLEEASSSE. If you don't, you clearly don't love me.