Dream big and wish you were stupid and simple.

Clare - Guys, like do you think like we're like in Miami?

Last night's episode of The Bachelor starred the usual cast of characters, except this week, everyone was on their period - including Juan Pablo. I do want to preface the recap by saying that for all of you people who thought I was heartless for being hard on JP last week, I did soften up to him while watching last night. Something about a man weeping over two different women in one week just pulls at my heart strings. But truly, I do believe he has a sweet and good heart which melted mine when seeing him reunite with little Dora under the beautiful skies of Miami to kick off the episode.

Meanwhile, back at the hoohah-hen-house, the ladies explored their new digs while Clare played 21 questions with herself regarding the events of the week - So do you guys think we're gonna like meet like his family or like friends or stuff like that? Silence. Actually Clare, I was thinking the other girls were going to take you to a padded room... but I guess that other stuff could happen too.

JP showed up just in time to halt the skimpy bikini unpacking with the presentation of the first one-on-one date card. Meanwhile, Clare is too busy asking herself - is that a date card he just pulled out of his pants or something "more" he would like to show me? But her thoughts were rudely interrupted by the announcement that Sharleen - a cocktail of insecurity, humbleness and hoover-craft kisses - was the lucky winner. After looking around slightly awkward and constipated, Sharleen raced upstairs to utilize her ten-minutes to freshen up wisely - make-up, check. Wardrobe, check. Lingering stare into the ocean to contemplate the landscape of my heart, check. Sharleen was ready to go.

Miami looked stunning, but not even the warmth of the sun could melt Sharleen's frozen demeanor. She was too troubled with her conflicting feelings - the disjointed path between her head, heart and hoohah created the perfect storm. Juan noticed she was acting strange, but not dat tight (aka up-tight in English) and did what he does best in situations like this - resorted to the make-out. Boom - chick is happy again. For a "smart" woman who wishes she was more dumb and simple, she is kind of an idiot.

The date took us on a roller coaster - one minute they were sucking face, the next Sharleen was saying she is disturbed, the next she was convincing Juan she is ready to put singing aside to focus on family, yet after that, she doesn't feel a true connection worth including her parents in. It is easy, but it is hard. It is magnetic, but it isn't right. It is a Katy Perry song. But in fact, all of this emotional vomit was set to a weird hyrbid of Titantic/Saved By the Bell background music just to really hone in on how confused we should feel about the date. And to top it off, there was no rose. So we left that hot mess with no clue as to what was going on. What we did take away was that Sharleen is a confused panda who wishes she was dumb (so she could naively ignore her conscience and end up engaged to a man she only likes when performing CPR-styled-make-outs and with a daughter she doesn't actually want?! Sounds like a stupid plan to me. So maybe she is stupid after all?). Shakespeare made more sense to me than this shit.

JP: You see Nikki, there are these things called pants.. ya know?

Nikki got the second one-on-one date, a revolutionary activity that broke every rule in The Bachelor-with-child handbook. He brought one of SIX remaining girls to see his daughter Camilla's dance recital. Yep. That is some serious shit right there. Nikki was the chosen one to be apart of his daughter's special day, to meet his parents AND to meet the baby mama. My expression after learning the contents of the date was similar to Clare's resting face - aka, shock and awe. But Nikki handled it like a pro. Despite the slutty wardrobe, she seemingly made a good impression, the encounter was brief enough that Camilla likely won't need therapy, and the baby mama was a SAINT for allowing the whole thing to go down this early in the game AND on national TV. So good news all around. Side note: Camilla is a rock star and I think she is going to be the next Selena.

But back to the unique love story unfolding here - Nikki and Juan finished the evening at the Marlin Stadium, played on the field and enjoyed a lovely picnic. I have to admit, they have a dynamic chemistry together. Despite the fact we were all nervous Nikki's boobs or ass were going to fly out of her different outfits, there was an ease in watching them together. Don't get me wrong, I think she is a funny, fleetingly heartfelt and crazy bitch with a kind of a mousey face and immature demeanor. But when they are together, I get it. They actually talk to each other - maybe that is what I am noticing here as "special." 

My hoohah and I are at WAR!

The next day, despite being tired of making tough choices (um... who is The Bachelor again?!) Sharleen finally puts herself out of her misery and says adios to Juan in a captioned cry fest that made us all relieved to have a commercial break. Side note - why did Juan not have captions? I need captions sometimes when he is just speaking normal words, let alone hushed weepy phrases. Their parting was sad but Juan really handled it maturely and sweetly took over tear and snot-control like a champ. I think in the end he understood that he simply couldn't kiss his way out of this one. And just like that, the opera singer who could be the one became the one who got away. Clare threw a goodbye party in her pants.

Juan wiped his tears gracefully and got back on the horse the next day with the four ladies left for the group date (tough life) - Renee, Chelsie, Andi and Clare. The ladies put on their sexy sand shoes and frolicked in the hot Miami heat hoping to get the only rose awarded before the cocktail party. All I kept thinking this whole episode was - Chelsie is out. And this date definitely supported that theory - their one-on-one time was more science educator and student than lovers on the beach, but at least she was smiling and happy! Meanwhile, Clare and Andi both poured on the tears and sob stories and who knows what Renee was doing...

JP: Hold me, like the river Jordan

Andi got the rose and Clare's attitude crimped up as much as her hair-do after the rain. Do you mean you don't ABSOLUTELY want to watch my dead daddy DVD?! Did my tears mean NOTHING to you? Everyone PANIC. Andi and Juan had special ocean-wave-cuddle time (strangely tonight little Dora was no where to be found to wag her finger at that behavior) as well as a dance lesson in a Latin club downtown (which had it's own rhythmic challenges).

The rest of the girls went home fussy and upset. Clare and Nikki proceeded to have a cat-fight over who owns the hotel room, which is when my watching buddy Erik decided that if these chicks just had some Xbox in the house, all of this drama would be avoided (he was also very disappointed when they didn't start ripping each others clothes off...). I think Clare and Nikki will be the final two, which basically means the producers struck reality TV gold this season given their disdain for each other.

JP: Hiyaya, I pray my face looks interested

Rose ceremony comes and goes pretty uneventfully - we confirm Nikki is not a positive, sentimental or chatty person unless Juan is around, all the other girls seem to hate her, Renee had a little too much fun with her bronzer, Clare has the inability to not show her thoughts on her face, and Chris Harrison actually still hosts this show (is it just me or has his involvement been extremely limited this season?!). It has to be 2am by the time the roses are handed out because everyone looked completely exhausted and Juan barely had the spark to say "wouljuu assssssepppt dis rose" to Nikki, Clare and Renee, who all do in fact, assept. Chelsie gets sent home as expected, and very sweetly and gracefully exits as one of the not-so-crazy ones this season.

SIDE NOTE - Where was Renee this week?! Her one-one-one time with Juan on the group date was a no show and her only real cameo this week was to talk Sharleen off a cliff while in a red wine coma. This does not bode well for her since the producers did not develop their relationship at all this past week.

NEXT WEEK - What the heck is going to happen in that fantasy suite? If you have spoilers I have to know. Message me stat.

FINAL TWO PREDICTION - Clare and Nikki.