Juan Pablo masters the smile and nod

JP: I am about to projectile vomit. Just smile and nod.

This episode was simply foreplay for the fantasy suite "horror" that will unfold tonight, and if you ask me, it was pretty standard. The episode starts like a Chick Filet ad in Nikki's hometown of Kansas City. Juan Pablo and Nikki run-hug to each other and embrace under the Midwestern sun. Her hair looks fantastic but those homeless gloves have got to go. Luckily, they come off as the two love birds sit down for some gas station barbeque at Oklahoma Joe's. Juan at first has no idea what to do with his plate of food until Nikki perceptively suggests they just start eating.... wow. These two are meant to be. Juan then proceeds to have a food-gasm, which contests my theory that the fantasy suite debacle is in fact the discovery that Juan Pablo does not have a ding-dong. HOWEVER, that will all be answered tonight.

Nikki has been waiting a really long time for this day - eight WHOLE weeks you guys.
But before walking Juan into her mansion of a family home, she wants to see how "cowboy" he really is - aka, how long he can hold down his Oklahoma Joe's on a mechanical bull before puking everywhere. Juan is about to up-chuck. Nikki has never been more turned on.

Once inside Nikki's castle, the family greets Juan like "family". But before they can bless the potential 12-week engagement, Mom naturally wants to make sure her daughter and Juan Pablo have a true and deep mental attraction?... um.... do you mean an emotional connection beyond chemistry, mom, or are we talking some ESP shit? Nikki assures mother that their minds are as closely bound together as their hoohahs while riding that mechanical bull. Mom pees her pants a little, realizing she will have to make a permanent seat at the "All-American" table for a Venezuelan baby daddy, but covers it beautifully with a delicate smile. In the meantime, Dad is as sappy and sweet as honey (and also sweating profusely above his lip - no big deal) when he tells his daughter remember my child, blended families are not easy. Especially when the baby mama looks like a Victoria Secret model. Just. Saying. Despite all of the encouragement, Nikki still cannot muster the courage to say those three little words.

JP: Should I be afraid? Just smile and nod.

From a Kansas City castle to a revival of the Sopranos, Juan Pablo next flies to see Andi in Atlanta, GA. But before being accosted by Andi's father, Juan proves that he actually has zero talent on the shooting range - Andi on the other hand is a bad ass. This is likely because her dad taught her well. Pookie and Juan head home but all sparkles stop at the door front. As we meet Andi's father, we suddenly feel as though we have turned off The Bachelor and turned on the movie Meet the Parents. Trying to lighten her family up, Andi glows from the hoohah as she describes their adventures and how she never would have gone to Vietnam and South Korea if it had not been for Juan Pablo. What a shame to miss out on such exotic destinations....

JP: Um... Mi no comprendo. Just smile and nod.

Andi's dad does not bless a potential engagement, but then again I can't blame him for being realistic and protective of his daughter. Also, given the fact I think he is in the mafia, he certainly cannot allow himself to be reduced to a sappy papa on national TV. Juan handles the tough questions all in stride - a lot makes him weep, but not much brings out a temper. I can't decide if this is because he doesn't have captions to help him process the conversation or if he just doesn't like Andi that much. Either way, we confirm that Juan has the "smile and nod" down to a science. Meanwhile, upstairs over a bottle of wine Andi and her stunning sister girl-talk matters of the heart. More questions and doubt from sister further deflates Andi's hopes, but she and Juan still end the evening kissy kissy in lala land, this time without any "I love you" interrogations. At this point, Juan decides to keep Andi in the running simply because he met her scary father and knows she can shoot a gun.

JP: Hmm... what to do with little boys? Just smile and nod.

Renee's date is like a golden drop of sunshine. Ironically her hometown in Sarasota, Florida stands out to me as the most ideallic destination Juan has been to all season. We finally meet Renee's son Ben and watch him play a little league game. Juan is so used to having a little Dora he has no IDEA what to do with a Diego, so he pats the boy's shoulder awkwardly and says he is a great little man, meanwhile wishing he was riding bulls or even shooting a gun poorly. And poor Diego - here is how I imagine the rest of the evening goes down in his head - Okay - time to play baseball on national TV for the first time, but before that, I get to see my mom ball her eyes out while I try to make friends with some Spanish dude with a boy-band haircut that is not understanding the concept of personal space. Get me outta here! All I really want is some captions for that guy and an ice-cream for having the throwing arm of a prodigy. Is that too much to ask? Oh no - I think Grandma took one too many sedatives to calm her nerves, and Grandpa thinks mom is glowing, but he clearly doesn't realize she has enough bronzer on to make the whole world glow. Can I go to bed now? That pretty much wraps up the highlights. Renee and Juan do not have the chemistry he shares with the other gals and at this point it becomes clear she is likely going to get the boot.

JP: I wonder if her dad was a better kisser? Just smile and nod.

Last, but not least, Clare finally gets her turn with Juan in sunny California. Clare philosophically shares that anyone can find love in majestic South Korea, but here in Sacramento they will get to see what real life together is like. Yeah, I always thought of Sacramento as the armpit of America. You guys really know how to put your love to the test! These two love birds, who clearly have picked up right where they left off, stroll in the park as Clare asks questions like an overzealous robot - so like, what are you like, like when you like meet like families? Are you going to be like shy? I'll tell you one thing, Juan might be shy but his unibrow is popping out to say HELLO. Before we can see how Juan handles meeting mom and the result of her run-in with many milk men, Clare talks more about daddy and how her whole family is an example of who he was. I will say this was a very sentimental moment, and I do think her emotions and connection to her father are real. But at the same time... she just comes off scripted and manipulative to me. I want to believe her and skip rocks alongside them both, but I just can't get on board. Meanwhile, Juan sobs and Erik and I theorizes that her dad isn't even actually dead but rather on a business trip somewhere, staying out of the way to heighten the drama.

Back at the humble family abode, we see the ugly duckling syndrome rear its rude head. Suddenly I start to realize that Clare is calm and nice compared to her crazy bitch sister Laura - aka. mama's keeper. I would have straight up gotten in her face, and so I commend Clare for keeping her cool. Laura stalks Clare's conversation with mama like a hawk. I am starting to feel very hostile so Erik and I break for a piece of pie to deal with the stress of the situation. Dear Laura - I do NOT think beloved DADDY WOULD APPROVE of this behavior. And as for you mama - what the heck - SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF. This family is bat shit crazy, which is further solidified by the fact that Clare - their youngest - feels it monumental that this is the first man she has dated since daddy - what the heck kind of relationship did you have with this man? It just keeps getting weirder. As Juan and Clare say goodbye, there is a part of me that still does not trust her, but I understand her a little more having seen her roots, which are as disturbing as having to look at Andi's actual roots - girlfriend - that is no longer an ombre. But I digress.

Renee: I cry better than both of you - suck it.

Renee is sent home at the end of the episode and is as graceful and lovely as she has been all season. It was truly sad to see her go - but I simply do not think Juan was ready for a Diego. Renee is stunning - her tears fall from her eyes like delicate butterflies on a summer's day. The "pretty-cry" has never been so mastered.

Tonight the saga continues, during which in the last five minutes we will finally get to know what the heck goes down in that fantasy suite. My projections for now stand with Nikki and Clare as the final two (which doesn't take a rocket scientist to deduce) and Andi becoming the next Bachelorette. We shall see... Erik is SO PUMPED that he gets a doubler-header of The Bachelor this week (aka, suddenly deployment doesn't sound so bad ;).