This show is turning into a joke. OKAY.. okay? OKAY.

Andi's Oscar Winning performance

Today we are just going to get down to the gritty real talk for a few reasons...
1. Last night was as anti-climatic as a cold shower
2. Which leads me to believe there is some conspiracy shit going on this season
3. I am running out of ways to joke about this season in a narrative fashion - Juanita is tired. (yes, Jenny in Spanish is Juanita... I am not sure how I feel about it).

This season we have watched the downward spiral of Juan's charm and intelligence. In fact, I am pretty convinced his "winning" qualities were just immaturity dipped in an accent and disguised by a a sweet daughter. Last night we watched him pretty much crack like a crayon scribbled into non-existence by the pressure of having to emotionally connect with stunning yet certifiable women all while using the English language. This was too tall of an order and stud just could not keep up anymore. Part of me doesn't blame him for being apathetic with the ladies he has left - they all kind of suck. The other part of me feels like he should have never been given the role of The Bachelor to begin with - Dear ABC - speaking English should be a requirement from now on...Thanks.

So let's break this down to the highlights -

• Clare is too busy playing the "Win Juan's Heart" game to notice he shows zero interest in building a real relationship. Oh and guess what - dead daddy does not a marriage make. She says all of the "right" things, shows persistent interest in Dora, tears up when appropriate, reenacts a scene from Titanic on a boat, and truly believes that if she keeps on like this, victory will be hers. But if you ask me, they will never make it in real life. She has a sassy bitch locked back beyond those veneers and once she has "won" she will realize she never wanted the prize to begin with. 
• Andi - Hiyayaya. Let's get real here. There is no way in ONE night without cameras on Juan became a completely different person. The immaturity was ALWAYS there - we have seen it as viewers all along!  Juan straight up said to her - in FRONT OF THE CAMERAS - that he had no idea if she would be a good mother - that is a HUGE insult to any woman. And she smiled and acted like that statement was no big deal. Suddenly cameras turn off and that behavior becomes appalling?! PUHLEASE. I think Andi knew, especially after taking him home to meet her family, that he was not the one for her. But I think she had a plan - get to the top three and bail to better her chances to be the next Bachelorette.
• And what a joke her exit was - the "fight" between Juan and Andi was the most dumb

  

  If i have to walk up this damn hill ONE MORE TIME

  conversation I have ever witnessed, okay?! It was as if they both stepped aside, decided to channel their inner Clare and Nikki and have it out simply for the drama of it all. Who cares if he said "default" or not?! OKAY?!?! It was like watching a toddler pre-naptime have a tantrum and Papa Juan deciding not to enable the behavior with a dramatic response... hmm.. maybe he is a good dad after all?
• Juan's ease in saying adios to Andi just further proved his apathy. And I think the only reason Andi was picking a fight instead of just saying goodbye was because she was pissed the producers made her walk the entire island of St. Lucia to capture her deep thinking before the chat.
• There is nothing warm about Nikki - she is not someone I would be friends with per say - but at least the girl has been herself the whole time. Even down to her boobacious fringe top - she is who she is (hot and slutty) and she owns it - sorry, not sorry. You can't knock her for that. And similarly Juan is who he is (an idiot) and so if you ask me, they are meant to be. Will they last? Not at all. Juan bottom line is not ready for this. But if they do last by some stroke of God, they can procreate and populate the world with more slutty idiots - end of story. Will he choose her in the end - absolutely. Will he propose? At this point, for the free ring, probably.
• Juan's talk with Chris Harrison before the rose ceremony was NOT a language barrier - the word "love" is pretty universal. I think Juan uses his daughter and his accent to get into girls pants and out of confrontational situations that require him to be honest and real. He is clearly in over his head and either wants hoohah or wants out.
• At the rose ceremony, Andi's departure illicits the "pretend shock / fake awe / pure delight" face from Clare. Meanwhile Nikki's mind is reeling - wait a minute....if my best friend thinks Juan is a doofus and offensive, I am left competing against my least favorite person on the planet, and the common denominator is the guy I might be engaged to in a week..... what does this mean? Eh. Not much. I'm hot. He's hot. Let's get on with the show.

The Women Tell All episode next week looks like it is going to be HOSTILE. Let the cat fights continue.... You guys, it is two more weeks of this crap and then it is back to Juanita's life. I know - we're all super excited about that... But personally, I can't wait to be done with this Taco Bell love story...