After the final barf

Who besitos better? Hiyaya!

Wow. I am pretty speechless, you guys. This has been a whirlwind of a season and I have never been more glad for it to be over. The finale last night was such an uncomfortable train wreck and quite honestly, the idea of reliving it in this post is a bit daunting. It took all my strength not to turn off the TV during the acid-trip roller coaster that made even the even-tempered Chris Harrison hostile. It was like we were transported to an alternate universe where Nikki becomes a smiling robot, Chris Harrison has a cat-fighting hoohah and Sharleen's purple-ninja lipstick is "in." I have to believe there is some weird shit that went on behind the scenes of this season. But before I share my theories, let's all get on the same page.

Last week I did not post about The Women Tell All because quite honestly, the whole thing was a hoohah shit show and I was suffering from a sinus infection which made me question if I even processed what went down. Not only was I not feeling lucid, but at that point, the show had become a joke and the "attention-whore" mentality of these women was way too much to even recap. For those who watched, here were my key takeaways - 

• Sean was sexually assaulted by a sting ray on his honeymoon.
• Grown sexy bangs are just grown ugly.
• No one has yet asked Kellie what the HELL A DOG LOVER DOES FOR INCOME but we did learn that she has a gay parent and wants to cut off Juan's penis.
• Renee has a "situation" which I think is very deserved and it explains why she is not the next Bachelorette.
• Being called a "special one" is not a compliment. Think more "short bus" than "awesome."
• "Honesty" is the new word for insulting and crass.
• Chris Harrison was super glad to finally get some air-time on this show.
• Andi is completely being set-up as the next Bachelorette, which is also why she is throwing Juan a bone and not completely ripping him a new one.
• Sharleen is the only woman Juan actually talked to on the show - likely to find breathing time between her lizard kisses. 
• Juan Pablo is digging himself back to Venezuela with all of his confusing accented chatter and none of these women are assepting his - how do you call it in our country? Oh, bull shit.

Okay that pretty much takes cares of THAT episode. Thrilling and insightful all around. 

Now as for last night, I have to be honest - I missed Clare meeting his family because I was stuck in traffic, having a full on panic attack at the idea of missing out and therefore blasting Celine Dion to calm down. However, here is how I imagine this went down - Clare did her cheerleader facials and explained to the family how much she cares for Juan. His braces-clad bro got a hard-on as she over-enunciated her love for his brother. The brother in turn asks Clare if she talks the way she does because she is wearing a retainer in her mouth and they share orthodontic stories until sunset.

So you see friends, I'm the real catch here.

Cut back to Chris Harrison and the "live" portion of the show. Cut to me frantically flipping on the TV and wondering why we just spent an entire segment on the audience's thoughts. I don't give a crap - there has to be at least 48 solid hours of footage from these two days and you're wasting time asking Jack and Jill their thoughts?! No one cares, Chris. Stop being a camera hog. 

Okay - back to the show. Nikki meets the family and it is the same old crap - they all warn her of Juan's selfish ways, and she smiles and nods as if they just confessed he once saved a baby from a small house fire. The disconnect between the warnings and these women's feelings is mind blowing. I'm bored. 
  
During Juan's final date with Clare he says something unimaginable to her in the helicopter and she is super duper offended and will never speak the words out loud for fear dead daddy would disown her forever. HELLO?! Does anyone think it is weird that all of these highly offensive comments happen off-camera?! What the heck?! I call conspiracy on the whole thing! Anyways, Clare really holds her ground that evening when Juan comes over and has "besitos" turrets. She exercises some minor self-control and sits him down to question the incident, which Juan has absolutely no recollection of. Women everywhere are chanting feminist cheers of joy for about three minutes until she is hypnotized by Juan's back-peddling accent and their "wedding" song. Suddenly, they are making out again and all is well. I want to throw up. 

For Nikki and Juan's final date, they sit on a boat and talk about nothing. At this point Juan might as well not even be there because he adds nothing to the dynamic. But we all know that Nikki will definitely win because outside of a quick eye-roll on the beach when Juan said he would be doing a lot of stimulating TV watching in his office ALONE most days, she hasn't given him shit for anything. She is such a nervous wreck in their final hours, but she has the golden ticket to Juan's heart - besitos, no drama, and a gift of her in a fringed bikini top straddling a horse. Boom. Done deal. And yet she ends the night balling her eyes out on the couch. Is this really happening or did someone slip something in my soup?

Where is Niel Lane? Where is the swelling romantic background music? Where is the love?!

Sean: Juan, you're worse than my wife's bangs.

We all know what happens next - Chris has to survey every member in the audience including Bachelor alums (and some random blonde chick in the top row... anyone know who the heck that was?!) as to how they feel about what is going down. That is like asking someone - how do you feel after getting food poisoning?! We don't feel good Chris. Let's keep this show rolling. 

We are at the final day and we all know Juan is going to pick Nikki. The only shock here is that Juan had any room in that skin-tight suit to pocket a ring. And he was not the only one with wardrobe issues. Nikki lost her dress and decided to drape a blue rag over her chest. And, the producers decided it would be a great idea to stick the women on a speed boat to get to the proposal destination after they've spent hours on their hair and make-up. But wait, there's more. Now they have to power through sand and mud in stiletto heels....! Let's see who eats it first! This show just became Survivor. 

We realize the minute we see dress instead of just skin and leg that Clare is the one to get the boot. The moment Clare realizes Juan has not picked her she has a ground-breaking, defining, Rocky moment where she takes back everything she said about 15 seconds before she knew she was rejected and goes NUTS. With three air-snaps and a series of daddy digs she is back on the boat confused and angry. Welcome to how we felt all season as viewers. 

Then Juan picks Nikki because he likes her A LOT, but he does not propose because of Nikki's dad... or something. Fireworks and magic explode no where... CAN THIS PLEASE BE OVER NOW. 

Shoot.. what was I supposed to say next?

The After The Final Rose special was just how you would expect it to play out based on the judgmental and disgusted live portion cut-ins throughout the show. No one likes Juan. No one is excited for the couple. Clare's hoohah grew three-sizes since becoming an empowered woman in the face of rejection. And if you ask me, she knows now that she dodged a real bullet. And poor Nikki - she looks like the biggest smiling robot of a fool. I honestly do not believe for ONE SECOND that they are actually together or happy. I think they made a deal either with each other or the producers to play "happy" and Nikki is getting some kind of cut of something. She looked so trapped - like Katie Holmes when she got brainwashed by Tom Cruise and Scientology. It was just bizarre how they were acting and skirting any talk of how they actually feel about each other. Straight up, bizarre.

But the women were tame compared to the men - Sean wanted to punch Juan in the face, Chris Harrison was certainly encouraged to ham it up, and did not hold back. Overall, all of the energy was just embarrassing when Nikki and Juan are likely already broken up and simply playing a part for ratings. Juan will feel the heat for a few weeks in the tabloids and then he will go back to his boring, TV-watching, self-consumed life. Let's hope one day Dora wakes him up with a "Come on, vamanos!" song and helps him find his manhood over the river and through the woods. Until then, he can go far, far away.

So that concludes this season of The Bachelor, friends. It has certainly been an interesting ride. As for me, the sun is shining and Spring is finally upon us (let's hope it stays awhile!). I will be back soon with some updates and writing more in the absence of my man who leaves next week for his 7 month "business trip." Until then!