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| This is acceptable. Just don't grunt. |
For all of you out there who think that going to the gym sucks simply because your body is being forced into exhaustion, no no no, the gym ALSO sucks because there are a lot of people around - you are NOT in private. Many people tend to forget this and check their self awareness at the door. Dear crazy gym goers - do not be mistaken - when you swipe your little card at the front desk, you are NOT transported to an alternate universe where no one can see you, smell you, hear you, or judge you. Sometimes I wish this were the case. But no. You are still on planet earth. And most of the time you happen to be at the machine next to me. Let's begin... and please keep in mind, it is the crack of dawn. The fact that I even make it to the gym is a miracle, so if I seem a little irritable, forgive me.
Gym Behavior
1. Making noises / grunting while on the cardio machine - I absolutely kid you not, this morning I was working out next to a man who had this weird hiccup/high pitched dog grunt going on every five seconds. I could even hear him through my head phones and it was obnoxious. I am trying to groove to "Don't Stop Believing" (the Glee version.. duh) and all I kept hearing was this old man sending off some bizarre mating call. Dear dog man: please keep your noises to yourself. You are not Serena Williams, therefore you have not earned the right to publicly grunt and have that be acceptable.
2. Jumping, head banging and fist pumping while on the stair climber - This was a WTF moment and while I do judge this man, I secretly want whatever is in his cheerios because this guy seems like the most euphoric, energetic, exerciser on the planet. So, I get to my machine, and I have seen this guy before very "into" his workout jams. But today, he was on the stair climber which is a tall set of actual revolving stairs - like a stage towering high above the other machines. And he was climbing up then, shaking his head violently to the music. Suddenly (what I can only imagine to be the musical climax of the Rocky song) he starts to prance up the stair climber, bouncing up and down and jumping all around as he was climbing - the coordination was actually impressive. The veins in his calves were literally popping out. Sweat FALLING from his entire body (gross). And then, just when I thought this was the most insane thing I have ever seen, his arm flies up into the air, literally fist pumping over and over again. ON THE STAIR CLIMBER PEOPLE!? REALLY?! A. We are at the YMCA, not at a concert of the Village People doing the YMCA. B. What is on your headphones? C. (Again, secretly) what are you on?! I kind of want some. Because despite the public humiliation, whatever it is burns A LOT of calories. (I will gladly reenact this for you upon request).
3. Working out so hard that you end up violently shaking the machine - see previous stories above.
4. Singing into the mirror at yourself, out loud, while lifting weights - this meat head was lifting weights with the muscle T and everything, trying to look all "buff" and yet he was literally singing out lyrics to himself in the mirror. It is not even like he lost himself in the moment and didn't realize. No no no, he was staring right at himself belting it out. Dear American Idol Wannabe - Using headphones ensures that those around you cannot hear your music - it DOES NOT mean, however, that we cannot hear you singing out of key to your music as you stare at yourself in the mirror. Simon would be disturbed. So was I.
5. Not cleaning off the machine or mat - Let's take a moment to go over cleaning the machine etiquette. 1. Please do it. You sweat, I sweat. We all sweat. Just wipe it off and we're good. 2. When you do wipe down the machine, please spray your towel and then wipe the machine. There is no reason that you need to spray the machine 15 times, sopping it in disinfectant, and subsequently my arms, and then wipe it down. If you are afraid you have infected the machine that much, maybe you should go to the doctor. 3. When you don't clean off your mat and I have to watch an innocent who did not see you just roll all over it like a dog in the grass and put in back-up in the front of the pile, grab it and use it, I feel really bad - almost compelled to tell the innocent not to use it. But then I don't - because random people talking to you at the gym about hygiene at 6am should also be on the list as awkward.
6. Leaning over to watch someone else's cardio television - Yes, I am watching Boy Meets World, Saved By The Bell and/or Full House. I know you think you are awesome for watching CNN, but back off. And, if you happen to love my throwback 90's television selection and your TV does not work, that does not give you permission to share mine with me. A glance or two, I understand (BMW, SBTB and FH are classics) but you creep me out when your head is in my personal space.
7. Running out of steam two minutes after you start running - I will be the first to admit that this happens to me. I will think - Jenny you are having a GREAT day. You may not be a runner, and you may have already been on that elliptical for 35 minutes, but you got this - take down that treadmill - show it who is boss. And then only minutes after putting on my running jam and taking off, I realize this is just not happening. I start to wheeze, feel light-headed, my knees are screaming (yes all you amazing runners, I hate running and I am horrible at it, bite me) and look down at the timer - only two minutes has passed. This is pathetic. I cannot get off the treadmill right now. The people next on the line of literally 15 treadmills balling it out don't know that I did 35 min on the elliptical. (Dear reader - I just made up the term 'balling it out.' I have no idea what this actually means - but I just meant running really fast and making me feel like a weak and lazy chick).
Seeing People
1. Seeing your boss - Yes, my boss goes to the same gym as me, at the same time, every morning. I wonder if he has noticed crack cheerio guy or dog grunting man. Maybe I should ask in the morning meeting, you think to yourself? See no.. that would be totally AWKWARD....Absolutely not...
2. Seeing hot smoothie guy - There is a really hot guy who sells smoothies at my gym and he comes in and set's up in the clear window right by the machine I work out at. I need him not to see crack-of-dawn-sweaty-mess Jenny until he falls in love with me.
3. Seeing yourself in the mirror after seeing hot smoothie guy - Yes, this increases the awkwardness I felt previously trying to not make eye contact with him when I make eye contact with myself in the mirror.
4. Seeing someone seeing you - As I have mentioned before, I do not come to the gym to find love (unless it is with smoothie guy after I have showered and look glamorous on my way out to work). But people seriously do. They are all checking each other out for good or bad, and when this happens to me, and when the guy is old and creepy, awkward turtle comes out to play.
5. Seeing someone who see's you seeing them - Now I will admit, there are some hot guys at the gym, and sometimes I sneak a peak - duh. But when they see you seeing them.. the eye contact followed by the "oh shit dart your eyes" face that I am sure I have after this happens is probably not my finest moment.
Appearances
1. Realizing your shorts are too short for your shirt - This has happened to me after shoving my clothes into my gym bag straight out of the laundry. The gym is not made for rompers. And for all of you skinny bitches who prance around with no clothes on - you make the rest of us feel really bad about ourselves which is not cool - or godly. We are at the YMCA - show some RESPECT.
2. Butt sweat - enough said.
3. Spandex / tucking your shirt into your spandex - Spandex are revealing and kind of awkward to wear and to see other people wear - even though I do wear them in the winter. But to top off that look with a shirt tucked into your high-waisted spandex... awkward.
4. Smelling bad and radiating STANK NASTY SMELLS - Look at the guy on the cardio machine next to you, now back to me, now back to the guy on the cardio machine next to you....
And if you fart - I know it is you. So stop pretending like maybe I can't smell it. I can.
5. Taking off your clothes to check yourself out: Yes you have muscles, but do this on your own time. You can even take those sick self shots of yourself in your bathroom mirror and put them up on facebook to show off, but while we are AT THE GYM where the work is done?! Really?!
The Locker Room - Lock it up (literally and figuratively speaking).
1. Nudity - Women of all ages are having a big naked party in the women's locker room every morning - alert the press. Listen, I get that in the midst of changing you have to take your clothes off. But let's be a little more classy. I don't have boobs to fling around, but if I did I cannot imagine that would be fun and/or a comfortable feeling. Get a towel, wear some shoes so you don't spread your sweaty foot germs, and lock it up.
2. No, seriously LOCK IT UP - read my post about people stealing things and lock your lockers so that I am not tempted to steal from you (just kidding... but beware, some boob flinging women are also feisty and will take your stuff).
3. Saunas and steam rooms - Hey girls, let's not only fling our boobs around but let's do it in a hot room so we can all drip our sweat on each other too! Okay SOUNDS GREAT! Maybe I will think this is "fun" and "clean" after I have some of stair-climber dude's crack cheerios.
See, who knew the gym was such a breeding ground for things that are awkward?! Now you wonder why there are so many fat people in America. They just can't handle the stress of it all, so they do what I do when I am stressed, and they eat a lot of cheese instead.
Please feel free to comment and add to the list :)
Ahhhh!!!! #2 under behavior! I know what guy you are talking about!
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