Duck poo coated insanity.

I live here.

Yesterday we had another snowpocalypse forecast in Nashville. Yes, the gray sky, the sound of bread and milk flying off the grocery store shelves, and the heinous temperature drop were all indications that the weatherman was perhaps correct with this prediction. But did I take the precautions necessary to avoid the impending conditions? No. And neither did the entire work force of middle TN who all found themselves on the roads at 4:30pm last night as the snow plowed through the sky like missiles shattering dreams of a timely dinner and a suitable place to use the bathroom. What began as a commute home, quickly became an absolute nightmare.

And now I will navigate you through said nightmare in an hour by hour report. 

4:00pm - The snow began to really hit Brentwood hard. I could see the white fluffy flakes piling up on Bella (my car) and my coworker called to tell my office that it was getting really bad - to leave now or forever hold our peace. (Little did I know, what she meant to say was forever hold my pee... just keep reading). I had a couple more things to wrap up, so I did, and headed out in the blizzardy conditions.

This is from google. That is not my car. But pics add effect.

4:30pm - After settling into my frosted duck poo coated car (that is what I get for parking by the trees), heated seat turned on, radio turned up, hands on 10 and 2 with right hand ready to blow on the horn, and naturally the look of determination and bad ass in my eyes, I headed out of the parking lot.

4:35pm - I am stopped in locked traffic all down Maryland Farm Way. There is no movement in sight. I left the parking lot, but it felt like I was still in one. Feeling like a clever chick I backed out and went out the back way of the office in an attempt to pop onto Old Hickory further back but skip all the office building traffic.

4:40pm - I find myself in the exact same position as I was before. Not so clever. Heated seat finally kicking in. Duck poo defrosting.

5:00pm - Finally some movement as I creep and take a left onto Old Hickory. I put away the nail file I had out killing time. Morale kicking back in. I am hoping for movement once on the main road. My journey on Old Hickory begins.

Let's stop here to talk a little bit about Old Hickory Rd for those of you who do not know. My office is letter "A" in the map below. This road basically circles all of middle TN, but I was going toward Bellevue to get home - letter "B" on the map, which is a two lane road, with few big businesses. There are a couple of churches scattered along the way, but no gas stations and the detour options are pretty limited once you are on it. There should be a sign at the opening of this road - just like there is before the plunge on Splash Mountain - that says "No Turning Back."

My route is 8.8 miles and typically takes me about 18 minutes.

[I had a google map here - then my sister reminded me: "with that map..you're basically telling every stalker in America that could access your blog just where to find you...although a funny touch something you may want to consider." So I removed it. Since my readership is clearly nationwide, I have to take precautions.]

Okay - back to the action. Or lack therof.

5:30pm - By this time I am about one mile into my journey. Traffic is miserably inching along with long periods of simply being stopped for 10 - 15 minutes at a time with no movement. I have just over a quarter tank of gas. I am starting to get nervous. My phone won't dial out because all of the cell phone towers are overwhelmed by travelers calling loved ones trying to get home in the nasty conditions.
 First FB Status Update due to pure boredom: "Been stuck in traffic in the snow storm for over an hour. I've moved about two miles. 15 more to go...."

[Disclaimer - now that I have google mapped the incident, I realize that my office is really only 8.8 miles away from home. So you can see this as Jenny being dramatic OR you can feel even worse for me when you hear the outcome of this story.]

5:45pm - FB Status Update #2: "And I have to pee. And ducks took revenge on my car today so I am slowly watching duck poo defrost and slide off my windows. Miserable doesn't even explain it. 13 miles to go."

[Again - I am geographically challenged so excuse the mileage inflation.]


6:00pm-  I am able to text again so my family and roommates are aware of the situation. Most friends are also stuck in the traffic over town - everything was locked up. Cars barely moving. I decide to put the car in park (to save gas? couldn't hurt.) and I pull out the iPad to play some solitaire. 


6:15pm - I get severly angry at my iPad (misdirected anger) because I am losing solitaire and throw it into the passenger seat. I decide to turn on my iPod. Still barely moving.


7:03pm - FB Status Update #3 due to pure insanity: "Update: Still on the road. The duck poo has melted away. Seven miles from home. Moved one mile in the past hour. I have resorted to belting out Celine Dion's "The Power of Love" for morale."

7:30pm - At this point I have been in the car for 3 hours. I could be in Memphis by now. I talk to my sister who tells me her boss was once stuck in traffic due to snow for seven hours. Yep. That was the supportive and hopeful news I needed to hear....

8:00pm- Shifting the focus from the intense pain of my bladder to the fact that I haven't eaten since noon. Decide that when I get home I am going to google "stuck in car survival kit" and purchase it immediately. I also plan to write a strongly worded letter to the client who I had to stay until 4:30pm to attend to.


8:11pm - FB Status Update #4: "Knight in shining snow mobile - where are you?" Yes, I decided to make a little joke. As you can see, the insanity of the journey is taking me from hostile to loopy. 


8:30pm - Not even Celine can save me. Four hours in the car to move literally four something miles. I could be in Asheville, NC by now - halfway home to NC, when I am actually only halfway home to my APARTMENT in THE SAME TOWN.


9:00pm - I finally come up on the end of Old Hickory - which is like a roller coaster - big up hill, big down hill. Cars would wait, the person in front would creep down the hill and then the next would go. 

It is my turn. The creeping begins. My traps, neck and back tighten. This is clearly not good for the "back pain" situation. At all. Feelings of fear everywhere. I am not built to drive in snow. Especially not when dreaming about toilets (let's not forget that I had to pee at 4:30pm) and cheese (which is pretty much always on my mind). Bella hates me.

9:30pm - I make it down the hill and take a left onto Highway 100. SALVATION as the traffic finally opens up. Except now it is me and two inches of snow coating the roads, two miles from home. I move along, but slowly. Very slowly. I was once surrounded and now it is a dead zone with very few cars on the road. But the movement alone helps my spirit - hope is in sight, but clouded by flurries flying at my wind shield and packed under the wheels of my determined car.


10:00pm- I pull into my driveway. Mass text to all those I had been texting along the way and FB Status Update #5 - "Home safe - five and a half hours later."

10:01pm- I step inside of my apartment. Speechless (this is a rare feeling for me). I pee. 

10:15pm - I finish peeing. I raid my cabinets and eat my feelings. And to restore my emotional balance, I watch Glee.


Let this be a lesson to you all. Get an emergency car kit, keep a kid-sized potty training toilet in the car at all times and NEVER EVER take Old Hickory Road to get home in a snow storm. 

FIND. ANOTHER. WAY.