How to make a bad impression - helicopters, eggs, and bobble heads.

First impressions are such an interesting moment in time. I remember when I first met Weston - we were at a kind of shady bar in town (real classy kids) and he was dressed in a pink shirt and a vest I haven't seen him wear since. Without going into all of the details, let's just say within the first five minutes of talking, he was inviting me to dinner with him and his boss and his boss's wife. Yep. A little forward. Turns out, his boss is actually his cousin and therefore it was not nearly as weird of an ask as I thought at the time. And no, his cousin did not join us on our first date... which is why the rest is history, over a year later. But based on that first meeting, I didn't walk out of that bar thinking - I just met my future boyfriend. I was instead thinking - I wish I liked my boss as much as that kid does...

Which is why the first episode of the Bachelorette is ALWAYS such a treat. First meetings are usually awkward, especially when televised. "Who is going to make a complete tool of themselves?" you wonder, with giddy anticipation. And every time it is about 95% of the guys, which makes for a fun two hours of TV. I thought I would recap my thoughts on this one by talking about what NOT to do while trying to make a good first impression, if, in an alternate universe I was Emily, the Bachelorette (and looked like her too.. :)

1. Do not, under any circumstances, speak in another language within the first three minutes of introducing yourself. You may think its sexy, but I have no idea what you're saying and I'm feeling stupid at the same time for not being all multi-cultural. Dora was after my time. So as you roll your tongue, I'm rolling my eyes.

2. If you are going to bring me a glass slipper and place it on my foot, bring two. What am I going to do with one glass slipper other than limp?! And make sure its a size 11 since my feet are massive. (I'm sure Emily has sweet, perfect, little angel feet - so this might not be relevant - but let's pretend she's Big Foot like me for fun). 

Just one?

3. I am more than my beauty - while I do look ah-mazing, talk to me about something other than how you are speechless and in awe of my beauty. Find the words. You have circled the mansion for three hours until the producers have finally released you to meet me. And as previously discussed, make sure those words are in English.

4. Let's hug just once - there is no reason to bear hug me in between every word you speak. I'm happy you're here too. But we just met and you were too speechless to speak / did not speak in my language / you're in shock over how pretty I am - so I think one hug is all you have earned.

Asking to borrow his lip gloss.

5. Yes, I am a single mom, and I do love my love-child daughter. But don't open with some BS about how you think the most attractive part about me is that I'm a mom. I look like a Barbie, so let's be honest - if the most attractive part of this bombshell situation is that I pushed a baby out of my who-hah, then we are truly not on this planet anymore.

6. Skate boards, helicopters and other non-conventional ways of making your entrance are over the top and simply not necessary. Especially the helicopter. Talk about napoleon complex - if you need a flying machine to make an impression, you must be hiding some other inadequacies... and the wind is going to mess up my hair, so overall its just not worth it.

7. Admit to what you really do - Mr. "Luxury Brand Expert" - please... you probably spray cologne at the Nordstrom and live off your daddy's trust fund. Figures you'd be the one to wear lip gloss and enter in the helicopter....

8. Do not make enemies on the first night - the little leprechaun dressed in green who was making a fuss already played the game all wrong. The first impression rose went to the sweet single dad who had his kid write a letter to Emily.... take notes - sweet wins over sour every time.

This is not cheese and therefore not okay.

9. Symbolism of any kind, is just as bad as the helicopter. Telling me, while you grope a large egg, that it represents how you will protect me and my daughter is just plain strange. And if you are going to go that route, just bring me a cheese tray and tell me I am just as awesome and wonderous as the cheese on the plate. The only form of acceptable symbolism must involve cheese, that you leave with me to consume in private.

Did this really happen?

10. Don't make me a bobble head and ask me to play dolls. Or dress up as a grandma. How many times have you seen the winner playback video of the couple's journey start with either of those things - never. Enough said.

It should be an interesting season friends. I hope for Emily's sake some of these guys can turn it around. I do like Arie, and of course the Nashvillian, Charlie. Those are my top two contenders for now - sweet, calm, good looking. Just like my Weston turned out to be :)