From the Muppets to the interrogation room

EXPLAIN YOURSELF!

In this kid-themed season of the Bachelorette featuring soccer practice and the Muppets, is it just me, or did Barbie go into full pressure mode way too soon? While I can accept that this is an unrealistic 8-week dating period, speeding up the "get to know you process," Emily was in rare form last night for first date behavior. If in the real world someone on a first date jumped into questions like, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" and dumped you upon your genuine response, there would be no relationships to speak of.

All I can say, is poor Joe. When he responds on their fantastical date at the West Virginia Greenbrier resort that he sees himself being happy and fulfilled - Emily shuts him down. Apparently, this is not a good enough answer to "fit into her life." She probes further. Lights dim. Cameras zoom.

Emily sternly: "Well what does that look like? What does that even mean?!"

I am an Emily fan, don't get me wrong, but girl has to chill at least until she has narrowed down the guy pool a bit more - you know, cut out the crazies. She couldn't have saved Joe and ditched one of the Alessandro's who we know are only being kept on for their multicultural status? Or the obnoxious MC who looks like a hobbit?  I think Joe was simply trying to deviate from the spoon-fed answer of - "well Emily, in five years I want to be married to you with four babies, coaching Ricki how to be a soccer star, cooking you dinner, winning the lottery and flying you to private islands on our jet plane that I will name The Emily." I respect him for that. I mean it's the FIRST DATE.

And while Emily was shape-shifting into an FBI agent, most of the guys were turning into Gaston versions of human, which if I were Emily I would just see right through. I am all about men being gentlemen but there is fine line between being kind and being a fake prince charming.

"Can I please take your hand?" (Can I please throw up. It's a hand. Just take it - Does this not remind you of Brad who practically asked the women permission to breathe?)

"I LOVE THE MUPPETS!"

"I liked you best in your mom clothes" (aka her Neiman Marcus top and designer jeans).

"I've been tossing and turning in my top bunk bed thinking of you."

"I'm going to wear as much lip gloss as possible so that you can't stop starring at my mouth," (okay Kalon didn't say the last one, but he has to be thinking it. Unless he has some chapped-lip disease he has to medicate, I will never quite understand the lip smackers action).

Couple of highlights we must talk about -

The Letter: No need to interrogate Ryan since he poured out his premature bull crap wrapped with words like "dreams," "best intentions" and "amazing," in a 25 page hand written letter. If I got that kind of letter after my first date with a man, I would run for the hills. Too much, too soon.

The Muppets: Tony and Kermit really shared a true rainbow connection, don't you think? He was so jazzed about spending time with yours and my favorite green puppet, and then tied it back to his son instead of just admitting he has a clear fetish for stuffed friends.

Emily's dancing: I did find her stiff hip popping slightly rhythmically challenged, but let's be honest - Barbie would look gorgeous rolling in dog poop. 

The guy's names: From Jef with one "f" (who I actually think is playing this all right - being quiet and shy) to the "Wolf" to Arie (who I also really like) - I have a feeling these guys either needed to have a unique name, a child, a head injury, or wear inordinate amounts of lip gloss to be cast on the show. Note to self - drop an "n" on the application. Or maybe throw in a silent "z." Jenzy it is.

The crying: Emily is already crying and it is only the first real episode of dating. I think we should buy some ponchos for this season since I have a feeling that is not the last of the water works we will be seeing.

Next week Emily get's even more feisty throwing eggs and maybe even ripping off bobble heads.
Can't wait.