Croatia killed the Rooster

Picturing Kalon as the target.

Off to Croatia... a country I'm not sure the guys had even heard of until Emily revealed the next location at the rose ceremony - they clinked their champagne and oooed and ahhhed, wondering in their minds - where the heck is that? When they pulled up in their motor boat they seemed absolutely stunned by its beauty. "Croatia is a different world - I didn't expect it to be like this." "Croatia is FREAKIN AWESOME."  It's not going to be a dump guys. This is ABC running the show - if they can afford to produce the brainless reality show Glass House, they can take you somewhere nice.


Once everyone settled in to their palaces, Travis was finally thrown an egg and got to have his first one-on-one date with Emily. And with that, those two "fishes out of water" walked along the streets of Dubrovnik, dancing to villagers music, laughing and trying to bust out of the friend zone. Emily was wearing flats for a change which to me indicated that Travis was not worth the foot pain of her standard four inch heel. The date can pretty much be summed up by the scene in which Travis was trying to balance on the ledge of the love wall and kept falling off.... yep. It was all downhill from there. 



Travis: That guy looks like Aladdin. Emily: When will this date be over?

At dinner, Emily, again sporting her "bad ass" leather jacket, asked Travis to define the kind of girl he normally dates. When he replied, "You to a "T" the cheesiness on the date hit an all-time high. But even compliments could not swoon Barbie - she was simply not falling for Travis the way he was falling off that wall. As expected, Emily looked at Travis and saw "just a friend" who used an egg to symbolize his loyalty - strike one - hadn't yet exposed his chest to her - strike two - and kind of looks like a younger Gary Levox from Rascal Flatts - strike three - and realized it was time to say goodbye. Travis was crushed understandably. He went from being on a date with Barbie in Croatia to walking down a street alone in the rain with a whimpy umbrella. 



Meanwhile, Emily moved on with the remaining guys, minus rooster hair who got the first second one-on-one date, to watch a thrilling and epic guy film sure to entertain all - Disney Pixar's Brave. Talk about product placement. What makes no sense to me is their market is children who likely are watching Hannah Montana and not the Bachelorette.... granted I will probably end up seeing this film - it looks fab and the accents are awesome - but let's be honest - I am not the average viewer.

Wait guys, what country are we in again?

Anyways, I digress. 

The guys commentary on the film was very entertaining -  "She got jipped, she only got to choose between three guys," and let's not forget Emily's epic connection with the lead character - "I want to be just like her (and Taylor Swift) - fearless!" And of course, Daddy Doug talks about how he can't wait to take his son to see it. Dear Doug. We know you are a single dad. We know you think you and Emily are peas in a single-parent pod. But ya gotta stop....



The group date then continued with a re-enactment of the Highland games - a Scottish tradition taken from the movie that they are acting out in Croatia.. confusing. Arie, John, Sean, Jef, Doug and Chris all competed in a series of tasks, and in the end the underdog, Chris, came out on top. The competitive juices were flowing, the lactic acid in their muscles were pumping and the testosterone was at an all time high - and yet the guys were in kilts riding on donkeys. Here is how I figure this whole thing played out:



Jef: I think I just pooped a little

Producers: Emily, we're going to teach you how to shoot a bow and arrow and edit you hitting the target. 
Guys - please reference the movie Brave as much as possible so that we meet the 50 times mentioned quota in our agreement with Disney.



Needless to say the guys think it is so sexy Emily can shoot a bow and arrow - she is just such a natural. She probably does archery in her backyard.... Next, the guys all compete in a series of edited down tasks and while Sean is clearly the strongest and "freakin hottest," Emily keeps up her girl-next-door persona by awarding the "Brave"ry cup (Disney $ in the bank) to Chris. 



In the evening portion of the date, Jef and Emily have some alone time in which Jef confesses he is scared of Emily and "like" can't believe "like" that he "like" feels "like" he has "like" the type of feelings that "like" people write "like" novels about. Dude - that line is cheesy enough but when you break it up with 15 likes, it just makes it slightly unbearable. He is still a sweetheart, and certainly a top runner but I in the end I don't think he is ready to be a "like" father or a "like" husband.

But who knows...

Unlike last week's circus, the one-on-one time on the group date was drama-free, and the rose truly seemed up for grabs, but Chris took home not only the bravery cup but the rose. It is just surprising to me - I don't see a connection between her and Chris. Definitely not the kind of feelings people write novels about. 



Cocky-doodle dooooooo (And did he borrow Ricki's tank top?)

The next morning it is time for Rooster Hair Ryan to finally hang himself with his cocky "gifted" personality. He doesn't even wait to leave the hotel before he is ranting on and on about how "the world is our oyster and you are the pearl..." the lines (and not just referring to his hairline) make me want to vomit. Ryan is like tarzan - beating his chest like he rules the earth while he plucks his toe hairs and stares at himself in the mirror for three hours talking about how he can manipulate any situation....Every morning he apparently asks himself - what do I want to be today? And every morning he must come up with - a jack ass. 



The date was a complete roller coaster ride - from driving Emily off the road - literally - to complimenting her with sappy lines, to then insulting her by calling her a trophy wife - the guy is text book for what not to do. And let's please not forget to talk about the top 12 things he looks for in a woman...

1. She thinks I am holier than God. 

2. She strokes my muscles and tells me I'm her King. 

3. She never ages and wouldn't dare get out of shape.

#12: She buys my hair product in bulk so I always have it handy

The list goes on and on. His self-indulgent qualifications should not have simply made Emily "doubt" his intentions, but rather run for the hills. When someone tells you, on a second real date no less - "God makes a promise to give us good things, you'd be a good promise" - you run. Emily finally saw the light and after debating for what felt like forever - fighting off his crazy-eye stare and car-salesman tactics - finally kicked Ryan off his pedestal and sent him home to Georgia. But not before he picked himself back up to make one last plea to the editors to "portray the man he truly is." No editing needed with this one - I think we got the picture.



Arie "snuck out" with a cameraman following him every step of the way, to share a sweet moment with Emily who apparently wasn't expecting him, but was still adorned in her golden ball gown from the evening with rooster. He proceeded to give her mouth to mouth resuscitation and assured her she made the right choice letting rooster fly back to his nest. I like Arie - but next week when he gets busted for having a prior relationship with the producer it will be interesting to see if truer colors come out. 



Emily: We're so sneaky pretending this drama isn't planned.

The rose ceremony was one big "reality" show cliche - after some touching talks where tears were shed and funeral cards traded, Emily was torn in so many different directions and didn't know what choice to make. As she arrived at the final magnetic rose bud, she froze, walked out without a word, and walked in on Chris Harrison hitting on a local Croatian to cryptically "discuss" what she wanted to do. [Side note: Chris truly does have those dramatic hand gestures nailed down].

Meanwhile Doug and John are left, hearts pounding - Doug is crying out for his son and John "Wolf" is howling on the inside. 

Finally Chris enters - "Emily - the extra rose you asked for?"

Relief spread across the room, everyone is safe, Doug peed a little in relief, and John lasts another week. 



Next week we get raw footage in Prague and the Arie drama finally unfolds! Cannot wait.