London Calling the Hood-Rat out of Emily

Finally writing about yours and my favorite quest for love is like a breath of fresh air. It has been such a crazy two weeks with lots of fun and news (details to come in a more "about me" post) but let's be honest, you would much prefer to read about Emily than my life. So, for now let's focus on my bff Emily, love-child, rooster hair, 12-year-old, and the rest of the characters in her storybook romance. I realize I am two episodes behind. TWO. And you all missed my rantings like a dog misses its bone. But I am back in action and ready to recap for you not one, but both episodes of The Bachelorette.

Where to begin.... How about across the pond?

Crap. I forgot what that big clock tower is calle

I studied abroad in London and absolutely loved it, and so this episode was a nostalgic and visual treat for me as a viewer. For those of you who have not been - no need to visit now since Emily is the most informative and charismatic tour guide on the planet - you basically were there. "And there is a building that... wait, I can't remember what the producers just fed to me before they screamed "Action!".... well its probably really old... and this is a double-decker bus and yeah... London rocks!" Please...

Emily and love-child channeled their inner-Kate Middleton donning top hats and petticoats gallivanting through the streets. Meanwhile the guys got a stern 25-feet-away-and-therefore-shouting pep-talk from Chris Harrison in Trafalgar Square about this weeks' dates. Kalon is mad he is not in control - shocking. The sun is shining - actually shocking for rainy London. And Emily sounds like an emphysema patient.

Sean got the first one-on-one. They hit up Hyde Park and happened to "stumble" upon speaker's corner so Sean decided to profess his poetic thoughts on love. Emily is "stunned" by his confidence as she led Sean in four-inch heels (typical sight-seeing attire) to a charming date inside the Tower of London where people have been murdered. Cute. Sean got the rose - no surprise there. Emily "likes her kisses with Sean" - duh - that is like me saying - confession guys: I really like cheese. All very predictable, but sweet. He is a front-runner to me for sure.

Choo.. Choo.. Choo...  KABOOOOM!

The group date was a mess - take Nascar Arie, egg-hoarder Travis, lip-smackers sociopath Kalon, rooster-hair (and now) scarf-obsessed Ryan, Daddy Doug, the invisible man Alejandro, Wolfman John and poor man's Luke Bryan Chris to a park and ask them to act out Shakespeare and what you get is a train wreck. Oh and let's not forget most of the guys never passed high school English, Emily cannot act and has only 10% of a voice, and Kalon is Romeo, when we all know his glossy lips were much more suited for the Nurse. The train didn't just wreck, it imploded.

Speaking of implosions, the evening group date is where things really got heated. Daddy Doug threw "one of the guys" aka - sociopath Kalon under the bus for something he "said" but was not aired on camera in regard to love-child being "baggage." Emily acts shocked Kalon would say such a thing. Really Em? He wears lip gloss, looks constipated 95% of the time, told you he likes to be in control, always imagined his first child as his own, and likes it better when he is talking, and you're not. Drop the shock and awe sista - it makes good TV but makes you look like a fool. 

Emily was livid - aka wanted to get "backwoods, hood-rat on his ass," and yet, handle it gracefully - an oxymoron if I've ever heard one. In my opinion she should have handled it one-on-one with Kalon, but instead, Doug got all excited, rolled up his sleeves and set up the scene like a circus - Guys! Circle around, Kalon is about to get back-wooded, whatever that means! Emily got hood-rat, Kalon tried to explain by singing Miranda Lambert's "Baggage Claim" which did him no good, so she sent him home and proceeded to be so shaken and upset, no one could console her - not even the "hero / tattle tale" Daddy Doug. (Guess that whole move didn't work out for him). Emily is then appalled that no one other than Doug came to her sooner. Doug sports a prideful grin, while the other guys bow their head, cursing Fish Stick (Ben on last season) for setting the wrong example by reprimanding his contestants for coming to him with concerns about other girls and not just focusing on "their relationship." She covets the rose and goes home to snuggle with love-child, leaving the guys in a pool of guilt and shame. Cheerio Kalon. See you on Men Tell All.

Wait, so this tea isn't even spiked? What show is this?!

Luckily the next day, precious 12-year-old Jef was there to cheer her up. He made out like a bandit missing the train wreck and not being one of the "deceitful ones," which he milks by looking at her with puppy eyes saying he was going to tell her and defended her...yeah, yeah, okay. This coming from the guy who hasn't had the guts to even kiss her yet. They then have a very scripted and stuffy lunch date with a British etiquette teacher which was all around awkward.  "Escaping" that, they had privacy and "connection" time in the London Eye where finally Jef confessed he wanted someone to share the details with - poetic - while Emily played coy so Jef with one "f" thought she was "cool." Their relationship to me is like two kids on a middle-school playground. A little sweet, and a little annoying. They finally kiss, queue the fireworks.

The rose ceremony was just more hood-rat "slapping on the wrist" for the Kalon incident. Dear Emily. Cool it. Kalon sucks, he is gone, and in the guy's defense in Bachelor history being a tattle-tale has not always worked out so well.

Alejandro gets the axe - about time. We hardly knew him, other than the fact he watched a lot of Dora, had earrings and had no connection with Emily. The remaining dudes wipe the sweat from their brows and clink their champagne glasses ready for the next adventure to Croatia.

This is long so I am going to post Croatia in another entry - stay tuned!

(I have to credit the funny bubble thought pics to - http://www.melgotserved.com)