Luke Bryan's evil twin loses his cool in Prague

You boring. Bring back love-child!

By now you know, the first ten minutes of every episode sets the scene. This part was much more interesting when love-child was prancing around in little hats and memorizing flash cards. Emily opening double windows and stoically staring her barbie doll face out into the landscapes of paradise - over it. 



This was by far the biggest week, according to Chris Harrison - a huge step forward - which is what Chris should have taken so he wouldn't have had to scream to the remaining six guys and use such large hand gestures across a Prague courtyard.

Arie got the first date and apparently "no one expected it" except for Emily who can't take her face off his, and the producers who were finally ready for the "on-screen" "raw footage" drama to unfold in regards to his past "we-dated-twice-10-years-ago" relationship. 

Emily greeted Arie wearing a burka and shorts - clearly some climate confusion here - but at least this time they gave her a book to play barbie tour guide for the afternoon. Arie, digging deep into his cultural roots - screamed "English? English?" throughout the streets, as they kissed and walked of course leaving enough breathing room for Emily to passive aggressively hint at his dishonesty. From making him rub "loyalty" dogs, to shooting him crazy eyes while expressing how important trust and openness is to her, the whole thing felt like one big set up.

Then the editors cut to a scene clearly filmed back in Charlotte, probably before shooting even began since this was their plan all along - and you would have thought Chris Harrison was interrupting programming to announce a terrorist attack....

Cassie was the only "raw" thing about this footage

The "full disclosure" sequence was clearly just as scripted as the rest of the show and became like a bizarre scene of candid camera - and yet they didn't even show us the best part - the actual confrontation with Arie. Cut to Emily and Arie both making oogly eyes and Emily apologizing for being hard on him... wow. Let. Down.

We ended the night with Arie professing his love to Emily and therefore making her the most happiest girl. Then there were fireworks - in his pants and in the sky.



Next, Emily went on a date with John - who we don't really know and who get's kicked off in the end of this episode anyways, so we are going to make this part brief. There is not much sparkle to John - he has a ton of sappy sob stories, but other than that, he's not a lot of fun. Their love lock didn't connect, they painted an ambiguous boat on a wall - it was a chemistry experiment gone all wrong.

The search continued... in her mouth.

After their bland date, John returned glowing, and Sean decided in that moment he just simply HAD TO SEE EMILY (despite the fact he had a group date with her 8 hours later). So he ran through the streets of Prague screaming out her name with the hope of being able to find her. How ever will he succeed? Perhaps the camera crews surrounding them both, the fact the producers set this up all along, and Emily creepily hanging out in an alley-way wearing a Lord of the Rings cloak with 13 lights around her helped. No GPS needed - he just followed his heart and it led him to her remote location. Puhlease. They proceeded to make out in a cafe and Emily seemed simply over the moon. 



Enough said.

Emily's group date with Sean, Chris and Daddy Doug was pretty eventful. First, Daddy Doug (who just couldn't wait to play in castles with his son some day) got the "about time" shaft after treating Emily like she had cooties and later attacking her face with a 5th grade smooch AS HE WAS BEING DUMPED. Yes, he sure was a "day late and a dollar short" with that one - is this guy for real? We could talk a lot more about this but in the interest of time, we are moving on to Crazy Chris's emotional break down. 



Chris, Chris, Chris. Unlike host Harrison, contestant Chris is not cool, calm and collected at all. In fact, he is having a full-on Jenna-from-Ben's-season classic-bachelor breakdown. And this was even before the date started. Put Dougy on a plane home and what you end up with is Chris's worst nightmare - a two-on-one with Sean, aka Ken doll, in a dungeon.

Let's cut to the short -hand notes I took while watching the show: 


Chris: Where's a chain saw when you need it?

Chris seems violent

Sean and Emily are like Barbie and Ken

Chris is about to commit suicide

Sean and Emily can't stop making out

Chris is at a boiling point
Sean gets the rose

Chris is losing it

Sean is beaming

Chris sulks - someone get this guy a Valium stat. 



Emily's puppet: You are cool. Jef's puppet: Thanks mommy!

Finally, Emily and Jef have a one-on-one during which they role-play their relationship with puppets - a perfectly suitable activity for our 12-year-old contestant. I really do like Jef a lot - and especially his "unique" way of expressing how he wants to marry the sh*t out of her - but come the end of the day, I do not think this mama's boy is strong or manly enough. Emily wants a lot of kids, but I don't think she wants her husband to be one of them.  



At the rose ceremony, Emily reintroduced her southern backwoods attitude and told Chris Harrison she don't need no cocktail party - which put Crazy Chris in a tailspin. Arie got the first rose - duh. Emily is already planning her outfit for that parental visit - Sean had the rose from the one-on-one, Jef got a rose - no surprise there, and then we are left with Chris and John - both about to wet their pants with anxiety.

In the final moments, Chris interrupts Emily as she stares deeply into the rose, contemplating the meaning of life and just HAS TO TALK TO EMILY RIGHT NOW. His tantrum pays off, Chris stays and John gets the axe - but at least he got to ride off in a classy town car, compared to the mini-van cabs of past departures. 



Next week we head to the homes of the remaining four guys. My predictions - Chris is next to go, but after that, it's anyone's guess.

*I know I have been so late with these recently and by the time all 20 of you read these recaps, its old news. I'm sorry, I'm busy and important. But you know what is  NEW news?! SURI'S PARENTS AKA TOM AND KATIE CRUISE ARE GETTING DIVORCED... there. I added something ground breaking. Suck it.