Losing my Cheetos at Rooster Hair

I don't work out :( I'm so damaged.

After an awesome weekend celebrating Emma's birthday at the Icon pool and enjoying Sunday night trivia at Cabana, I woke up feeling groggy, full of cake and unprepared for a full work week. But knowing getting through the day meant watching my girl find "true love" in Bermuda definitely put a little spunk in my step.

This week ABC took Emily and the brooding hopefuls to Bermuda, love child in tow. From the scooter parade to actually hearing Alejandro speak a full sentence, the show got off to a sunny start.

Let's talk for a minute about Doug. At first I thought Doug was a nice normal baby-daddy, but now I am realizing Doug is more of a sociopath than even Kalon. At least Kalon flaunts his lip-gloss wearing, helicoptering, douche-bagginess, whereas Doug hides it beneath a facade of daddy talk, muscles and "maturity." His temper is scary, (or as he would call - his "grouchiness") and then like a light-switch he is back to being all "perfect" the minute Emily walks through the door. Not a fan.

Despite the awkward tension at the start, Emily was all smiles parading Doug around the streets of Bermuda encouraging him to fawn over trinkets in a store as if they were strippers and write a postcard to his son (how about a freakin phone call?). And of course reminiscing about the charity he started to show his son "one man can make a difference." There is less cheesiness in Velveeta than there was on this date. Emily says she has such a connection with Doug, which must explain why she asks him really romantic questions at dinner like "what do people hate about you?" And then the part that really made me feel genetically cursed - hearing Emily talk about how her flaw is that she doesn't work out. Excuse me while I go throw up the Cheetos I was eating. The only thing more bizarre than hearing Emily talk about how her perfect body takes no work at all, was the staring contest during which "Just Doug" didn't have the guts to just kiss the girl. Referencing your grandpa does not justify your lack of balls.

Moving onto the sailing competition, all I can say is I want to punch rooster-hair Ryan in the face. His receding hairline is matching his ever-receding charm as these episodes progress. His middle-school flirting tactics, unjustified confidence, and blatant stupidity is hard to watch to say the least.

You can definitely tell Kalon prefers helicopters over sail boats, as the race starts and the ketchup and mustard team fight to the finish. Meanwhile Emily sighs, "I hate watching guys compete," which explains why she would go on a reality show competition to find love, doesn't it? The red teams loses in what was probably a 10-foot race edited to look like a regatta, and gets to spend the rest of the night wooing Emily (or in Ryan's case, calling Emily a trophy wife, ignoring her questions as he says how their babies would be pretty turret-syndrome style, and plotting to be the next Bachelor). And the rose goes to Jef, the 12-year old. He is sweet, but I just don't get the interest.

The Wolf

And then comes the Bermuda triangle date with the two "vanilla" guys in the group we haven't heard much from - aka they are normal, but therefore going to lose. Nate and the Wolf cliff dove with Emily in the sun enjoying the day, but as soon as night fell, it was game time. Nate attempted to show Emily his fun and mature side by crying about his ex-girlfriend - which I will say I find sweeter and more genuine than having the name "Wolf." However, I do see why Emily might have felt worried he was not ready for all of this. As the water dripped on the rocks in the silent cave Emily sent cry-baby home and choose Wolfman - who is sure to be sent home next week.

12-year-old Jef and his runaway hair

Before the rose ceremony, we must squeeze in a vocabulary lesson with love child. Too bad Kalon wasn't there to help, since I am pretty certain he only uses "blue words" in life. Back at the resort, Alejandro thinks they "have something," Jef is wearing knee high socks, and Ryan is asking Emily why she thinks she is worthy and how she is going to use her position to do something great. At this point, I am throwing my Cheetos at the television. Meanwhile, Doug and Kris are having a fallout over age - seriously guys? Neither one of them are acting like men, if you ask me. 12-year old Jef doesn't seem to have a complex and he is a front-runner.

I absolutely love Sean and I think her and Arie will go far, despite the fact both guys kiss like they are digging for treasure back there. Two people went home - pony tail and the Nashvillian Charlie, who currently works at one of my favorite restaurants Urban Flatts and volunteers at the children's hospital. What a catch ladies - go get him!