Things I do not believe in.

This looks like a blast, right?!

Without any kind of eloquent introduction, today we are going to talk about things I do not believe in, because you know what - it just feels like a good day to get real with you about these things. This way, in the event you DO believe in these things, we don't end up in an awkward conversation where I have to do the "smile and nod" to be polite as you rave about your 15 miles on the treadmill / park trail (for example). So let's dig in...

1. Indoor cardio machines - Listen, I know cardio is great for your heart and endorphins are internal happy fairies awakening your inner Pharrell Williams. I know sometimes we end up in an eternal winter (no, this does NOT just happen in Disney movies...this happens in Nashville) and sometimes you need to sweat it out on a hamster-wheel. I get it. All I'm saying is - if it didn't exist, I wouldn't cry about it.

SERIOUSLY LADY. LAY OFF...

2. Winter in April - The saying goes "April showers bring May flowers." SHOWERS is the key word in this phrase... not to be confused with FREEZING RAIN and/or SNOW. And you know what? If April sunshine brought May weeds... I would totally be okay with that. I really would.

3. Pity parties lasting longer than 30 seconds - This is a new rule I have recently established in my life to try to get off the bitch train after 30 seconds of fussing about whatever it is that is making my inner Pharrell Williams cry. That means if I find myself on a treadmill, I'm only allowed to hate the world for 30 seconds (which is why I usually only stay on there for 29...).

4. Outdoor cardio of the sprinting variety - What is better than a walk, jog, skip or frolick in the lovely sunshine?! Cheese and Celine Dion are pretty much the only exceptions here. But it would probably take someone chasing me while not-equipped with my key-chain pepper spray for this to become anything close to a sprint. I believe in joint-protection and being able to breathe.

We don't talk like you.. ever

5. The show Nashville - Just... everything happening here is all wrong. For all of my shared sentiments on this, check out this brilliant post from Brittney McKenna.

"I OWN YOU. DON'T FORGET IT."

6. Monograms - Sorority girls everywhere are about to riot against me but there is a time and a place to tout your pride for your initials. In my opinion, it does not exist on every single thing you own. A towel here and there - awesome. But if you have a desire to tattoo your body with your initials, people are just going to think you have a habit of forgetting your own name....I'm just saying.

7. Grain-free bread - Sounds like winter in April, doesn't it?! Well, I am trying to domesticate myself a bit more while E is off saving the world and part of this includes trying new recipes. As you guys know already, I am not exactly graceful in the kitchen. But a friend of mine told me about "grain-free bread" and I thought - hey, why not! Let me just tell you now - there are SO MANY reasons why not. I don't think even Harry Potter could make separated eggs, cream cheese and spices into bread...

8. One-upping - As we discussed last week, everyone is going through something, and I think "to each their own," is a mantra that is far too easily ignored these days. When you are super duper hungry, on the verge of HANGRY, do you want someone reminding you that there are children starving in Africa? Probably not. Let everyone feel what they feel  (so long as they don't feel that grain-free bread is delicious. If they feel that - smack them) and revisit #3 when you think you have it worse. 

I will love you forever. Come what may.

9. Dairy intolerance - Listen, if you have it - POWER THROUGH. Nothing should keep you from cheese... NOTHING.

10. Bad timing - Of course we all have experienced our bouts of bad luck. But I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. In the days or even months when you feel like God is playing a joke on you, you have lost hope, or you find yourself chained to the toilet after indulging in some cheese, just remember you are exactly where you are supposed to be (maybe if you weren't stuck in the bathroom you would have ended up on a TREADMILL!) - and everything will work out as it should. Until then, there is always that magical liquid that me and Jesus BOTH believe in - wine (goes great with the cheese.... just saying).