Me and Luda are on a Luda basis. NBD.

Do I usually watch you? I'm thinking I don't.

We have a big night coming up with the premiere of The Bachelorette tomorrow. Prior to that my inner dance freak will be pirouetting over the season finale of Dancing with the Stars.

HOWEVER, I have decided to still comment on the 2014 Award Show No One Really Cares About - known as the Billboard Music Awards. Maybe people care? Maybe I am just super country-centric and therefore figure that if it is not the CMA Awards or the Grammy's, we don't care? But for all intents and purposes, tonight we are going to care, together, in real time. So here we go. 

The whole freakin moon just shot out of JLo's finger.

Right out the gate, it seems to me like Pitbull sings the same song and does the same performance at every award show, all the time. 17 Latin girls gyrate behind him. He prances around, bouncing that beautiful bald head, on occasion singing in tune and of course throwing in some Rosetta Stone action.

We finally see some spice when Mr. Clean tosses it to my girl crush JLo who is so magical that stars and shit are flying from her hips and hands - lots of power in that booty. Another pair of boobs completes the latin trio opener. Somewhere, Juan Pablo is drooling. The one big takeaway from this performance - "we are one" multicultural booty drop away from a strip club.

It had to be done.

Okay... so who is this hosting? That rapper dude. Luda-something... oh right. Ludacris (thanks google). His enunciation is a bit intense. Why are you reprimanding me with your intro?

OH HERE'S MY GIRL SHANIA. Don't need to google how to spell her name. She is presenting Top Rock Album which is a bit... unexpected. But she looks hot. Wow... I actually know some of these songs. Good for me...Imagine Dragons takes it home. We have Jesus in a Elvis inspired wind-breaker, and three other dudes. Very eloquent speech.

Just the son of God in a spunky jacket. NBD.

I freakin LOVE One Republic. I saw them at Fontanel last summer and I seriously had the best night jumping around like a crazy person. They truly rock live. His hair is a bit flock of seagulls but hey, he is actually singing and in tune. I just have to wonder if the stars he is counting are the same ones shooting out of JLo's ass.... hmm...

Who are these Latin "Hit Me Baby One More Time" wannabes? I guess furbies on your sneakers and making chewbacca sounds is "fancy?" Who knew. Ariana Grande looks like an Oreo cookie / Nascar race flag (couldn't decide). She can actually sing which I appreciate. That half-up hairstyle she always sports is a little tired, though. Try a full on pony just for shits and giggles?

 BK -  For the love of God, buy some real pants.

You cannot escape the success FGL has had this past year - one of their 15 current singles is constantly on the radio in a loop. And here they are proudly representing Nashville and how "we" roll - except let's set the record straight - their wardrobe is NOT how we roll. Tyler's shirt ties up like a corset and Brian's ripped up T and grass-stained pants look like he just filmed a scene in a zombie apocalypse movie. A bit confused about that situation.

Shakira's hips still don't lie. And as a side note, I think she would make a stellar ventriloquist - how is all of that sound coming out of that tiny mouth that barely opens... When she goes up in pitch her mouth just closes in tighter. It's bizarre. Oh that high note at the end saw a little tonsil... I retract.

Billboard 200 Album - I hope Beyonce wins so that Kanye doesn't shoot anyone. What a versatile category. Oh wait, JT is my man. He better win.... Kanye will just have to DEAL. YAY --- JT is overseas... but he is super excited. So are the all the fancy restaurant waiters behind him.

Maybe try actually reading with those glasses...

Kendall Jenner... what just happened?! I think we just saw her have a mini-stroke, coming up for air just in time to tell America she is the worst reader ever....?! We need to get her and John Travolta in a class together to work this presenting thing out.

Luda wants you to make noise. All the time. Just in case you were wondering. And yes - I am giving myself permission to call him Luda (even though at the start of this post I googled how to spell his name).

Disney Princess meets Black Swan

Carrie freakin Underwood. Just stop it. You're so flawless. Your face is a little too spray-tanned but I'm going to give you a pass since everything else is perfect, always. And for contrast - Lorde wins, and she is wearing a gorilla... so really, YOU win. She is quite eloquent in her speech though. This has got to be a Gaga thing.. dress insane and let the talent speak for itself or something? Bizarre.

Wha?!

And in that same camp we have Katy Perry wearing a hot pink raincoat and slime green pigtails. Oh, and a circus threw up on her stockings... correction...body suit. It's like the human manifestation of an acid trip. Hate to pop your balloon KP but you just abandoned that little birthday girl you dragged on stage to sit by herself surrounded by a crew of doodle bops. She now wishes she was not born.

Imagine Dragons - I enjoy them. One dude has a mustache. The lead singer has a shirt decorated with black string tape. We will overlook this because the drumming up front is kind of mesmerizing.

Let's take a moment to discuss all cut-in audience shots. They are always SUPER awkward - the person never quite knows the words and / or is Taylor Swift doing the robot (who I haven't seen yet by the way... where is she?!) In this case - the words "Nobody else can take me higher" caught on real quick so the audience knows what to do with their mouth. Success.

Luke Bryan just won for the Flint River song. Phillip and him go to Flint River all the time y'all. That is how they roll. Then they proceed to have a very deep conversation in the award exit all about catfish dinners, I assume.

Keisha looks lovely and then opens her mouth and all of that elegance just flies far far away to that magical place where her brain lives. Brad rocks it. Luda makes sure every word cuts like a knife. And now we're about to see Michael Jackson?!

Nothing is shooting out of his fingers.... because he ISN'T REAL.

Holy shit this is FREAKY. Do you think the audience has 3D glasses for this?! I dont know how I feel..... I think I am going to land on feeling very weird inside about this. Pretty amazing technology but... yeah I'm still feeling weird. Maybe it's not the hologram at all, but rather the Egyptian alien storm troopers dancing around him?! Undecided.

Ricky Martin, I personally am glad you are still livin la vida loca. But are we sure this isn't the Latin Music Awards?! No need to tune into that show now - Billboard has it covered. He too is celebrating people of every nation. A very lyrically empowering theme I am noticing here among the Latin community. But hey - that's great. Better than whatever Luda probably "sings" about.

Luke wants us to play it again. Pretty standard. Back to this sponsored advertisement for Chevrolet and the milestone award with the Beyonce and Ellie Kemper wannabes (ooo low blow Kelly Rowland...my bad, my bad).

Channeling the tennis Gods?

Robin Thicke wins for best R&B song. Hope that award keeps him warm at night since those blurred lines got real kinds of clear when his beautiful wife left his dirty cheating ass. Oh wait - he just thanked his wife.... that was weird. I'm going to have to google the status of that later.

Now THIS is how we roll....

Lorde is another one of MJ's martians. Oh wait, it's just the shadow of a hat. This song is called Tennis Court.... not sure I'm getting the metaphor here. Too distracted by the possessed ticking to pay attention to the meaning...

Brad is back again announcing Carrie and Miranda and I am SUPER EXCITED about this performance of "Something Bad" - They look freakin hot and their bouncing is impressively synchronized with the exception of Carries rogue right knee dig. I have to say - I am not that into this song though.... a bit Aerosmith-esque which isn't bad, just not what I expected. But they're so hot who cares. Blake and the hockey dude are totally getting some later.

Disney would be so proud....

Streaming artist goes to Miley who has hot pink face stripes and a large mouth licking her boobs. I want to give her a hug and send her to rehab, but ya know - not my place. 

John Legend is just pure class, as is his gorgeous wife. He has such a velvet voice and we ladies are all secretly wishing we were Chrissy Teigen. Likely, so are our men because she is freakin hot.

Best country song goes to FGL - amazing and not surprising! Definitely support the wardrobe change to the classic black T and vest.

Let's fly to Manchester where Miley Cyrus is carrying the entire nation's inventory of tinsel for this Christmas on her shoulders. Her silver counterpart is licking the stage floor now.... things are getting weird and I have to fast forward. I don't do drugs for a reason.

Milestone award goes to Carrie Underwood - YAY. I am so excited for her!!!! I am not sure entirely what this award means, but hey - no more Chevrolet ads so that is a win all in itself.

Robin Thicke is singing about getting his woman back. Things are coming together now even without google. No lady back-up dancers - quite the stripped down performance where girls aren't stripping down... I'd say an improvement since the Miley foam-finger incident. Minus that moment on his knees where an audience member was forced to stare at his crotch. 

Artist of the Year goes to JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE. Love him. Oooooooh wow, he just made a Donald Sterling comment... there might be some strings attached to that one JT...

Exits are in the left and rear of the cabin.

Icon award goes to my girl JENNY FROM THE BLOCK. Wow - the first sight of Taylor happens here in the JLo behind the music section?! TSwift must be on tour or something...?! I might have to google that too.

Back to Jennifer - she is just all kinds of awesome. She could also be a kick ass flight attendant with those strong directional hand motions. Great performance and I think she is actually singing which is always impressive with that kind of hair-flipping and bodily movement happening on stage. With a little Ain't No Mountain High Enough mash-up.... yes....I'm in a good place. So proud to be a Jenny. Might need to google translate that one part in her speech but the rest was spot on (google should really pay me for all of these plugs... I mean right?!)

Luda. Out.

Jenny. Out. See ya tomorrow for THE BACHELORETTE!