I don't know how to feel... but are we sure these guys are straight?

So far I don't think you're totally annoying. So that's good.

After having an exhilarating time watching the Dancing With the Stars finals, I went to my DVR to switch over to the Bachelorette, which has been set up as a series pass since the beginning of time. Yet, by some regrettable twist of fate it did not record and so the first half hour of the show was lost forever.

The girls and I (mainly me) were very, very upset. We missed re-meeting Andi Dorfman, watching her walk along a sunset beach talking about her quest for love, laced with repeat footage from her appearance in Juan Pablo's season of The Bachelor, where she cracks down on crime and dramatically approaches the bench once given permission. But more importantly, we missed meeting the guys and forming our own impressions of how this season might go down.

I felt so disjointed, turning on the channel in a panic as one of the last few guys exited the limo. We apaprently missed some guy saying his name was like "anal" but with an "e".... aka, maybe we didn't miss so much after all? But still, I questioned, how am I supposed to feel about these guys?! I didn't know. I didn't know how to FEEL. How could this happen?! 

So handsome - so so sad and tragic, my heart breaks

And then, we meet Eric. We caught his tribute on the tail-end of what I had recorded for DWTS. This charming explorer would hands down be one of my favorites so far, and yet the entire time I was watching him step out of the limo and interact with Andi, I felt like I was seeing a ghost. He seemed like a really great guy, and it is just devastating to think what his family must be going through, introducing their son to the world after he has passed - watching his final days on an ABC reality show...

These days with my Erik (thank goodness for the "k" or else I really would have been freaked out) in Afghanistan, I don't do things related to death. Even if a movie or book has the potential of someone dying, I bail. I need to stay in my happiness bubble and not go to that emotional place where death could be, hence my love for DWTS where the only drama is if toes aren't pointed or lifts pop out a shoulder, only to miraculously be popped in so the fox trot can commence. 

So as I am sure you can imagine, the last hour of the show was a bit blah. Andi seems cool, and the guys are the normal cast of characters. And ABC still thinks we are idiots. 

Am I right?!?!

Chris (who we all call Shark) from Emily's season of the Bachelorette came back to win Andi's heart?! The drama by craft service (total product placement for Coffee Mate by the way - there were like 16 bottles behind the "action") where Chris was being restrained by a security guard 100 pounds overweight and channeling Ice Cube's grandfather was just pathetic. The whole thing was set up to promote Chris in the latest spin-off show, Bachelor Paradise. If there was anything to merit Chris chasing after Andi, surely they would have had some history, and in turn, Andi wouldn't have dismissed him so quickly to be "fair" to a bunch of dudes she literally met five minutes ago. She was so scripted in her "decision-making thought-process".... lame. The whole thing, lame. Chris Harrison is just glad he had a job to do this episode "mediating the issue."

Cool it Betty Crocker... okay, WINE I can do...

Let's talk about the cookie guy - Marquel, 26, is a sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, NV, except since we came in all dazed and confused, I had no idea what he did for a living, and was simply praying he was some kind of bakery owner to merit the bizarre cookie buffet. She is all smitten like, "I love cookies so much! This is great!" when really she has got to be thinking - dude, first of all, I'm not white so the half black and white cookie thing is inaccurate. Second of all, my spanx cannot fit my oxygen let alone a cookie... please put these away.

There is a pantsaprenuer named JJ.... ?! We googled this profession. Nada. Then we saw the eccentric pair he flaunted during their one-on-one time and we figure he might be gay. I will say, his profession at least trumps being a "dog lover."

Plus he has your wedding covered

There are a few guys right out the gate that have swagger - Tasos (the rocker-looking wedding planner?!) is not my type, but I can tell he has some game with the whole speaking about "juice with ice" in french thing. Nick V. is very sweet, but to bring the family baggage up the first night... not recommended. Then again, he did get the first impression rose so perhaps that was a swift move with this compassionate family-loving crime stopper.

The opera singer has got to go.... it only worked for Sharleen because she kept her mouth shut until date 7, and even then was quite humble / constipated about her talent.

Patrick and Andrew just started a bromance, and surely it won't be long before JJ makes it a trio based on his pants preference.

Chris, the fourth generation family farmer from Iowa will definitely go far - he seems sweet and authentic. Then there is Marcus who, based on the porno music ABC played in the background of their one-on-one time heats things up and goes pretty far.

Here's a quick break down of each of the men leftover in the order in which they were rosed (thanks abc.com)

1. J J, 30, a pantsapreneur from San Francisco, CA - Gay?
2. Eric, 31, an explorer from Citrus Heights, CA - So so so sad. ugh.
3. Marquel, 26, a sponsorship salesman from Las Vegas, NV - Turns into the cookie monster based on scenes for upcoming episodes
4. Craig, 29, a tax accountant from Denver, CO - A little gay? Maybe I'm confusing him with Carl?
5. Tasos, 30, a wedding event coordinator from Denver, CO - Polish, multilingual and likes juice
6. Josh M., 29, a former professional baseball player from Atlanta, GA - I don't know how to feel
7. Brian, 27, a basketball coach from Camp Hill, PA - I don't know how to feel
8. Bradley, 32, an opera singer from Holland, MI - He's gotta go
9. Marcus, 25, a sports medicine manager from Dallas, TX - He will make it very far, "her type"
10. Andrew, 30, a social media marketer from Culver City, CA - I don't know how to feel
11. Ron, 28, a beverage sales manager from Memphis, TN - Confused about where he lives since he said he was from Nashville?! Not the same place, dude. Like... at all.
12. Carl, 30, a firefighter from Fort Lauderdale, FL- I don't know how to feel
13. Chris, 32, a farmer from Arlington, IA - Definitely a top contender
14. Brett, 29, a hairstylist from Westminster, PA - Maybe a little gay? Honestly, I don't know how to feel but hairstylist just made me go there - sorry
15. Dylan, 26, an accountant from Boston, MA - I don't know how to feel
16. Patrick, 29, an advertising executive from Newport Beach, CA- I don't know how to feel
17. Cody, 28, a personal trainer from Chicago, IL - This guy looks exactly like Mackelmore and I think he might be on roids based on scenes for this season
18. Nick S., 27, a professional golfer from Kissimmee, FL - Boring
*FIR: Nick V., 33, a software sales executive from Chicago, IL - Cute enough
*When I say "gay" I don't mean stupid because that is crass. I literally mean might like boys and maybe doesn't know it yet. 

THE REJECTS -

• Emil, 33, a helicopter pilot from Costa Mesa, CA - Reason #2500 not to compare the pronunciation of your name to a place shit comes out
• Jason, 35, an urgent care physician from Sturgeon Bay, WI - I don't know how to feel
• Josh B., 29, a telecommunication marketer from Denver, CO - At first I thought this guy was super cute and then he turned into the hulk during his exit - what a douche bag. Someone has got to get him a glass of water and some anger management
• Mike, 29, a bartender from Alta, UT - I don't know how to feel
• Rudie, 31, an attorney from Long Beach, CA - He was "aiming for the fences" and really wanted to knock it out of the park, and now he has a two hour drive back to reality... I think he will be okay
• Steven, 30, a snowboard product developer from Encinitas, CA - I don't know how to feel 

On this season of the Bachelorette - tears, cussing, ambulances, crying, world tour, Cookie monster, Mackelmore on roids, someone wants to burn down the house, too good to be true, ripping of the mic pack - DRAMA.

Should be interesting. I promise I will be more in touch with my feelings next week.