Where does the time go?

And just like that a week goes by.... It amazes me how quickly the summer days fly away from me without me even truly realizing it. June is almost over - that is unreal. And while this summer is certainly not short on heat and humidity, it is short on time for me to sit down and write. But we all know that having a busy balance is the way I like to live. I love plans, I love looking forward to things, and I love routine. All of those things have been happening, which makes Nashville feel more and more like home every day.

Things have been so crazy recently with the start of my new job last week. I am really enjoying the work, the people I work with and even the schedule. Getting up everyday at 5:30pm to go to the gym is tough, but then again, by doing so I save myself the rush hour traffic that would force me to leave the house pretty early anyways, and at least I get my workout over with before the day even feels like it starts.

I am finally starting to get into some real client interaction at work, which feels productive and fulfilling, and I think I am going to really like the routine and the purpose I feel while at work. The days go by pretty quickly too. The truth is, I am used to the summer 9 to 5 job because of my internships in the past, so it is not a huge culture shock. But there are two major differences this time around that separate this job from anything else I have ever done before: #1 I will not be going back to school in the fall, AND #2: DRUM ROLL PLEASE.... I GET PAID. Today I received my first pay check for my first serious job and it was the most incredible feeling to have a check after only one week of work, and on top of that, to have that check be substantial! It was such a pleasant surprise. On top of that, my sister introduced me to slacker radio and her "chill" playlist, which kept me bopping in my chair the whole day to Billy Joel, Phil Collins, James Taylor, Michael Buble, Frank Sinatra, Ingrid Michaelson, and even good old Mandy Moore. The best part is, I laugh a lot at work because I just love the people. It is a happy place to be.

My weekends have been very eventful too! I am so lucky to have jumped into this new life pretty smoothly, having already had amazing friends from last summer that I kept in touch with this past year. They have been so much of why I love it here, and so having them is the best feeling in the world. Recently we have been going out to dinner, bars, going to church together, having mexican and movie nights, and just enjoying the summer.

I have also been trying new things which is really exciting - last weekend Anna and I went white water rafting with a bunch of her friends and it was amazing! We navigated the olympic course and no one fell out of the raft, which apparently is an extremely hard feat because of the severe nature of the rapids. It is actually a really dangerous activity. Let's put it this way - it is no Splash Mountain. And to top off the waiver signing our life away and the major safety pep talk in which we were informed that people have died doing this - it was also our guides first time out on the river - a fun fact she proceeded to tell us after we made it safely down thank goodness. I think if she through that fun fact in with the death threats, I would have turned right around and gotten back on the bus. With that being said, I am glad we all made it through without a scratch. My head, however, had a couple of bangs from Max accidentally ramming his paddle into the back of my helmet, but other than that, I was injury-free.

In the midst of all of this, I must go back even further to two weeks ago when I went home to NC for Andrea's wedding - it was the most beautiful wedding - truly romantic in every sense of the word. There was such thought put into every detail, from the decor and the flowers, to the traditional church ceremony and the gorgeous reception, it was all just breath-taking. As was Andrea, who never ceases to amaze me with her calm, collected and grateful demeanor. Such a fun time - dancing and letting loose and celebrating one of my best friends finding the love of her life and becoming a wife! So surreal and yet, after being at the wedding I can truly see that it is so right for her.

So, yes, I know it has been a little while since I last wrote, but I am trying to be better about updates, and soon I want to add pictures too! With Monica coming to visit for the fourth of July weekend tomorrow, I am certain that there will be a lot to catch you up on. And as the middle of the summer approaches, I think I will continue full speed ahead and live this time to the fullest because you only have your first summer as a true adult once, and I intend to make mine memorable.

The hot seat.

Temperature in my apartment - 84 degrees. Temperature outside - 90 degrees.

Today I began my day and my first serious job as an account manager cool, calm and collected and I am finishing it sweating my butt off on my couch watching old re-runs of Greys Anatomy on Lifetime. While this day has an unfortunate end, it was still over all a solid day with the promise of some great days to come.

The job itself is right up my alley and I think I will do a good job. I like the people - they are all so kind and helpful - and I really love my desk area. I will be working with interesting clients with a lot of responsibility, and I think it is going to be a great fit for a first job.

The location is amazing surrounded by great restaurants and shops and right across the street from the YMCA, which is so convenient! The drive is only 15 minutes from home on really lovely and rural back roads that are just beautiful. But I will tell you, it took me 35 minutes to get 8 miles down the road after work to meet a new a new someone downtown. Seriously... rush hour, I hate you. Not only did I have my first day at work, but I had a first date too, so overall a productive day.

I am too hot to write anything else. Too hot to be clever, to rehash the beautiful wedding I went to this weekend (which was featured in Southern Brides Blog no less! Go Andrea!) which I know is much overdue and too hot to be sitting on this leather couch. I might go sit in my car with the air on.... UGH! How am I going to sleep?

Out-of-state and out of my mind.

Today was my last official day of what everyone is calling "freedom" before I start my first day at my new job tomorrow. And how do I spend it?! Trying to get my license and registration taken care of, all the while on the phone with an incompetent insurance company that drove me up a wall. Try insuring that ;) Three hours later, once my account was all approved, I literally wanted to run a car into their place of work and make them pay for the damage. And on top of that, I went through the whole process of getting renters insurance for my apartment, only to find that we already have it. Awesome.

Here is the ting - I am someone who needs direction with completely unknown tasks (hence my intense love for my GPS). When I have a lot of follow-up questions I just need a live person telling me exactly what I need and not some automated lady telling me to press 2 for an option that has nothing to do with what I am asking. So today, I told the no name pre-recorded bimbo NO! I don't want to press 2. And as I screamed OPERATOR through the receiver and she calmly replied that she is "sorry" but that is not an option, I decided once and for all that she is not really sorry, that she is in fact mocking me, and that customer service has gone out the window, along with my patience.

Hostile. I know. But seriously - this whole being an adult, moving and figuring everything out on your own is one big disaster. But I will do it. I am a smart girl. The problem is, I can be slightly impatient and forget to think things all the way through in an effort to get things done. They call this ambition, drive, multi-tasking, right?! Okay, yes, but my rush to the finish line can sometimes get me into trouble.

Like today, when I confused which documents the lady said I needed for the county clerks to register my car with those I needed for the DMV to get a license. Note to all those young grads dealing with things they never thought twice about in the "fake" world: Apparently the DMV needs TWO proofs of residency, but to register your car you only need one. Don't get this confused or you will end up like me - waiting in LITERALLY 100 degree weather outside (because it was so busy that the seats were all taken inside) in a line of people for over an hour at the DMV, only to get to the front desk one pay stub or addressed ANYTHING short of sanity. What a complete waste of time.

I am literally taking deep breaths as I write. And yet, the breakdown I had in the car following the DMV debacle was probably just what I needed. While the license will have to wait until I get another piece of mail (someone send me something please... anything!), I was able to make it just before closing time to the county clerks with the right documents all ready and labeled. Now I am the proud owner of a Davidson County license plate - a true resident. Until one year from today when I have to wait in line all over again to keep it that way... rude Nashville. Just rude.

Why can't this all be a one stop shop? Someone needs to invent an Ikea version of motor vehicle service - from repairs, to license, to registration, to emissions checks, to plates, all in one easy, air-conditioned, happy location with a food court, naturally. Anyone want to get on that?

Other than that I am going to keep this short and sweet because tomorrow is my first day and I want to be all bright-eyed and looking ready to conquer the world - which after today, seems a feat easier than being a new resident with a car in Nashville, TN.

What I know for certain.

I have come to find that in life, certain things are... well... certain.

I know that when I put two splenda and a splash of skim milk in my french vanilla dunkin donuts coffee and take a sip, that I am going to officially be awake to the world (probably best to avoid me before this moment happens). When I watch the Ellen show, I will laugh. When I read an Emily Giffen book or see an incredible movie trailer, I will feel inspired. If there is a song on the radio, whether I like it or not, chances are I am going to sing it. Feeling a child's tiny arms around my neck brings me peace. Staring into the ocean will undoubtedly make me feel insignificant in the most beautiful way. If I don't wear sunscreen, I will burn like a tomato. If there is chocolate, pizza, or cheese in any form in front of me, it will be eaten.

I love these simple certainties in life - the things I can count on no matter what - because they usually create a sense of calm for me, no matter what is thrown my way.

When the 9/11 tragedy happened, I was sucked into the storm of panic and unease with the rest of the world, but to a completely different degree because I was just a kid who didn't quite grasp the gravity of the situation with true rationale. I thought the whole world was going to explode and come to an end. And my mom, knowing I was completely freaked out, brought me up to her bedroom when I couldn't finish my dinner, tucked me into her queen size bed (which felt huge at the time) and turned on The Brady Bunch. And in that moment, I felt certain that everything was going to be okay.

When life takes you by complete surprise, like it did that day, certainty creates the groundwork for moving forward. It is the little things that create familiarity and build who we are. I think we all know this. But what I have come to find recently is that moving to a new city and creating a new life has stripped some of my confidence, leaving me to question how can I really be certain of anything.

I start my new job on Tuesday and while I am excited, I am also freaking out a little. What if I don't love the work? What if I become one of those adults in a few years who tells the new graduate that the real world actually sucks and the cocoon that was college is the best life is every going to be? I think that having responsibility and earning a paycheck is going to be great, but I really have no idea how it is all going to pan out.

And these days I am often blindsided by my own emotional reaction to a lot of things. One minute I will be perfectly content, the next overwhelmed. With one person I am delightful and happy, with another I am irritable and impatient. Sometimes I am impressed with how well I handle it all, and sometimes I am shamefully disappointed. I sometimes hear things coming out of my mouth, and even though I am thinking everything through, nothing seems to come out right. It is frustrating to feel so out of control and so uncertain of myself, of my feelings, of my future.

And it seems to constantly mount. I miss my sister who lives in Boston and I worry about the distance between us and growing apart. I worry that I am going to do something to upset the people around me by doing what I want to do, and I am having a hard time finding the middle ground between being completely passive to please those around me, and selfish to the point of isolation. This sometimes creates this cycle of guilt, but more than that is makes me feel as though I am not living up to a certain expectation that I have of myself.

Expectations are equally as defining as certainties. Except an expectation has an even heavier fallout. It can be too high, too low, misguided, unrealistic, or daunting. How often do you hear of an expectation being just right? It is most often - "oh that was so much better than I thought it would be," or "That was really disappointing..." It is either a stunning surprise or an epic disappointment. I wonder why as humans we find ourselves fueling an emotional see-saw instead of just finding peace suspended in the middle. Maybe the middle is too boring, but sometimes I could use a little more middle in my life - a lowering of expectations - true self-satisfaction.

I have always been a very self-aware person which is why my expectation is to know how I feel and to have that understanding be rational to myself and others. This is not always the case - and of course it isn't. I am human. But it frustrates me. My mom today came to me with tears in her eyes and told me that a dear acquaintance unexpectedly passed away from cancer in the beginning of June. She was a wonderful woman and I admired her and had a close bond with her considering our actual time spent together was very short. I was shocked and sad, but I couldn't cry, and I quickly moved on with my day. My mom thought I would be completely distraught, and I felt guilty but for some reason I just felt nothing.

Maybe I didn't want to feel sad in light of all of the other emotions I have been trying to keep at bay. I think past recent experiences have made me question my place and build a wall up creating an uncontrollable emotional void. I really don't want to feel the worry and the sadness, but I also don't feel right when I feel shut off or disconnected and I am standing there unfazed, feeling like a heartless person.

I guess I just wish I felt more in tune with myself right now, because I am feeling a little lost. Being home around the few people who can undress my many layers leaves me feeling exposed and confused and even sometimes angry they couldn't just let me stay all wrapped up. Your family is like a mirror that shines a bright light on the things you sometimes don't want to face.

In the midst of this babble, here is what I am certain of: Right now, during this shifting point in my life, I feel everything - so much - too much. The problem is when you feel everything all at once, often you feel nothing at all.

Home.

Nashville International Airport. 1:30pm. Just an average airport Thursday – travelers leaving with their families for the weekend, or coming in to visit friends. I find the traffic in an airport, as common as it may seem, actually quite interesting. I love to sit and people watch and simply observe the daily dynamics that I find we take for granted in the bustle of life. I like being alone taking it all in - the mama rocking her baby to the live music playing in Tootsie’s bar – Johnny Cash of course, because what would Nashville be without hearing a classic Cash song while waiting for your plane – the older woman sitting by herself with a glass of wine or the crowd of businessmen howling in the corner about God knows what.

And then just like the startle I felt when my alarm clock went off at 8am (my attempt to get up and workout before my trip – epic fail), the baby starts whaling, the singer’s set is over and the waitress insists I order something in order to be sitting at the table, and I find myself back in the bustle with the rest of them. I know I should have expected that she would want me to at least buy something, but after lunch at Chipotle with MaryAnn, there was nothing I wanted, and so I just left and made my way to the gate, where I sit now.

It is all too familiar sitting here waiting to board the plane. It feels literally like yesterday that I was here with mom. We came to Nashville for a visit in April flying home after what was a very long and successful three days of interviewing and meeting with contacts in an attempt to jump-start my life. Yes, that seems like yesterday, but in a lot of ways I have come so far.

When I got to the security checkpoint today and the officer looked at my boarding pass and license and said, “Going home?” I paused for a second not really knowing how to respond. Yes I was going home to Cary, but a part of me feels like I am leaving home too. Nashville is a new home of course and certainly not one as established and nostalgic. Cary will always be my home. But it surprised me how quickly I said, “Well, home is here now,” and he smiled and said, “Oh, okay! Well, have a safe trip.” I laugh at myself now finding any kind of meaning in this. I mean, this guy was just making pleasant conversation and here I am using the exchange as a means to declare my piece of Nashville. But it felt nice to claim Nashville as home. It is a title I have long awaited since being a mere summer visitor last year, and now it is finally valid.

Except, yes, only three weeks after moving here, I am heading home for Andrea’s wedding, which will take place in Greensboro on Saturday. My big move has been cushioned by this visit home, which I think has kept me from feeling the gravity and permanence of the situation. But more than that, this visit has reminded me that my friends and I are true adults. I simply cannot believe that one of my close friends is getting married, and not even just her, but that Jill, my old friend from high school, is also engaged. I know I am still young but it makes me feel like I am worlds away from being in that place in my own life… maybe a little too behind. It certainly puts the "real" in real world when your friends start tying the knot and making a commitment to be with one person for the rest of their life. I had a hard enough time deciding on which dress to wear to the wedding. But I guess that is what makes everyone’s journey different. I guess when it’s right, it’s right … right?

Oh no. This sweet older gentlemen just came up to me asking me to explain where he should stand in line - good old South West throwing the elderly for a loop. I guess this humbling encounter means it is time to board...

Home in Cary. 10:54pm. After the short flight I spent lost in the pages of Emily Giffin's newest novel, Heart of the Matter, I found myself touching down in North Carolina. It had felt like only minutes before that we were taking off - the true testament of a good read - and just like that I was back home. It felt weird to be driving back into my neighborhood because I only left it 3 weeks ago. I kind of wish more time had passed to make the moment more meaningful, but instead the neighborhood was the same as I left it just 15 degrees hotter in temperature. The streets completely familiar. Nothing had really changed, which felt surreal seeing as so much has changed in my world in the same amount of time.

Then I spent the night out to dinner with the parents and Monica and we went back to her place to see her new town home furnished. It looks amazing! I absolutely love it. I cannot wait to own something with two stories one day :)

All of this got me to thinking. They say home is where the heart is, but where is home really? Is it the place you were born? The place you grew up? The place you live now? Or even just the name you give the hotel you are staying at on a week-long vacation? I have come to find that home is not just where you live, but where you feel safe and where you can rest your head each night in peace. Home is anywhere the walls hold memories, and secrets and where you create the stories that ultimately make up the chapters of your life. Home is not just one house or one place. It is more a feeling of comfort and security; love and acceptance. I feel that way now as I lay in bed. I feel that way in Nashville. I feel that way in the Disney Swan and Dolphin sharing a bed with my sister after a day of being a kid again in the parks. I feel that way on the stage. I feel that way writing this blog.

So yes, home is where the heart is, but with that said, no matter where you are in life, the only thing you need to feel at home is to have the wisdom to know what is truly in your heart and the courage to follow it.

And then, life happened.

It is June 16th. Just over six months since the promise to add to this blog every day and chronicle my final semester as a college student. This promise was broken. I see this as no different than the promises millions of people confidently make on new years eve as the clock strikes midnight, but quickly lose sight of just weeks later. No different than the promise people make to work harder, to take more time with family, to be better in one or more areas of their life. And the reason it becomes difficult to break old habits, to keep commitments that challenge us, or to strive to be something more than what we are is one reason - life happens. The nature of life is busy and unpredictable and sometimes it is easy to forget to be better when we are just trying to get through it all in one piece.

I have come to find there is a universal reason people find such ease in routine. It is comfortable and it does not require a lot of new thought or extra effort. It is habitual and we cling to it, crave it when it is not present and create it when change forces us out of the familiar. At the time I created this blog, I too was in a routine that kept me from taking the time to sit down and write. I put it off, I avoided it even. I am not sure exactly why but in doing so, I missed out on the kind of documentation that not only reminds me of what I did and who I did it with, but more importantly allows me to figure out who I was in that moment in time - what I thought, felt, needed, wanted, lacked, had, desired and accomplished.

Now that semester is said and done, many of those fleeting thoughts that would come to me while writing are lost, and I couldn't tell you exactly what I did, who I did it with or how I felt. I am not even sure how I feel today about the past semester that swept me up like a storm and took me for quite a ride.

But in this quiet downtime I have after graduating college, moving to Nashville, working backstage at the 2010 CMT Awards and before starting my first official job next week as an Account Manager at the A Group (my attempt to briefly catch you up) I find myself with time. Time to think, reflect and yes, be bored. In the midst of this, I clicked on the tab that leads me here, to my long forgotten blog. And I re-read the entries I diligently posted the first few days of the year.

In one of my entries I wrote about the sadness I feel the day after Christmas. I wrote, "I imagine it is similar to how a bride feels once the wedding is over, or how a college graduate feels the moment after throwing those stylistically challenged hats up in the air. Once anticipation is replaced with reality, sometimes the aftermath, as wonderful as the result might have been, is a lonely place."

I find this passage ironic because here I sit, a college graduate who threw up her hat in the rain and drove away from the small town of Elon, home to Cary, and just one week later, to Nashville. And yet the result is everything but lonely. While saying goodbye to Elon was certainly bittersweet, and undoubtedly had its emotional roller coaster of challenges, upsets, and wonderful victories, I find myself surrounded by possibility and reveling in the time to be alone, think, and reflect on it all.

After reading these old entries, I decided to revamp the blog and make it new to represent the new city I live in and the new journey I am embarking on. I decided to title it "Music City lost and found," because for me, blogging and writing in general is a road map. It helps me to find myself, to figure out what is missing, what is abundant, what is trivial and what is important. When I feel lost, I come back to these entries and passages and I find the pieces of me that sometimes slip through the cracks.

I am not going to make any promises this time. I am not sure how often I will write, if it will be interesting, if it will be followed or read. I am not sure the content or context, but I am excited to get back to writing. And instead of letting life just happen, I intend instead to share it with you.

Good night. It was. It is. It will be.

After a long drive today, I finally arrived in Nashville for my internship with Big Machine Records for Winter term. I had such an incredible New Years Eve with Monica and her sister and friends at the G105 party in North Raleigh. We all counted down and rang in the new year and it was the most perfect night.

And then I found myself on the road again. Traveling toward a new chapter - as short as it will be - and I have to admit, having such an amazing Christmas break makes it really hard for me to leave. I feel like I am always going somewhere, and while I am glad to be back in Nashville, the packing and unpacking and slipping in and out of routine, making new ones, and then leaving again, gets tired. It excites me to finally feel settled in one place at some point. But then again, knowing me, I don't ever really settle anywhere, with anything or for anyone. While my location will soon become set when I move here in May (aka - the move we don't speak about because Monica might disown me if my intentions to leave actually seem real) I think I will always be moving forward, challenging myself, trying new things. That is what makes life exciting right? I would get far too bored feeling "settled" for too long. But the packing and unpacking part - I could most certainly do without.

I am exhausted so I am going to go to sleep without lacing the entry with the detail I usually include, but with tomorrow being my first day with the internship, I want to make sure I am not falling asleep on the job :) Plus, it is much too cold to not be bundled up in a blanket right now - I blame Lynn who most likely wants us all to feel the sympathy pain of her freezing time in Chicago this past weekend. Haha. But lord knows my snow bunny sister is pretty even cold.

Wish me luck :)