Fish stick in the jungle

I know you are all dying in anticipation as to what happened next in Tunica, but I am going to digress from my trip to talk about the brain damage I suffered last night watching The Bachelor. My initial thoughts were that this season was going to be sub-par at best, but now I am starting to think I might have to quit watching altogether (yeah right.. I don't mean that, but let's pretend I do for the sake of drama).

The scenic and crystal brown waters of the jungle.

Where to even begin? There were moments in last night's episode I had to throw my blanket over my head, and others when I wanted to throw myself into the television with hair product - and this time, not just for Ben. From my confusion as to how the village people of Panama make for stunning television to my complete disgust for everything Ben has to say, or actually not say, since he is the most boring bachelor in all of Bachelor history, it was a wasted two hour experience that disturbed me and left me questioning my devotion to The Bachelor empire, and even my beloved Chris Harrison.

The only way to do this right is to list the top five things the producers did wrong (other than cast Ben as the Bachelor in the first place). Let's begin:

"Dear God get this peacock off of mine"

1. They ruined the art of salsa dancing - whoever put that fake-boobed horse-mouth bimbo in a hot pink dress straight from the set of High School Musical ("Bop to the Top" anyone?) was just plain cruel. And BEN - ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! The guy can not only NOT dance, it seemed like he couldn't even breathe. It was like watching a teen bop wannabe try to seduce a rhythmically challenged gay man.

2. They made Panama a destination spot - Mud holes. Murky brown ocean water. Torrential rain. Alley cats walking in the humid streets. These are just some of the highlights of the "amazingly beautiful" jungles of Panama. You have got to wonder what these producers were thinking! One of the dates even had coconut machete team building. Are the producers trying to channel Survivor or did I accidentally flip to the Discovery channel? And to further prove the alternate universe these girls are living in, they ate it up! "Panama is so amazing! I loved having my hair frizz to 500 times it's natural state and feel my makeup melt off my face! And Ben's flabby body and 12-year-old boy muscles look so hot in his loin cloth!" ARE THEY OUT OF THEIR MIND?! Ben needs to hit the gym and get a new hair style, and these girls need to be punched in the face back to reality.

3. They allowed for a barefoot breakup - We all know how this show works. They can call "cut" on the cameras at anytime and still edit the show to make us feel like everything happened in one dramatic swoop. So someone please tell me why they did not let Casey stop in the room and get a pair of shoes on before going up and ugly crying to Ben about some "past" love? They made us think in the promos someone died, and no - Casey just has a past like every other girl there. What is the big drama? Not to mention, this is the most conversation I have even seen the two of them have together, so it was all pretty anti-climatic - classic Bachelor, but this time they reached a new low. 

Looks like the time of their lives.... and like Ben is balding.

4. The limo swap - To keep with the "roughing it" jungle theme, they had mini vans to pick up the departed girls. ABC, where is your class? These girls are about to literally have a bodily emotional break down on national television. At least let them do it in a swanky vehicle.

5. Seduction 101 by Jamie - To conclude this post, I have to talk about the desperate attempt Jamie gave at the end to win Ben over (why you would even want to win this guy is beyond me - but like I said, they are in an alternate universe). Jamie is a sweet nurse, and in the beginning seemed like one of the normal ones, which is probably why until now we have not seen very much air-time of her relationship with fish stick. But this week, the cuckoo train had left the station and Jamie was not only on board, she was the conductor. From the awkward monkey-like straddling, to the bizarre kissing lessons I became so intensely uncomfortable I had to turn away. Why was she insisting they keep their mouths closed...? Why is ABC putting me through this agony? I think they slipped something in her drink.

Is all hope lost? Can this season ever redeem itself? It's like they took a beautifully made grilled cheese and pooped all over it. Give me back The Bachelor I know and love. Give me a bachelor with a personality (and a good body... who showers). Give me pretty places with pretty people.

Dear ABC: Women watch The Bachelor to pretend they too are falling in love with prince charming and being whisked on helicopters to amazing destinations.

We don't watch to stir up the urge to vomit. We have Fear Factor for that. Learn your place.