Fish stick meets the parents

Just thought we could use a visual.

Meeting the parents can be an interesting experience. I would know - I just spent three weeks with my boyfriend's parents from a road trip to Tunica, to home improvement, to cooking dinners and spending time as they helped Weston update his house. I am lucky though - the Howards are awesome. They are normal and accepting and a lot of fun. Also, Weston and I have been dating for a while, so it wasn't premature or unwelcome in the slightest.

Fish stick on the other hand, had a different experience as he took his greasy middle-part on a four day excursion across the country to visit the last four contestants homes and their families. From the overly-produced "surprises" for Ben, to the interesting dynamic of these women with their parents, it was an entertaining episode to say the least. And it restored my appreciation for the process of a real relationship - one that takes time, grows, and is not a game show.

Let's walk through each of the four hometowns and discuss the parents we met.

Think of something smart to say to hide my drunkenness

1. Meet the "Ride the Unicorn" parents: Lindzi had the first date and of course greeted Ben on a horse which made for the most awkward side hug in all of history. Lindzi just comes off really ditzy to me and wears borderline umpah loompa orange face make-up which is upsetting because she is very pretty naturally. Also - let's talk about her vocabulary and long pauses. " 'Vulnerable' is a big word for me!" It's a pretty normal-size word Lindzi. And what is up with the really dramatic long pauses after he asks her the same generic question he asks every girl on the dates? Maybe she is reaching for an even bigger word to describe her happiness - a word to hybrid "amazing" "magical" "vulnerable" and "delusional" all in one perhaps. Then out pops "AB-SOL-UTE -LYYYY...". Really? Are you drunk already? Did you and the horse take some tequila shots before Ben arrived?

As for her parents - they are just as sparkly as Edward Cullen in the sunshine. They have no hard-hitting questions - they ride their horses and use their whips and call it a day. People, your daughter is considering marrying this fish stick - and you wanna make smores instead of question this thing? Seems they want to float away on their unicorns "over the river and through the river..." (oh poor Lindzi...) on a marshmallow road of ignorance.

Sorry Casey, this is not quite up-to-par with skinny dipping.

2. Meet the "Stage 5 Clinger" parents: From the rainbow road to the dirt road, Ben faced Casey's parents next who had a LOT of questions and borderline militant expectations. Oh sweet Casey. I do love how genuine and real she is but the parade entrance was a little uncomfortable - not Jamie-monkey-straddle uncomfortable - but just a little hard to watch. Ben just didn't know what to do with himself. He said he likes her "confidence" - yeah, Ben, and we like your hair! Puhlease, he thought it was cheesy and weird, and we all know it.

Her parents mean well but they are holding on so tight, it was even hard to breathe as a viewer. Her dad said - "it's hard to trust because you can't always be there when they are away." Um. Yep. That is the concept of growing up dad. She is 24, not 4, not even 14. Her mom said "we are a really really close family and we do everything together." Everything? Ugh. I know those ideal family units exist, but vomit. That does not sound fun to me, or Ben for that matter.

Fish stick doesn't have a lot of backbone so as you can imagine, he floundered under the pressure. Yes, her parents expectations are unrealistic given the nature of the show. Not living together right away, taking it slow, etc - all very good advice in the normal world. But we are in the Bachelor world. If you are going to let Casey make her own decision to go on a game show to find love, at least realize you have lost your control to the magic of reality TV delusion. Ask some tough questions for drama, but then succumb to the non-reality of it all. They are so afraid of her getting hurt - we all get hurt. It happens. She will survive, and I am sure she is stronger and less naive now for it. Hell, she may even be the next Bachelorette - good luck to those parents sanity through that one. I just hope they didn't do the big "told you so," as she was sent home. They definitely have one of Casey's sparkly baton's wedged far up their butts. Let your girl live.

Mid- shift.... Ben, waiting to see what face she will have next.

3. Meet "Shape-shifter's" parents: [Side note: Is it just me or does Nicki have inconsistent looks and faces? She is a different level of attractive on every date. The first night I thought she was gorgeous and as the dates go on it is so hit and miss and just very interesting to me. Weston calls her the shape-shifter (yes, my boyfriend watches with me - but I watch Duke BB games, so its a fair trade of equal passions) and since her parents didn't have any noteworthy quirks, this title will work for me]

I really do like Nicki, but can we stop talking about her divorce for five seconds? Dear Nicki: you got divorced - you didn't murder anyone. It is okay, and it does not have to define you. I am going to punch you in the face if I have to hear your divorce sob story one more time. It didn't work and that is awful and I am sorry. But in a sense, you should have learned from that experience and probably NOT gone on the Bachelor if you wanted to find the real thing.

She is so head over heels, and I just feel for her. I think she is one of the more normal girls left and I have a feeling this will not end well for her - but shape-shifter, while unique in her look, is far too good for Fish Stick, so I hope he let's her go. As for her parents - they were normal and the fact they could coexist following a divorce was really nice to see - and rare. I think Ben really does like Nicki, but not enough. This date didn't break her, but it didn't make her either. Bottom line, fish stick likes weirdos, not shape--shifters.

Descendent of the bat family.

4. Meet the "Apple Doesn't Fall Far" parents: Courtney. What are we going to do with you? You are crazy about Ben? No. You are just plain bat sh*t crazy. Yes. Bats. You. Crazy. The pretend wedding was also tremendously uncomfortable to watch - that kind of pressure mixed with Courtney's weird mouth movements - just all around bad. Ben actually had a lot to say, which is shocking and practically reveals the ending - fish stick will choose based on his stick, if you know what I mean. Her vows came from a Dr. Seuss book / Sex and the City movie combination, and it was weird.

I now pronounce you - doomed.

As for her parents - her dad took Ben aside and said marriage is the world's biggest gamble. You have a 50% chance of making it, he explained. WHAT THE HECK kind of advice to your potential son-in-law is that? First of all, marriage isn't a gamble, but I won't go down that soap box road. I get that 50% of the time it doesn't work, but that whole comment was just bizarre to me. Fitting, since that whole family seemed bizarre to me. Was it just me, or did the mom seem a little high? And I was shocked to find out Courtney has a sister - how can that be possible when she hates women so much?

Meet the final rose: In the end, Casey was sent home, and while Lindzi and Nicki circled in to hug her as she broke down, Courtney smiled off to the side. Typical. How does Ben not see that right in front of him?! I see where this is going folks and like I said - this is going to be a GREAT after the final rose special. Just great.