Not a fish stick fan

We need to dedicate some time this morning to chat about my top guilty pleasure of the winter season - the ABC reality show The Bachelor. I usually stray from this topic and leave the blog ranting to Reality Steve who does an epic job detailing the events and spoilers of the latest show with raw wit and 85% accuracy. However, while a devoted fan since day one, I am really struggling with this season and I have to get a few things off my chest.

The Bachelor - Greasy Middle Parted Fish Stick.

1. Ben needs a brush: For reals. ABC needs to fire their hair stylist stat, because much like our friend Ali from the Bachelorette, Ben is having some major hair issues. The greasy middle part and the tucking the hair behind the ears thing - not at all attractive. While he may be cute with children, cry on command at home videos and be able to provide for his woman's borderline alcoholism with his vineyard, I am just not getting a good vibe from him and I am not sure how these women are.

Which brings me to my next point.

2. The Bachelor is NOT the Wynn Buffet: In Las Vegas there is an incredible buffet with sixteen live action cooking stations and a "sumptuous array of dishes to elevate all-you-can-eat into a gourmet experience." W has been there and raves about it all the time. It sounds amazing - no Golden Corrall. How does this relate? Well - ABC compiles a group of desperate women, liquors them up and sticks them in front of just ONE man. Yes, this is the concept of the show, but realistically this is much like taking a hoard of starving people and only offering them one thing to eat - like fish sticks - a frozen fried classic mascarading as a healthy agent of the sea. Some people like fish sticks and some people do not. But if you are starving (aka drowning in alcohol) and have no other food (man) options, you are going to think fish sticks are The Wynn Buffet. You are going to think there could be nothing better tasting in the world. When really, you're eating freakin fish sticks. Ben is a fish stick, and these women are hungry, drunk and delusional - already saying things like "I can see myself spending forever with him" - and its only the second episode.

Couldn't you kids have worked it out?!

3. I'm still mourning Ali and Roberto: I think some of my brutal cynicism this season is simply a stage in my grieving process. There comes a point where you would think ABC would tweak the structure of the show since only 3 of their 16 couples still have a relationship of some kind. When Ali and Roberto didn't make it you'd think their world would have been rocked to the degree mine was and at least picked a promising and stellar cast (see #4). But they are not bothered. And that leaves my hopeless romantic heart broken and bitter.

4. Crazy has taken on a new form: What is supposed to be a selection of some of the finest women in America is in fact, an absolute puppet show. Every season, the slew of contestants gets more out of control and some of these women are certifiable - each filling a "role" in the house. The girl that pee's rainbows (typically southern pageant queen rainbows), the betch barbie doll (multiply this role by 15), the mom who has an unhealthy obsession / Gilmore Girls relationship with her child - you know the drill. This season, we even have the Katy Petty wannabe - yes I am referring to the chick who was hitting on a girl the first night. And we are supposed to believe the intentions are to set Ben up for success? These women are more turned on by their roses than they are by Ben! And some of them look like Muppets. Yes, women are crazy. But perfectly crazy women become psych-ward crazy the minute they step out of the limo and the intravenous of champagne begins to drip (or guzzle as the case may be). And I just don't think Ben has a shot at finding "true and lasting love" the more and more dramatic these rose ceremonies get.

I -I  love you like a love song, baby.

5. My loyalty remains: Could I ever be on this show? Hell no, because I would get so sucked in and end up being one of the crazy ones. I would think a fish stick was the only food I was ever designed to digest. I would say outlandish things when under the influence - which would be all the time since that is seemingly the only form of hydration. Just to qualify I would need to get a boob job, have a child and yet still be a virgin, have saved my dying grandmother from cancer only to have her be run over by a donkey, all while running a non-profit to save the hamsters. (And for the record, if ever applying I would NOT claim my profession was "A Blogger" and promote a blog that has been seemingly written by a girl inspired by Teen Bop - read Jenna's blog - no way this makes her money).

But will I watch this show until the day I die? Absolutely. If not for the pure joy it brings me to watch these women fall apart on national television for a fish stick, than simply to see if they ever give Ben's hair a true rinse and repeat. And I should probably admit, I may be in love with the host, Chris Harrison, and unlike the love between the contestants, that's the kind of love that lasts.