Is it Friday yet?

You think you have it bad....

Dear Monday,

You're here again, uninvited. You just had to swing back around to remind me just when things were getting fun and relaxing that I am not, in fact, the Princess of Arendelle. I have no magical powers to unfreeze winter and the growing size of my ass from margaritas is not something I can just "let go." Hugs and kisses for that reminder.

As if this reality was not harsh enough, you make me question my moral character. I shamefully admit, as the alarm clock cracks through my Sunday evening slumber to announce your arrival, I make a serious pro-con list in my half-stupor regarding the decision to actually go to work versus fake some kind of womanly issue no one would question just to stay in bed.

• PRO - Stay in bed eating cheetos and watching daytime TV.
• CON - Coworkers think I have womanly issues...
• PRO - Did I mention CHEETOS?
• CON - I have to keep my job to make money to afford CHEETOS. 

That last CON gets me every time.

The bottom line is, unless you are Labor Day, Memorial Day, MLK day or any other major holiday that allows me to stay in bed thus passing the "you suck" torch off to Tuesday, you pretty much blow.

So I would like to make a recommendation that you and treadmills team up and start a club called "Where Fun Goes to Die" and leave the rest of us alone. Because let's get real - the treadmill is totally qualified to join you in this endeavor. The process of stepping on, entering in your weight (rude) and then pressing in the amount of time you plan to run (prance around) working off the (block of) cheese you hastily consumed the day before (for some of you that X is probably something legit like 30 minutes..... let's just say, good for you guys!) is right up there with waking up and realizing it is in fact, Monday and I am not, in fact, a Disney Princess.

Oh, and one more thing. I nominate Winter to be your Vice President. What a persistent and never-ending monster she has been! Please, team up and go find people who enjoy things that suck - they likely work at the DMV.

Thanks in advance for your consideration. 

The Bubble

Sorry, Ken.

I grew up in a delightful bubble. I had a great home with amazing parents. As children, my sister and I were far too concerned with barbies and dream houses to ever pay attention to G.I. Joe or toy guns, let alone what they represented in the real world. Baby dolls graduated to dance lessons and Dawson's Creek. We avoided the heavy nature of local or world news by flipping the channel to the latest Saved By the Bell episode. And when history lessons got too dark, I would drift off to a day dream where Mr. Feeny was my teacher and I had my very own Corey Matthews. The Sixth Sense was my ability to sense cheese from a mile away and September 11th made me physically sick for weeks, even at 12 years old (The Brady Bunch got me through that one). I even had nightmares of Oregon Trail, the computer game, because the idea of my sister dying from a snake bite (even just virtually) was extremely traumatic. Yep.

You could argue I have preserved that bubble quite well, even in my adult age. Of course my awareness of the world and the toxic way it often turns is not nearly as sheltered. In fact, that bubble I grew up in ended up being the same hometown that 20 innocent children's lives were taken in their classroom - talk about the most unimaginable bubble burst. But with time, hugs, Celine Dion, and inordinate amounts of dancing around my living room, I slowly build that bubble back up to restore my belief that the world is good and nothing bad will happen to me or the ones I love.

Well, remember that G.I. Joe my sister and I so flippantly ignored as kids? I happened to fall in love with him. And while I do not wish this love to be any different, because it truly is everything I had hoped for, it certainly creates a unique challenge for me and my bubble, as he left for a seven month deployment yesterday. Suddenly, the safe, fun and loving life we have experienced together is put on pause, flooded with uncertainty and fear. So many "what if's" fly in from every direction of my imagination, trying to pop, prod and burst my bubble. Snake bites, now, are the least of my worries.

I have women in my life I have known for years married to men in the military and I used to say to them, "Gosh! I have no idea how you do it. I could never, ever do that! You are so strong!" And let me be very clear about this - I meant it. But as they always say, it happens when and where you least expect it. And so, here I am, about to find out how strong I really am - insistent on making lemonade out of some really tough lemons by staying naively positive, having the utmost faith and essentially dancing around in my little bubble belting out "The Power of Love" until he comes home.

Because the truth of the matter is, if we can learn anything from missing planes, tragic accidents and unexpected tears in the fabric of our lives (did I just quote a soap opera?) it is that life is too short to not enjoy your bubble and all of the immediate joy that surrounds us every day. Sometimes, we have to turn off the news, say a prayer, cuddle a newborn, turn on our favorite song, and remind ourselves that everything is going to be okay. It is the only way I know how to cope with my fears, and in turn the only way I know how to get through the next seven months. Well, with Celine, and all of you of course.

So build a bubble every once in a while and remind yourself that the world is good, that God is good, and that even when your lemonade is bitter sweet, it's worth enjoying.

After the final barf

Who besitos better? Hiyaya!

Wow. I am pretty speechless, you guys. This has been a whirlwind of a season and I have never been more glad for it to be over. The finale last night was such an uncomfortable train wreck and quite honestly, the idea of reliving it in this post is a bit daunting. It took all my strength not to turn off the TV during the acid-trip roller coaster that made even the even-tempered Chris Harrison hostile. It was like we were transported to an alternate universe where Nikki becomes a smiling robot, Chris Harrison has a cat-fighting hoohah and Sharleen's purple-ninja lipstick is "in." I have to believe there is some weird shit that went on behind the scenes of this season. But before I share my theories, let's all get on the same page.

Last week I did not post about The Women Tell All because quite honestly, the whole thing was a hoohah shit show and I was suffering from a sinus infection which made me question if I even processed what went down. Not only was I not feeling lucid, but at that point, the show had become a joke and the "attention-whore" mentality of these women was way too much to even recap. For those who watched, here were my key takeaways - 

• Sean was sexually assaulted by a sting ray on his honeymoon.
• Grown sexy bangs are just grown ugly.
• No one has yet asked Kellie what the HELL A DOG LOVER DOES FOR INCOME but we did learn that she has a gay parent and wants to cut off Juan's penis.
• Renee has a "situation" which I think is very deserved and it explains why she is not the next Bachelorette.
• Being called a "special one" is not a compliment. Think more "short bus" than "awesome."
• "Honesty" is the new word for insulting and crass.
• Chris Harrison was super glad to finally get some air-time on this show.
• Andi is completely being set-up as the next Bachelorette, which is also why she is throwing Juan a bone and not completely ripping him a new one.
• Sharleen is the only woman Juan actually talked to on the show - likely to find breathing time between her lizard kisses. 
• Juan Pablo is digging himself back to Venezuela with all of his confusing accented chatter and none of these women are assepting his - how do you call it in our country? Oh, bull shit.

Okay that pretty much takes cares of THAT episode. Thrilling and insightful all around. 

Now as for last night, I have to be honest - I missed Clare meeting his family because I was stuck in traffic, having a full on panic attack at the idea of missing out and therefore blasting Celine Dion to calm down. However, here is how I imagine this went down - Clare did her cheerleader facials and explained to the family how much she cares for Juan. His braces-clad bro got a hard-on as she over-enunciated her love for his brother. The brother in turn asks Clare if she talks the way she does because she is wearing a retainer in her mouth and they share orthodontic stories until sunset.

So you see friends, I'm the real catch here.

Cut back to Chris Harrison and the "live" portion of the show. Cut to me frantically flipping on the TV and wondering why we just spent an entire segment on the audience's thoughts. I don't give a crap - there has to be at least 48 solid hours of footage from these two days and you're wasting time asking Jack and Jill their thoughts?! No one cares, Chris. Stop being a camera hog. 

Okay - back to the show. Nikki meets the family and it is the same old crap - they all warn her of Juan's selfish ways, and she smiles and nods as if they just confessed he once saved a baby from a small house fire. The disconnect between the warnings and these women's feelings is mind blowing. I'm bored. 
  
During Juan's final date with Clare he says something unimaginable to her in the helicopter and she is super duper offended and will never speak the words out loud for fear dead daddy would disown her forever. HELLO?! Does anyone think it is weird that all of these highly offensive comments happen off-camera?! What the heck?! I call conspiracy on the whole thing! Anyways, Clare really holds her ground that evening when Juan comes over and has "besitos" turrets. She exercises some minor self-control and sits him down to question the incident, which Juan has absolutely no recollection of. Women everywhere are chanting feminist cheers of joy for about three minutes until she is hypnotized by Juan's back-peddling accent and their "wedding" song. Suddenly, they are making out again and all is well. I want to throw up. 

For Nikki and Juan's final date, they sit on a boat and talk about nothing. At this point Juan might as well not even be there because he adds nothing to the dynamic. But we all know that Nikki will definitely win because outside of a quick eye-roll on the beach when Juan said he would be doing a lot of stimulating TV watching in his office ALONE most days, she hasn't given him shit for anything. She is such a nervous wreck in their final hours, but she has the golden ticket to Juan's heart - besitos, no drama, and a gift of her in a fringed bikini top straddling a horse. Boom. Done deal. And yet she ends the night balling her eyes out on the couch. Is this really happening or did someone slip something in my soup?

Where is Niel Lane? Where is the swelling romantic background music? Where is the love?!

Sean: Juan, you're worse than my wife's bangs.

We all know what happens next - Chris has to survey every member in the audience including Bachelor alums (and some random blonde chick in the top row... anyone know who the heck that was?!) as to how they feel about what is going down. That is like asking someone - how do you feel after getting food poisoning?! We don't feel good Chris. Let's keep this show rolling. 

We are at the final day and we all know Juan is going to pick Nikki. The only shock here is that Juan had any room in that skin-tight suit to pocket a ring. And he was not the only one with wardrobe issues. Nikki lost her dress and decided to drape a blue rag over her chest. And, the producers decided it would be a great idea to stick the women on a speed boat to get to the proposal destination after they've spent hours on their hair and make-up. But wait, there's more. Now they have to power through sand and mud in stiletto heels....! Let's see who eats it first! This show just became Survivor. 

We realize the minute we see dress instead of just skin and leg that Clare is the one to get the boot. The moment Clare realizes Juan has not picked her she has a ground-breaking, defining, Rocky moment where she takes back everything she said about 15 seconds before she knew she was rejected and goes NUTS. With three air-snaps and a series of daddy digs she is back on the boat confused and angry. Welcome to how we felt all season as viewers. 

Then Juan picks Nikki because he likes her A LOT, but he does not propose because of Nikki's dad... or something. Fireworks and magic explode no where... CAN THIS PLEASE BE OVER NOW. 

Shoot.. what was I supposed to say next?

The After The Final Rose special was just how you would expect it to play out based on the judgmental and disgusted live portion cut-ins throughout the show. No one likes Juan. No one is excited for the couple. Clare's hoohah grew three-sizes since becoming an empowered woman in the face of rejection. And if you ask me, she knows now that she dodged a real bullet. And poor Nikki - she looks like the biggest smiling robot of a fool. I honestly do not believe for ONE SECOND that they are actually together or happy. I think they made a deal either with each other or the producers to play "happy" and Nikki is getting some kind of cut of something. She looked so trapped - like Katie Holmes when she got brainwashed by Tom Cruise and Scientology. It was just bizarre how they were acting and skirting any talk of how they actually feel about each other. Straight up, bizarre.

But the women were tame compared to the men - Sean wanted to punch Juan in the face, Chris Harrison was certainly encouraged to ham it up, and did not hold back. Overall, all of the energy was just embarrassing when Nikki and Juan are likely already broken up and simply playing a part for ratings. Juan will feel the heat for a few weeks in the tabloids and then he will go back to his boring, TV-watching, self-consumed life. Let's hope one day Dora wakes him up with a "Come on, vamanos!" song and helps him find his manhood over the river and through the woods. Until then, he can go far, far away.

So that concludes this season of The Bachelor, friends. It has certainly been an interesting ride. As for me, the sun is shining and Spring is finally upon us (let's hope it stays awhile!). I will be back soon with some updates and writing more in the absence of my man who leaves next week for his 7 month "business trip." Until then!

This show is turning into a joke. OKAY.. okay? OKAY.

Andi's Oscar Winning performance

Today we are just going to get down to the gritty real talk for a few reasons...
1. Last night was as anti-climatic as a cold shower
2. Which leads me to believe there is some conspiracy shit going on this season
3. I am running out of ways to joke about this season in a narrative fashion - Juanita is tired. (yes, Jenny in Spanish is Juanita... I am not sure how I feel about it).

This season we have watched the downward spiral of Juan's charm and intelligence. In fact, I am pretty convinced his "winning" qualities were just immaturity dipped in an accent and disguised by a a sweet daughter. Last night we watched him pretty much crack like a crayon scribbled into non-existence by the pressure of having to emotionally connect with stunning yet certifiable women all while using the English language. This was too tall of an order and stud just could not keep up anymore. Part of me doesn't blame him for being apathetic with the ladies he has left - they all kind of suck. The other part of me feels like he should have never been given the role of The Bachelor to begin with - Dear ABC - speaking English should be a requirement from now on...Thanks.

So let's break this down to the highlights -

• Clare is too busy playing the "Win Juan's Heart" game to notice he shows zero interest in building a real relationship. Oh and guess what - dead daddy does not a marriage make. She says all of the "right" things, shows persistent interest in Dora, tears up when appropriate, reenacts a scene from Titanic on a boat, and truly believes that if she keeps on like this, victory will be hers. But if you ask me, they will never make it in real life. She has a sassy bitch locked back beyond those veneers and once she has "won" she will realize she never wanted the prize to begin with. 
• Andi - Hiyayaya. Let's get real here. There is no way in ONE night without cameras on Juan became a completely different person. The immaturity was ALWAYS there - we have seen it as viewers all along!  Juan straight up said to her - in FRONT OF THE CAMERAS - that he had no idea if she would be a good mother - that is a HUGE insult to any woman. And she smiled and acted like that statement was no big deal. Suddenly cameras turn off and that behavior becomes appalling?! PUHLEASE. I think Andi knew, especially after taking him home to meet her family, that he was not the one for her. But I think she had a plan - get to the top three and bail to better her chances to be the next Bachelorette.
• And what a joke her exit was - the "fight" between Juan and Andi was the most dumb

  

  If i have to walk up this damn hill ONE MORE TIME

  conversation I have ever witnessed, okay?! It was as if they both stepped aside, decided to channel their inner Clare and Nikki and have it out simply for the drama of it all. Who cares if he said "default" or not?! OKAY?!?! It was like watching a toddler pre-naptime have a tantrum and Papa Juan deciding not to enable the behavior with a dramatic response... hmm.. maybe he is a good dad after all?
• Juan's ease in saying adios to Andi just further proved his apathy. And I think the only reason Andi was picking a fight instead of just saying goodbye was because she was pissed the producers made her walk the entire island of St. Lucia to capture her deep thinking before the chat.
• There is nothing warm about Nikki - she is not someone I would be friends with per say - but at least the girl has been herself the whole time. Even down to her boobacious fringe top - she is who she is (hot and slutty) and she owns it - sorry, not sorry. You can't knock her for that. And similarly Juan is who he is (an idiot) and so if you ask me, they are meant to be. Will they last? Not at all. Juan bottom line is not ready for this. But if they do last by some stroke of God, they can procreate and populate the world with more slutty idiots - end of story. Will he choose her in the end - absolutely. Will he propose? At this point, for the free ring, probably.
• Juan's talk with Chris Harrison before the rose ceremony was NOT a language barrier - the word "love" is pretty universal. I think Juan uses his daughter and his accent to get into girls pants and out of confrontational situations that require him to be honest and real. He is clearly in over his head and either wants hoohah or wants out.
• At the rose ceremony, Andi's departure illicits the "pretend shock / fake awe / pure delight" face from Clare. Meanwhile Nikki's mind is reeling - wait a minute....if my best friend thinks Juan is a doofus and offensive, I am left competing against my least favorite person on the planet, and the common denominator is the guy I might be engaged to in a week..... what does this mean? Eh. Not much. I'm hot. He's hot. Let's get on with the show.

The Women Tell All episode next week looks like it is going to be HOSTILE. Let the cat fights continue.... You guys, it is two more weeks of this crap and then it is back to Juanita's life. I know - we're all super excited about that... But personally, I can't wait to be done with this Taco Bell love story...

Juan Pablo masters the smile and nod

JP: I am about to projectile vomit. Just smile and nod.

This episode was simply foreplay for the fantasy suite "horror" that will unfold tonight, and if you ask me, it was pretty standard. The episode starts like a Chick Filet ad in Nikki's hometown of Kansas City. Juan Pablo and Nikki run-hug to each other and embrace under the Midwestern sun. Her hair looks fantastic but those homeless gloves have got to go. Luckily, they come off as the two love birds sit down for some gas station barbeque at Oklahoma Joe's. Juan at first has no idea what to do with his plate of food until Nikki perceptively suggests they just start eating.... wow. These two are meant to be. Juan then proceeds to have a food-gasm, which contests my theory that the fantasy suite debacle is in fact the discovery that Juan Pablo does not have a ding-dong. HOWEVER, that will all be answered tonight.

Nikki has been waiting a really long time for this day - eight WHOLE weeks you guys.
But before walking Juan into her mansion of a family home, she wants to see how "cowboy" he really is - aka, how long he can hold down his Oklahoma Joe's on a mechanical bull before puking everywhere. Juan is about to up-chuck. Nikki has never been more turned on.

Once inside Nikki's castle, the family greets Juan like "family". But before they can bless the potential 12-week engagement, Mom naturally wants to make sure her daughter and Juan Pablo have a true and deep mental attraction?... um.... do you mean an emotional connection beyond chemistry, mom, or are we talking some ESP shit? Nikki assures mother that their minds are as closely bound together as their hoohahs while riding that mechanical bull. Mom pees her pants a little, realizing she will have to make a permanent seat at the "All-American" table for a Venezuelan baby daddy, but covers it beautifully with a delicate smile. In the meantime, Dad is as sappy and sweet as honey (and also sweating profusely above his lip - no big deal) when he tells his daughter remember my child, blended families are not easy. Especially when the baby mama looks like a Victoria Secret model. Just. Saying. Despite all of the encouragement, Nikki still cannot muster the courage to say those three little words.

JP: Should I be afraid? Just smile and nod.

From a Kansas City castle to a revival of the Sopranos, Juan Pablo next flies to see Andi in Atlanta, GA. But before being accosted by Andi's father, Juan proves that he actually has zero talent on the shooting range - Andi on the other hand is a bad ass. This is likely because her dad taught her well. Pookie and Juan head home but all sparkles stop at the door front. As we meet Andi's father, we suddenly feel as though we have turned off The Bachelor and turned on the movie Meet the Parents. Trying to lighten her family up, Andi glows from the hoohah as she describes their adventures and how she never would have gone to Vietnam and South Korea if it had not been for Juan Pablo. What a shame to miss out on such exotic destinations....

JP: Um... Mi no comprendo. Just smile and nod.

Andi's dad does not bless a potential engagement, but then again I can't blame him for being realistic and protective of his daughter. Also, given the fact I think he is in the mafia, he certainly cannot allow himself to be reduced to a sappy papa on national TV. Juan handles the tough questions all in stride - a lot makes him weep, but not much brings out a temper. I can't decide if this is because he doesn't have captions to help him process the conversation or if he just doesn't like Andi that much. Either way, we confirm that Juan has the "smile and nod" down to a science. Meanwhile, upstairs over a bottle of wine Andi and her stunning sister girl-talk matters of the heart. More questions and doubt from sister further deflates Andi's hopes, but she and Juan still end the evening kissy kissy in lala land, this time without any "I love you" interrogations. At this point, Juan decides to keep Andi in the running simply because he met her scary father and knows she can shoot a gun.

JP: Hmm... what to do with little boys? Just smile and nod.

Renee's date is like a golden drop of sunshine. Ironically her hometown in Sarasota, Florida stands out to me as the most ideallic destination Juan has been to all season. We finally meet Renee's son Ben and watch him play a little league game. Juan is so used to having a little Dora he has no IDEA what to do with a Diego, so he pats the boy's shoulder awkwardly and says he is a great little man, meanwhile wishing he was riding bulls or even shooting a gun poorly. And poor Diego - here is how I imagine the rest of the evening goes down in his head - Okay - time to play baseball on national TV for the first time, but before that, I get to see my mom ball her eyes out while I try to make friends with some Spanish dude with a boy-band haircut that is not understanding the concept of personal space. Get me outta here! All I really want is some captions for that guy and an ice-cream for having the throwing arm of a prodigy. Is that too much to ask? Oh no - I think Grandma took one too many sedatives to calm her nerves, and Grandpa thinks mom is glowing, but he clearly doesn't realize she has enough bronzer on to make the whole world glow. Can I go to bed now? That pretty much wraps up the highlights. Renee and Juan do not have the chemistry he shares with the other gals and at this point it becomes clear she is likely going to get the boot.

JP: I wonder if her dad was a better kisser? Just smile and nod.

Last, but not least, Clare finally gets her turn with Juan in sunny California. Clare philosophically shares that anyone can find love in majestic South Korea, but here in Sacramento they will get to see what real life together is like. Yeah, I always thought of Sacramento as the armpit of America. You guys really know how to put your love to the test! These two love birds, who clearly have picked up right where they left off, stroll in the park as Clare asks questions like an overzealous robot - so like, what are you like, like when you like meet like families? Are you going to be like shy? I'll tell you one thing, Juan might be shy but his unibrow is popping out to say HELLO. Before we can see how Juan handles meeting mom and the result of her run-in with many milk men, Clare talks more about daddy and how her whole family is an example of who he was. I will say this was a very sentimental moment, and I do think her emotions and connection to her father are real. But at the same time... she just comes off scripted and manipulative to me. I want to believe her and skip rocks alongside them both, but I just can't get on board. Meanwhile, Juan sobs and Erik and I theorizes that her dad isn't even actually dead but rather on a business trip somewhere, staying out of the way to heighten the drama.

Back at the humble family abode, we see the ugly duckling syndrome rear its rude head. Suddenly I start to realize that Clare is calm and nice compared to her crazy bitch sister Laura - aka. mama's keeper. I would have straight up gotten in her face, and so I commend Clare for keeping her cool. Laura stalks Clare's conversation with mama like a hawk. I am starting to feel very hostile so Erik and I break for a piece of pie to deal with the stress of the situation. Dear Laura - I do NOT think beloved DADDY WOULD APPROVE of this behavior. And as for you mama - what the heck - SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF. This family is bat shit crazy, which is further solidified by the fact that Clare - their youngest - feels it monumental that this is the first man she has dated since daddy - what the heck kind of relationship did you have with this man? It just keeps getting weirder. As Juan and Clare say goodbye, there is a part of me that still does not trust her, but I understand her a little more having seen her roots, which are as disturbing as having to look at Andi's actual roots - girlfriend - that is no longer an ombre. But I digress.

Renee: I cry better than both of you - suck it.

Renee is sent home at the end of the episode and is as graceful and lovely as she has been all season. It was truly sad to see her go - but I simply do not think Juan was ready for a Diego. Renee is stunning - her tears fall from her eyes like delicate butterflies on a summer's day. The "pretty-cry" has never been so mastered.

Tonight the saga continues, during which in the last five minutes we will finally get to know what the heck goes down in that fantasy suite. My projections for now stand with Nikki and Clare as the final two (which doesn't take a rocket scientist to deduce) and Andi becoming the next Bachelorette. We shall see... Erik is SO PUMPED that he gets a doubler-header of The Bachelor this week (aka, suddenly deployment doesn't sound so bad ;).

Dream big and wish you were stupid and simple.

Clare - Guys, like do you think like we're like in Miami?

Last night's episode of The Bachelor starred the usual cast of characters, except this week, everyone was on their period - including Juan Pablo. I do want to preface the recap by saying that for all of you people who thought I was heartless for being hard on JP last week, I did soften up to him while watching last night. Something about a man weeping over two different women in one week just pulls at my heart strings. But truly, I do believe he has a sweet and good heart which melted mine when seeing him reunite with little Dora under the beautiful skies of Miami to kick off the episode.

Meanwhile, back at the hoohah-hen-house, the ladies explored their new digs while Clare played 21 questions with herself regarding the events of the week - So do you guys think we're gonna like meet like his family or like friends or stuff like that? Silence. Actually Clare, I was thinking the other girls were going to take you to a padded room... but I guess that other stuff could happen too.

JP showed up just in time to halt the skimpy bikini unpacking with the presentation of the first one-on-one date card. Meanwhile, Clare is too busy asking herself - is that a date card he just pulled out of his pants or something "more" he would like to show me? But her thoughts were rudely interrupted by the announcement that Sharleen - a cocktail of insecurity, humbleness and hoover-craft kisses - was the lucky winner. After looking around slightly awkward and constipated, Sharleen raced upstairs to utilize her ten-minutes to freshen up wisely - make-up, check. Wardrobe, check. Lingering stare into the ocean to contemplate the landscape of my heart, check. Sharleen was ready to go.

Miami looked stunning, but not even the warmth of the sun could melt Sharleen's frozen demeanor. She was too troubled with her conflicting feelings - the disjointed path between her head, heart and hoohah created the perfect storm. Juan noticed she was acting strange, but not dat tight (aka up-tight in English) and did what he does best in situations like this - resorted to the make-out. Boom - chick is happy again. For a "smart" woman who wishes she was more dumb and simple, she is kind of an idiot.

The date took us on a roller coaster - one minute they were sucking face, the next Sharleen was saying she is disturbed, the next she was convincing Juan she is ready to put singing aside to focus on family, yet after that, she doesn't feel a true connection worth including her parents in. It is easy, but it is hard. It is magnetic, but it isn't right. It is a Katy Perry song. But in fact, all of this emotional vomit was set to a weird hyrbid of Titantic/Saved By the Bell background music just to really hone in on how confused we should feel about the date. And to top it off, there was no rose. So we left that hot mess with no clue as to what was going on. What we did take away was that Sharleen is a confused panda who wishes she was dumb (so she could naively ignore her conscience and end up engaged to a man she only likes when performing CPR-styled-make-outs and with a daughter she doesn't actually want?! Sounds like a stupid plan to me. So maybe she is stupid after all?). Shakespeare made more sense to me than this shit.

JP: You see Nikki, there are these things called pants.. ya know?

Nikki got the second one-on-one date, a revolutionary activity that broke every rule in The Bachelor-with-child handbook. He brought one of SIX remaining girls to see his daughter Camilla's dance recital. Yep. That is some serious shit right there. Nikki was the chosen one to be apart of his daughter's special day, to meet his parents AND to meet the baby mama. My expression after learning the contents of the date was similar to Clare's resting face - aka, shock and awe. But Nikki handled it like a pro. Despite the slutty wardrobe, she seemingly made a good impression, the encounter was brief enough that Camilla likely won't need therapy, and the baby mama was a SAINT for allowing the whole thing to go down this early in the game AND on national TV. So good news all around. Side note: Camilla is a rock star and I think she is going to be the next Selena.

But back to the unique love story unfolding here - Nikki and Juan finished the evening at the Marlin Stadium, played on the field and enjoyed a lovely picnic. I have to admit, they have a dynamic chemistry together. Despite the fact we were all nervous Nikki's boobs or ass were going to fly out of her different outfits, there was an ease in watching them together. Don't get me wrong, I think she is a funny, fleetingly heartfelt and crazy bitch with a kind of a mousey face and immature demeanor. But when they are together, I get it. They actually talk to each other - maybe that is what I am noticing here as "special." 

My hoohah and I are at WAR!

The next day, despite being tired of making tough choices (um... who is The Bachelor again?!) Sharleen finally puts herself out of her misery and says adios to Juan in a captioned cry fest that made us all relieved to have a commercial break. Side note - why did Juan not have captions? I need captions sometimes when he is just speaking normal words, let alone hushed weepy phrases. Their parting was sad but Juan really handled it maturely and sweetly took over tear and snot-control like a champ. I think in the end he understood that he simply couldn't kiss his way out of this one. And just like that, the opera singer who could be the one became the one who got away. Clare threw a goodbye party in her pants.

Juan wiped his tears gracefully and got back on the horse the next day with the four ladies left for the group date (tough life) - Renee, Chelsie, Andi and Clare. The ladies put on their sexy sand shoes and frolicked in the hot Miami heat hoping to get the only rose awarded before the cocktail party. All I kept thinking this whole episode was - Chelsie is out. And this date definitely supported that theory - their one-on-one time was more science educator and student than lovers on the beach, but at least she was smiling and happy! Meanwhile, Clare and Andi both poured on the tears and sob stories and who knows what Renee was doing...

JP: Hold me, like the river Jordan

Andi got the rose and Clare's attitude crimped up as much as her hair-do after the rain. Do you mean you don't ABSOLUTELY want to watch my dead daddy DVD?! Did my tears mean NOTHING to you? Everyone PANIC. Andi and Juan had special ocean-wave-cuddle time (strangely tonight little Dora was no where to be found to wag her finger at that behavior) as well as a dance lesson in a Latin club downtown (which had it's own rhythmic challenges).

The rest of the girls went home fussy and upset. Clare and Nikki proceeded to have a cat-fight over who owns the hotel room, which is when my watching buddy Erik decided that if these chicks just had some Xbox in the house, all of this drama would be avoided (he was also very disappointed when they didn't start ripping each others clothes off...). I think Clare and Nikki will be the final two, which basically means the producers struck reality TV gold this season given their disdain for each other.

JP: Hiyaya, I pray my face looks interested

Rose ceremony comes and goes pretty uneventfully - we confirm Nikki is not a positive, sentimental or chatty person unless Juan is around, all the other girls seem to hate her, Renee had a little too much fun with her bronzer, Clare has the inability to not show her thoughts on her face, and Chris Harrison actually still hosts this show (is it just me or has his involvement been extremely limited this season?!). It has to be 2am by the time the roses are handed out because everyone looked completely exhausted and Juan barely had the spark to say "wouljuu assssssepppt dis rose" to Nikki, Clare and Renee, who all do in fact, assept. Chelsie gets sent home as expected, and very sweetly and gracefully exits as one of the not-so-crazy ones this season.

SIDE NOTE - Where was Renee this week?! Her one-one-one time with Juan on the group date was a no show and her only real cameo this week was to talk Sharleen off a cliff while in a red wine coma. This does not bode well for her since the producers did not develop their relationship at all this past week.

NEXT WEEK - What the heck is going to happen in that fantasy suite? If you have spoilers I have to know. Message me stat.

FINAL TWO PREDICTION - Clare and Nikki.

Kiss on the cheek is the kiss of death

Yes, you made this ugly cry happen. YOU.

Dear Juan Pablo,
Last week when I was in Magic Kingdom believing in the beauty of fairy tales and prince charming, you were busy becoming a massive tool. The girls were super excited to be in the real nature of Vietnam and sail around in sewer water and you ruined everything by being a flimsey, inconsistent piece of crap. You made Renee's palms hurt, you made Sharleen want to become a freakin Panda, Nikki felt like she stuck her finger in a light socket and let's not forget how you willingly agreed to make Clare's hoohah feel shiny and new again in the salty ocean waves. YOU are doing these things. Take some responsibility for why these women feel the way they feel. Maybe it was the heat of Vietnam, or maybe it was the sheer existence of your daughter since you like to blame sweet little Dora whenever convenient for your inability to own your actions with these women, but you're melting into a douchey, less articulate version of the man we met on episode one. And it is NOT magical.
 
Sadly, this pattern did not change in last night's episode as I had hoped it would. 

Last night Juan (ABC) took the remaining eight lovely ladies to the beautiful countryside of New Zealand - now, for the record, THAT is a destination. Finally something with a little sparkle (no offense Vietnam and South Korea... I am sure you guys are great too).

The ladies in their lulu lemon best pranced around their swanky digs, super excited to see what might happen upon their arrival... wait? What on earth could this be?! A date card?! How unexpected and delightful. I wonder who could be on it? What?! The one girl who hasn't had a one-on-one date yet?! How unexpected! So far, this episode is full of revelations (and even more sexual innuendos....). Meanwhile, in the back corner of the suite, Renee and Cassandra are showing off their ability to master the delicate pretty-cry, which really proved to us viewers how real this is getting. To be clear - it's getting really real, you guys. Oh, and let's not forget scary - it is really scary too.

If Juan Pablo's pants could talk

Andi's date is first and she could not be more thrilled to heat things up with Juan. They speed through the water in a mode of transportation that disabled all ability to hear one another and remotely converse. But hey - adventure trumps conversation and apparently things are about to erupt, so it's perfectly acceptable to leave the small talk until then. After explaining to Erik that no, there is nothing wrong with that girl's hair, we watch them exit the speed boat and enter a cryptic rock squeeze entrance to a cave. No time to talk about family and values now, Andi's too busy inching her way between a rock and Juan's hard place, which in turn proved that she can really trust him to stick up for her when she needs him the most. To finish off, they have dinner in another cave where any remote hope for real conversation like "so what is your last name?" and "what do you do again for living?" is hijacked by the eruption of a geyser. Everything around them becomes wet. We have established a lot of deep and meaningful connections on this date, and Andi goes home dripping with excitement (ew... I even grossed myself out with that one). Bottom line here is - we have determined they have tons of chemistry, and not much else.

Back at the resort, the group date card comes and we saw just how bad of an actress Clare is as she expressed her genuine surprise to have the second one-on-one date this week. Dear Clare - when The Bachelor has sex with you and then humiliates you by making you think you raped him and tarnished his "dad of the year" reputation on national TV, he's gonna throw you another bone(r). Meanwhile, the other girls are too busy picking their weapon to whack her over the head with to even notice.

On the group date we learned many things. First, we learned that New Zealand is just like Ohio but with hills. We also learned that Cassandra, the beautiful, single mom, has tacked a whole 12 months on being of legal age. And lastly, we learned to what degree of a tool Juan really is... But first, the girls got wet, jumped inside large balls in bikinis and rolled down a hill. Nikki got in Juan's ball and they made-out.... in fact most of these girls got make-outs today, until we are reminded that Renee is a single mom and she is special so she only gets a tiny besito (JUAN - GET OVER IT. Yes, she is a mom, but guess what that actually means?! She has a functioning hoohah with needs just like the rest of these chicks! Do you have to bring up her mom status every single time you two talk? Renee is too busy massaging her palms to care). Meanwhile, Sharleen did what she does best - lead with the tongue. And in the end, the birthday girl, Cassandra, gets the boot. Juan Pablo has been thinking with his ding-dong all week. You can claim this was "honorable"... but I think all this "you're a mom, you're special" bull shit is just a way for him to not look like a bad guy when he doesn't want to jump a girl's bones. I am over it.

Finally it is Clare's turn to explain to Juan that she never meant to take advantage of him and it was never her intention to disrespect his daughter. I couldn't even hear the whole conversation (at least they were actually talking for once...) and Erik was too busy holding back my hair back while I VOMITED to fill me in. OH MY GOD CLARE....I know you missed the big rolling ball date BUT GET A PAIR and stop letting Juan get away with making you think that 1. His four-year-old daughter isn't too busy watching Dora the Explorer to tune into this show, 2. He was not a willing participant and 3. That what he said to you on that hill was an actual apology.... I'M SO OVER IT.

Then they did what they do best - got drunk, made out, and talked about what they talked about just five minutes earlier. Some deep stuff going on this week, you guys. True love all around. Also - am I the only one who thinks that Clare sounds hearing-disabled when she is drunk? Anyone else?

Kat: Why aren't we talking more about my personal pain?

We finally made it to the cocktail party, and at this point my sweet boyfriend who claimed he would never watch this show "EVER" is debating with me on who is going to get kicked off... the power of The Bachelor, ladies and gentlemen. I won the bet - Kat gets the ax after one too many sob stories. Kat - haven't you learned anything about Juan? He doesn't actually care about your past, your family, your history or what makes you who you are as a person. He cares about besitos and being a "good" dad. Treating your one-on-one time like therapy is never a good strategy. But since you have been told your whole life how amazing you are and what a catch you are, I am sure you will find someone some day. If you ask me, you dodged a bullet.

OH BUT WAIT - Sharleen doesn't feel like an understood panda tonight?! Wipe your tears and get over it... you're going somewhere tropical (that I can't remember right now) and I am sure Juan's magical reception of your dog kiss will make everything all better.

Scenes for next week look exciting - this is the point in the season when it really gets GOOD. I think Chelsie is definitely on the way out soon, and if I had to make a prediction, I think the final two will be Nikki and Clare - but maybe Sharleen.... who knows. What I DO know is that Erik can't wait to watch next week. I converted a solider you guys - be proud.