My (little too late) letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

First of all, I am a huge fan. I completely understand that your work for the year is done and you are probably partying in Cabo right now enjoying your time off, but I am writing with a few urgent requests and I would greatly appreciate your utmost consideration.

You see, ever since December 26th, I have reviewed my wonderful gifts, but realized there were a couple of things I left off my list by complete mistake that I was hoping you could attend to.

Please see the modest list below:

I promise you, I will look good in that hut.

1. I want to live in my screen saver. I get that you like the cold and think the North Pole is oh so amazing, but I do not. So I would really owe you one if you could just transport me to a majestic hut in the middle of clear blue waters where the sun can kiss my face and brighten my spirit and more importantly, my skin tone. I am talking about the kind of warmth that doesn't dry out my eye sockets, make me heave and make me feel like I am suffocating, but rather the kind of warmth that blows off the water and whispers happiness into my heart. The kind of warmth that is currently decorating my desktop icons instead of my translucent ghost-like skin.

This is what you did to me, and this guy with man boobs

2. I would like my muscle back. Over the past few weeks because I have been so busy celebrating the birth of Jesus and baking YOU cookies, I have unfortunately had to cut back on my time in the gym (just one of the many sacrifices I make in the name of Christmas). Most say it is a good thing to let your body rest and reboot. THIS IS A LIE (those people should be on your naughty list STAT). Today in my sculpt class I about passed out in the warm-up and by the end of it may have had a rogue sweaty tear streaming down my face. While I was adorned in awesome new work out gear thanks to your generous gifting, the look of pure anguish on my face may have put a damper on the fashion statement.

I will even settle for a how-to book if all advisers are busy.

3. I wish I could meditate. Recently, I have found myself in bouts of boredom as my clients slowly awake from the holidays with a record breaking lack of urgency despite deadlines. Your presence seemingly puts competent business people in a Lunesta-like coma. Consequently, the boredom has made me think way too much. I know there are illegal remedies to this problem, but I would prefer a more classy solution - like meditation. All I am asking for is some gift-wrapped zen. You see, on my own I end up sitting Indian style for 25 minutes freaking out in my head that I am powerless against the current of my thought stream like Pocahontas is powerless to stop the river bend. And despite the momentary warmth a Disney connection provides, it is simply not worth the frustration (and as noted above, it is not the kind of "warmth" I am looking for). So if you could please send me a spiritual adviser that should do the trick.

Okay, I think that is everything. Listen, I have been really good for the four days that have already happened this year (with the exception of that little incident with the squirrel leaping in front of my car giving me no time to react, may he rest in peace) so I really think I've earned this and I am sure you would agree.

Thanks so much in advance.

The Ambassador of Christmas,

Jenny